It’s time to dive into yet another season of Sister Wives. Over the years, we’ve watched Kody Brown and his assortment of wives rave about polygamy, all hyping up the fact that all of the women take turns boning a frizzy-haired moron with big (but usually bad) ideas and an even bigger ego.

Over the past few seasons, though, the Sister Wives– Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn— have cried, fought and flash-mobbed their way to realizing that sharing a dimwitted cretin for a husband sucks worse than a track home without a wet bar!

That brings us to Season 16. When we last left Kody & Co., everyone was miserable, and trying to move out onto that damn Coyote Pass property. (Honestly, guys, someone keep an eye on Meri. If she happens to be holding lighter fluid and a match at the same time, someone call the authorities. I feel like nothing would give Meri more pleasure than torching Coyote Pass and Kody’s polygamist village dreams.)

Anyway, let’s get this s**t show on the road before one of the Sister Wives writes that tell-all we all know (and hope) is coming! After that happens no one will give a crap about this Hefty bag of a show.

We get a flashback of last season, when Kody verbally bitch-slapped Meri and told her to stop making “snotty little s**tty” comments to her sister wives because it breaks their hearts. (And, of course, by “their” he means Robyn… because we all know Janelle and Christine don’t give a flying feces what Meri’s grumbling under her breath.) 

Meri accuses Kody of “picking and choosing” which of his cornucopia of wives and spawn he wants to “keep” and which ones he wants to offer up as a feast to the vermin on Coyote Pass.

That brings us back to the Sister Wives and Kody all sitting around Coyote Pass, with Christine crying after realizing the none of these people are going to budge and move back to Utah like she wants. She’s literally just sobbing as everyone stares at her. Finally Meri mercifully pulls her aside to comfort her.

Meanwhile, Kody’s bitching about how “emotional” Christine is about being stuck in an Arizona hellhole with him for the rest of her life. Go figure. (To be clear, if I had to be stuck in an elevator with Kody for more than a minute, I’d probably choose to self-cannibalize. Just sayin’.)

Meri says she can relate to Christine’s marriage misery, given that, you know, Kody hasn’t put his creepy mitts on her since Obama was in office. He, of course, reminds us that he lost all interest in pickle-tickling Meri back when she was trying to get herself diddled by the Catfish.

(There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type!) 

Meri’s really trying to convince Christine to stay. I can assume that’s because she knows if Christine bolts, she’ll have to stay with Kody so that there’s still people to film for the show? 

Christine returns to the misery huddle, where Janelle is kind enough to patronize Christine, telling her that she’ll still pretend there’s a chance they’ll go to Utah…even though everyone basically just told her it ain’t happening, Sis.

Kody can’t even be bothered to pretend that he cares what Christine wants. He steamrolls right over her, announcing that they need to get their plots picked out so they can get Coyote Pass completed and they can all move into Kody’s Polygamist Dream Village. 

Christine says she won’t make an drastic decisions about her future…yet.

Christine says that she is unhappy in her marriage (shocker), and that she never expected she’d get to a point where the only time she and Kody touch hands (or any other body part) is when they both accidentally grab the can of hairspray at the same time.

“It’s sad,” she says. “My marriage to Kody is sad.” 

We pick up two weeks later, where Kody is visiting the Sister Wives to try to convince them to stop thinking for themselves and just go along with his Coyote Pass dreams. (Personally, I’d rather clean the hair out of Kody’s shower drain with my teeth than move out into the middle of nowhere with this clown and his troupe of miserable women, but that’s just me.) 

His first stop is Janelle’s house. This should be an easy sell, as long as he doesn’t require her to participate in any type of flashmob situation.

These two have about as much chemistry as peanut butter and mustard. They small-talk about spinach or whatever and it’s so platonic that it’s sad. At least Christine and Meri have a chance at a hate f**k Kody every once in a while. Janelle and Kody’s relationship seems like a contracted business arrangement. (Is anyone else shocked that these two had sex at least six times to make their kids?) 

