Note from The Ashley: Yes, this recap is late…much like Leah’s period will likely soon be. The Ashley is working on catching up on her recapping. Until she’s finally caught up, though, enjoy this recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’

The Ashley is aware that she has yet to post a Teen Mom 2 recap from this season. While she would literally rather listen to Farrah Abraham sing showtunes than watch the 280th season of this crapfest, The Ashley has decided to break her recap hiatus and suffer through an episode for you guys.

It appears that, since The Ashley last saw our favorite not-so-underage breeders, not much has really changed. It’s basically business as usual in DumpsterFireVille, with Leah trying to keep her sass-mouthin’ girlseses from ruining things with her new boo, Jade doing everything for everyone around her and Kail having conflict with one of her friends/exes/baby daddies.

First, we go on down to Ye Olde Holler, where Leah has just returned from Costa Rica. Naturally, she invited her new boo, Jaylan to go down to visit her sister Victoria‘s vacation-booty-call-turned-baby-daddy Royer. Despite the last minute plans, Jaylan dropped everything so he could get a lil’ international hammock pickle tickle with Leah.

Royer (whom MTV is calling “Roger” now, apparently?) finally got to meet his son, over a year after the kid shot down Victoria’s white water rapid of a birth canal. (Oh, and she became engaged again because…well, that’s just what these Messer gals do every three or four years or so.)

Anyway, Leah tells us that having all the beach sex and hammock humps helped her to “get to know” Jaylan better. In fact, on a date night Jaylan asked Leah to be his girlfriend, so they’re “official” now.

Unfortunately Jaylan (and his trouser snake) had to fly back home to Georgia, so Leah goes home to see the girlseseseses. Jaylan’s sent her flowers to welcome her back. 

Later, Leah has her friend Nicole over to talk about Jaylan. (Who the hell’s Nicole? What happened to Kayla with the asymmetrical Kate Gosselin hairdo? Or Cousin Chasity?! WHERE THE HELL IS CHASITY?!! I’m not digging all these new ‘polished’ pals of Leah’s. The next ‘friend’ shown better have a self-pierced eyebrow or a “Live, Love, Hunt” cut-off T-shirt or I’m protesting!) 

Anyway, Leah explains to Nicole that inviting a dude she has only gone on a few dates with to an international vacation with her family was a great way to get to know him.

Leah and her friend are really, really impressed that Jaylan bought a handful of candles at the Dollar General and brought them on the trip to make a candlelit dinner. 

“I think this dude’s the devil!” Leah exclaims. 

“He’s so perfect!” Nicole replies.

Wow, it sure doesn’t take much to please these holler girls…

Leah says that she is nervous for Jaylan to meet the girlseseseses, because they’ll latch on to him like Addie to a sugar packet. Currently, Jaylan is coming up to The WV every week, making the eight-hour drive to see Leah.

Leah calls up Jaylan, and as they’re chatting, she mentions that she loves his hat. 

“I love you too,” Jaylan replies.

UM….!??!!!

Leah says again that she loves his hat. But then she decides to go for it and just tell him she loves him too. They’ve actually managed to make what was the most-awkward phone conversation already (just because they’re both awkward as all holy hell) even MORE awkward.

Next, we head to Delaware where Kail— who has recently crawled back to this cesspool of a reality show— welcomes Producer Brendan to her home. She explains that she stopped filming for three months because her commitments to the show didn’t align with what she is learning in therapy…or something.

Oh, and because the producer bastards hired Baby Daddy No. 3 Chris behind her back and it was no fair. 

Kail then recaps how things are going with all three Baby Dadiii (which The Ashley has decided is the plural form of “baby daddy,” by the way.) 

In news that is shocking to absolutely no one, Kail isn’t getting along with any of her baby daddii. She does not speak to Jo, because he still treats her like the girl who “should be in a cave” rather than the new-and-improved(?) post-therapy Kail. She does, however, still get along with Jo’s wife Vee and they still do their podcast together.

Kail says that she and Javi are good sometimes, and now is one of those times. 

Kail tells Producer Brendan that he’s on “trial” and she will decide if she wants to come back and film or not later. 

Super.

When we check in with Briana this episode, she and Brittany have just returned from San Diego where they were getting paid to sit on their Dr. Miami-inflated butts and occasionally partake in group activities filming Teen Mom Family Reunion. 

Devoin, who also took advantage of the MTV-funded vacation, has arrived back in Florida, too, and to celebrate his return, he treats his girlfriend Jazmine to a put-putt outing with a side of ‘Teen Mom 2’ camera time. 

While talking to Jazmine about the co-parenting progress he and Briana made at the reunion, viewers are forced to watch what feels like five minutes of footage from past episodes featuring a yelling Briana and a frustrated Devoin. Devoin tells Jazmine that after more than a decade, he and Briana are finally on the same page and moving in the right direction.

