Grab your husband by his curls and wipe your tears at least enough to read your computer screen because it’s time for another episode of Sister Wives! 

In case you’ve missed the last few episodes, allow The Ashley to sum up the happenings of Kody & Co. for you: everybody is miserable.

Effing miserable.

Kody is miserable because he has put his foot down and demanded his disciples  family blindly follow whatever rules Robyn he wants them to, but nobody is listening, and nobody cares if he doesn’t come around them and it’s NO FAIR!

Janelle is miserable because this is the first time in her adult life she’s not working to support like 100 people, and she’s just now having the time to realize what a prick she’s “married” to.

Christine’s miserable because she already knows Kody’s a prick, and she’s tired of him, his ego, his tantrums and him treating her like she’s spraying a firehose full of COVID at Kody any time she goes near him.

Meri’s miserable because no one has gotten into her pants leggings since Obama was in office and she needs some lovin’, dammit! At this point, even Kody is looking good.

Oh, and the kids are miserable, too.

Anyway, now that we’re all caught up, on with the show! 

This week’s episode picks up where we last saw the Frown Brown family: fresh off of Janelle’s “f**k off” heard ’round the world. One of Kody’s wives finally told him what we’ve all been screaming at our TV screens for years!

Meri is feeling guilty about “joking” the week before that Robyn had made up the COVID family rules and not Kody. (She’s probably worried that she will be shunned by Kody and his wives. Oh wait…that’s already happening.)

Meri and Robyn head out to a dusty old table on the retched Coyote Pass property to discuss what happened. Naturally, because the picnic table is probably riddled with COVID (or something), Robyn brings her own chairs. Shockingly, she allows Meri to touch one of the chairs. (Surely, Kody is waiting ’round the corner with a bucket of Lysol to splash on the chair after Meri is done using it.) 

Meri keeps cracking little jokes about germs and Robyn is not amused. (But, hey, at least she’s not crying so there’s that…)

During their chat, Robyn apologizes for not “getting” Meri’s quarantine joke the previous week. (Apparently shacking up in a house with Kody for nine months straight zaps all of the fun and humor out of you.) Meri, who really thinks of herself as quite the hoot, apparently, is surprised that Robyn doesn’t get her sense of humor. Meri then tells Robyn that she has her back…unlike those other COVID-y Sister Wives.

Robyn goes on to talk about the family’s strict COVID protocols, admitting that some of the kids in the family have called her and begged her to relax the rules. Robyn insists that she’s not the Almighty Pandemic Rule Dictator and that’s actually Kody. 

Sure, Jan…

Meri then calls Robyn out for withholding the one thing that brings her joy— Robyn’s kids. She insists that she’s just been lurking among the trees for the better part of a year, not going near anyone (especially not Kody) and, unless you can catch The Big C from a box of leggings, she is safe. 

Meri says it’s “BS” that she’s still not allowed near Robyn or her kids, despite the fact that they’re both following The Rules of Kody. 

Naturally, Robyn takes no accountability for Meri being shunned and insists that it’s all that dern Kody’s fault! 

Sure Robyn. And your eyeshadow is blended too. There, now we’re both liars! 

She insists that the only reason she hasn’t been around Meri is that she doesn’t want Christine and Janelle to get mad and burn down her mansion or something when they see that some family members are allowed to hang out and others aren’t. 

“There’s going to be MUTINY!” Robyn insists.

Meri and Robyn talk about their fellow sister wives and how they’ve been bending, or outright ignoring, Kody’s rules in order to visit with one another. Meri insists that it’s no fair that the people “following the rules don’t get rewarded for it!” 

In a confessional, Christine admits that her and Janelle blew off Kody’s rules for the sake of their sanity. She also said that her kids needed to be around Janelle’s kids desperately. 

Meri tells Robyn that she’s just tired of being alone, up in her deserted house by herself, pining for Kody’s affection. (Honestly, at this point, I’m betting poor Mer has set up a whole bunch of Mariah‘s old stuffed animals and is busy ordering them to tag buttery soft baseball shirts and whatnot, just so she has something to talk to.) 

