The season finale of Welcome to Plathville has arrived and we have no time for a quippy intro because Ethan has stormed Plath Compound. This is not a drill! 

Let’s suffer through Micah’s non-storyline and naïve Moriah’s studio sesh so we can break down the Great Battle at Plathville – aka the part where our favorite blondtourage goes out with a bang. (Probably more of a spark if we’re being honest.) 

Micah, still making up in muscles what he lacks in storylines, lands in Miami to sign with a modeling agency. Big stuff!

Micah has been crazy boring to watch this season, but much respect to him for using those abs and pretty face to further his career/distance from his parents. Keep flexin’ Micah! 

Meanwhile, sweet little song bird Moriah has hit the studio to record for the first time. Moriah’s confidence is to growing and she seems genuinely proud of her work. Hell, we’re proud of her, too! Imagine going from singing in your family Christian band to recording your own music in a lime green crop top, all in the span of two years. Get it girl! 

Dressed in her finest neon green, one-armed shirt (straight from a Party City “80s Gal” costume kit), Moriah goes to the studio to work on her latest bop. The producer tries his best to be positive about her singing but…in the words of Randy Jackson, “it’s a no from me, dawg.” 

Over at Ethan and Olivia’s house, Ethan takes a stroll down the world’s saddest memory lane after discovering some photos and notes from his siblings. Ethan is all in his feelings and his anger is more than justified after everything Kim and Barry have pulled. 

Olivia is crying in the dining room, giving her undoubtedly water-damaged kitchen counter a much needed break. At one point last year, Ethan and Olivia were able to see the Plath kids, but after just one unsupervised visit with Isaac, they were cut off. Looking back at the clip from last season, it’s obvious that Ethan and Olivia were corrupting young Isaac, what with all that playing with trains, giggling and whatnot. 

Ethan is done. DONE! He’s ready to tell his parents it’s over so he heads to the compound to let Kim and Barry know he will no longer tolerate them bad-mouthing Olivia, and that the two of them are planning to move away and that they want to tell the Plath youngins goodbye. Which part of all of that do you think Dictator Kim will flip out about first?

Ethan parks the car far enough down the Plath family driveway so that no one can see Olivia. He. is. FIRED. UP.

Barry answers the door with his creepy grin and says “been awhile.” Kim and Barry walk outside to chat with their son and Ethan lets them know immediately that this isn’t a debate or discussion. He and Olivia are moving away soon, he wants to say goodbye to his siblings and then get back to having zero contact with Kim and Barry. Ethan is spitting fire at Ma and Pa Plath and we are living for it. 

“You don’t accept Olivia, you don’t get me either,” Ethan tells them. 

Kim wants to speak up with her thought and says there has been a lot of hurt. Our boy Ethan is still on it. He turns right around to let Kim know that’s all on her. Barry makes a half-assed attempt to apologize and lets Ethan know he will always love him. Ethan’s response does NOT disappoint. 

“That’s nice of you to say … in front of everyone … on-camera,” he tells Barry. 

BAHAHAHA ZINGER! He got Barry right in his Dockers-covered gut! 

Ethan is given permission to see his siblings and the kids are even allowed to follow him to the car to say goodbye to Olivia – for a whole 6 seconds.

Kim quickly realizes she’s given up control by allowing the kids to walk 50 feet to the car without her and that simply cannot happen… especially not for Evil Olivia, who has ruined Kim’s “perfect family.” So now it’s all about control, Kim playing the victim and Barry smiling like a creeper, all while Ethan tries to stand up for himself and his wife. Not gonna lie, we expected Ethan to back down, but instead he doubles down. 

In response, Barry inflicts upon us a mental picture that we never asked for. 

Oh, bondage! We almost forgot! The last time Barry and Ethan spoke, Barry wished Ethan a happy life “living in bondage” – aka living with Olivia. Ouch. But also, gross.

Barry is the worst. 

While Barry laments on bondage and such, Kim has full-on lost it. The idea of her children seeing Olivia’s face for 45 seconds is simply too much. She tells Ethan, “They are my children! My property!” 

You’d think her children were being removed by Child Protective Services or something. Nope, just in the driveway, trying to see their sister-in-law.

Kim wants to protect her children from the evilness that is Ethan and Olivia, yet has zero problem losing her crap in front of them as they literally beg her to stop. 

