Welcome back to Teen Mom 2, folks! First things first, yes, The Ashley is aware that this recap is later than Devoin on his way to pick up Nova. The Ashley is still trying to catch up on her recaps but, because this show is now MTV melatonin, The Ashley keeps falling asleep while trying to recap. 

(Oh, what I wouldn’t give to hear Barbara scream about ‘kilos of weed’ again! At least that would jolt me awake!)

Let’s get it going because, well, we all have nothing better to do.

We start things off down in Florida, where Briana has decided that Nova can once again get picked up from gymnastics by De-vooyne. (BTW— it’s the same baby daddy, but now Bri is just randomly pronouncing his name correctly, after literally years of purposely mispronouncing it.)

Naturally, De-vooyne gets things off to a very on-brand start and shows up an hour late on his first day of duty.

Between Briana forgetting when early release day is and De-vooyne clearly unable to tell time, I think they should just buy the poor kid a good pair of walking shoes and a compass. She’d probably make it home faster on her own than waiting for one of her parents to pick her up. 

Back at her house, Briana tells her mom, sister and producer that De-vooyne gave her his word that he’d show up on time, but instead, Nova hung out at the gym until about 10 p.m. and came home “all sad and hysterical.” 

Wait. Hold the phone. Your kid was just nowhere to be found until 10 p.m. and no one thought to call the gym to inquire as to where the hell this child is? I was kidding about the walking shoes and compass but, honestly…it might not be such a bad idea. 

Also…am I the only one that like the name Devoin better than De-vooyne? Let’s call him that instead.

Briana tells everyone that Nova heard Devoin (through the phone) tell her coach that he forgot to pick her up, which only angers the DeJesus Coven more. 

Briana reads the text message she sent Devoin that night, telling him what a disappointment he is to Nova and any friend of the DeJesus Coven. Roxanne tells Briana that as Nova’s mom, she has every right to be mad. In fact, Roxanne encourages it.  

The next day, Briana, Roxanne and Brittany talk to Nova about what happened the night before. Nova tells them she was scared about being left at the gym and Briana assures her it will never happen, “ever again.” 

Next, we head down to the holler to check in with Leah Dawn Messer Simms Calvert Messer. She’s still nervous about having a tumor in her breasteseses, and even told Corey Tyler about it. She heads to the random clearing in the holler to deliver the twinseses to Corey.

Leah immediately starts talking about her breasteses lump to Corey, who seems uncomfortable and uninterested. He runs back into his truck as fast as he can.

Unfortunately, there is no time for Leah to tell anyone else about her breasteses issues and tissues. That’s because one of the lil’ holler kids in the twinses’ school came down with The Covid, so now in-person school has been shut down for at least two weeks.

Because of this ding-dang Covid, Leah had to cancel her breasteses doctor’s appointment. Luckily, all of the girlseses’ COVID testeses have been negative, but Leah is still nervous about sending them back to in-person school eventually. As we know, the schools in West Virginia are “not well,” so what’s the point? 

Leah bitches to her friends about how The Covid is ruining their lives (and about how she needs her hair trimmed.) It’s riveting television.

Over in Delaware, it’s yet another fascinating storyline. Now that Aubree and her phone are no longer on this show, Isaac has been tapped to fill in with his own device. That’s right… for some ungodly reason, the producers have decided THAT stellar cellphone storyline deserves to live on. 

JESUS GOD LEAH!

I can’t. I can not go through this again. It’s just not fair…

Kail says Isaac has been bringing his new phone over to Jo’s house and we already know this is going to end badly. Cut to Kail and Vee recording an episode of their Baby Mamas, No Drama podcast along with Jo as their special guest. After the episode wraps, Jo asks Kail if she’s set up parental controls on Isaac’s device, adding that they need to figure out the details of their son now having a phone. 

Vee, however, reveals to Kail what Jo is really worried about. 

Kail reminds Jo that Isaac has had an iPad for years and hasn’t been “looking at ti**ies” on that, to which Jo asks if Isaac has been clearing his browser history. 

Kail tells Jo if he’s not comfortable with Isaac having a phone, they can take it back from him and wait until he’s older, but Jo and Vee agree there’s really no point now that Isaac already has it. 

Later on, Kail sits down with Isaac to “set some ground rules” on the cellphone. She basically tells him it’s a privilege, not a right and that his little 11-year-old self will NOT be taking his iPhone with him to his room when he goes to bed at night – and he has his stepmom to thank for that. 