Meri says she’s been jealous of her fellow sister wives at times for having something other than inanimate objects to converse with, and even though her and Kody’s relationship is in the crapper, she still believes she deserves to be treated better by the family. 

Christine tells us that she’s shocked that Meri wasn’t allowed near Queen Robyn’s castle. She reiterates that Meri is totally alone…she doesn’t see anyone…she has no one. 

Robyn makes it clear that’s she not thrilled to be stuck with Kody at her house every night, despite what the other Sister Wives think. 

Like clockwork, Robyn turns the conversation to herself and begins crying, claiming she’s the “Brown family scapegoat.” 

“My mom calls me the Brown Family Scapegoat,” Robyn says to Meri, who actually groans when she hears it because Meri knows that, in reality, she’s actually the Brown Family Scapegoat. 

Poor, unblended eyeshadowed Robyn tells the camera in a confessional later what her mother told her. 

“I called my mom and she just kind of chuckled and she said, ‘Robyn, all they do is blame you for stuff. You’re just their scapegoat; you’re the Brown Family Scapegoat.’”

Meri— who has been shunned by Kody for years— implied that she wouldn’t mind being the family scapegoat, if it meant she was considered a family member.

“Hey, at least you’re part of the Brown Family!” Meri tells Robyn. 

Oh, and what a prize that is, guys…

Meri adds that she’s struggling with the concept of having sister wives but not really having a husband. 

Robyn and Meri continue to try to turn the conversation so that it’s about them. Finally, Robyn realizes she’s dealing with the GOAT of making things about her– Meri— and agrees to talk about Meri and Kody’s sad sack of a relationship.

Meri reminds Robyn that Kody has informed her that the two of them are better off as friends…who don’t see or really talk to each other except when TLC cameras are rolling or Kody runs out of hair mousse. 

Robyn tells Meri “that’s a door opened,” suggesting that Kody will one day have a change of heart. 

Meri explains how hard it is that Kody doesn’t want anything to do with her, given that she still loves him. Meri vows to keep telling Kody how great he is and how much she wants him, and hope that, eventually, he’ll be down so many wives that she’ll start to look good to him again. 

Or something…I don’t know what the hell is going on here but it’s sadder than Kody’s attempts at a man-ponytail. 

Anyway, Meri says she also longs for the days where the Sister Wives lived their lives together, and didn’t just “do their own thing.” 

The next scene takes place at Christine’s house, where Janelle has come over to talk about her telling Kody to “f**k off.” 

“I was being treated like a child,” Janelle says of Kody’s Thanksgiving demands. “It was offensive and I walked away.”

Janelle and Christine say that it’s great to have Sister Wives that you can talk crap on your husband with.

Christine tells us that, unlike herself (and all of the ‘Sister Wives’ viewers), Janelle enjoys spending time with Kody. Having him shun her has been devastating to Janelle, Christine says. 

Christine also says that, having Kody grace her and THEIR kids with his presence a few hours a week isn’t worth being shut-ins or wearing hazmat suits or do whatever Robyn Kody deems ‘responsible and necessary’ that week.

Christine then tells us what her life with Kody was really like before her shunning. She says he’d come over once every three or so days for dinner. After snarfing his free meal, Christine says Kody would play with Truely (whenever he wasn’t on his phone). He’d scurry off right after breakfast and be gone for another three or so days. Christine says that’s the sad situation she’s dealt with since they moved to Flagstaff.

Christine says that her oldest daughter Aspyn cried when she found out that Kody wouldn’t allow her to come home for Christmas because she couldn’t follow all of the rules because she’s, you know, an adult who works. Christine says that’s why she’s going to Aspyn’s for Thanksgiving.

Janelle says that the option of having Thanksgiving with Meri, Robyn, Kody and Robyn’s kids ain’t much of a treat, and she’d much rather spend time with her own kids. 

Next, Janelle and Christine talk about the ridiculous circus of rules Robyn has put her kids through, locking them up and cutting them off from everything and everyone in their lives. 

