Hi-de-ho, trash TV lovers! It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2— where the drug tests are plentiful and the use of the English language is questionable.

We start things down in holler, where Leah and the girlseses are about to start their (not well) schools. Leah is nervous that the girlseses will go around some little hillbilly kid classmate who will give them something worse than the strep throat they just recovered from. (After all, if they get COVID, even Mama Dawn and her trusty bottle of Great Value Windex won’t be able to cure ’em!) 

Leah decides to chat up Corey Tyler when she goes to the random deserted field by the highway to pick up the twinseses. Because that dern COVID is still running more rampant than herpes at a Nickelback concert, Leah and Corey can’t have a film crew and are forced to film each other talking about the school situation.

Leah and Corey explain that the school—although not well—gave parents a few options for their kids. The kids can go back to school in-person, or they can do online learning. (Fire up that ding-dang AOL! These kids gotta get their learn on, y’all!) 

They agree that Aleeah can go back to school, but Ali should only do online learning, since she has a compromised immune system. They vow to get a tutor if Leah or Corey can’t handle the E-learning situation. (These two brainiacs? NO WAY. Not gonna happen!) 

Leah says that girlseses’ principal is doing her best to keep the youngins separated so it should be OK to send Addie and Aleeah back.

Later that week, Corey Tyler takes the girlseses to their school orientation. 

“Can y’alls believe y’all is goin’ to fifth grade?” he asks them.

Nope. They won’t have any trouble with that E-learning at all. Corey could practically teach the English lesson himself. 

Next, we swing down to Florida, where Briana is calling up Devoin to talk about Nova’s upcoming ninth birthday. She also slips in that she’d like Devoin to come to the townhouse so they can “talk about some things.”

Here’s my advice, Devoin: Grab your wallet and your helmet, and keep your body moving. It’s harder for Roxy to hit you with a shoe if you’re a moving target!

Briana tells Brittany that she’s afraid that the conversation she wants to have with Devoin will not go over well.

She wants to know why Devoin always has to “get offensive” (um?) when she brings up money.

Brittany is worried that Devoin will get “offensive” over the money talk and end up ruining Nova’s birthday party. 

Next, we swing up to Indiana to check in with Jade. She AGAIN reminds us that she is the only one supporting her whole family. (Meanwhile, Sean is busy playing “zoomies” on the ‘tutor and whatnot…)

Jade’s friend Kelsey (and her unfortunately named son “Shakur”) arrive to listen to Jade bitch about all the useless people in her life. Speaking of useless people, Jade’s mom Christy is planning to pick up Qlowie the next day. Jade is fine with it, because her parents “have been clean… and stuff.”

Jade then switches to bitching about Sean, whom she is trying to encourage to go back and get his GED. She reminds us that Sean wants to “do music” so he’ll need some sort of schooling for that stellar career choice. 

Because Christy is going to watch Kllowi the next day, Jade and Sean decide to go out—separately— to blow off some steam.

“I wanna spend time with my friends and s**t,” Jade declares. 

They talk about how nice it will be to not have their “friend time and s**t” interrupted by their daughter. 

I think that’s nice…

Things go south when Cluoii decides to climb on “the damn table” and she doesn’t listen to Sean as he barks at her. Jade tells them that they’re both pissing her off and Sean legit goes with the “she started it” angle…with a two-year-old. 

Jade tells Kloueeee that if she’s going to be a brat she has to go inside. Sean looks strangely vindicated.

Finally we head to Delaware, where Kail is about to expel yet another Spawn ‘o’ Chris from her loins. Before pushing out her newest co-star baby number 4, Kail decides to do one more photoshoot with her boys (and their bright new hairdos). 

Kail and the crew head off to take their photos and after a bit of encouragement, the photographer even manages to get a smile out of Lux. 

Later on, Kail calls Producer Kristen to tell her she received the OK from her doctor to have a home birth. Kristen then shows us why she chose a career behind the camera rather than in front of one, as she attempts to show some excitement over Kail’s home birthing news. 

Kail tells Kristen she’s glad she’ll get to shoot baby number 4 out from the comforts of her mattress because after visiting the hospital for her appointment that day, “it was super crazy and intense” due to COVID. Unlike Kail’s home birth announcement, this comment actually seems to interest Kristen. 

Kail tells Kristen that, in addition to everyone in the hospital being masked, there were tarps everywhere, certain parts of the hospital were blocked off and “everyone was away from each other.”  

“It was so scary,” she says. “I was like, ‘I don’t want to deliver a baby here.’ Like, I’m not doing this.” 

