It’s time once again to dive into the pool of trainwrecky and check in with our galpals from Teen Mom OG! As per usual, they’re complaining about everything and doing nothing!

We’ve got plenty to cover this week. Kids will turn pure savage, babies will prepare to shoot out of (no longer underage) wombs and…most exciting of all… Maci makes a smoothie!

Let’s get right to it!

We kick things off in Indiana, where Gary‘s veggie garden may be growing, but Amber‘s relationship with Leah is definitely not.

Gary— who, honestly, is still the true hero of this garbage disposal of a show— calls up Amber and wishes her a good morning. Amber corrects him, stating that it’s actually afternoon.

“Oh, you’re awake?” he deadpans. “Yay!”

(Ambie doesn’t even correct him. We all know she’s still snuggled under her down comforter cuddling up with her Einstein dolls at that very moment.) 

Gary invites Amber over for dinner later that week, and she accepts the invitation. (Hey, dinner with GarBear & Co. beats the Mama Celeste Pizza for One she was going to chow down on while watching her “stories.”)

Oh…and she’ll get to see Leah too…

Amber tells Producer David that she’ll go over to Gary’s, but Leah better not be “acting super super weird and staying like 50 feet away from me.”

To her credit, though, Amber does seem to be understanding a bit more as to why Leah is treating her like she has the Bubonic Plague.

“Damn…” she says sadly. “I missed some good years. I know that she feels the same way…”

[Narrator: “Leah did not, in fact, feel the same way.”]

“A pissed-off Mini Amber? I don’t want to deal with that!” Amber says.

Producer David says he doesn’t think Leah will say anything really mean…at least, not to Amber’s face. 

We check in with Cheyenne this week just moments after Zach’s surprise proposal at the baby hailstorm sprinkle and– surprise!– Cheyenne and her family couldn’t be more excited. 

Cheyenne says she’s “floating on air” and tells Zach his proposal couldn’t have been more perfect… unless he would’ve surprised her with that crib she wanted, too. 

Despite Cheyenne “floating on air,” she feels the need to let Zach know she never thought he’d break down and pop the question. Still, she tells him it’s “a beautiful thing we have,” and we’re 70 percent sure she was talking about her relationship and not her engagement ring.

Later on, Cheyenne– now 38 weeks pregnant– checks in with her doctor, who informs her that she can be induced within the next 10 days. We then learn that Zach didn’t read the baby books or ever tune in to watch one of the 9,834 episodes of ’Teen Mom OG’/its predecessor/spinoffs where a cast member has given birth. 

Cheyenne tells Zach she wants to do more research on labor induction, and she’s happy Ryder is going to be spending time with family so she can Google birthing videos to her heart’s content without scarring her daughter in the process. She says it will also be easier because keeping up with Ryder requires a lot of energy and her doctor has recommended she follow the Portwood Program: “basically sit down and don’t get up.”  

While Cheyenne plans to park it on the couch and channel her inner rill woman, Zach would rather they take the doctor’s suggestion to do the mattress mambo to get this whole baby birthing show on the road. However, Cheyenne seems about as thrilled at that idea as she’d be with a cubic zirconia ring. 

It’s not happening, folks.

Next, we head over to Tennessee to check in with Maci & Co. We start the scene off with tense music, so we know we are probably about to hear about one of Maci’s “tragedy” storylines. (So…basically, it will be her talking about The Great Gas Station Shootout, or her bitching about her PCOS.)

The Oopsie Babies are feeding on pizza and Maci announces that she’s gonna “pull a Portwood” and go lay down. Instead of going upstairs to rest, though, Maci just plops down on her couch and plays on her phone, sighing heavily every once in a while so everyone knows how tired and exhausted she is.

She tells us that pesky Gas Station Shootout has made it hard for her to sleep, and now she has “debilitating insomnia.” They literally just film Maci sitting on her bed as she complains about her lack of sleep and her PCOS.

(Oh shizz….she breaking out both of her storylines for one episode. What the hell will she film about next week if she blows her load all at once this week?) 

The next day, Producer Lorraine comes in and asks where Maci is. Taylor explains she has the “PCOS ache ‘n’ pain” and is still in bed. Producer Lorraine seems to think she walked into the wrong ‘Teen Mom’ house, because usually only Ambie is asleep at lunchtime. 

Producer Lorraine tries to hide that she’s upset that they won’t be filming, but she doesn’t do a very good job.

Taylor has to figure out how to pick up all three Oopsie Babies and take them to whatever wrestling/track/ostrich racing/rodeo/baseball/log-rolling practices they have that day, without Maci’s help. They just keep showing footage of Maci in bed because, I mean, they’re paying a crew to be there and all so they have to make do with what they can.

