It’s taken us a long time to get here, and we’ve sat through a whole list of horrors— from Gary making spit-or-swallow jokes (shiver), to inflated body parts getting injured on inflatable slides, and the entire the complete terrorfest that was the return of Farrah— but Teen Mom Family Reunion is finally winding down. (This comes not a moment too soon, of course, because you know Amber is suffering from major withdrawals after not sitting on her own couch for so long.)

Slather some sunblock on your paws and stuff your Dr. Miami-enhanced silicon sweater stretchers into your best Fashion Nova sports bra, as we nose dive into Week 251 of this San Diego vacation.

This week’s episode picks up with Leah and her non-bacon-slappin’ boyfriend Jaylan discussing their relationship over breakfast.. as actual paying guests of this resort sit within earshot, regretting their decision to forgo reservations at the Hyatt.  

While talking about their long-distance relationship, Jaylan says he wants to move to West Virginia to be closer to Leah and Leah appears mildly excited, being that Jaylan is “cool and caring” and likes her dog.

He also seems to be OK with the idea of going to the holler and hanging with the girlseseses, Leah’s assorted baby daddi (which The Ashley has decided is the plural form of ‘baby daddy’), and Mama Dawn. Anyone who can remain calm while Mama Dawn chases them around the yard with her disposable camera to get a “pitcher” of her daughter’s new boo must be decent.

Jaylan and Leah (who are wearing matching white T’s for this scene, natch) decide they’re pretty much meant to be because they like each other’s families. (Judging by Leah’s social media content, they also enjoy taking over-the top-staged photos together, but we’ll save that discussion for another time.)

Later that night, the moms and dads are doing their own thing around the resort when Amber emerges from her room wearing a purple unicorn onesie that she ordinarily saves for special occasions between her and the La-Z-Boy.

Amber announces that “she’s” planned a sleepover for the moms and proceeds to go full-Oprah with the unicorn getups. (You get a onesie! You get a onesie!) While Amber is handing out the “gifts,” Jade reminds the moms that they need to wake Briana up so she can participate in the festivities, too. Despite the lights being off in Briana’s room, the girls knock repeatedly on her door and yell at her to wake up, assuring her “it’s not production” trying to mic her up and make her talk about her baby daddy issues again. 

As the knocking/shouting persists, Ashley tells the other moms Briana “hasn’t been vibing” with them and has been choosing to stay in her room.

Ashley suggests that maybe Bri has better things to do than play Red Rover in unicorn onesies (or whatever God-awful activities Ambie has planned). Ashley says that, perhaps, Briana is putting her Dr. Miami-redesigned vagine to good use.

Briana eventually wakes up and opens her door, a decision she likely regrets after a giant purple onesie is tossed in her face. 

Bri tells us that this will be her first sleepover, so apparently Roxie wasn’t keen on letting her girls have overnights when they were younger? (She likes to keep her kids within arm’s reach. How else would she swat their enemies with her pumps, after all?) 

The moms make their way to the slumber party room and within seconds of their arrival, they begin spraying silly string all over the place. (Some poor–both literally and figuratively— production assistant will be forced to clean that crap up after these girls pass out from too much flavored vodka and Cheetos.) 

Maci says she didn’t get to have a lot of slumber parties because, you know, there was the Spawn ‘o’ Ryan being expelled from her teenaged crotch and whatnot.

She also says that she didn’t have a chance to be crazy and party and stuff. (I suppose that was some other red-headed ‘Teen Mom’ star I saw beer bonging and shaking her rump in pictures on TMZ every year during Spring Break?) 

And, before anyone says that I’m picking on Maci for having fun: I could give two craps if Maci wants to shake her bazoongas up and down the Florida coast. Enjoy. I’m just not sure it’s accurate to say Maci never had a chance to goof off and party because she was a teen mom. 

MOVING ON…

They also begin sticking fake mustaches on their faces, dancing and twerking. 

MTV really missed an opportunity here. Screw all that itsyoursexlife crap. Just tell the kiddies that, if they let a boy do the ol’ smash-n-dash on them, they’ll get pregnant and never have a chance to twerk in a unicorn outfit while wearing a fake mustache. Now that will really prevent teen pregnancy! 

Amber decides to get up and shake her couch-grazer, as her tongue flaps wildly around her face.

Jesus God Leah, this episode should come with a warning label. This will live in my nightmares forever.

Cheyenne and Maci explain that their next group exercise will involve a “burn box” where all of the moms will write down something they want to leave behind at this resort before lighting that mess on fire. 

I hope no one writes “Farrah” on their paper. With that much filler and silicone inside her, she’s probably flammable enough to burn down the entire city!