In fact, Devoin says he’d like to go out to dinner sometime with just Briana and Nova, as Nova has never sat down with both of her parents for a meal… at least not without anyone getting a Hush Puppy heel to the head.

Meanwhile, in California, Ashley is helping to facilitate a cake decorating class for her mom’s company. While she and Bar are still somewhat on the outs, they both show up to Tea’s event– most likely because Tea already promised those attending her class that it would be filmed by MTV. 

During the class, Ashley and her sister, Chris, sneak to the back to get a break from their mom’s frosting tutorial, where Chris pats Ashley on the back for being “in a little better mood” than the last time they hung out/filmed.

Ashley explains to her sister (once again) that she just couldn’t handle all of the questions regarding her marriage because it’s a “frustrating topic.” Instead of getting into all of the issues on-camera, Ashley says she feels like the best way to handle those questions is to say “I don’t know” instead of going back and forth on where she and Bar stand. 

Regardless of how much her marriage to Bar sucks right now, Ashley says she’s glad Bar is a good dad to their daughter… which he totally should be, considering that’s literally his only responsibility at the moment. 

Over in Indiana, Jade has cleaned house (aka kicked her couch-surfing mom Christy to the curb). Once she’s steam-cleaned the “Christy” smell out of her furniture (a scent that is surely a mix of stale ciggies, Fritos and boxed wine), Jade is looking to find a new house. She wants one that is in a better neighborhood, where her parents can’t come knocking on her door late at night, Big Gulp in hand, begging for shelter and/or gas money.

Jade tells her friend Chau that she put an offer on a house she looked at recently and if all goes well, the house will soon be hers. 

Jade says she hasn’t had a chance to tell Sean about the new house because their phone time is limited, what with Sean still being in rehab and all. 

Later on, Jade and Sean have a quick video chat, during which Jade reveals she’s been looking at houses. Sean– who says he’s making a lot of progress at rehab– is excited about possibly coming home to a new house featuring plenty of places for him to kick back and play video games….oh and hang out with that blond kid who is always around. What’s her name again? Clover? 

While talking about rehab and whatnot, Jade notes that Klowey is grouchy because she’s tired of being ignored and/or yelled at. Jade ultimately walks into the bedroom and attempts to guilt Kloiiiii into talking to Sean.

Sean tries to have a conversation with Klowwie, who at this point, is in full-blown tears. Sean finally gets the unhappy tot to simmer down after promising to bring her home a surprise. (I’m sure the gift shop at The ‘Hab is just stellar. I see a “My Daddy Got Sober and All I Got Was This Lousy Shirt” tee in your future, kid!)  

Back in Delaware, Kail has discovered “really upsetting” news about Vee. She calls up Leah (who, let’s be honest, shouldn’t be dishing out advice to absolutely anyone).

Leah tries to tell Kail about all the sex she had in Costa Rica, but ain’t nobody got time to hear that. 

Kail ignores Leah and just jumps right into the fact that she found out that it was Vee who leaked news of Kail’s pregnancy with Lux (years ago), and not that damn Jenelle Evans, as Kail always thought. 

Naturally, the WaWa King of Drama, Javi, is right in the center of this mess. When he and Kail were fighting, he alluded to the fact that Vee had betrayed Kail at some point. Kail texted Vee and Javi together and demanded to know what’s up. Vee later admitted to being the person who told Javi about her pregnancy. (Kail had previously believed it was Jenelle who told Javi.) 

Apparently, four years ago when Kail was knocked up with Lux, Vee told Javi about the pregnancy so he didn’t look stupid because he was apparently in the dark that Kail (to whom he was still legally married to at the time) was carrying the spawn of another man.

Kail says that Vee and Javi met up at the Target parking lot (not WaWa because it wasn’t that type of meet-up) and she told him everything. Kail claims that Vee not only told Javi that she was “with child,” but also that the child Kail miscarried while she and Javi were still together may not have been Javi’s child. Kail says it is unforgivable that Vee told that lie about her.

Kail let Vee have it via text, and Vee responded by apologizing. Still, though, Kail is unsure if her friendship— and podcast–with Vee can continue. 

Leah— always one to deliver stellar advice— says, “that’s just way too many people puttin’ their hands in conversations they just shouldn’t be.”

UMMM…?

OK.

Later on, Kail and Javi take Lincoln to see his football coach, who is named Speedy. (Of course he is.) Kail wants to know why the hell Big Papi didn’t share this info about Vee being shady with her years ago, and he blames their bad divorce. 