Later, Maci staggers down to the garage complaining that she’s light-headed and sore…but also wants to play ping pong. 

Taylor encourages Maci to go see a doctor, and to reach out to the PCOS people.

(OK…I’m not trying to undercut PCOS or the pains Maci has… but does anyone else think MTV is totally trolling Maci during this scene? I think someone in the editing room must have been suspecting that Maci’s “illness” was a hangover, because this is the song they chose to use during this scene.)

She then calls up the Ovary Ladies to talk about her newest symptoms. They tell Maci that she needs to focus on her “overall health issues” to find the root of what’s causing her the pains.

Hmm…what unhealthy activity could Maci be engaging in constantly that is hurting her overall health….

Maci admits that she basically eats crappier than Farrah‘s driveway Port-a-Potty (not to mention slugs down enough beers to satisfy a college baseball team.)

“I realize I’m not taking care of myself,” Maci says. 

Maci says she wants to change, so that she doesn’t find herself, in 10 years, about to turn 40 and still not doing anything.

I mean…that’s kind of the whole premise of this show, isn’t it?

Next, we head up to Michigan, where Catelynn and Tyler (and their kids) are feasting on pizza. (We can assume Cate’s is seven points, of course.) It’s once again time for their biological daughter Carly’s birthday.

OK…does anyone else feel like this kid has more birthdays than the average person? Like, how is it her birthday every five episodes? I think it’s just an excuse for them to get a cake at this point.

Anyway, Carly is turning 12, so that means Cate and Ty have to celebrate the birthday without Carly (but with plenty of cringe.) Usually, they get a cake and force their daughter Nova to sing “happy birthday” to Carly, even though she’s not there. (Nope…nothing confusing about that at all…)

We get to watch clips of some of the past Carly birthdays (and see the progression of Cate’s braces— from rubber bands to retainer.) We also see Carly’s 9th birthday, in which Cate, Ty and their family members came over and sang to Carly (all while Nova legit covered her ears), and everyone acted like Carly had passed away, instead of her just living in another state.

They sit down, eating cinnamon rolls larger than Nova’s head, and try to talk to her about Carly’s adoption. They encourage Nova to make something for Carly, and then do a video of her singing “Happy birthday.” 

Nova goes along with it, but then things start getting weird when Catelynn begins telling Nova that she was basically a clone of Carly sent to them by God so they wouldn’t feel so bad about giving Carly to BrandonNTeresa.

Um…

Next, Catelynn launches into the well-worn tale of how they had Carly and gave her to BrandonNTeresa so she could have a better life.

“I was a lot younger then,” Catelynn says.

“Oh man, that’s not cool!” Nova replies.

Well, I mean…unless you want to make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year when you’re almost 30 being on a show about teen parents….

Nova wants to know why God would give the curse of teen parenthood to them, and Cate and Ty explain that they “didn’t make very good choices” back then.

Nova then tries to comprehend the adoption, saying that because Cate and Ty had no “baby stuff” they gave “it” to “those people.” 

They begin to quiz Nova to find out if she wants to have babies when she grows up. (I see what you’re doing there, Cate…trying to secure that spin-off!) However, Nova says she’s not sure if she wants to have babies someday. 

Nova jokes that she will “be thinking about this the rest of my life.”

Tyler and Catelynn laugh at Replacement Carly’s statement, almost to say “Oh, kid, you have no clue how much you’re going to be thinking about it.”

We’ve always kind of joked that Ty and Cate had Nova as a way to “clone” Carly, but now that they’re actually telling her this, it’s just… weird.

Later, Catelynn and Tyler are lounging outside, talking about how “Nova” just “brings up” the adoption stuff.

Um…yeah, after you constantly talk about it on-camera with her…

They discuss how weird it is that Carly will be 13 next year, which is the same age they were when they met. (And, we can assume, when they say they “met,” they mean they started boning.)

Down in Florida, it’s almost time for Mackenzie’s little (literal) ankle biter, Bronchial, to graduate from pre-k, and she and Josh both appear to be in complete disbelief. 

Even though the girl youngin is still at risk of being retained in the second grade, Mackenzie decides Brontosaurus’ achievement is enough of a reason for them to throw a graduation party–- right in front of the girl youngin. As they’re praising Bronchitis for being the most improved kid in his class (i.e. is only sinking his teeth into 1-3 students a day now, yay!), Mackenzie and Josh remind little Ford Bronco how proud they are of him for not getting expelled before making it to at least kindergarten. 