Janelle tells Kody she likes living in Arizona but advises Kody to at least pretend to care that Christine’s opinion matters. Janelle says that, basically, if the Sister Wives want to move away, she’s fine with it but she wants their land.

Janelle insists that she won’t go to Utah, even if Kody and the other Sister Wives want to move. 

Kody rolls his eyes and tells us that, even though Janelle is threatening to leave him if they move to Utah, this isn’t the first time a wife has been so miserable that she wanted to leave Kody. 

“She’s bluffing, completely!” Kody says. “It’s not a new thing to be threatened to be left!” 

Kody says he moved the family to Arizona for himself, and that he wanted everyone out of Vegas. 

Hmmm…

Kody may think that Janelle’s bluffing about leaving him, but he knows Christine ain’t playing around. She wants to move to Utah.

Kody then drops a bombshell on Janelle: he says he wants to move to Utah, too.

“I’ve never lost that desire,” Kody insists. “But I’m not moving the family because of where I want to live.”

Um…didn’t you legit just say that you moved the family to Arizona because that’s where you wanted to live?! Those words literally just flew out of your chapped lips, bro!

Kody insists that this whole mess is the fault of his wives (naturally).

“It’s two princesses giving ultimatums!” he declares.

A few days later, Kody and the Sister Wives gather at Christine’s house to talk about their plans. Christine vows to pretend to love Arizona, Kody and Meri’s Lularoe shirt (which she would like you to know comes in sizes Small-XXL and is made of buttery soft fabric!) 

They talk about how COVID-19 has changed the family dynamic. Kody says that no one was down with his idea for them to all move into one big house and ride out the pandemic together. (Locked in a home for an unknown amount of time with Kody, his ego, a blubbering Robyn, a crap-ton of kids and a sulking Meri, Janelle and Christine? Oh hellllll no. That’s the stuff literal nightmares are made of!) 

Kody also talks about how they didn’t want to pass cooties between Sister Wives, so only Kody was allowed to visit each home. Of course, he refused to visit Janelle’s home because his older sons were still seeing their friends. Oh…and he didn’t visit Christine’s home or Meri’s home because he doesn’t like them so…Basically, Kody claimed “COVID” and got a pass to live at Robyn’s house and not have to hear the other Sister Wives bitch about it. 

Janelle says that she’s not down to spend the holiday season locked in her house, sending yuletide greetings to Kody (via Zoom) while he plays doting father and husband to Robyn and her kids. She says she’ll high-tail it to North Carolina to spend Christmas with Maddie instead.

Kody then complains that his older sons, Gabriel and Garrison, are mad that Kody wants them to stay at home. Naturally, he blames Janelle for their son’s blaming him for his COVID rules.

Janelle calls it like it is: basically all of the Sister Wives have to adhere to Kody’s strict rules (which, by the way, favor him) or they aren’t “allowed” to spend Christmas with anyone else in the family. 

Robyn tells us that even her relationship with Kody is struggling at this point. The only one who feels like it’s “business as usual” is Meri, who is usually knee-deep in multi-colored leggings to even notice that she hasn’t seen her husband in months.

Kody has a solution to all of these problems. He utters the two little words that he feels will solve all their problems: Coyote Pass.

He says that if they “reconfigure” how the property is split up, everyone’s hopes and dreams of moving out there will finally come true.

Really? At this point, I say you let Meri torch the place, collect the insurance money and let everyone go their separate ways, before you all end up on an episode of “20/20” on an episode called: “Coyote Pass: Murders in the Canyon.”

The next day, Kody goes to talk to Robyn to see if she’s down for another round of “Musical Houses.” 

“I’m not trying to be pushy…” Kody begins.

Robyn’s pissed because Kody is actually taking what Christine wants to heart, instead of just blowing her off and going with what Robyn wants, as per usual. 

“This is not going away,” Robyn says, clearly in shock that anything Christine wants actually matters.

Robyn tells us she’s tired of being on Kody’s transient gypsy train of misery, and she just wants to keep her stuff out of a U-Haul for a year or two. She says she’s tired of moving to keep up with Kody & the Sister Wives’ whims.