Robyn explains to us that her kids respect their dad (unlike those heathen offspring belonging to Janelle and Christine), and that her kids chose to follow the rules (because basically the only other option she gave them was to be homeless?)

Robyn insists that her kids wanted to give up their social lives, and that it was their choice and not hers. 

Nope…definitely not hers. Not at all…

Later, Meri is thrilled because– after months of begging— Queen Robyn and King Kody have finally allowed her to come to their castle and see their kids. Robyn tells us that, because Meri had to go to the DMV, she had to quarantine for 10 days afterward so she wouldn’t spew DMV COVID germs all over their home. 

Robyn explains that her kids haven’t touched anyone–outside of her family– for months. Being able to hug Meri is a “really big deal” for the kids, Robyn explains.

Meri arrives and Aurora’s like, “Why is Meri here?” You can see all the kids tense up as they realize they may get a rush of COVID germs if they dare to open the door. 

When they realize they’re allowed to touch Meri, the kids all bolt out of the house like they’re in Shawshank and they’re running for their freedom. Aurora can’t believe it when Robyn tells her that Meri can come in the house.

Aurora’s crying, and Solomon is literally squealing in delight. It’s sweet but also really sad that these kids have been holed up and void of any human touch other than from Kody’s poorly self-tanned hand and Robyn’s soggy mitt. It’s honestly just cruel that Kody and Robyn deprived both the kids and Meri of being together when they all obviously enjoy each other so much. 

Aurora later tells us how she and her siblings have passed the long months that they’ve been trapped inside the house. She says they even got so desperate that they yanked out the ol’ VHS tapes and watched Robyn’s dance videos where she used to breakdance. 

Seriously, this is borderline child abuse to subject these kids to their horrorfest.

We are then “treated” to watching a clip of Robyn’s breakdancing video. We see a behatted Robyn (who is wearing some sort of polo and purple pants combo), getting down with her bad self– trying to hypnotize the cameraman with her sexy time eyes; shaking her purple-panted rump roast for the camera and, finally, getting on the floor and pelvic thrusting. (I’m fairly certain this is the video Robyn sent Kody to get him to court her.) 

Also— what is going on with that outfit?! The Ashley remembers 1998 very well but she does not remember people dressing this way. 

Say what you want about Meri, but Robyn’s kids really love her. Ariella is literally squealing in delight and clinging to Meri, and Meri is radiantly happy during the whole scene. (Of course, she was not forced to watch Robyn’s breakdancing video, so that’s probably why.) Meri tells us that she’s just happy to be around humans again and not get shunned for once. 

A few days later, Robyn decides to get her kids together to inform them that the Sister Wives don’t care about them anymore. Aurora— who really is her mother’s daughter— is already blubbering before Robyn even tells whatever warped version of events she’s planning to spew.

Robyn tells us she’s hurt and frustrated that those darn evil Sister Wives– Janelle “F**k Off” Brown and Christine “COVID-Sprayer” Brown—are going to Utah for Thanksgiving instead of staying in Flagstaff where they can be guilt-tripped, yelled at and talked down to by Kody. 

Robyn tells her kids that Kody put together a list of rules each household has to follow in order for the family to get together for the holidays, and Janelle and her clan is “not able to” follow those rules. Aurora gets snappy, asking, “They’re not able to or they’re choosing not to?” 

Robyn says she’s worried that her kids will start hating on Janelle, Christine & Co. because “they don’t care to be around us.” 

Way to keep things unbiased, Robyn! 

After telling the kids that their Sister Moms and Sister um…Sisters? and Brothers don’t give two craps about them, Robyn tells us that moms can’t go visit their adult kids if they’re in a plural family because “Where is Kody supposed to go!?”

Robyn says that people in plural families can’t just be doing whatever they want and whatever makes them happy. You know what happens when that happens?

MUTINY!!!

The kids are happy to hear that Meri will be coming to Thanksgiving, though.

Aurora is crying, feeling rejected by Christine and Janelle. She can’t believe they’d want to be with their own kids for the holiday, rather than watch Kody and Robyn play “happy family,” get treated like COVID-covered lepers and possibly be forced to watch more VHS tapes of Robyn’s “So You Think You Can Dance?” life period. 