She also goes over some of his “approved contacts” and is beside herself to find out Isaac is trying to contact a girl named Zoe, a little girl he tells Kail used to be his girlfriend. 

Hung up on his exes? Gee, I wonder where Isaac got that from? 

Next, we kick it over to Indiana to check in with Jade and her assortment of useless family members. She and Kllo-i are settled into their new rental house, and, shockingly no one is sleeping permanently on Jade’s living room futon…yet. 

Our boy Sean is still slingin’ roaches off his bedroll at the Drug ‘n’ Doze Motel, so it’s no surprise that, lately, he’s been “spending a lot of time” at Jade’s place to “help with Cllowie.” (That’s good…at least he’s able to take a weekly flea bath.)

Sean wanders out of the bedroom in the morning, indicating that he took the night off from battling wayward roaches and slept at Jade’s house. 

For Klloie. Obviously.

Jade commends Sean for “stepping up” and “helping out” so much, and then asks for his opinion on her new house. Sean—who, remember, has been sleeping next to a can of Raid for the last few weeks— says he likes it a lot.

Jade tells Sean that him moving out was the best thing for their relationship, and that the “space” between them (a whole three feet and a plate of bacon and eggs!) has helped them get along better. She tells the camera that there have been discussions of Sean (and whatever roach pals he made at the motel) moving back in and staying but Jade says she’s “on the fence” about it.

(The Indianapolis Police Department is surely praying she decides against it.)

Finally, we head to California to see Ashley. She is chatting with her mom Tea, who wants the, well, tea, on Ashley and Bar’s wedding plans. Ashley says there are no plans yet. Tea makes Ashley promise that she will “make not one move” without her. 

Ashley suggests that maybe Tea would like to wear a wedding dress on the day of the wedding and stomp down the aisle behind Ashley. Tea says she plans to wear a white gown with “sprinkles.”

Ashley vows to murder her mother if she dares to wear white. She also vows to spill Kool-Aid on her corpse.

Now that’s a show I’d watch! It sounds like something you’d see on TLC! (And, honestly, it’s a stretch for anybody on the show ‘Teen Mom’ to wear a white wedding gown, OK?) 

Tea is just kidding, and says that Ashley can pick out her outfit for the wedding. Naturally, Ash says she plans to put her mother in a G-string mesh dress from the Fashion Nova. (Is that Tyler Baltierra‘s new store? Or kid’s name? I have no clue.) 

Tea seems excited about wearing a tight see-through dress to the wedding. I mean, nothing says “mother of the bride” quite like a pair of butt checks hanging out, covered with sprinkles, am I right?!) 

Later that night, Bar comes home from work…or whatever it is that he does?… and the fam heads to the Snow White Drive-In. The conversation turns to Bar’s GED, which he says he’s “been supposed to” have taken years ago.

Um…

Bar admits he’s made excuses every time someone brings up him getting his Good Enough Degree, but, he’s now vowing to make it happen!

Ashley asks Holly (who is seriously one of the cutest little girls ever) if she thinks school is important. Ashley tells us that high school is mandatory for Holly, just like it was mandatory for her. 

UM??

Ashley tells us that she wants Bar to have the Good Enough Degree because he’s really smart. Of course, the fact that he has “four eyebrows” (aka the horrible block letter tattoos directly above his real eyebrows that look like another set of brows),causes people to fail to see him for the genius he is.

Back in Florida, we see the man formerly known as Devoin call his friend Pedro to tell his side of the story. Devoin admits that he did forget to pick his kid up, but says it wasn’t worth turning it into “a big ass deal.” (As tempting at it is, we’re going to try not to make a joke about big asses right now… ) 

Devoin tells Pedro that he and Briana are both stubborn; however, being picked up late is basically just a rite of passage.

I’M SORRY WHAT?!

According to Devoin, he used to walk home from school in third grade by himself because his parents didn’t know which one of them was supposed to be picking him up. Devoin reveals that his latest pick-up snafu has gotten him kicked out of the Nova carpool rotation, yet again. 

Briana finds some time towards the end of the episode to remind the viewers and “Shirley” that Luis still isn’t coming around and Devoin “is still, you know, not consistent.” 

