Hey y’all! Gather ’round! It’s time for another Teen Mom 2 recap! Things have been getting pretty crazy in ‘Teen Mom 2’ Land…and by ‘crazy’ I mean ‘not at all exciting’ and even ‘borderline comatose.’ Even Leah isn’t delivering the trash-tastic tales hillbilly hijinks she used to. Luckily, we still have Jade and her assorted degenerates to bring us a bit of Hefty-esque trashbaggery, but this show is basically TV tryptophan. 

Let’s get started!

We kick things off in Indiana with Jade. Last episode, Sean was all jazzed-up about the ring full of carots (or possibly carrots…we stay don’t know for sure) for Jade. He was excitedly showing it off to her friend, who knew that Jade doesn’t want to be with Sean (except for the occasional porkin’ on the living room futon after Kloweyi goes to bed).

This whole thing is going to go from awkward to sad to someone getting put on probation in a very short span of time. 

I can’t wait!

Producer Felicia comes into the kitchen one morning and tells Jade and Sean they were “reviewing some footage” and then heard Jade and Sean having some “interesting conversations.”

Sean gives her this weird (and very unflattering) look and insists he has no clue what she’s talking about, but Felicia ain’t playing that game! She knows he knows she knows! 

Jade, however, is willing to talk about what happened. She describes it as “weird and out there.” (Fingers crossed this proposal tops other “weird and out there” ‘Teen Mom’ proposals, such as when Amber made Gary kneel on the beach so she could bark at him.) 

Jade says that Sean told her had “a gift” for her. This time, it wasn’t a proposition to smack pissers on the couch, though. It was actually a ring, and Sean said he didn’t want to give it to Jade in front of the cameras. Jade is telling this story, mind you, like Sean isn’t sitting next to her, slack-jawed and trying to disappear into his tie-dyed hoodie.

Sean snaps out of his embarrassment-induced coma to tell Producer Felicia that he wasn’t expecting an answer from Jade after proposing. Jade says she’s “um…holding off on” wearing the ring, even though “DUH!” Sean wants her to wear it.

(Sean literally said “Duh” like he was one of those Olsen Twins during an old episode of Full House.)

Producer Felicia asks for the status of their relationship. Sean looks to Jade to answer. She says she’s doesn’t know…but then goes in FOR THE FREAKING FIST BUMP and calls him her “homie.”

That’s all you need to know, bro. You better grab up that ring, waddle down to whatever pawn shop you purchased it from and beg for your money back. You literally have a better chance of marrying an Olsen Twin at this point than marrying Jade.

Producer Felicia asks to see the ring. Sean goes and gets it, and shows off the 3-carot/carrot ring. To make a cringy situation even less romantic (if that’s even possible), Sean tells us the ring “don’t fit,” as Jade barks about how she has a “sausage finger.”

Sean then yells at Jade for saying she has a sausage finger.

She then tells Producer Felicia (who deserves a medal for not busting out laughing about the completely awkward situation playing out in front of her) that Sean can’t just get her an engagement ring and expect their problems to be fixed.

Jade knows this because they’ve already tried that!

Jade continues to pound on whatever sliver of dignity Sean still has left, telling Producer Felicia that Sean proposing “is not that big of a deal.” 

Next we head down to The WV to check in with Leah. She’s informing Producer Brendan that ol’ Jerm has tested positive for The Covid. Leah explains that, at first, Jeremy believed that he had a false positive on his hands, but Leah assures him that she knows a false positive when she sees one, given the amount of time she’s peed on a pregnancy test (and assumingly dunked it into a container of pee like Catelynn?)

I think that’s nice…

Leah is worried that Addie has The Covid too, since she was just with Jeremy, but so far she’s feeling OK. Leah says she’s trying to make the best of it. She’ll be shut-in with the girlseses for 14 days since they were directly exposed to The Covid. During that 14-day quarantine, Leah says she is dreaming of punching Jerm in the face (no word if it will be with her fists or a slab of bacon) for putting them at risk. 

The twinseses are staying with Corey Tyler as a precaution for a few extra days, just in case Addie and/or Leah come down with The Covid. Addie gives herself a Covid test, as Leah explains that she’s anxious about the whole situation.

Over at Corey’s cabin, the twinseses are taking the testeseses to see if they have The Covid. Corey seems a little angry that Jeremy exposed the girlseses (especially Ali) to the virus, but he’s doing everything he can to prevent anyone else from getting it. 