She’s got a point, though. They may as well become carnies at this point.

Robyn says she was treated like a trash heap for years because she was a polygamist in Utah, and she’s not too keen to go back to that life. 

I mean…isn’t it bad enough she has to sleep with Kody? 

Robyn says she won’t have her kids their kids sacrificed to the polygamist haters all because Christine wants to change locations.

“You guys are OK moving all the time, constantly, I guess,” Robyn says. 

Kody says that he’ll tell Christine that she can’t move to Utah because the Sister Wives voted against her. Robyn calls Kody out, telling him that it’s not fair to make the Sister Wives the bad guys and maybe he should just buck up and tell Christine the truth and take some responsibility. 

The next day the entire Brown clan heads back out to that damn Coyote Pass property. They’re meeting with Mike, a surveyor, who will look at the property. Christine is gnawing on a stick to keep from mouthing off during the meeting.

Kody introduces Mike to all of the Sister Wives, and Meri’s downright shocked that Kody called her his “wife.” (I guess she’s used to him just sneering at her general direction and grunting?) 

Kody announces that, instead of dividing up Coyote Pass four ways (one lot for each Sister Wife), he now wants to split it into five lots– so that he, too, can have his own house on the property.

He looks quite pleased with himself as he makes this announcement.

Naturally, Kody failed to mention his plan to have his own home to his wives. Everyone’s surprised, but Kody sees it differently.

“If you’re all going to have your own house, why shouldn’t I have my own house?” he says.

UMMMMM!?

All of the Sister Wives think Kody’s idea to have a home of his own is ridiculous and a waste of money. Of course, none of them speak up and tell Kody this, though.

Meanwhile, everyone’s more worried about the nasty ass pond. Janelle is scared that they won’t have “access” to this muddy cesspool if it gets put on one of the other Sister Wives’ property. 

Meri realizes how gross the pond is, so she doesn’t care what happens to it. (As long as an underwear-wearing Kody is frequently lurking in it like the Loch Ness Monster…) 

Kody says he will take the lot that contains the pond, so that he has complete control of it everyone has access to it.

Christine finds out that Kody has basically plucked the lot she was supposed to get and given it to Janelle. She is less-than-thrilled to find out that, not only is she basically being forced to move out into Kody’s Polygamist Village ‘o’ Misery, but now she’s not going to be in the location she had been promised in said village.

“I’m trying really hard to be an adult,” Christine tells us.

Good…now teach Kody how to do that, too….

They all start walking around each lot, and Kody tells us that he made a mistake allowing his wives to think they have a say, because now it’s “anarchy” in the family.

UMMM…that’s how it’s supposed to be, you empty-headed caveman. No one person should be governing over the rest of the family.

The wives are asking Mike the Surveyor questions about the lots and no one is listening to Kody! He’s getting mad because no one is doing what he says and following him and listening to him yammer on.

Finally, he decides that it’s better to treat your wives—- grown ass women, mind you— like dogs. He whistles at them and screams “HEY!”

This man-germ REALLY just whistled at his wives. Even Mike the Surveyor looks scared (and sooo grateful he’s going home to a Digornio Pizza for One and the football game instead of a polygamist family!) 

Christine is furious. 

“What the hell!?!” she screams. “Did you really just WHISTLE at us?!” 

After that, Meri’s just basically trolling Kody. She makes fun of everything he says, and is honestly more likeable than ever before. 

Kody, however, is not amused. 

Christine tells us she does not want to move onto Coyote Pass, but she’s accepted her fate and knows she has to.

Or does she…?

“I have to talk myself into staying constantly now, instead of just walking away,” she tells us.

Kody then launches into a speech about how no one can tell him what to do with the pond if the pond is on his property. However he tells the Sister Wives that, “what you do with your lot effects everyone else in the family.” 

I CAN’T…

That’s all for this episode of ‘Sister Wives!’

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(Photos: TLC)