Oh hey there! Welcome back to Teen Mom OG! It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley recapped one of these MTV-funded clown fiestas, so put on your Dad Bod t-shirt, have a seat in your Lazy Boy recliner and let’s get right to it!

We kick things off in Indiana with Amber. Our favorite “rill woman” is still reeling from the events at Gary‘s Happy Family Farm from a few weeks ago. As you may remember, Ambie fled the house (with deli meat slices in-hand) after LeahBooBoo savagely (yet subtlety) let her know that she is not welcome at the Farm.

With LeahBooBoo not talking to Amber, and no mail-order man visiting from Europe at the moment, Producer David is really struggling to come up with a storyline for Amber. (I mean, why not just hand her machete and an Instagram full of hateful comments and see where the night takes ya, Davey?)

Instead, Producer David asks Amber what the major stressors are in her life. Amber obviously mentions her strained relationship with LeahBooBoo; however, Amber insists that LeahBooBoo has a “disorientated kind of feeling” of what they are.

Um…not really, Ambie. Leah made it quite clear how she “fills” about you, your past hijinks, your current hijinks and the fact that she doesn’t want to be around you. But go on with your bad self…

Amber suggests that she’d like to see LeahBooBoo corralled into therapy with her; however, that dern Gary won’t allow it!

She also suggests that Gary himself get his therapy on, but says he has always refused.

Meanwhile, over at the farm, Gary is maxin’ and relaxin’ in his trusty Lazy Boy recliner. Gary talks to Kristina about how he has no clue what to do about Leah and Amber’s situation. He is unsure if he should force Leah to hang out with Mommy Dearest. He worries he will do damage to Leah if he does (and, you know, if he doesn’t, a random TV may fly through the window at his head…)

Gary says that he is seeking the help of a parenting counselor to get some insight on what the hell he should do.

Next, we head over to Michigan, where Catelynn, Tyler and their mess of girl spawn are finally heading to visit the Golden Child, Carly, and her parents BrandonNTeresa. Catelynn is trying to herd Carly Clone 1 and Carly Clone 2 out of the house, but it’s hard because she’s pregnant with Carly Clone 3 and is tired of everyone’s crap.

Cate reminds us (via montage) that The Whitebreads are no longer cool with MTV cameras being all up in their grills, so they aren’t allowed to film while visiting Carly. She says she’s now focused on getting Carly to have a relationship with the Clones. 

They pile the gifts they’ve brought for Carly into the car. (Thankfully, no one tried to make a last-minute scrapbook this time around. We know BrandonNTeresa were not happy that Cate and Ty were hours late for their last visit because they had to glitter-glue Butch‘s mugshots into the family tree or whatever.)

They drive to a park (because…’Teen Mom’) and meet the whole gang— Cate’s grandma, April, Kim and, of course, Adoption Counselor Dawn have arrived as well. They spot Carly, and all of a sudden Carly’s name appears on the screen in big letters, with heavenly music playing behind it.

Seriously, why does everyone act like this kid is dead?! This is just creepy.

Next we head to California. Before planning for the ‘Teen Mom OG’ royal wedding can begin, Cheyenne must pop out the Spawn of Zach, which she is expected to do in less than a week. Zach couldn’t be more pumped about his and Cheyenne’s new addition, while Cheyenne’s demeanor currently matches her monotoned voice. 

After getting home from her doctor’s appointment, Cheyenne starts having contractions, which give her mom and sister a good laugh as they reminisce about how angry Cheyenne became when going into labor with Ryder. Cheyenne is not amused, nor should she be. 

Cheyenne tells the room she has a foot stabbing her into her organs– a situation which her mom decides to step in and fix… except her idea of fixing things is talking to Cheyenne’s pregnant belly and telling baby Ace how much his grandma can’t wait to meet him. 

Cheyenne looks moments away from either passing out or pulling an Amber and enacting the “I’M DONE!” rule. Fortunately, (well, kind of?) her contractions pick up and they decide it might be time for her to head to the hospital. 