Despite this, Briana says she’s determined to give her daughters a good life and she hopes to make up for the latest bout of daddy drama by taking Nova kayaking soon in some alligator-infested waters. 

I think that’s nice…Apparently swatting gators with your kayak paddle is yet another “rite of passage’ for the kid? Someone light a candle for poor Nova…

Meanwhile in The WV, the twinseses are doing their learnings at home. Leah goes to talk to Aleeah, who is scared of bringing The Covid back to Ali.

Leah tells her youngin that she doesn’t want her to “distress.” 

Um…we need to get these kids back in school ASAP! 

A few days later, though, that pesky COVID has done snuck into Leah’s circle. Her ex-husband (the second one), Jeremy, has come down with a bad case of the ‘rona. He tells us how awful it is.

Jeremy is nervous he gave it to Addie, since she was with him the previous weekend.

Over in California, Bar tells us that, this time around, he’s focused on getting his GED. In the past he says he was “participating” in a lot of stuff that he shouldn’t have been. But now, he says, he plans to be “doin’ schoolin’.” He says he’s tired of being a ruffian and is hoping to put his “ankle monitor” days behind him for the sake of his family.

I think that’s nice…

While Bar’s getting his learn on, Ashley tells her friend she’s skeptical that he’ll actually complete the test this time around, since he’s failed to finish every other time he’s started working on it.

Finally, the day comes where Bar (and his four eyebrows) are going to take his final GED test. He takes it and gets the results and finds out…he’s passed! Ashley celebrates by knocking him in the head with a juice bottle. 

As you do…

Ashley is proud of Bar for passing the tests so easily. Ashley then talks to Bar about making it a requirement that Holly attend high school. (Soooo…just to be clear…they’re actually contemplating it being OK that their kid drops out in junior high?!)

Bar realizes that he can now apply for college. He says that, in the past, he has gone online to look at college “stuff” but realized he couldn’t “afforge” that when they asked about his GED.

UM?!?!??!

Please, Bar. Run to school. RUNNNNN!

Back in Indiana, we head to Slayed by Jade hair salon, where Jade tells us Sean is doing great taking care of Qlowei, but she’s just waiting for his inevitable failure. At home, Sean fixes Klloui some sort of gruel and then sits down to chat with Producer Felicia. 

Producer Felicia pumps Sean for info— is he getting back with Jade? Is he moving back in? Is he up-to-date on his rabies shots (you know, just in case something happens back at the Drug ‘n’ Doze)? Sean says that, in his eyes, he and Jade are still together, but that Jade may explain it differently. 

Sean says he sees a bright future full of positive things. 

Sean tells Producer Felicia that he got Jade a “gift” to show her he’s not going anywhere. (I could have told you that this dude ain’t leaving!) 

He also insists he’s not thinking about hooking up with any other broads.

Later, Jade is hanging out at home with her pal Kelsey. She’s talking about how she and Sean are on different pages as to where they want their relationship to be. Jade doesn’t want Sean in that way (honestly, his hood/hat combo probably isn’t helping), but Sean does want to be with Jade romantically.

Just then, Kelsey gets a call from Sean. He’s all pumped up like he just sampled some treats out of Jade’s family’s nose candy box. He tells Kelsey he wants to show her something and then tells her he’ll “catch ya outside!” Kelsey is confused, but she seems to sense that a major trainwreck is barreling toward her and Jade. She knows it’s probably some sort of engagement ring that will end in an awkward proposal that may or may end up with someone lying face down in the street in handcuffs.

Still, she heads to catch Sean outside as promised. 

Kelsey runs out to the side of the house, where Sean reveals “the gift” to her. No…”the gift” isn’t what’s inside Sean’s Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs (thankfully.) Instead, it’s a 3.5-carot ring. 

(This dude doesn’t work. How the hell is he affording a diamond ring with over three carots? Are we sure he didn’t mean carrots? Like, he got a ring and three and a half carrots for her to eat while she decides if she wants to marry him or not?) 

“She’s gonna love it, right?!” Sean says excitedly. (Seriously, this is the most enthusiasm we’ve ever seen from Sean, except for maybe the time he heard that they were giving away free hot sandwiches down at the Salvation Army.) 

Kelsey knows that Jade isn’t into being in a relationship with Sean, but she tells Sean that Jade will love the ring.

Sean tells the camera he’s got his eyes set on marriage and more kids. 

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here! 

(Photos: MTV)