Well ding-dang-it! The Ashley has really sucked at doing Teen Mom 2 recaps this season. (You can thank the ‘Teen Mom’ gang for that! They’ve been keeping The Ashley way too busy, making her report on their various hi-jinks and shenanigans, and leaving her no time to poke fun at what they do on the actual show.)

In attempt to make up for her shortcomings, The Ashley will now recap the latest episode, before the new episode airs tonight, putting her once again behind.

Let’s get started before someone from the show ends up in handcuffs (or ‘da clinic’) and The Ashley has to write about it.

We kick things off down in the ding-dang holler with Leah. She’s still frettin’ about her tumor and such, so Producer Brendan— who is apparently absolutely determined to stretch this tumor storyline across the entire damn season— asks Leah about her upcoming ultrasound.

Leah says she’s been to plenty of doctor’s appointments with Ali, so it’s hard to rattle her. Still, Leah says she’s “fillin'” a little anxious that something will be seriously wrong with her (other than her inability to distinguish between ‘was’ and ‘were,’ of course.) 

Later, Leah sits down with all three girlseseses for a fancy dinner. Addie is scolded for not having good manners.

Addie attempts to redeem herself by offering to cut Ali’s meat. She insists that she will help Ali instead of having Leah do it because, “When we’re older, you’re going to be dead and I’m going to have to help.”

I think that’s nice…

Leah does not think that’s nice, however. She yells at Addie to stop saying she’s going to be dead. Leah then gets the urge to stand in her power, and launches into a speech about how she’s going to live a “very long and prosperous life because I keep up with my health and wellness.”

Leah proudly tells the girlseseses how healthy she is because she works out, goes to the doctor and eats right (she’s drinking Diet Mountain Dew these days, apparently.)

Addie— never one to let her Mama brag much before knocking her down a few pegs— reminds Leah that’s she real dang healthy because she vapes all the time.

Leah just goes right on yapping. She talks about her concerns about her dang tumor again and all three girlseses look like they would run from the table…but are only staying because Leah’s got pecan pie for dessert. Addie is concerned Leah will die if she has the tumor removed. She’s also concerned that Leah will have a “smaller boob.”

The next day, Leah finds a new victim to talk about her breasteseses tumor with. It’s Kathy, an older woman who just happens to be hanging around Leah’s house. She informs Kathy she has the tumor.

“I don’t tell many people that,” Leah says.

Um…since when?

Kathy wants to know how long Leah and her breasteses will be out of commission if she has to have the surgery. (Kathy ain’t no fool! She knows she’s going to be hit up to babysit the girlseseses, so she wants to clear her schedule now.)

Leah somehow manages to work her previous addiction to pain meds into convo too. (Poor, poor Kathy.) 

Soon both Leah and Kathy are crying. (Wait until she starts talking about standing in your power, Kath. That will really give you something to blubber about!) 

Next we check in with Kail this week, she’s driving Creed to his dad’s house, where Lux has already been visiting for a couple of days. Kail reminds viewers that Chris hasn’t really been a part of the show this season, even though the two of them are co-parenting. 

Kail also reminds everyone that no amount of baby daddy/NDA/haircut/custody drama will ever piss her off to the point that she would keep her kids away from their father(s) because she’s just not that kind of person. 

After dropping Creed off inside, Kail hurries out, hops back into her car and starts talking to Producer Patrick on speaker phone. Kail tells Patrick that Chris asked Lux if he wanted to “go with mommy to see Lincoln train” for football. Naturally, the idea of hanging out with his big brother and having free rein to run around like a wild child appeals to Lux more than hanging out with his part-time parent and baby bro, so Lux jumps at the opportunity. 

So…basically, Chris dumped Lux back off on Kail and she is not happy about it. 

(If you listen very closely, you can hear a Dover police officer starting to file the PFA paperwork…)

Kail is noticeably confused and annoyed by Chris’s trickery, but she plays it off for Lux’s sake as Chris basically chucks Lux into his car seat.

After Lincoln’s football practice, Kail drives Lux back to Chris’ house to drop him off and pick Creed up. (They’re basically playing Hot Potato with their assorted offspring. Whoever is holding the kid when the music stops has to take him.) 

While Chris runs back inside to make Creed a bottle for the road, Kail discovers that Creed has a new tooth and when Chris gets outside, they both check out the new chomper.

“Did you see his tooth?!” Kail asks Chris, who grunts, “Where?”

“In his mouth, Chris,” Kail deadpans.

OK…that was good.

Before Kail drives off, Chris starts demanding Kail bring one of the kids– I have no idea which one is going where at this point— to him by 6. Kail just stares at him angrily, so Chris reminds her that “we ain’t friends.” He starts asking about her latest MTV mansion, and then, out of nowhere, gets into the passenger seat to taunt the dash cameras, claiming MTV can’t show him if he drops a bunch of F-bombs.

Kail is screaming for him to get “the f**k out” all while Creed settles in with 4 ounces of Simulac. By now this kid probably knows he’s about to see quite a show.

Chris is still taunting the cameras and cussing (as you do), and Kail warns Chris he’ll still be on the show. She says they’ll just end up bleeping his language, but Chris doesn’t believe her. Both of them are cussing and screaming at each other, but you get the impression that they might just crawl into the back seat and get a little “WaWa action” (if you will). There’s still a bit of sexual chemistry going on, behind all the yelling and F bombs.