Kail goes to meet up with Vee (at a very unsavory sounding pizza place called “The Brick”). There’s literally no one else in “The Brick” (which honestly isn’t surprising, given that name) and they play some creepy music so we know this is supposed to be awkward/scary.

Vee apologizes for what she did to Kail and says that she had just ejected The Spawn of Jo from her Penis Fly Trap and blames post-partum. She says she would never do that to Kail now. Kail accepts the apology but says that their podcast may be done (neon sign or not!)

They vow to be less crappy to each other from here on out! Kail jokes that they’ll have to change the name of their podcast from Baby Mamas No Drama to Baby Mamas All Drama (which, actually, would be a great name for this TV show). 

Later on in Florida, Devoin picks Nova up from gymnastics– on time!– and brings her back to Briana’s house. Devoin invites Briana to dinner that weekend with him and Nova, and Briana agrees to come along. She also agrees that it’s nice having Devoin around to help Nova with her homework because she personally only understands math when it comes to adding tattoos to her body or multiplying cc’s for her butt implants.

Later in the episode, Briana, Devoin and Nova hit up The Melting Pot to break bread, which they then proceed to then dip into a vat of greasy cheese.    

During their family dinner, Briana feigns interest in Devoin’s “work” and living situation and the two actually manage to get through the meal without yelling/fighting/pouring hot ass cheese on each other. 

Back in The WV, Jaylan has arrived. He walks in and Leah is frazzled, because she has so many “e-mills” to answer. Jaylan robotically walks over and kisses Leah.

OK…does anyone else feel like Jaylan is, like, an alien trying his best to blend in with the humans? His awkward speaking tone, the way he moves…it’s just… weird. I can’t be the only one here, right?

Jaylan says that he has a job prospect that might allow him to move closer to the holler, which makes Leah (and her hoo-ha) tingle with delight. Leah says now that she and Jaylan are “exclusive,” it’s time he met the ding-dang girlseseseses! She says she wants the girlseses to know who she was bangin’ exclusively in Costa Rica.

I think that’s nice…

Later, she tells us Jaylan is leaving the hotel he’s been staying at and coming to her house so he can meet the girlseses. Leah goes to pick up the kidseses and informs them that Jaylan asked her to be his girlfriend.

Leah says that the girlseses can meet them if they want.

“Well, no duh, we’ve gotta meet him!” Ali exclaims, pointing out that the dude’s literally already sitting awkwardly at their house, waiting for them.

Leah and her parade of girlseses rip through the door and find Jaylan just awkwardly sitting on the couch, staring at them.

Jaylan tries to put his extraterrestrial traits aside and bond with Ali and Aleeah by saying he’s a twin, too. They are unimpressed.

“I always forget…” Aleah says, bored.

Addie, however, is already looking at Jay and wondering what she can scam out of him. She asks for a ride to get her nails done. 

Leah explains to the totally uninterested girlseses that it was “very important” that she “waited” to introduce Jaylan to them. (Like…at least until they’ve had a few dates and banged internationally…obviously.) 

A few days later, Leah quizzes the girlseses to see if they liked Jaylan. They report that Jaylan “gave off a good vibe,” which makes Leah relieved. 

Back in California, Bar and Ashley head out to (where the hell else?!) a park to spend contractually-obligated time together and partake in some awkward small talk.  

While discussing the weather and whatnot, Ashley and Bar get into a conversation about therapy, which both claim they are open to try. In order to make things work, however, Ashley tells Bar she needs him to have “discipline” in whatever he chooses to do in life. As for Bar, he says he’d like Ashley to improve on communicating– “or something… you know”– which Ashley says she thinks she can learn to do in therapy…or something.

Back in Indiana, Jade picks up Klouuuie so they can head to the closing for their new house. Once again, Kloyyie is in a bad mood, and Jade insists it’s because she’s tired. 

Seriously, does this kid ever sleep? She always seems more tired than Christy after picking up Jade’s post-surgery Percocets! 

Jade tries to explain to Klowwie what’s going on, but Kloiey couldn’t care less… because she’s four. Jade tells the kid that this is a “big day” and she’s “hurting mommy’s feelings” for not grasping that.

Kloieiii— who, again, is four years old— then declines Jade’s invite to do a “happy dance” after closing, as well as some post-signing “shake your booty” moves in the parking lot, which only adds to Jade’s frustration. 

She’s not willing to twerk in a parking lot? Are we sure this is even Jade’s kid? 

Jade continues to just berate Chlowee for being cranky. I mean, the kid’s dad’s in rehab, her mom is always yelling at her and she’s on this trashbag of a show. Give her a damn break!

Jade calls her grandma to tell her the big news, reiterating that she only wants to give her grouchy, sleep-deprived daughter a stable home and sense of comfort.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ Check out The Ashley’s other recaps by clicking here!

(Photos: MTV)