I think that’s nice…

While hanging out among the graduation party décor, Mackenzie’s dad Brad calls and Bronzed is pumped to tell him the big graduation news. After getting off the phone, Mackenzie and Josh go back to celebrating their reformed garage-defecator. 

Later on, Josh and Mackenzie sit down to have a talk-– well, Mackenzie talks while Josh mostly mumbles and nods–- about whether the girl youngin should repeat second grade… because evidently, it’s up to them? 

Mackenzie says if they are going to “hold Jaxie back,” now is the time to do it, as it would be more difficult and embarrassing if they wait until middle school.  

Wait…MIDDLE SCHOOL!?

Mackenzie says she struggled in school.

I’ll give you all a moment to recover from your shock…

However, Mackenzie says she’s thankful that her parents didn’t make her repeat a grade, not even when she had an underaged uterus full of baby. Josh and Mackenzie ultimately decide to look into tutoring, allow the girl youngin to move on to third grade, and reassess at the end of the next school year. 

Back in California, Cheyenne doesn’t tell her family that being induced is an option because she’s hoping to go into labor naturally. To keep herself distracted and prevent any chance of accidentally revealing this information, Cheyenne casually mentions that baby Ace will have “a tag team partner,” prompting her sister, R You Ready For Another Baby Sprinkle, to tell Producer JC that she’s expecting, too.  

R Kelly goes on to tell anyone still paying attention the room that “things didn’t work out in D.C.” as she had planned, so she won’t be relocating to live with her baby daddy Mezie after all. Zach is overly excited to hear this news, because even though he isn’t a parent just yet, he still understands the value of free childcare. 

RU Gonna Kick Me OUt tells Cheyenne and Zach she’s planning to move out of their home and get her own place to live, but first she’s “just gonna be chill for a little bit.” 

(Watch your back, Amber… this girl is coming for your job!)

Later on, Cheyenne has yet to go into labor, so she begins to accept that she will likely have to be induced. Cheyenne says she’s worried about how Zach will handle the situation, but even more worried about how much Zach will annoy her during labor. 

Back in Tennessee, Maci is meeting with Ovary Lady Letisha to talk about what changes to her lifestyle she can make to improve her health.

Um…..I’ve got a big one….

Letisha humors Maci and doesn’t just blurt out “Jesus God Leah, stop guzzling beer!” as soon as she sits down. Instead, they go over Maci’s diet. Maci says she drinks a Coke for breakfast, and has Chick-fil-A or creepy tuna pack for lunch. (She doesn’t mention dinner but we can assume it’s six or so Bud Lights and whatever food droppings she gets off Taylor’s beard during their evening lovings…)

Maci tells Ovary Lady Letisha that she’s also afraid to go to sleep due to The Great Gas Station Shootout. They decide Maci should soak herself in a hot bath and drink tea. 

We then are treated to watching Maci try to make a smoothie.

This is seriously what this show has come to.

I never thought I’d say it, but, damn, we need some Farrah up in here! What I wouldn’t give to watch Farrah throw frozen peas at her dad, or make Debz OG scoop Starburst the Horse’s poop while Debz is wearing pleather pants. Sigh…

Maci finishes making her smoothie. She drinks it. It’s riveting content.

Later, Maci and Taylor go out to eat and, as Maci slops down a ginormous taco salad, she praises herself for “being healthy” for a week. She says Bentley is even interested in what she’s doing. (Um…yeah, probably because he wants to know if Maci going on a health kick is gonna result in him being placed back on his 1200 calorie diet!) 

We are then treated to a sex joke, courtesy of Maci.

“This salad is the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth…no offense,” she tells Taylor.

Ew.

“That’s up for debate,” he replies.

Also, ew.

Back in Indiana, it’s the day of Amber’s special dinner with the Shirleys. Amber arrives at Gary’s farm, and utters the phrase she’s been saying for literally years at the beginning of every segment: “I haven’t seen Leah in a while…”

We see LeahBooBoo preparing to see Mommy Dearest and she does not look excited. Amber arrives– wearing head-to-toe Purdue threads, natch. Inside, LeahBooBoo looks like she’d rather be literally anywhere than a house with Amber in it. Like, I seriously think she’d volunteer to clean up toxic waste with Matt Baier if it could get her out of this dinner.

Leah literally just ignores Ambie as she strides in, but finally musters a forced “Hi.”

Gary offers Ambie a choice of processed meat sandwiches as she sits awkwardly down at the table next to Kristina. And, Kristina, bless her damn heart, is just about as sweet and kind to Amber as ever— despite the fact that just months earlier Amber was screaming about her whore-ness on The Instagram.