Kristen asks Kail how she feels about (almost) being a mom of four boys and Kail admits that before those MTV checks Isaac, she didn’t know if she even wanted to be a mom at all. 

We next go to South Dakota to check in with Chelsea, who iss feeling some of the discomforts of pregnancy and sharing said discomforts with Cole as the two converse in full Level 10 baby talk. Chelsea says she has an ultrasound scheduled in three weeks, at which point they will find out their baby’s gender. 

After consulting Chelsea (probably), Cole decides later to get tested for COVID because he’s not feeling very well. Faced with the possibility of having the virus AND having to go somewhere without Chelsea, Cole nervously pulls into the drive-through testing center to have his nostrils probed. 

Later on, Cole receives his results and finds out he does not have COVID. 

Back in West Virginia, Leah gets word that the girleses’ in-person school may not be happening due to that ding-dang COVID. To talk about this, Corey Tyler takes the twinseses to Ye Olde Deserted Park (of course). 

Corey explains that they will only be able to send Aleeah and Addie to in-person school if the number of COVID cases stays down.

Unfortunately, a few days later, the cases go up and Leah has to tell Addie that she’ll be forced to do online learning. She is less-than-thrilled, as is Leah, who was not ready to have to “learn” all three girlseses at home herself.  

Meanwhile in Indiana, Christy and…whatever Jade’s dad’s name is…have arrived to pick up Kclowie. She’s being “a little brat” again, so Jade’s parents threaten to put her in the trunk.

I think that’s nice…

Once the kid is gone, Jade’s friend Kelsey comes to “pre-game.” (This of course means they’ll down like four Smirnoff Ices all while they scream “Paaaarty!” every once in a while. Well, Kelsey will scream. We all know Jade will just utter stuff in her typical monotone voice, no matter how excited she is.) 

Jade decides to go big that night and send Sean to the store to get tequila.

Oh. This will end well. I predict a fight that requires law enforcement and/or a co-pay in their near future.

Sean returns with the requested tequila…and immediately starts bickering with Jade. By all means, let’s add tequila to this mix!

Poor Kelsey is just sitting there, incredibly uncomfortable as they yell back and forth.

Eventually, Sean storms off to play his “zoomies” game in a huff.

Back in Florida, Devoin is supposed to pick up Nova from school and take her to gymnastics. However, Devoin changes the plans last-minute so he can dash on over to the mall.

Devoin texts Briana to let her know that, instead of dropping Nova off at gymnastics, he is taking her home. Briana is fine with that, but she reminds him that this was the day they were supposed to have their “chat” about “finances.” We get to read their text messages, which is fun.

Devoin gets right to the point. He tells Briana that she’s making straight cash-money thanks to MTV, but she denies that she makes way more than Devoin does. He is not buying it at all.

Briana is mad because she spent a chunk of the day writing down all the money Devoin owes her, and now he isn’t going to come up to see it. Devoin says that Briana makes decisions for Nova to do expensive things, because Bri has the salary to pay for it. 

Briana again pleads poor, stating that she spent her last dime buying a house for the coven and she has “no money at all” right now. Devoin tells her he’s not buying it, but she continues to act like she’s basically destitute, carrying a hobo sack around with all her earthly possessions in it.

Devoin then brings up the fact that she has a “$15,000 body,” an obvious reference to all the plastic surgery Bri has had over the years. 

Bri insists that she “got her body done” for free, thank you very much.

Later, Briana tells Producer Vanessa that she’s really upset by what Devoin said in the texts. She’s mad that Devoin thinks she’s a joke.

Briana fears that Nova’s birthday party will now be super-awkward due to the fight over money.

Over in Delaware, it’s two days past Kail’s due date and she wakes up feeling “something” stirring in her lady parts. She gets herself ready and waits for her cervix to do its thing. Kail reveals that her contractions got stronger as the day went on and “in the heat of moment” she called Chris to tell him that she was in labor. Chris shuffled and mumbled his way over, followed by Kail’s midwife a few hours later.

Shortly after, baby Creed is born. We don’t get to see him blow his way out of Kail’s hooter though.

While Kail recovers, her friend Natalie is staying over and earning her kickbacks by helping to take care of the kids. One of Natalie’s designated friend duties is to round up Kail’s oldest two boys from their dads’ houses and also lecture them on the importance of washing their grimy hands before touching their baby brother. 

The boys are really excited to meet Creed and Kail is especially happy to see how happy Lux is about the baby’s arrival. So much in fact, that she seems ready to do it all over again. 

You know what they say…”babies is beautiful!” 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here!

(Photos: MTV)