Welcome back to Teen Mom OG— where the girls are old… and the storylines are even older!

We kick things off in Michigan, where the Octagon of Triggers is full of kicking, screaming, swatting kids. Catelynn says that she and Tyler are trying to figure out ways to “manage” their daughters’ outbursts. 

We get to see one of these “outbursts” when Nova refuses to gnaw on her ribs for dinner. Instead, she flops dramatically onto the couch (gee, I wonder who she learned that from?)  Tyler informs Nova that, should she choose not to continue to eat her ribs, there will be consequences.

“You won’t get no cereal or sugar or nothin’,” he tells her. 

Nova tells Tyler that she isn’t talking to him anymore. Tyler doesn’t even try to hide the fact that having his daughter shut her trap for a few minutes is essentially heaven in the octagon for him. 

“Hallelujah! Perfect!” he says as he jams another meat bone into his mouth, and then looks over at Catelynn. (He’s probably wondering if he’ll get slapped if he suggests she stop talking to him too.) 

Tyler then brings up the fact that his kids are not being raised in the same manner that he and Catelynn were. (After all, we know that April and Butch’s style of parenting included plopping their kids down in the TV section of the Sears and going down to the Applebee’s for a drink or 12 before returning to pick up their kids.) 

Cate’s grandpa suggests that Nova has so much that nothing thrills her anymore, and Tyler agrees that she’s entitled. 

Later, we learn why Nova has become so entitled.

“Every time we go to the store, she expects me to buy her a toy…and I do,” Cate says.

UM….

Catelynn, who has never stayed at a “career” for more than one episode, suggests that Nova will have to learn that she has to “work for what you want.” 

UMMMMMM!?

She suggests they make Nova do chores to earn money to buy the crap she’s begging off of Cate at the Piggly-Wiggly. 

Ty and Cate decide that they’ll give Nova a dollar for simple tasks such as feeding the dog and cleaning her room. 

“Nothing in this world is f**king free,” Tyler says. “You’re not gonna get nothin’ handed to you in life!” 

Well… I mean, unless you get knocked up at 16 and somehow convince MTV to hand you checks for the next decade or so…

Over in California, things with Cheyenne and her third times a pregnancy charm boyfriend Zach are “getting pretty serious.” With Zach having already won over Cheyenne’s PowerPoint-presenting pals, he’s moved on to gaining Ryder’s approval, which he’s chosen to gain via bribery.

I think that’s nice…

Speaking of prizes, Cory is still hoping to nab one of his own in the form of a Challenge win.

I’ll give you a moment to stop laughing at that thought…

Because this is Cory we’re talking about, he can’t let a little distance keep him from stealing some screen time, so he’s planned an upcoming video call with Cheyenne and Ryder from inside ‘The Challenge’ house. Unfortunately, this scheduled video call is supposed to happen at the same time as Cheyenne’s sister’s birthday party. RSVP Kyle doesn’t seem too worried about it ruining her big day though.  

After running through the guest list for the party that Cheyenne is throwing (with MTV’s help, of course) R You Gonna Spring For A Live Band jokes that “Zach is back,” which Cheyenne demands that her sister never say again. 

In Tennessee, Ryan and Mackenzie talk to Larry and Jen about Jagger’s upcoming birthday party. Mack doesn’t want to film at the big party, but wants to have a smaller gathering at Jen and Larry’s. They discuss inviting Bentley, and Jen brings up the fact that Bentley hasn’t been around Ryan and Mack for awhile.

“We’re dangerous peeps,” Ryan croaks. 

Later, Jen calls up “that dern Maci” and tells her the date of Jagger’s party. Maci says that Bentley will probably be able to attend (as long as he is not doing “the sports” and/or preening his mullet that night). 

We then go to Maci’s Mansion, where Maci talks to Bentley about the party. He asks who will be attending the festivities, and Maci informs him that “Ryan and Mackenzie” will be there. (Does anyone else think it’s odd that she refers to him as “Ryan” while talking to Bentley.)

Maci encourages Bentley to call Jen and talk to her. He agrees….and then sits there awkwardly, not realizing that Maci’s gonna make him do it on-camera.

“Like…now,” she tells him.

Maci then tells Bentley what to ask Jen.

Bentley asks Jen who will be attending the party, and she says that Ryan and Mack will be there. Bentley tells Jen that he’s planning to go to the party, even if Mack and Ryan will be there. Maci does not look thrilled with that decision.

