Farrah Abraham managed to snag an appearance on Howie Mandel‘s podcast, Howie Mandel Does Stuff, last week– her first real interview since spending almost a month in a trauma center/rehab center. Last week, Farrah posted photos of her and her daughter Sophia hanging out with Howie, and many were surprised to see the former Teen Mom OG star land the rather mainstream interview with the America’s Got Talent star.

In the hour-long interview– which was videotaped and recently put on YouTube, Farrah discussed a ton of topics— everything from the current state of her relationship with her mother Debra Danielsen; to why she went to rehab; to her plans to become a senator…and a lawyer…and a stand-up comedian. She also revealed that she recently put a guy in jail for trying to stab her with a gardening tool.

No…seriously.

Farrah’s interview was filled of Farrah’s signature word salad and “Farrah Speak” run-on random sentences. Howie is obviously not familiar with “Farrah Speak,’ as he exclaimed several times throughout the interview, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about!” as Farrah would randomly move from topic to topic and just say  “word salad” quotes.

 Since  The Ashley is a certified “Farrah Speak” translator, she has decided to break down Farrah’s interview with Howie (and his co-host/daughter Jackelyn Shultz) into readable bites. At one point, Farrah’s 13-year-old daughter Sophia joins the interview to talk about what it’s like having the Backdoor Teen Mom as your mom.

Here are the most-interesting things Farrah revealed during the podcast…

On her relationship with her mom, Debra “Debz OG” Danielsen:

As The Ashley has previously reported, Farrah and her mother have not spoken for nearly a year. Farrah told Howie that, She said that, while her relationship with her father Michael is great, she is still not in contact with Debz. She claims that her mom keeps calling Child Protective Services (CPS) on her. (In an interview with The Ashley, Debra did say recently that she’s worried about Sophia.) 

“I actually don’t talk to my mom. Ironically, she called CPS on me while I was in the trauma center,” Farrah said. ” I don’t know… mom and my stepdad cununder up some craziness. But for now, my mom is in my heart, always will be, but it’s not a good thing.

Farrah says that Deb claimed that Farrah attacked her.

“[My mom says] I attacked my mother on the yacht on my birthday [last year],” Farrah said.

On whether or not she will adopt a kid:

Over the years, Farrah has threatened stated that she wants to adopt a child. She was asked about that in the interview. Farrah says she’d like to adopt a kid, but before she can do that, she needs that dang Debz OG to stop calling Child Protective Services on her.

“I would like for the CPS calls from my parent to stop,” Farrah said. “I would like other people’s [calls to CPS to stop]…”

Farrah said that if she did manage to adopt a kid, she would have to keep the adoption quiet.

I think I would just have to keep that, like, secretive just so my child that I do adopt could just really live their best life and not be targeted.”

On whether or not she hit the club security guard on the night of her January arrest:

Naturally, Farrah claims the restaurant/club she was at the night she got arrested for allegedly hitting a security guard “lied about” her actions. Farrah says she didn’t hit anyone because she can’t risk her empire (of failed businesses and alleged poop peddling?) to slug someone.

“I stopped touching people in high school,” Farrah said proudly. “I’ve learned that I got more to lose than probably anyone else…I do not touch people.”

Farrah said that, while she was laying face down in the dirt screaming while being restrained by the club security guard, “I was overwhelmed. I was dealing with so much PTSD and trauma at that time. I freaked out. But I did post it on my social media because I was in another altercation like this, where I was set up and they said I touched people or whatever. So, I just said like, ‘I don’t know why people keep acting like this.’”

 On why she went to the rehab center:

Farrah said her nearly month-long stay at the Makena Path Treatment Center has taught her how to chuckle at things that were once traumatizing…or something.

“I just finished 28 days of trauma therapy, but with the 12 steps…now I can laugh at trauma…I want to do stand-up comedy when I was so fearful of people. The trauma center really helped me overcome step points,” she said.

She then explained why she went to the treatment center.

“[I went because] in this past year I’ve been attacked like four times and they were horrific— from a sexual assault to some guy randomly handcuffing me to myself.”

“I had to go to jail, and being on sets for work and being attacked again,” Farrah said, most-likely referring to her experience on Teen Mom Family Reunion last summer. “That’s probably why I’m a little bit done with reality TV. I don’t like being attacked anymore.

“Work recommended this trauma center and a lot of talented people do go there and I was like, ‘Yes, I really need that. I’m not even going to fight it.’”

