We know why you’ve all come back for another episode of Welcome to Plathville… you weirdos want to hear the masturbation story we teased at the end of last week’s recap, yes? Well, we shall deliver, but first you have to endure more Micah flexing and Sweet Lydia’s awkward giggling. 

Let’s go! 

This episode kicks off with Ethan, Olivia, Moriah and Micah meeting up at the park to share some “redneck charcuterie” and watch videos from the glory years – back when the Plath kids still thought their lives were normal and their parents weren’t completely bats**t. Ethan talks about missing his younger siblings that still live at home and how his parents keep the kids from his as punishment.

Ethan is a constant Man-Child and can’t open his mouth without giving us great material to snark at. Still, it’s a sad situation. It’s next-level cruel of Barry and Kim to not let wholesome Ethan see the only friends he has for 20 years. 

The videos are as wholesome as Moriah’s first kiss and give some insight into the family’s boring life at the Plath farm. 

Meanwhile, Sweet Lydia is ready to tell her mom about the mystery man she’s been pining after for several years now. Exciting! Lydia lets Kim know she has prayed all week and has come to the conclusion that this isn’t the one for her. God has brought her complete peace. That’s it.

Years, people. YEARS – and it’s all over like that.

So glad we hung in there for that tea… That ice cold, bland-as-Barry’s-wardrobe, tea. 

As Lydia is accepting a never had lost love and some disappointment from the whole thing, Kim lets her know that she had four ex-boyfriends at her wedding to Barry… because literally everything is about Kim, even when it’s about Lydia. 

Micah still doesn’t have a storyline, so for this recap we are going to start counting how many times he flexes during the episode. We don’t recommend using this as drinking game unless you have a mighty high tolerance. FLEX! before taking Ethan to the airport for his trip to California! 

Momma Kim has granted Lydia an outing pass to go visit Moriah. How lovely for Lydia to get some prison yard outside time! Moriah is excited to dress up Lydia and do a fashion show. Quote of the scene goes to the girls’ grandpa who apparently would have referred to Moriah’s style as “somebody ran out of fabric.” 

Lydia is a good sport, but lets us know that her body is a temple and part of that is covering herself up. 

Ethan arrives in sunny California and picks Olivia up in a convertible he’s rented. FUN! Shout out to TLC for footing that bill.

Ethan is disturbed by the smell of “drugs” or as they call it in California, marijuana. (Apparently wherever they visited in California just has the sweet smell of weed and high mortgages whiffing through the air?) 

Olivia wants to know if he’ll try some “drugs” and it’s a hard no from Ethan. However, tattoos were also once a hard no, so maybe Ethan will be glossy eyed and pounding Doritos by the end of this trip. 

Back at the sisters’ fashion show, Micah crashes to show Lydia pictures of him modeling in his skivvies – FLEX! – because that’s not weird at all. As Micah leaves, we get another FLEX! 

Back on the West Coast, E&O visit Little Tokyo for some culture and dining. Ethan—still wary that he’ll be attacked and riddled by assorted drugs– is nervous as he’s only ever had sushi from the grocery store. 

Ethan is giving us all the Jim Bob Duggar vibes with his mocking of the food and insistence on turning his chopsticks into a fork. It’s not a good look, E.

Don’t you PlathHeads worry, the awkwardness you’ve all been waiting for is coming – no pun intended. 

Ethan tells Olivia (and the viewers) a story that can’t be untold. It’s equal parts sad and cringy. Ethan reveals that the first time he ever pleased himself in THAT way was at church.

Church.

CHURCH.

He crawled under HIS PARENTS’ seats at church because he was bored and while reading a book he began to rock back and forth. Next thing you know, “fireworks.” 

Just more amazing parenting on Kim and Barry’s part seeing as their 13 year-old son had no idea what had happened to him and was worried something was very wrong. Good work, Ma and Pa Plath. 

TLC then attempts to give viewers a palate cleanser with a random Micah FLEX! 

After all that fun from the night before, it’s time for E&O to head out to Joshua Tree for some sun and relaxation. Olivia books the two of them for some massages and “sound baths” in an effort to destress Ethan; however, the suggestion alone is clearly doing the opposite. Kind of feel like we could have called one.

Eventually Ethan embraces the massage and after confessing he has stinky feet, he seems to really enjoy it. 

FLEX! Count this episode: 4, though it felt like many more. Also, Barry didn’t make an appearance, so we call that a win! 

Until next time, we hope the cringe and creepy hold you over through the holidays! 

To ready The Ashley’s previous ‘Welcome to Plathville’ recap, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)