Meanwhile, Mackenzie hangs around Oklahoma a bit longer as her dad prepares to undergo quadruple-bypass surgery. And since we can only watch so many episodes featuring Mack talking about getting physical (via her workout videos or via her sometimes-hubby Josh), MTV has decided to turn Mack’s dad’s medical emergency into a storyline! 

Mackenzie says losing her mom, Angie, taught her to “live in the moment” and enjoy things, which is helping her stay positive, despite being concerned about her dad’s upcoming procedure. 

Another thing she’s doing to keep her spirits up is rallying some friends for a cookout. The first thing to be roasted at this front-yard get together: Mackenzie’s husband, Josh. 

After nearly engulfing her grill, home and self in flames, Mackenzie welcomes some more guests – mostly family – to her shindig, which she reveals to be a “pre-surgery cookout” for her dad, Brad. (Somewhere in Oklahoma there’s a cardiologist watching this culinary horror show with bugged-out eyes. And, yes, I really do think cardiologists watch ‘Teen Mom.’ Sue me.) 

As Mackenzie and her dad struggle to get the previously on-fire grill fired up, Mackenzie assures her dad that his “one last good meal before surgery” is going to be a hit, complete with assorted meats, crab legs and – hold on to your plastic bib – Red Lobster biscuits.  

Looks like someone got their MTV check for the month, y’all! 

After Mackenzie reminds her dad that he can’t indulge in all you can eat meats and cheddar biscuits post-surgery, Brad admits he’s nervous and would feel a lot better if Angie was there because “doing it by yourself is just different.” Following her dad’s (seriously heartbreaking) comments, Mackenzie suggests that the family visit Angie’s grave as it could be “therapeutic” for her dad, to which Brad agrees. She then asks her dad to sit down so her kids can give him the cards and drallings drawings they’ve made for his hospital room. 

Next, we head to Indiana to check in with Amber. She’s still pretending like she could humble herself enough to go live on Gary‘s property in a “modular home.” (She is basically a movie star, after all, so this wouldn’t help her image much.)

After a little awkward car rubbin’ on The GarBear, Amber and Gary arrive at Young Homes (which sounds like the name of a youth rapper from the 1990s.)

Modular Home Salesman Sean shows them his finest single-wide, and Amber makes sure to tell everyone that she’s never lived in a modular home before. (Movie star, you know…) She does admit that she’s impressed by the low price tag.

She makes sure to tell Modular Home Salesman Sean (who I’m not even sure is human and not a robot) that she has “fancy taste” and that she has a home in one of the fanciest neighborhoods around.

Over in Michigan, Ty and Cate are trying to get Nova on-board with their chore chart dollar system, but she’s not having it. She seems to be happy with the way things are currently: she screams and embarrasses Cate in the store until she gets whatever piece of crap she wants, and she doesn’t have to do any chores.

Nova immediately starts whining and tells her parents she doesn’t want to make a dollar.

They keep trying to coax the kid into doing simple stuff, like picking up the paint she left out. Nova is not interested at all, even though Ty and Cate keep talking over each other and saying the word “dollar” more times than a lap dancer the day before rent is due. 

They somehow decide that Nova doodling a few letters over her chore chart warrants a dollar reward. That motivates her to do a few other chores and score a bunch of money. 

Back in Los Angeles, the day of R’s party has arrived and Cheyenne and her family are putting the final touches on what is sure to be another over-the-top Floyd Family event. (We all know these people essentially throw quincenera-level festivities for even the smallest occasion, such as when the non-famous sister has a birthday.) 

Because Chey is all about “safety first” (except when it comes to reproduction, obviously),  she tells viewers that everyone has been tested (for COVID). After Cheyenne’s mom asks her if she has told Cory about her relationship with Zach yet, we see that, like the party guests, Cheyenne’s nerves are being tested, too. 

Cheyenne tells her mom that Cory doesn’t know about her and Zach yet, but only because it hasn’t come up. Thanks to Ryder, this soon changes. 

As Cheyenne steps away from setting up the party to answer Cory’s call, Ryder hops on, says hello and then tells her dad she’s going to head inside to talk to Zach. 

After Ryder snitches, Cheyenne is forced to come clean to Cory and admit that she and Zach are dating again. After getting a less-than enthusiastic stamp of approval from Ryder, Cory tells Cheyenne he’s OK with her dating someone that Ryder already knows. Cheyenne sarcastically thanks him for his blessing. 