Maci says that they are all changed people because they’ve all “done a lot of work here.”

They end things with a pillow fight. Amber makes sure to let us know that she threw the pillows the hardest. (She was in gel, in case you haven’t heard?) 

Later, Maci sits down with Coach B to talk about some changes she can make after the reunion to keep her sane as she deals with the challenges of motherhood and a husband that chews too loudly. Coach B senses other issues going on with Maci, who admits that her younger self comes out at times, preventing her from being Maci the 30-year-old.

Coach B talks about some of the trauma Maci dealt with as a teen mom that got knocked up by a scrub like Ryan Edwards and how that side of Maci needs to be released. 

Maci vows to prioritize differently when she gets home and bring some awareness back with her….or something. I don’t know…

The next– and final!– day at the resort, the moms begin writing their respective burn box messages and Gary takes a moment to talk to Amber about the comment she made to other moms regarding her not being a good mom. Gary acknowledges the mistakes Amber has made in the past, though he tells her he knows she is owning up to those mistakes and trying to make things better.

He also mentions “Amber’s situation with her mental health” noting that it will never go away– not unlike this franchise– but Amber can “maintain it.” 

Gary tells Amber not to give up on mending her relationship with Leah and Amber thinks eventually it will happen. Still, Amber says she doesn’t like Gary being in the middle of the situation. After their conversation, Amber says the reunion has helped her relationship with Gary get stronger.

That night, the moms get dressed up for a farewell dinner. (Not one pair of spandex bike shorts, toilet paper head wrap or unicorn onesie in sight– we can hardly believe it.) After sitting down at their table, the moms notice an extra place setting, which they speculate/fear is for Farrah. (Everyone looks around nervously to see if there’s a Porta Potty nearby that the Backdoor Teen Mom could suddenly pop out of.) 

The other girls convince Ashley to try calamari for the first time.

Before the mystery guest is revealed, Jade asks the OG moms for their take on the reunion experience. Amber reminds the group that she and Maci “have been doing this for 13 years” and, like everyone who has been watching this trash heap for more than a decade, they “never thought it would go this far.” 

The moms talk about how close they’ve grown during the reunion– despite the rocky start courtesy of Jade, Ashley and Briana. Amber seems amazed how quickly those girls got over their issues and moved on— and no one even needed a court date or ankle monitor or anything!

#RillProgress

They also make a pact to do this all again, much to the delight of MTV and the two dozen people who watched this season. 

The moms go on to mention how much Catelynn was missed on this trip. She was unable to come due to her popping out another Carly Clone just a week before filming began. Right on cue, Cate rolls up to the reunion in a van to surprise the moms for the final 12 or so hours they have left at the resort. 

Cate talks briefly about her newborn and then demands that the moms fill her in on all the drama that went down during Farrah’s brief visit. The moms talk about Cheyenne’s table flip heard ’round the resort and how ignorant Farrah is/will always be.

That night, the moms– gather around a bonfire (while still wearing their cocktail dresses for some reason).

Ashley is unable to attend the festivities, as she’s busy retching up calamari, cocktails and what’s left of her dignity after appearing on this spin-off.

Bar declares that he doesn’t think Ashley is going to survive The Revenge of the Octopus.

They are finally going to light this stupid burn box they’ve been hyping up this whole freaking episode. Before doing so, however, the moms coddle Amber for doubting herself as a mother, and Briana finally pronounces Devoin’s name right. 

We then see the moms FINALLY take out the damn burn box and place the card they each wrote inside of it. Maci says she wants to burn her unhealthy relationship with Bud Light emotions; Cheyenne wants to let go of mom guilt; Jade wants to burn self-doubt because she says sometimes she doesn’t feel good enough to be in the presence of some of the other ‘Teen Mom’ stars.

Um…? She is aware of who is on this show, right? The bar is pretty low.

Leah wants to let go of fear, doubt, and being guarded; Briana wants to leave behind the pressure of being a “supermom”; Amber wants to stay “out of her bubble” and work on the relationships with her friends and family; and Cate wants to let go of her “mom anxiety.” 

Yawn. I was kind of hoping someone wrote that–SURPRISE!— they slept with someone else’s baby daddy behind the resort dumpsters or something. 

The box makes it way back to Maci’s hands and she does the honors of chucking it into the bonfire, thus concluding the world’s longest and most drawn out reunion in history.  

That’s all for this season! Despite how bad the ratings were for this manure heap, MTV is actually going to be doing another season so stay tuned. (Maybe MTV showing constant reruns of Ridiculousness isn’t so bad after all…)

To read The Ashley’s other ’Teen Mom Family Reunion’ recaps, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)