Over in California, it’s almost time for Ashley to receive her associate’s degree and Bar is still plugging away at his college courses, too. Ashley tells her friend her next plan is to pursue a nursing degree. 

Meanwhile, Bar tells his friends things are “rolling smooth right now” because he’s “not, like, ass broke,” nor is he “hella drunk all day” or waking up at 10 a.m. to pop a bottle.

I think that’s nice… 

Bar says he always knew alcohol was a problem, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself. 

Later on, Ashley is working on an online class when Bar reveals to her that he’s a little behind on his own courses, due to his lack of discipline. He also mentions a 6 a.m. class that he doesn’t seem particularly fond of, though he assures Ashley he’s going to catch up with everything. 

When Bar gets online to do some of the assignments he’s fallen behind on, he realizes he missed his midterm and as a result, will fail his business class. 

Ashley says she isn’t upset with Bar, she just feels that he needs to “get his feet wet” and get a better understanding of how much time and dedication he needs to commit to school in order to be successful. And, you know, maybe log-on and take a gander at his assignments from time to time. 

Over in Florida, Briana’s daughters are both seeing their dads today and Briana can hardly believe it, which is a good thing, as it probably won’t end up happening knowing those two. 

Briana tells Brittany that Luis is “probably” coming over to hang with Stella, so she’s planning to make a run for it. Brittany says she’s not going to stick around either, and decides Luis is capable of handling his daughter and the DeJesus dogs while they’re both away. (I hope they put a lock on their snack cabinet. We all know Ol’ Lu is going to be taking every Lunchable and Ritz cracker snack pack the DeJesus fam has!)

Briana says she knows Devoin will show up for Nova, but is pretty certain Luis is only coming around again because Roxanne told his mom he was being a “bum ass,” as Brittany so eloquently puts it. That being said, Briana still isn’t convinced that Luis – and his bum ass – will show up. 

Stella overhears her mom and Brittany talking and makes it clear she’s not down for a visit with her pops… or his bum ass. Cue Stella rolling on the furniture, repeating the word “no,” scribbling on some paper before shoving said-paper off of the table, screaming, crying, hiding under the table, refusing to go to her room – the works, all because she doesn’t want to see Luis.

Later on, Luis (surprisingly) shows up to Briana’s house to a less-than-warm welcome from Stella. Briana says she understands why Stella acted out, as Luis is pretty much a stranger to her, and she struggles with whether or not she should allow him to continue coming in and out of her daughter’s life. 

While Luis is failing in the fatherhood department, per usual, Devoin is crushing it this week, with his school pick-up privileges reinstated and Stella requesting to see him when he drops off Nova. 

After dealing with the Luis nonsense, Briana contacts a lawyer and later, invites Javi II over so he can give her his opinion on the situation as he’s also a dad. 

Briana and Javi II talk about child support, custody and parental rights, and Briana reveals she’d like for Luis to give up his rights to Stella, being that he basically has zero relationship with her. Javi II tells Briana she should do whatever she feels is best for Stella because she has good judgement.

Clearly Javi II is not a longtime viewer of this show. 

The next day, Briana tells Brittany her plans and as always, Brittany is more than supportive. 

Briana tells Brittany that when you have kids out of wedlock with people you don’t necessarily get along with, “somethings bound to happen.” Brittany replies by thanking her for the free birth control. 

Finally, we head to Indiana, where Jade makes the understatement of the century, telling us that “sometimes me and Sean disagree.”

UM!?!?!??!

She also tells us that Sean isn’t thrilled being a “stay at home dad” to Kloweyi. After all, earlier this season he expressed his deep desire to “do music.” (Jade apparently forked over some of her MTV money to buy Sean a keyboard and some “music” equipment so he would at least have something to do all day other than scream at poor Clloui and play video games.

Poor Kloui wanders out to see what Jade is doing, only to find Jade is talking crap on her to her friend Chau. 

“She’s been a little monster!” Jade is telling her pal. Kloieeee, bored, just starts jamming things in her butt (as you do), which gets another verbal lashing by Jade. 

“I should not be digging Cheerios out of your buttcrack!” Jade screams.

(Weren’t Briana and “Shirley” just digging crap out of Jade’s buttcrack like an episode or two ago?) 

Jade scoots Clouuui (with her butt still full of cereal) into bed, then talks to Chau about her plans to open a big salon…and dump the kid in daycare full time. She says Sean doesn’t like watching their daughter and it’s “annoying for him.”

UMMMM..?

Jade says she’s letting Sean “pursue his dreams”…which apparently don’t include his “annoying” daughter.

Basically the whole episode is just Jade and Sean talking mad crap on poor Kluuui. Jade tells Sean the kid is draining her, and she can’t even call on her crackhead mom Christy & Co. to babysit, since they’re not speaking to each other right now. (We all know Christy will be back, just as soon as she gets kicked out of whatever roach motel she’s currently taken up residence in.) 

Jade starts complaining about having to film for the show, and Sean reminds her that she signed them up for this trainwreck.

“You don’t have a problem cashin’ those checks!” Jade snaps.

They scream back and forth for a while. (At this point, I think their screaming is kind of like a sound machine for Klowe-i. She probably can’t sleep without hearing the sounds of a restraining order threat coming from the living room.)

Jade is still new to the show, but she’s picked up the “Portwood” way to do things really fast. She tells the crew to put the cameras down because she’s “like, DONE!” 

Ahhh…it’s nice to see the next generation of ‘Teen Mom’ tantrum-throwers, ain’t it?!

That’s it for this episode! To read more of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)