On this episode of Teen Mom 2, it seems that we will be checking off all of the key things that we fans have come to expect from the show after sixty five 10 seasons: Someone is going to have random conversations in the park, someone is going to get stood up by their baby daddy and someone is going to move. While these topics frequently come up when we’re dealing with our fave MTV breeders, it’s rare that we are blessed with an episode that comes complete with all three key things! Let’s get started!

We kick things off in Indiana. Jade and Sean have yet to get back together and, even more surprising, Jade has yet to give in and let Sean live rent-free in her home again while pursuing “the music.” 

In fact, Jade is looking to upgrade her current living quarters and instead of asking Sean to come along and scope out a potential video game room, she asks that he keep an eye on Cloughie while she goes house hunting solo. Jade tells Sean she thinks taking some time (and space) from each other has been beneficial and while Sean agrees, he tells Jade that Klow-ee doesn’t like where he’s currently living. 

Sean later reveals he’s shacking up in an extended-stay motel, so now we understand why Clo-E isn’t a fan of father-daughter nights. (The thrill of vending machine dinners can only last so long, even for a toddler.) Sean says Jade is taking their breakup way better than he his, probably because she actually has a job and a place to live that doesn’t have fleas (probably). 

Jade ends up loving the house she looks at so she puts in an application. She (of course) goes on to give Sean the obligatory pat on the back via voiceover “for being supportive” of her decision, as if he has a choice. 

(Perhaps he’s hoping to sweet-talk the landlord with a few custom rap ditties and secure himself some free lodging near Jade and Kloewey?) 

Later on, Jade finds out her application is approved and she gets the go-ahead to move in. Jade tells her friend that she’s super excited to pack-up her multi-colored eyeshadows and head to the ‘burbs. She’s even wrangled her her parents and Sean (aka her future tenants…because you know their broke asses are moving into that house at some point!) to help her schlep all of her crap to the new place. 

Despite her excitement, Jade says she’s a little nervous, given how her last moving day went.

Even though we all know it’s just a matter of time before one if not all of Jade’s free-riding family members show up with a crusty duffle bag in hand looking for a place to crash, we appreciate her dedication to the whole “independent woman” schtick she’s trying out. 

Next, we head over to West Virginia where Leah and her sister Victoria head to a random park to discuss the tumor Leah found in her breasteseses. (Where is Victoria’s pack ‘o’ kids? Does she just let ’em loose in the park with a shovel and tell them to try to dig to their assorted baby daddies’ houses? Fun for the whole family!) 

Leah informs Victoria that the doctor found a tumor in her right breasteses; however, he doesn’t believe it to be cancerous. Much like Robbie Kidd all those years ago, the doctor wants to keep an eye on Leah’s breasteses. 

Leah is afraid that she’ll have to get surgery to remove it, and that scares the dang tootin’ out of her. In case you hadn’t heard, Leah used to be an ADDICT, so the thought of getting her mitts on a bottle of prescription pillseseses is terrifying. She feels like she could be right back to Midnight RavioliVille with just one pop of a pill. 

Poor Victoria is so over these “Meet Me In The Creepy Park So We Can Talk About My Addiction” convos. She can barely cough out one-word replies as Leah talks, once again, about her struggle against The Pillseses.

There’s also another problem: Leah doesn’t have medical insurance. 

Leah, a 29-year-old woman who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, does not have medical insurance. She said it never occurred to her that “situations like this” would occur.

Um..

UM…?!?!

She said, in the past, she would just avoid going to the doctor.

Do doctors in Leah’s neighborhood even take insurance? I always figured you just go to whatever outhouse they’re practicing out of, sign your name on the chalkboard out front, and “set” outside until some guy who used to work at Walgreens comes out and gives you a good lookin’ over and then hands you a Benadryl. 

Luckily, Leah reveals that her girlseseses’ assorted baby daddies provide them medical insurance, so it’s just Leah (a 29-year-old woman) who has no insurance…and didn’t realize she needed it.

(As The Ashley has told you in the past, the ‘Teen Mom’ girls are independent contractors for Viacom, so they do not get any employee benefits from Viacom/MTV.) 

Leah blames her lack of insurance/common sense on being a “Taurus.” 

“It don’t matter!” Victoria protests. 

Victoria explains to Leah that tumors need to be removed, or they will continue to enlarge. Leah says she’s worried to have any type of procedure.