Once R’s party begins, Cheyenne sits down with Remy and tells her how easy things are with Zach compared to her previous relationships – those with and without Zach. Remy all but says “I told ya so,” as if we all didn’t just see her stand up and roast Zach via slideshow last week. 

Cheyenne then rounds up her friends and family to sit down for R’s birthday dinner. The dinner naturally takes place on the lawn, with a table full of candles and rose pedals because this is Cheyenne’s family. A basket of Red Lobster biscuits ain’t gonna do it for the Floyds! 

Cheyenne’s dad gives a toast for R and naturally wraps it up by raising his glass and saying, “Zach is back!” 

After that declaration, Zach gives an obligatory toast to R, who looks as though she misread the invitation to her own party and showed up for a sleepover. 

Back in Oklahoma, elusive rodeo rider Josh makes an appearance, as he’s been put on kid wranglin’ duty while Mack is with her family. Joining Josh for his “quality time with the kids” is a random bearded fellow, because keeping three children alive amongst a bunch of playground equipment is a two-person job. Or at least it is for Josh, anyway. 

The following day, she and her siblings pick up Brad from his house and take him to the hospital to have his surgery. On the way there, Mackenzie’s kids FaceTime Brad and afterwards, Mackenzie’s brother Zeke says a prayer. Six hours later, Brad is out of surgery. Mackenzie says the procedure went well, but she reveals her dad is having a “hard recovery.” Due to COVID protocols, only two people can see Brad each day and when it’s finally Mackenzie’s turn, she says she’s excited but also tired of seeing her parents in hospital beds.

Meanwhile, in Indiana, Amber seeks advice from her brother, Bubby Shawn. In order to do this, though, Amber has for some reason purchased a sexy military outfit. She informs her brother (who is a veteran) that she has chosen to wear this barely there atrocity as a birthday gift for him.

AS. YOU. DO.

Amber is apparently the only person on earth who doesn’t think this is creepy as hell. Even Bubby seems disturbed, asking her, “What are you wearing?!” She informs him (while pretending to shoot machine guns with her fingers, natch) that it was slim pickens online, so she had to go with a slutty paratrooper costume.

She continues this charade, despite her brother being creeped out and seemingly slightly offended by her “gesture.”

This gesture tells me that Amber has way too much extra money if she can afford to buy an entire slutty Halloween costume just to wear for a phone call with her brother. (NOPE, nothing creepy about that…) She could totally afford the double-wide. 

She then launches into a patriotic speech, thanking Bubby for his two tours of duty “right when the war started.” She then awkwardly segways her #NeverForget moment into talking about her moving into a trailer on Gary’s property.

WHAT THE HELL AM I WATCHING?! Seriously. 

Bubby says that he thinks Kristina is secretly seething about Gary’s plan to move his baby mama into a modular out by the chicken coop, given that Gary has said that he’s always “gonna have love” for Ambie.

Bubby tells Amber not to move onto Gary’s property. Later, she heads to a restaurant to tell Kristina and Gary of her plan… while still wearing her slutty paratrooper outfit.

HAT.AND.ALL.

Amber explains why she’s wearing the slutty costume in honor of Bubby’s military service, and Kristina— bless her heart— doesn’t laugh. (She does look like she’s literally biting her tongue not to burst out in laughter.) 

Amber informs them that she won’t be moving onto their land, and both Shirleys seem to be breathing a sigh of relief. It seems Gary and Kristina had time to think about what they had offered and were terrified Amber (and whatever slutty Halloween costume she orders next off of Amazon) would be within a 15-foot radius of them at all times. 

Gary finishes off the convo by complementing Kristina, saying she’s basically all of the things Amber is not.

“I must be horrible then,” Amber says.

AND NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. LITERALLY NOT ONE PERSON CORRECTS HER.

In Tennessee, Maci is sitting amongst her stacks of trash and crap. (Seriously, did Leah Messer unload her TrashMobile inside of Maci’s house or something? WTF?) 

Maci gets a text from Jen, who informs her that she got the birthday parties mixed up. The party that Bentley agreed to go to is actually going to be at Ryan’s house, not Jen and Larry’s. The party at Jen and Larry’s is for the people who don’t want to film. 

Um…why not let Bentley attend that party and not be on camera? This poor kid can’t take a pee without two MTV cameramen running to the bathroom door to get the damn audio of it!

Maci and Taylor vow to talk to Bentley about the parties, and Maci applauds herself for having so much self control and not going over there and running Ryan over with her giant Jeep. 

I think that’s nice…

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode click here!

(Photos: MTV)