Next up, it’s Barry’s turn to “help.” His idea? To head over to the car to confront Olivia, against her wishes. Once again, Ethan does not disappoint, stepping in to put Papa Plath in his place. 

Barry tells the gang that they’re going to go “say hello to Olivia” and Ethan sprints over to Daddy Dearest, gets all up in his face, whips him around and tells him hell no. For a second it appears that Ethan and Barry may get into a physical fight and we are HERE FOR IT.

Ethan asks his parents again if his siblings can walk to the car to hug Olivia and Kim surprisingly says it’s Barry’s call, to which Ethan – freshly filled with rage and grown man boundaries – replies, “You’re the neck that turns his head.” 

Ultimately the kids are not permitted to see Olivia and Ethan tells them he will see them when they are 18. Cue all of the sad faces. Poor Sweet Lydia, she doesn’t deserve any of this. It’s just too bad that Ethan didn’t think to throw her in the car and drive off. Olivia could have helped her find a good conditioner to control that frizz and maybe she could finally get some time away from the prayer closet. 

Everyone is crying. Kim is beside herself, once again due to her own actions and lack of parenting skills. Barry is smiling (because he knows this is making for some great TV and will probably help the fam secure another season of this dumpster-fire-of-a-show). Everyone begins to group-hug. ..all while Barry keeps that horrorshow-of-a-smile on his creepy face. 

Sweet Lydia feels that Ethan is making a choice to distance himself from the family as well as her and that he’s choosing Olivia over the Plaths. Just when we start to lose faith in Lydia, she redeems herself and says she admires Ethan’s dedication and protection of Olivia. 

The next day, Ethan is working on his old Chevy at Moriah and Micah’s house and uses the opportunity to fill them in on the events of the night before. 

Moriah shares that she really looks up to Ethan and Olivia for everything they have accomplished and how they have stuck it out together. Both Micah and Moriah are “thankful” for the path their older brother has laid out and believe it has made Kim and Barry more open parents to them because Kim and Barry know how much they screwed up with Ethan. It’s a sweet idea, but we’re not going to praise Ma and Pa Plath for turning over a new leaf when they still hold their youngest kids hostage.

Ethan asks them to please let the kids know he’s sorry how everything went down and that he loves and misses them very much. The three oldest escapees pinky promise to never let anything get between them. 

Later on, Micah and Moriah head to the compound for a visit and to make good on their promise to Ethan to tell the kids how he feels. When they get there, Kim seems to be a new woman as she’s ecstatic about Micah’s modeling contract and over the moon about Moriah’s new recording adventure. It’s giving off some weird vibes… who is this woman and what did she do with the real dictator Kim?

Moriah nearly falls out of her spandex party dress off her chair when she learns that Kim would love to hear her music and would even be willing to watch her play in a bar. A BAR! Hail Mary, full of grace, is that pride on Kim’s face?! 

Micah and Moriah pass out hugs to all of the kids “from Ethan and Olivia” and Kim looks as though she might throw up. Good.

Barry babbles about rebuilding relationships and then they group hug. Again. 

Once Barry is alone, he admits he probably made a mistake and that there likely wasn’t any harm in the kids seeing Olivia.

Oh Barry, always a year too late and an “I’m sorry” too short. But it’s all OK, because Barry believes in miracles. 

After being put through the wringer this season, Kim (aka the producers) wants to go out on a fun note. She instructs the kids to put on their fancy clothes and proceeds to serve them shrimp and black olives (um?), followed by a surprise pie-in-the-face prank. She sits there, with her fundie funbags on full display in a low-cut dress (WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?), grinning creepily.

We would have probably enjoyed this fun family moment, but Kim is still the worst and one evening of silly fun doesn’t make up for being a terrible person to your adult children.

TLC has yet to renew ‘Welcome to Plathville’ for another season, BUT THEY BETTER. We can’t go out like this. Olivia still hasn’t gotten “distance!” Moriah hasn’t found the other half of her shirts! Barry hasn’t figured out how to not smile at inappropriate times! And we know Micah isn’t done flexing! So go do a dance, hold a séance, whatever it takes, Plathheads, so we can do this all again for another season. It’s what we all want! I think? Isn’t it? We do want that, right??

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Welcome to Plathville’ recap, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)