Amber, not the sharpest tool in the shed, then proceeds to tell Kristina— the woman raising her daughter— how wonderful it is living alone. She brags that she now is just “chillin'” and doing schoolwork and enjoying her peace.

Also…this was legit LeahBooBoo’s face as Amber rattled on about how happy she is that her kids don’t live with her.

Kristina is just sitting there, being an angel and small-talking with Amber. (Well, to be fair, she’s just sitting there listen to Amber brag about how she’s getting A’s and B’s at Purdue.) 

And, just when you thought Gary was the most secretly savage member of the Shirley family, LeahBooBoo is like “hold my juice box.”

Leah suddenly produces a DVD of a movie. She tells her family…and Amber… that they should watch this movie. Her tone of voice— oh her tone of voice!—is sing-song, so we know she knows exactly what she’s doing.

Amber looks suspicious that LeahBooBoo is suddenly talking to her and so adamant about the stupid movie. Kristina seems to know what’s going down and looks scared. 

Amber asks LeahBooBoo what movie it is and LeahBooBoo comes back with all the attitude and sass of a young Amber Portwood. 

“A movie,” she sneers.

Amber is clearly trying not to lose it on Leah (on-camera). She doesn’t play into LeahBooBoo’s attitude-filled response, instead asking, “What’s it about?”

And Leah volleys the sass right on back telling her mother, “Stuff.”

Someone light a candle for this child!

To be fair, Leah said she didn’t want to see her mother…so what does Gary do? Invite Leah’s mother over… and film it. I don’t blame the kid for having this attitude!

But LeahBooBoo is not done…no, sir. She then proceeds to tell Ambie all about the plot of the movie in question. Apparently, the film is about a girl whose mom is hit by a car and the mom turns into a demon.

I see where you’re going with this Leah…

“Then the mom was trying to take the girl from her dad,” Leah adds.

Amber totally gets it.

“Good story,” she manages to mumble.

Amber suddenly comes down with a bad case of the bruised ego tireds, and tells the Shirleys that she’s not going to be able to stay for the rest of the processed meat meal. 

She thanks Gary and Kristina for inviting her over.

Amber has Gar-Bear wrap up some deli slices to go and basically sprints out of the farmhouse, all while LeahBooBoo has this sinister look on her face. She seems proud of herself to have sabotaged her parents’ scheme to make her be friends with Ambie again.

In her car, Amber bitches (to herself? To her Einstein dolls?) that she drove 40-something minutes to spend 10 minutes in Gary’s kitchen, chowing down on Oscar Meyer and getting totally faced by her daughter.

The next day, Kristina is doing homework. (She’s in college but you wouldn’t know it because she doesn’t wear attire with her school name on it 24/7, though.) Gary comes in and they chat about the cringe-o-polooza dinner with Amber. Gary says he thinks it went well.

Um…yeah, I mean, if you’re comparing that dinner to say, a nuclear waste leak or, like, World War II, then, yes, the dinner went well. 

However, Amber does not believe that the dinner “went well.” Producer David comes in to find Amber firmly planted on her trusty couch, saying that she’s tired because she had to leave her couch yesterday to get sassed the hell out by Leah. But she says she didn’t want to show her frustration.

Amber admits she got a little angry that Leah was speaking to her disrespectfully. Shockingly, though, Amber actually acknowledges some of the things she did wrong over the last year that could have brought her and Leah’s relationship to the sour point it is now.

Amber reflects back to her not attending Leah’s birthday party, and admits that was a mistake and where the troubles began. 

Amber vows to keep showing up for Leah, regardless with what Leah says about it.

Finally, we check in with Catelynn one last time. She tells us that she received a text from Teresa after she sent the video of Nova singing “Happy Birthday” to Carly. Teresa has apparently gotten over her anger over Cate and Ty continuing to yap about Carly on the show, despite them asking them not to. She’s actually inviting them to hang out with them (and Carly) for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend.

This will be the first time they’ve seen Carly in two years. Naturally, the meeting will take place at a park (because…it’s ‘Teen Mom,’ where the hell else would these people hang out?) They pack their bags (which we can assume includes materials to start making a scrapbook for Carly exactly 10 minutes before they’re due to meet up.)

Catelynn’s grandma, as well as April (with her new short-n-sassy haircut!) are going to be there for the Carly meeting as well. Granny is nervous that she might say the wrong thing. April, however, is cool as a cucumber.

Tyler admits that he’s nervous about not being able to keep his big trap shut and saying something that will piss off The Whitebreads.

We will have to wait until the next episode to see the Cate, Ty and their band of misfits meet up with BrandonNTeresa and Carly!

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom OG!’ To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)