Get yourself some Sweet ‘n’ Low packets (or whatever the Great Value version of that product is called) and put on a pair of your clubbin’ heels because it’s time for another episode of “As The Dumpster Burns”…

Oh, and I mean Teen Mom 2. Same/same…

We kick off this episode down in West Virginia, where the girlseseses are practicing their dance moves for the day that they, too, will be able to hit “da club.” In between boiling up some Cup ‘o’ Noodles for the girlseses, flirting with Jeremy and generally standing in her own power, Leah has also found time to write a book about her ding-dang life!

Leah tells Producer Brendan that her book will tell the story of her life, starting with the day she blew through Mama Dawn‘s underage hoo-ha until present day. It will also contain helpful tips for the youngins.

Before jumping on the phone with her editor, Leah tells Producer Brendan that her book will be called Hope, Grace and Faith, which are the middle names of the girlseses. She says she has really opened up in the book, and talked about things she never expected to discuss publicly. 

Leah tells us that she wanted to write this book because she hasn’t been very honest about what she’s experienced in her lifetime. She says she’s ready to admit some things in hopes that it helps someone else.

“I never said this before but I was addicted to pain medication,” Leah reveals. 

We are then treated to a few choice clips of Leah being addicted, including the time she fell asleep while holding her sister’s baby. We also see an old clip of her “swearin’ to God” to Corey Tyler that she doesn’t have a ding-dang drug problem.

Leah’s editor vows to check in with her again in a few weeks to see what tales Leah’s witch nails have clickety-clacked onto the computer.

We next swing down to Florida. Now that Briana has upgraded her living situation, she hits the salon for fresh new ‘do to match. 

While she’s there, Briana tells her hairdresser about Devoin’s family briefly taking an interest in Nova’s TV show life, but reveals that Devoin’s mom Charita is “missing again.”

Briana says she’s always been weary of Devoin’s mom and because she can’t depend on Charita, she wants Devoin to step up and be more involved in Nova’s life. 

She decides that Devoin’s first test will be taking Nova to the hair salon. In an effort to make things as fool-proof as possible, Briana tells Roxanne and Brittany that she’s allowing Devoin to use her car to take Nova because she doesn’t know if Devoin has a car of his own (and she doesn’t want her kid riding around in an random Uber).  

Briana points out that Devoin does have to work the next day, but she hopes Devoin will be able to successfully complete this one parenting task without making her pull out her brand new extensions in a fit of rage. 

Unfortunately, when it’s time for Devoin to show up (via Uber, bus or magic) to take Nova to the salon, he’s 45 minutes late and Nova is “in a bad mood,” according to Briana. Another 15 minutes passes and Devoin finally shuffles inside, seemingly annoyed that his tardiness and blatant disregard for anyone not named Devoin has hurt Nova’s feelings. 

Nova hints that she wants Briana to take her to the salon, but when Briana pulls Nova away to talk to her privately, Nova says she wants Briana and Devoin to take her. 

Meanwhile in Delaware, Kail’s plan to relocate closer to where her two participating baby daddies live is still being sorted out. She reveals she has some big news involving baby daddy number three, but isn’t ready to talk about it yet.

Umm, what? We don’t tune in each week to see your new “Mom So Hard” tees, girl. Give us the goods. 

As Kail sorts through her issues kids’ shoes, backpacks and clothing, Lincoln hits her with a random “why don’t I have a stepdad” line, which a producer presumably slipped him $5 to recite. 

Thankfully for Kail, Isaac is there to field all of his mom’s relationship questions and is able to provide Lincoln with a full rundown in less than 60 seconds, though Lincoln is surprised to learn that Kail and Chris are no longer together. 

Kail says Isaac (her publicist) has picked up on some of the things going on and she feels as though she’s let some people into her life that are toxic and has ignored too many red flags and not enough “u up?” texts. 

Up in South Dakota, our prayers have been answered as Chelsea is finally talking about something other than Aubree’s freaking cell phone! I’m honestly in shock. Seriously. Throw on your most festive flannel – this calls for a celebration! 

With cellphones off her radar for the moment, Chelsea turns her attention to her second favorite storyline topic: Aubree’s dad, Adam. 

Aubree tells Chelsea that Adam was a no-show at lunch that day because he “overslept,” despite Aubree’s lunchtime being 11 a.m.. Chelsea is appalled by this news and seemingly experiencing some second-hand embarrassment as well, given that this grown ass man just got called out on national TV for dropping the ball on one of the few responsibilities he actually has. 

Later on, Chelsea meets up with her friend Chelsey Grace, who looks as though she has a high-power fan perpetually blowing her hair forward, to talk about Adam and the fact that he’s still, well… Adam. 

She tells Chelsey Grace she’s going to talk to her attorney the following day to discuss how to handle the situation with the Lind family and Chelsea Aubree not wanting to visit as often. Chelsea also tells Chelsey Grace about Grandma Donna putting Adam’s number in **TRIGGER WARNING** Aubree’s phone and the fact that Adam hasn’t been responding to Aubree’s texts recently. 

Finally, we head to Indiana. After presumably enlisting the help of the show Hoarders, Jade was able to get her mom and stepdad out of her house, just in time for another moocher her baby daddy Sean to move back. 

Exhausted from dealing with everyone’s crap, Jade tells Sean she’s taking a trip to Las Vegas with her friends and he’s not invited to come along. On top of that, Jade is putting Sean in change of watching Clowee Kloee Kloie while she’s gone and Sean has to take another drug test upon her return.