Next, we head to California to check in with Ashley. She’s planning a surprise party for Bar to celebrate the fact that he recently passed his GED test! Ashley says it took years of procrastinating, but Bar finally has that Good Enough Degree in-hand, so it’s time to paaarty!

Ashley’s willing to put her “pride to the side” and invite some of Bar’s less-than-savory family members (even the ones she doesn’t like) in order to make him happy. 

We are then treated to an absolute legendary scene in which Bar’s mom Shen croaks “We came to celebrate a birthday” (in all her seahaggish wonder!)

“Not with you, bitch!” Ashley screams back. This, of course, leads to an all-out brawl, with phones, hair and insults flying everywhere. (Was this on Young and Pregnant? Why the hell was I not watching this show and instead tuning in to listen to Chelsea talk about her distressed leather mini skirts?! I have made a huge mistake, guys…)

Later, Ashley and her sister Chris go to the bar to discuss Bar’s GED. Chris is proud of Bar for “stepping up” and finally getting it. Chris is a little nervous to hear that Ashley plans to invite Bar’s rowdy family, and she encourages Ashley to “temperature check” the family before “throwing them all into the pot.”

Ashley admits she could be more open to being respectful to his family, and even to mending some of the broken relationships.

Next, we scurry over to Delaware, where Kail’s boys are being subjected to virtual school at the moment. With everyone locked inside and not hanging with exes, or going to the Wawa for a little, um, “dip” or whatnot, things are pretty snoozy.

Since this is ‘Teen Mom 2’ we know that when storylines get snoozy, they bust out the cell phone drama story again. 

Seriously, I’d rather watch Mama Dawn pick her ears for the next two hours than watch one more segment about any ‘Teen Mom’ kid talk about their cell phone. I CAN NOT.

But…here we are. To prevent Isaac from becoming an aspiring TikTok star/social media influencer/someone who can’t drive a car without texting or FaceTiming (like every other person on this show), Kail sits down to talk him about things he can do that don’t involve a cellphone. 

Kail asks Isaac how he’s feeling with the whole pandemic situation and Isaac tells her he’s sad because he feels like he’s missing out on a lot. Kail says even before the pandemic, Isaac struggled with boredom. ( I, too, struggle with boredom…every week when I recap this horrible show.)

Kail says it’s similar to what Jo went through as a child, because they’re both “too smart for their own good.” 

Later on, Kail continues her quest to force a hobby upon Isaac by taking his interest in drawing and completely misinterpreting it. Instead of handing Isaac a sketch book and sitting him in front of a bowl of fruit or something, Kail decides Isaac should help her pick out tile because “it’s kind of like art, right?” 

After Kail presents Isaac with the offer to design his own bathroom, he surprisingly seems into it, reminding us all just how bleak things were at the height of the pandemic.

Kail calls her friend Kristen later to tell her how excited she is about going to pick up tile samples.

Let’s take a moment here to realize that MTV literally is making a TV show about Kail picking out tile. AND WE ARE WATCHING IT.

These are dark times, my friends…

When Kail gets home, she shows Isaac the options, hoping he’s even half as excited as she is about the whole thing. Fortunately, Isaac IS excited, he’s just not excited about any of Kail’s selections.

Finally we head on over to Florida next. After pressure from the producers to talk about something other than Devoin’s tardiness, Briana announces to viewers that they’re finally going to meet the new man in her life – Javi: The Sequel. Briana hypes Javi II up as a single father of two, who is “a little rough around the edges” and covered in tattoos. 

Briana also says The 2021 Edition Javi hasn’t met Roxanne yet and getting him to film with her (and patent-leather-pump wielding Roxy) has been “a struggle.” Briana explains that she’s hesitant to introduce the spare Javi to her world. She’s not, however, hesitant to let him continue tatting up her arm at his shop. 

Before waltzing up into the shop with her friend and a whole camera crew in tow, Briana heads inside to give the backup Javi a pep talk… or possibly threaten him if he tries to back-out at the last minute.  

After convincing Javi Part 2 to open up his shop to the camera crew, Briana comes in to get herself some more ink so she, too, can be “rough around the edges” like her “friend.” Once the tattoo session starts, Javi Jr. appears to be completely at ease, while Briana, who moments ago was touting her decade of reality TV experience, is the one who seems uncomfortable as hell – and not because a needle is being jabbed into her arm. 