“I don’t even know if I’m scared anymore of being attacked because I’ve got the 12 steps!” Farrah said. “Twelve step that!”

On stand-up comedy:

“I had a comic bring me to something secretive, unannounced, just to see what the crowd would do,” Farrah said, declining to name who the comic was. “I did [comedy] for five minutes, and he wanted to see the reaction and basically, he recorded it and he saw it was women standing up cheering me on and men laughing. So, I was like, ‘Even if I fail at comedy, I could be really good at TED Talks!’ So, either way I’m going for it!”

Later, Farrah said that, when she’s nyuckin’ it up on-stage, she’ll be discussing her life as a single parent, as well as her sexuality and trauma.

On becoming a lawyer & being too famous to attend law school:

Farrah has been stating in recent months that she plans to become a lawyer…per law!

“I’m also going to legal school!” Farrah said. “JD, baby!”

Howie seems to be trying his best to keep himself from looking terrified, but he continues, asking Farrah if she’ll be a lawyer once she completes, um…” legal school.”

“Well, I think I’d be like a VP of a network or something like that!” Farrah said. “Most of them have JDs in law.”

Later in the interview, Farrah confirms that she’s currently attending legal school law school; however, she didn’t want to name the school she’s going to.

Because she’s so famous, though, Farrah is unable to attend classes in person and has to do legal school online.

“There are politics for going to school for me,” she said.

On selling her poop:

As The Ashley has previously reported, X-rated videos and photos of Farrah allegedly having a lil’ “poop play” have circulated the Interwebs for a while now, with one particular video—allegedly from her OnlyFans— going viral. That video showed Farrah explaining to a customer how she neatly packaged her feces in order for her to send it to the customer.

Farrah has since stated that it was all a “joke,” and she discussed it with Howie. (She did not, however, explain the graphic videos— which allegedly show Farrah, um…” expelling” the fecal matter on-camera.)

“Were you not selling your poop, though?” Howie asks. “Never sold one jar of poop?”

“I was not,” Farrah replied. “I had people offer me $5,000 for stinky poop that comes out of me. I don’t even think that could go in the mail.”

Howie’s daughter wasn’t buying Farrah’s “joke” explanation. She even brought up the fact that there is a video of Farrah talking about the, um, manufacturing of the “special jars.”

“Look how good my comedy was!” Farrah offers. “People believed that and they ran with it. They’re like, ‘I wanna bathe in it!’ That’s not real.”

Howie’s daughter still says she thought it was real, which makes Farrah strangely proud.

“Thank you. I’m doing my job so well!” Farrah says, glowing. (The Ashley is not sure if she’s glowing due to the “compliment” or if the wax that is her face is starting to melt under the studio lights, though…)

Farrah said she was inspired by “90 Day Fiance” star Stephanie Matto, who was selling her farts online for big bucks.

“But then I had these little tiny jars, and I was like, ‘Maybe I should put poop in it?’ And I asked about it and it really blew up. But I’ve never gotten the chance to do that. I don’t think I would do that. I think it’s a comedic, funny thing to talk about.”

Farrah says that, after the hubbub for the crap-hocking happened, her “team” said they should “make some fun with this” and decided to sell poop slime on her website.

“My daughter loved poop slime and she still makes slime,” Farrah said. “So, I was like, OK, poop slime. Bathe in that. It’s much safer and does not smell.”

Howie—who is beginning to look like he wishes he had done this interview via Zoom—doesn’t seem to believe this crap (pun very much intended), and keeps asking if the poop slime contains her own poop etc.

“I swear to you I had no idea that was a joke,” he said.

“I’m pretty good at what I do, thank you!” Farrah says before she literally starts clapping for herself, as all three of the interviewers just stare at her with bizarre looks on their faces.

On running for government office:

Farrah seems to think the best way to recover from the trauma of being assaulted is to run for government office.

“I actually empower other victims of assaults to actually run for like office positions,” Farrah said. “So that way we can improve, I don’t know, consent culture, and laws, and just bettering our lives. Be a mayor! Be a governor!”

Howie seems bewildered and frankly, confused, that Farrah believes it’s so easy to become the governor.

“I think once I get my public affairs and law degree done, I feel like I will totally be ready to help support so many people, and be hated by people for helping our economy,” Farrah said. “I think I just want that degree for people and their sanity.”