Meanwhile in West Virginia, Leah is heading to Jeremy‘s house to pick up some of her writins’ she let him read. She asks Addie if she told Jerm that Leah’s book went up on Amazon for pre-orders, and Addie looks at her confused.

“I didn’t know that!” she replies, as Leah frowns. (Addie obviously didn’t read her cue cards correctly.)

Leah continues to try to pump the child into giving her book some promotion but Addie’s not having it. When Leah asks Addie what her book’s name will be, Addie again looks like she has no clue.

“Leah Messer?” she responds. 

Later, Jeremy suggests that maybe he and Leah don’t film while discussing the decline of their marriage due to Leah’s addiction. We are treated to more flashback clips, including one that may be the most-tragic of them all, due to Leah’s ridiculously bad extensions.

Leah tells us that, at the time, people were telling Jeremy, “She’s a junkie, divorce her.” She says she thinks Jeremy wants to protect her, as well as himself, by censoring the book.

Back in Delaware, Kail takes the boys out to lunch to celebrate Isaac’s 10th birthday. After asking Isaac what goals he hopes to accomplish this year, Kail reminds him that 10 years ago, he was flying out of her birth cannon (as his dad, Jo, gallantly held Kail’s foot, as he was ordered to.)

After lunch, Kail tells viewers that she’s still dealing with her “private issue,” however, she says the “issue” won’t remain private for long. She reveals she’s pregnant and because Chris’ aunt leaked a photo of her ultrasound, the news has gone viral.

Kail says she hasn’t talked to Chris because he’s been in and out of jail. She also attempts to defend going back to Chris, given the domestic violence that went on in their relationship.

“As of now, I have no intentions of including Chris in anything,” she says. “And so going into this [pregnancy] knowing that he won’t be there at all is really scary.” 

Back in Florida, Briana, Devoin and Nova arrive at Nova’s hair appointment, during which, Devoin does a complete 180 and genuinely seems happy to be spending some time with his daughter… 

After spending a few more minutes lounging on the salon couches, yawning, scrolling through social media, swiping right and taking selfies, Devoin tells Briana and Nova he needs to head out in order to get to work on time. After giving Briana some cash to help pay for Nova’s hair, he shuffles off, leaving Briana just annoyed as ever. 

Later on, Briana tells Roxanne and Brittany that Devoin dipped out of Nova’s hair appointment early and they all agree Devoin needs to do better at working his schedule around the time he’s supposed to spend with Nova and maybe give the whole showing up on time thing a try. 

Briana says neither of her baby daddies are particularly excelling in the co-parenting department and Roxanne agrees, stating that Briana is basically doing it on her own. 

Later we see Jade and her friends arrive at their Vegas hotel, located entirely too far from the Las Vegas Strip. 

Speaking of annoyances, Jade gets a text from her mom Christy letting her know she moved in with one of Jade’s clients (umm?) but is already being forced to move out. On the bright side, Jade tells her friends that Christy’s absence has done wonders for her relationship with Sean and also the overall cleanliness of her home. 

While shoveling fast food down their throats in the car, Jade and her friends prepare to go into a haunted house. Before doing so, however, Jade checks calls Sean to check on her own haunted house back home.  

Once she confirms Sean hasn’t lost Chlo Klow Klo, lit the house on fire, passed out or gone on a 72-hour video game bender, Jade fearlessly enters the haunted house with her friends. 

When we check back in with Chelsea, she’s on the way to her lawyer’s office to discuss dropping the monthly visits with Adam’s parents while Cole sits at home with the kids. While driving, Chelsea calls Cole and asks that he text her any useful information he can think of for her to discuss with her lawyer, because tends to forget things during these meetings. 

Cole tells Chelsea he’d like to have Aubree’s lunch visits with Adam taken away because Adam never bothers scheduling visits with Aubree at the visitation center. After getting off the phone with Cole, we hear a producer tell Chelsea she “had no idea Cole wanted to stop lunches,” to which Chelsea says the lunch visits have been a big issue of Cole’s for a while. 

We then see a clip from the year 1 BC (before cellphone) of Aubree talking about Adam not showing up to have lunch with her, as well as Cole’s reaction to the incident. 

After meeting with her lawyer, Chelsea invites Producer Mandi to hop into the car to talk about what happened.   

“Basically we’re going to send a letter saying listen, Aubree doesn’t feel comfortable or she’d rather just go [visit] whenever she feels like it and see what they say,” Chelsea explains, adding that if the Linds “don’t agree,” a motion will be filed. 

Chelsea says Aubree’s lunchtime visit situation with Adam (and Grandma Donna) will stay as-is, but “if they become a problem, they will be taken away.” 

Later on, Chelsea tells Cole what went down at the meeting and attempts to get him on board with the idea of Adam still being allowed to have lunch with Aubree. Cole maintains the lunchtime visits are a bad idea. 

After reviewing the letter drafted by her lawyer, Chelsea requests that the letter be printed on rustic-chic stationary and mailed with stamps featuring woodland creatures, before giving her lawyer the green light to send it to the Linds.  

Finally, we head back to West Virginia one last time, where Leah is going to her sister Victoria‘s house to visit (and most likely complain about how tired she is…again). 

Leah doesn’t even ask how Baby Green Card is this time before launching into a stream of complaints about how she’s “100 percent exhausted.” (Victoria looks like she wants to chuck a Red Bull at her sister’s mug.)

Leah then tells Victoria that, back in her pilleseseses days, Jeremy would dispense the meds to her that were prescribed by a doctor. She goes on to say that she knows her book will shine a light for other addicts who feel helpless…and stuff.

Leah says she’s (literally) owning the “highs” of her life, as well as the lows. 

That’s it’s for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ 

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)