Meanwhile, in Florida, Briana is on the road with her trusty pal, “Shirley,” when Luis crawls out of whatever Denny’s bathroom he’s been passed out in for the last month or so and texts Bri. He wants to “see Stella.” (Anyone else thinking he has Stella’s name written on a little piece of paper stuffed in his wallet so he doesn’t forget what his kid’s name is when he texts Bri?) 

Oh, and he also wants to “steal a little bit of time” from Briana. This, of course, means it’s time for their yearly pickle tickle session. (Someone clear out the bathroom in ‘da club!) 

“I guess he wants to talk to me?” Briana asks.

[Narrator: He did not want to ‘talk’ to her.]

Briana is frustrated that her baby daddies can’t seem to get their s**t together at the same time. She hasn’t been fighting with/throwing shoes at Devoin for a few weeks, but now Luis is randomly “popping up” (both literally and figuratively, apparently.) 

Briana is sad that Luis isn’t really in Stella’s life, but “Shirley” praises her for doing everything for the girls “plus more.” 

Briana makes a plan for Luis to “see Stella,” and the next day, Roxanne is busy putting muscle shirts on the dog (as you do).

(It’s nice to see they’re no longer using one of Briana’s baby daddies as their pet and actually got a dog.) 

Bri informs Roxy of her plan to meet Luis at a jumping place with Stella (who calls him “Luis” instead of “Dad,” natch.) Stella tells them that her dad Luis “works so hard” and “is always busy,” which seems to be how she reasons him not being around.

Briana says it’s been months since Luis sent any money for Stella’s daycare. Roxy has figured out Luis’ usual pattern: he ignores Briana and Stella when he’s got that piping hot DJ money in his pocket, but after he spends it, he resurfaces at Bri’s house with his hand out.

Afternoon rolls around and, surprise surprise, Luis has not texted Briana to find out what time to meet up with her and the kid. Roxy realizes that, since it’s Sunday, Luis was probably out late from “DJing” the night before. Briana decides to just take the kids and not wait for Luis to crawl his sorry ass out of whatever club ho’s mattress on the floor he woke up in that morning.

The kids get into the backseat and NOVA buckles Stella into her car seat. 

UM…..

Now, Nova probably knows how to do that better than Luis would but still, why is a kid buckling another kid into a car seat!? What in the Graco Future Catastrophe is going on here?

Meanwhile in Delaware, in between recording podcasts Kail helps Isaac and Lincoln understand how people without MTV contracts make a living. 

That pesky Coronavirus has reappeared near Casa de Kail to ruin a good time (and the boys’ in-person school schedule.) Kail has been informed of a positive COVID case within the boys’ school, so now the boys have to go back to virtual school full-time.

Producer Patrick is stressed that the possible COVID-19 outbreak will somehow affect him. (He’s even wearing his fashionable shoulder cardigan for extra protection.) 

After Producer Patrick calms the hell down, Kail sits her boys down to break the news to them that they won’t be going back to school in-person anytime soon. Needless to say, they’re disappointed. Well, most of them.

Kail explains to Lincoln and Isaac that she had informed all of the assorted baby daddies about the new development.

That’s literally all of the air time Kail & Co. got this week. I guess if she’s not launching a new podcast or fighting with Jo/Javi/Chris/the producers/everyone, she gets whittled down to a convo on the couch about COVID. 

Yawn…

Anyway, we next head to California. When we last saw Ashley, her tatted-brow baby daddy Bar was on bended knee, proposing marriage yet again. We have to hand it to Ashley, she really pulls off a convincing surprised reaction in this scene. (I suppose the moral of the story is when it comes to engagements, practice makes perfect?)

After Ashley says yes and ensures that her eyelashes are still attached to her face, she finally checks out her latest engagement ring and gives Bar a subtle nod of approval. 

Ashley immediately calls her mom to tell her she’s engaged (again) and she finds out her mom knew about the proposal all along. This mother-daughter moment WOULD have been kind of sweet, had it not been for Bar taking shameless videos of Ashley’s ring the whole time in order to humble brag to his followers. 

I think that’s nice…

Before heading back from their mini-getaway, Ashley and Bar take in some sights via boat while reminiscing on everything they’ve gone through as a couple. 

Ashley says it makes her feel good to have her mom’s blessing but she’s worried about bringing her and Bar’s families together “since they’ve gone off the rails at past events.”

Ashley and Bar are afraid that their wedding will end with someone in handcuffs, someone screaming on the venue’s front lawn and maybe even a few members of the wedding party getting their faces on Cops. They agree they have some decisions to make as to what they’ll do for their wedding and more importantly, how they’ll make sure the wedding and any events that come before it don’t turn into a pay-per-view cage fight.