Later on, we see Cheyenne not in a hospital bed, but rather resting in her own bed at home, Amber-style. Zach tells Chey’s mom “it’s just not close enough to where she can go in.” While they’re all sitting around killing time, Cory ends up calling Zach– from ‘The Challenge’ house, natch– to check in and make his obligatory appearance on this episode. (I mean…gotta get that paycheck somehow, eh, Cor?) 

During the call, Cheyenne’s sister tells Cory that Ryder has been talking about how much she misses her dad. Eventually, Ryder runs in the room, grabs the phone, and sits it in her dollhouse so she can “play” with her dad and make him feel guilty for leaving her just to lose ‘The Challenge,’ once again. 

When we check back in with Cheyenne, her contractions have stopped so she’s going to the hospital to get induced as she had planned. Cheyenne says she’s nervous about pushing out a future fellow party planner, though everyone else in her family are completely unbothered, laughing and having the time of their lives– especially her stepdad, Terry.

Next we check in with Maci, where we find producers once again throwing shade with their music selection. This week, with a song that kicks off with the lyrics, “I was always a wreck.” 

I think that’s nice…

Speaking of wrecks, we see Maci inside, slicing and dicing fruit with the Oopsie Babies, while her Bud Light sits idly in the fridge wondering how long this health kick of hers is going to last. 

While Maci deals with her PCOS, PTSD, any other acronyms we may have missed along the way, she leans heavily on her leather-pocket T-shirt making husband Taylor to lighten the load and run Bentley and the Oopsie Babies all over town to their assorted activities. After checking everything off his to-do list, Taylor finds some time to play a round of golf with his friend, which he claims he “needed.” 

Back at the McKinney house, Taylor proudly tells Maci “I won golf,” as if he’s expecting her to magically pull out a victory pint from beneath her TTM t-shirt. Taylor goes on to tell Maci that he and his golfing buddy Raj talked about “how stressful life is.” Maci suggests Taylor talk to her therapist, Dr. Carol, because Maci clearly isn’t interested in letting Taylor bend her permanently-gauged ear. 

Later on, Taylor video chats with Dr. Carol about how helpless he feels because he’s unable to deal with help Maci. 

Dr. Carol tells Taylor no one can undo what happened to Maci regarding the whole gas station shooting, but what Taylor CAN do, is “show up”– preferably to drop-off/pick-up their gang of kids from all 83 of the extracurriculars they’re involved in. 

After the session, Maci asks Taylor how his talk with Dr. Carol went, and is weirdly annoyed to learn that she was the main topic of their conversation. She then tells Taylor it isn’t helpful to her when he says he feels hopeless about not being able to help. 

Ummm…someone get this girl a beer, STAT.

When we check in with Mackenzie this week, we see blood being drawn– surprisingly NOT due to one of her kids biting someone. Instead, Mackenzie, a type 1 diabetic, is checking her blood sugar while telling viewers she can’t keep her numbers under control. 

According to Mackenzie, when her blood sugar is high, she’s “irrational” and it makes things harder for her family. She says stress also plays a big part in her health, so she decides it’s time to rally Josh and the kids and break out a chore chart. Gannonball and the girl spawn are instructed to clean their rooms, while Ford Bronco is in charge of watering the flowers (and hopefully not peeing in them). 

The kids aren’t enthused by their mom’s sudden burst of parenting, so Mackenzie turns to Josh for backup. 

Josh begrudgingly starts handing out chores to the kids, but is soon interrupted by Mackenzie, who accuses him of not taking part in the activity with enough enthusiasm.

Um…Josh hasn’t had enthusiasm since we met him 30 years ago. What’s new?

According to Mack, Josh is “so kind” when the cameras aren’t rolling, but he turns it off when it’s show time. Sure, Jan Mack. 

Mackenzie says Josh’s on-screen behavior is embarrassing and she’s “so tired of people thinking” that’s how he acts in real life. Josh, who rarely speaks audible words, let alone full sentences, snaps back and tells Mack she should be more embarrassed about allowing her kids to talk back to her on camera.

Mackenzie storms off, calls Josh a dick, and slams the bedroom door. She then tells her producer to “get him out”– not just out of the house, but out of the WHOLE. DAMN. STATE. 

Later on, Mackenzie simmers down and says she shouldn’t have exploded on Josh. 

(Umm, we beg to differ…. That was the most excitement we’ve seen in one of her segments all season!) 