Briana says it’s hard to establish a new relationship on TV and though she wants everyone to see her story, she’s trying to learn from her mistakes, and “once this is on television, it never goes away.” 

Back in Indiana, Jade’s “homie” Sean tells us that he’s still dead-set on getting Jade to marry him at some point…even though the thought of marrying Sean appears to physically repulse Jade. (Maybe he plans to woo her back with some of his sweet rap songs? I dunno…)

We then realize Sean isn’t hopeful, he’s actually delusional.

He tells us that he’s not going anywhere, and that the only reason Jade isn’t wearing his engagement ring is because it didn’t fit. He’s claiming it’s a sausage-finger-related snafu, rather than the fact that this woman literally told him she doesn’t want him in any way, particularly as a fiancé, and that she didn’t even understand why he would propose.

Later, Jade’s friend Chau comes over to “randomly” ask Sean if he’s planning to get his own “crib” or if he’s just trying to keep moving his stuff into the house, one tie-dyed hoodie at a time. He doesn’t really answer, but he mentions that he “low-key proposed…a little bit.”

Jade looks absolutely mortified. 

Sean doesn’t see the “SHUT THE F**K UP” look Jade has on her face, and goes on to tell the entire tale of how he felt Jade was “iffy” about how he was feeling about their relationship. He says he wanted to “show” Jade how he felt about her…via unwanted engagement ring.

Sean brings out said unwanted engagement ring and Chau is impressed by the ring.

“Whole salad!” Sean declares randomly.

(Is this a real phrase the kids are saying these days? Or is he just randomly naming foods?) 

Jade then declares that, if she ever actually marries Sean, she will make him sign a pre-nup. (That’s good for Sean, too. I mean…what if they divorce and Jade comes for his collection of beat-up ball caps or— worse!— is assortment of McDonald’s collectible NBA plastic cups!)

Jade then goes on to say she doesn’t even believe in marriage, and that deciding to wear an engagement ring is just as good as getting legally hitched. She tells us later that she doesn’t think she is ready to be anyone’s fiancé (but especially not Sean’s!) 

We head back to California, where Bar tells us that he “found out” about the surprise graduation party Ashley is throwing him. How did he find out, you ask? His mama, Shen, opened her big ol’ trap and spilled the beans on the Good Enough Degree party. Both Ashley and Bar are upset that Shen couldn’t keep her Wet’n’Wild lipgloss-slathered mouth shut about the party.

Bar apologizes to Ashley and tells him that he appreciates that she was throwing a surprise party for him.

He’s hopeful that Ashley will still throw him the “graduation” party… even though he didn’t technically graduate from anything but, hey, small victories! He doesn’t have any sort of ankle monitoring device on him and he has a GED! 

Ashley is remaining calm but she just has this look, like she’s narrating the inevitable Dateline story that will inevitably air about her life someday.

Still, Ashley vows not to be “beefy” with Shen so that Bar can still have a nice party. 

We don’t get to par-tay with Bar & the Gang (no pun intended), due to COVID restrictions. However, Bar tells us that he had a great time, even though his mom Shen didn’t come after ruining the surprise for him. 

While the party was great, Bar’s relationship with his mom Shen is not. He says they got into a fight the night before. He says Shen’s not coming to any of the “s**t.” (It’s nice when people refer to their wedding day as “the s**t,” don’t ya think?) 

Bless her heart, Ashley resists smiling or showing any happiness as Bar tells her that she won’t have to see Shen’s mug in her wedding pics. (We also know that Ashley’s mom was kidding about wearing the skintight see-through dress to the wedding; however, it’s possible Shen’s already shopping in the “mature ladies” section of the Fashion Nova as we speak in order to find that perfect wedding frock.)

Bar vows that the wedding and wedding events will still be “hella dope.”

Also hella dope? The fact that the X-rated message written on the dry erase board behind Ashley actually made it into the shot without being blurred. 

Finally, we check in with Bri one last time. She is subjecting poor “Shirley” to another torturous recap of her week, because apparently “Shirley” must have done something really awful in a past life. 

“Shirley” comments on Briana’s latest tattoo addition and Briana reveals that the tattoo sesh was filmed. “Shirley” asks if Briana would film with The Return of Javi again, to which Briana says she doesn’t know – though she does give copy+paste Javi props for being “nice,” getting her “pretty much” whatever she wants and showing her the attention she “thinks” she wants… so there’s that. 

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ episode, click here!

(Photos: MTV)