Back in Orlando, Luis is a no-show at the trampoline park, so Briana takes the girls home. Briana tells an unsurprised Roxanne that Luis never showed up to jump with his daughter Stacey Stella. He did text, though, to inform Bri that he “overslept” because he hadn’t slept the last three days. 

Roxy is seething. She is obviously trying to hold herself back as Bri reads Luis’ BS text.

Briana reads Luis’ texts, which says he wants to spend more time with Stella and that he wants to put together a visitation plan…with the kid he just stood up at the trampoline park. Luis semi-shade Bri by insinuating that she’s held Stella from him and by that time, Roxanne looks like she’s scanning the garage for a shovel and a large trash bag to take care of this bottom-feeder.

Honestly, Roxanne’s series of faces as Bri reads the text may be The Ashley’s favorite thing she’s seen on this show since we lost our beloved Barbara. Roxy shows every single emotion, contorting her face in more ways than seemingly humanly possible. 

Luis informs them that he’s now local and working at night, which is why he “overslept” for his date with his daughter. He says he wants to have a better relationship with little Shelly Stella, just like he has with his other daughter. (I keep forgetting this creepnozzle is his own illegitimate child factory!) 

Roxanne is livid, but Briana is unsure what she wants to do with Big Lu at this point.

Back in The WV, Leah has dragged the girlseses to her trusty park, where they pepper her with demands of all the things they want Leah to spend her money on (other than health insurance, natch). Addie wants a snake, while Aleeah wants a Gucci belt. (Ali just looks like she wants to be anywhere but the creepy park.) 

Leah brought the girlseses to the park to announce that she finally has medical insurance! She’s high-fiving all around, while Producer Brendan just stares at her, trying to act like it’s normal that this girl, who is way younger and way richer than he is, didn’t have medical insurance. He looks like he doesn’t want to burst Leah’s Blue Cross/Blue Shield bubble, but still brings up that her getting insurance today probably won’t take care of “everything.” 

Leah says that her new insurance won’t cover the tumor in her breasteseses. She then explains what a tumor is to Addie, who seems completely uninterested.

Producer Brendan is still in disbelief that Leah hasn’t had insurance since she and Jeremy got their divorce…

…six years ago.

Leah explains that she realized that she was spending tons of money in out-of-pocket medical costs, so that’s when she realized she needed insurance. She tells Producer Brendan that she “busted her ass” to get herself out of past debt.

Leah vows to resist having the procedure unless it’s a life or death situation.

In California, Ashley and Bar get back from their trip and swing by Ashley’s mom’s house to pick up their daughter, Holly, and talk about the upcoming wedding/double family brawl. Ashley’s mom says she’s “over it” and is ready for Ashley and Bar to just get married already.

Ashley jokes that she and Bar might just run off and get hitched on their own, but her mom isn’t having that. She wants her daughter to have a big wedding, no matter how many punches are thrown along the way. Ashley says it’s sad that they’re in this situation and it all just makes her not want to have a wedding.

Unless MTV insists on paying for the entire thing, of course.

Back in Indiana, Jade meets Peter the property manager to sign the lease for her rental home. She heads out to pick up the moving truck, only to have Peter call to tell her that her money order was about $500 short, so now Jade has to make a bank run before picking up the moving truck.

While talking to her mom, Christy, Jade blames the money error on the bank teller, whom she claims must have “misheard the number” because of the mask Jade was wearing. 

Christy offers no response to Jade’s story, but does reveal why she offered to help Jade move that day. She wants Jade to allow some dude named Rod to wash his stank-ass T-shirts (which you know smell like cheap ciggies and sweat stains) in her washing machine…which is probably not even hooked up yet.

(Wait…Is Rod Jade’s dad? Christy’s meth pal? Sean’s music mentor? I have no clue who these people are. Can someone send me Rod’s info/mugshots so I can catch up?)

Jade finally picks up the moving truck and reminds everyone for the 43rd time that she’s “so behind.” Before long, Jade and her family are shuffling furniture around/ cussing at each other and a good time is had by no one. Naturally, Jade calls for the film crew to shut it down so she and her family can act up and scream at each other without further judgement.

(Um..WTF? We have to watch Jade rent moving trucks but we don’t get to peek in while her family has a Very Jerry Springer Moment? Sneak a hidden camera into the hallway on your way out, guys. Geez.) 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)