Mackenzie calls the ever-reliable Cayla to talk about her mood swings and to bring her storyline back to her “messed up blood sugars.” 

Mackenzie says the whole situation is becoming dangerous to her health. Cayla suggests Mackenzie take ownership of her behavior when she starts acting “psycho” and to remind Josh and the kids that it’s something she’s dealing with at the moment, which Cayla believes will help Mack’s family understand things better. Mack agrees, but notes that she doesn’t even know who she is when she gets to that point. As for Cayla, she’s probably going to be someone who changes her phone number soon. 

Later on, Mackenzie, Josh and the kids assume their position in the front yard, where Mackenzie apologizes for flipping out the other day. Josh admits (with some coaxing) that he’s just not comfortable in front of the cameras– a fact Mackenzie glazes over before talking about her blood sugar again. 

Mackenzie says she just has to “dill” with her diabetes and “learn how to behave” when her blood sugar is high. Fingers crossed that she’ll set an example and her funny-named children will learn how to behave, too. 

Back in Michigan, Cate and Ty are home from the park visit with Carly. Obviously, we don’t get to see footage of their visit with Queen Carly, but Catelynn tells us it went “well.” 

Tyler talks about how great of a babysitter Carly was for the Clones. They talk about her hair and how she was dressed.

“She looked like a little doll,” he said.

Tyler and April discuss how “adult-ish” Carly speaks, and how Tyler uses way more slang words than Carly does.

(I mean, honestly, if Carly doesn’t say “ain’t gonna” every other sentence, she’s light years ahead of this crew linguistically.)

Later, the whole crew meets up with Carly and The Whitebreads for dinner. At the end of the dinner, as they are walking to their cars, the music they are playing in the background is JUST RIDICULOUS. Seriously, it sounds like a track from the “Schindler’s List” soundtrack! I get that it’s hard to say goodbye but come the hell on with this song!

(It turns out the song is called “Two Young Fools in Love” which is kinda troll-y of MTV to put into this scene.)

Everyone is crying as they drive back home.

Back in Indiana, the parenting coach has arrived to help Gary figure out what the hell to do with the Leah and Amber situation. Gary tells Parenting Coach Elizabeth that LeahBooBoo basically wants no part of Amber, due to the decade or so that Amber “called in sick” for being a mom to Leah so that she could pickle-tickle whatever rando she was engaged to at the time. 

Gary says he wants to encourage a LeahBooBoo/Ambie Dearest relationship, but it’s not that easy.

“Amber wants the relationship, Leah don’t,” he says.

Parenting Coach Elizabeth says that Leah needs to feel that the people around her respect the fact that she wants to give Amber the ol’ heave-ho, and that it’s OK to feel like that. Gary basically disregards that, explaining that he asked Leah to give Amber another chance to play Mother.

Thankfully, this woman ain’t playing into the “Poor Ambie” BS that everyone on this show does (except for LeahBooBoo, of course.)

“You might be overlooking the trauma Leah has gone through,” she explains.

YEESSSS! From the moment Leah was born (and Amber was screaming obscenities at Gary), this kid has been dealing with crap from her mother. From sleeping in the crib full of Amber’s trash…to having her mother get high and then go to “gel”…then finally getting her mom back, only to find out that Ambie would rather spend time with some knuckle-dragger than her. Um yeah: TRAUMA…and not the kind that giving her a Purdue sweatsuit can fix.

The parenting coach suggests the whole ding-dang lot of ’em get counseling. Gary says he’ll take Amber up on her offer of going to Amber’s psychiatrist with her.

“Maybe you’ll determine that Amber’s never going to be in a position to accept Leah’s hurt,” she adds.

Later, Gary talks with Kristina about the fact that maybe LeahBooBoo just doesn’t want a camera in her face every single time the word “Amber” is mentioned. 

“Her whole life has been on-camera, so maybe she likes to have some privacy?” Gary suggests.

UMMM!?!?!?

Gary says he plans to tell Amber that he consulted a parenting coach to get help with the giant craphole Amber’s created in their family. 

Gary reminds Kristina that, if something happens to them, Leah will only have Amber.

To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom OG’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)