(And, no…that last line makes no sense. It’s not just you being dumb.)

Farrah said that she might run in California, or Texas…or somewhere else.

“But I think that’s why I am being very serious about my schooling, so I’m credible,” Farrah said.

When Howie asked Farrah, specifically, what she wanted to do or accomplish by going into politics, she bulged out her eyes and seemed stumped. She obviously has no actual political goals, so she started spewing her typical nonsensical statements.

“I mean, sky’s the limit!” she said. “I love economics…I’m not going to do my political stand. I’m not going to do my campaign on a podcast. But when I am fortunate to be in a position that I can help others, I would definitely probably be like, over a district.

“I don’t know if I would ever do governor,” she adds. “I like congress.”

On being president:

Farrah assured us, though, that she will not be the country’s first Backdoor Teen Mom President, though.

(The people of the United States are surely all breathing a collective sigh of relief.)

“I don’t know why but there’s just such a hateful connotation about being president anymore,” she said. “I would like to say positive president. But I also think being in the senate, being in congress, they are voting a lot for a lot of things that affect us.”

This is seriously an actual quote by future president/governor/lawyer Farrah Abraham. 

“I often see that congress and the senate are affecting, like, the president. So, I just feel like, there’s so many seats there! Why not take a seat?”

On her money situation:

Howie asked Farrah if she is “set for life.”

“I feel like I’m OK internally now and I’m OK financially for sure, so I am really in a blessed place at 30,” she said, adding that her parents don’t give her money.

“No, I’ve helped my parents out financially for over eight years, and my grandparents and everyone else,” she said.

Farrah added that she doesn’t give her parents money anymore.

“I no longer do that with my healthy boundaries,” she said. “I think that’s maybe why some people have gotten mad at me in my family, but I have to.”

Farrah claimed that, even though Deb is married to an infectious disease doctor, she was still taking money from her.

“Yes, or guilting me for [money] and I think that’s a big lesson in life,” Farrah said. “If you are going to be that anchor for everyone and when you need to start taking better care of yourself and moving forward, others really need to respect that, and I don’t think I was getting that in my family dynamic.  

About almost getting stabbed by a man with a gardening tool:

(No, you didn’t misread that one…)

Farrah says that the trauma from her alleged assault has caused “other bad things” to be attracted to her.

“I was walking down the street in Beverly Hills in confusion, and some guy was gonna stab me with a shrubber shredder!” she said. “And he’s in jail right now.”

Howie seems confused that Farrah can just casually drop that she was almost murdered via gardening shears. But he doesn’t really have time to get more details on her brush with death.

“That’s why I went to the trauma center, to figure out what it was that [is drawing this negativity to me],” Farrah said, before revealing the secret to life…of Farrah.

“When you are stuck at a point, like your foot stuck in a hole, and you’re fearful of one thing, your fear will keep attracting to you,” Farrah said, later adding, “That I think is why other men were attacking me this year.”

As for the Shrubber Shredder Stabber, Farrah said she thinks he was homeless.

“And he probably stole that from, like, a gardener,” Farrah offered.

Sophia, on what it’s like to have Farrah as a mom: 

“No, not really,” Sophia said when she was asked if all of the hate Farrah gets bothers her. “I just ignore it.”

Sophia confirmed she is still doing online school.

“I used to go to a private and public school when I was younger. I just didn’t like the fact that I had to wake up early every day.”

“I didn’t like the fact that my daughter was getting her hair cut, getting scratched, being bullied,” Farrah said.

“Yeah, sometimes I was [bullied]. Public school was a lot of bullying there, but private school was more chill,” Sophia said.

“The principal called me in to single you out about wearing makeup among your dance friends who all wore makeup,” Farrah said. “So, I had to tell the principal to stop wearing makeup [herself] to set a better example. It was like a really bad situation.”

During several 2016 episodes of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ Farrah revealed that Sophia—who was then only six years old— was having difficulties at school because the other girls were “jealous of her.” The school’s administrators also told Farrah that her allowing the little girl to attend classes with a full face of makeup on was causing her to be bullied. Farrah reacted by pulling Sophia out of school.

You can watch the full, bizarre interview below! 

RELATED STORY: Farrah Abraham Announces She’s Pursuing a Career in Stand-Up Comedy; Says ‘AGT’ Judge Howie Mandel is Helping Her Write Material

(Photos: MTV; YouTube: Instagram; Brian Ach/Getty Images)