Go figure.

The next day is Thanksgiving, and Kody announces that Meri is coming over. Actually, he says “Meri is coming over to Robyn’s house to have Thanksgiving with Robyn and our kids.” 

Our kids.

OUR KIDS. But, you know, the offspring he shares with Janelle and Christine are ‘THEIR” kids. 

Meri explains that, typically, she does the turkey for Thanksgiving because she does it well. This year, though, Robyn wants to make the turkey. (Obviously she’s going to want to bake it in anti-bacterial hand soap.) They mention that Janelle usually does the pies and Christine does the rolls, but they will not be here to do them this year.

Meri agrees to let Robyn do the turkey, but she still does her own version of a turkey. She wraps it up in tin foil and tells Robyn that she hopes she’s not mad that she did a turkey, too. You can almost see the horror and anger flash across Robyn’s eyes as she thinks Meri overstepped her place.

Robyn is just about the banish Meri back to her belltower when Meri reveals it’s a joke! Meri has created a Rice Krispies Treat turkey, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief (except The Ashley. I was kind of hoping Robyn would go for Meri’s jugular over the Great Turkey Caper and they would wrestle on the Thanksgiving table for Kody’s love and the job of family turkey stuffer.) 

Kody is actually delighted by Meri’s gag. It’s the first time he looks happy about something Meri did or said in years. Robyn seems less-than-thrilled by the joke, though.

“She’s teasing me…it’s cute,” she says curtly. 

Kody comments how quiet this Thanksgiving is, with just eight people, instead of the massive Thanksgivings the family has had in the past. 

He then tells us that he’s fine having Meri there, since their relationship is not exactly “strained.” 

“We just don’t have a full marriage,” he says. (So…they don’t bang…or hang out…or talk unless Robyn makes him. Basically, she’s like the kids’ spinster aunt.) 

He says he wants a “amicable relationship” with Meri, but, “it’s no more than that. It’s not a marriage.”

Meanwhile in Utah, Christine and her family are at Aspyn’s house for Thanksgiving. Christine says she has no regrets for choosing to be with her kids for Thanksgiving, as being around people who actually treat her well, and aren’t uptight stressballs is a relief. 

Janelle is also having a happy, Kody-free Thanksgiving at her sister’s house in Utah. She says she didn’t even think to call Kody and his army of anti-bacterial soldiers because she was having so much fun without them.

Christine says that she did video-chat with the family at Robyn’s house. (Robyn probably had to Lysol the phone afterward, in case Christine sprayed her Utah COVID through it somehow.) 

Meri then busts out her signature passive-aggressiveness for the holiday season.

“I really feel sad that Janelle and Christine didn’t find it important enough to spend Thanksgiving with this part of the family,” she says.

Meri is relish[tray]ing in Kody’s praise of her and the others for being “easy” to follow the COVID rules. Kody says this pandemic has made him aware of who is “loyal” to him and who is not.

“It’s as much respect as it is loyalty, I suppose,” he adds.

“How you love a man is to respect him,” Kody insists. 

So…um…poor Meri’s been living up on the mountain alone, watching you interact with your real family (Robyn’s) as she idles away locked away like the Hunchback, with her only reward being entrance into Robyn’s lair and a pie-less, roll-less Thanksgiving dinner? Where’s the respect for her, Kody?!

Janelle mentions the fact that Kody has been treating her and her family like trashbags for a long time. She points out that, in a marriage, the respect should go both ways, and not just be given to one red-faced, foot-stomping man-child who yells and pouts if he isn’t blindly followed.

She makes it clear that her choice to not eat her turkey at Robyn’s had nothing to do with the people there; instead, it was her declaration that she would never be able to keep up with Kody’s ever-changing demands.

“We will never be compliant enough for their rules,” she insists.

Kody says he enjoyed how easy and quiet the festivities were, only having his followers in attendance; however, he insists he is not sure he’s ready to ditch his non-compliant wives.

“You want an easy life, be a monogamist,” he says. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Sister Wives!’ To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recap, click here!

(Photos: TLC)