Howdy gang! Welcome to yet another episode of Teen Mom 2, where it’s business as usual. Someone’s in rehab (natch), someone’s moving way too fast with their new boyfriend and someone is in danger of going to jail. (Seriously, these have been the same three main plotlines for the people on this show since like 2012.) 

First, we hop on over to that ding-dang holler to see what Leah and her gang of girlseses are up. She’s grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ a sweet tater because her man, Jaylan, is on his way to The WV to visit her and butter her biscuit soon. She’s also excited because Jaylan may be moving to the holler because he has a job offer out here.

(The Ashley is kind of shocked they didn’t bleep out the word “job.” Can they even say the J-word on this show?! Also raise your hand if you think that Jaylan’s WV offer is for the job of ‘Teen Mom 2’ cast member….)

Jaylan comes for a quick visit, makes the girlseseses some sort of cheese sandwich on the stove (which, let’s be honest, is at least an upgrade from Lunchables and canned ravioli) and then has to head home, leaving Leah missing his sweet loving.

Leah tells that, in between Jaylan’s visits, she’s focusing on her “new career path.” No, Mary Kay Cosmetics didn’t just get in their spring line— Leah is no longer selling makeup! She’s now fixin’ to become a real estate agent! Instead of bringing Pink Passion blush to the masses, she can now sell ’em holler homes with questionable plumbing and basement bathtubs to “bath” their babies in! (By the way, The Ashley is well aware that all West Virginia homes are not like this, but these seem to be the houses Leah is drawn to.)

Anyway, during her time on ‘Teen Mom 2,’ Leah has gone through more careers than she has husbands, which is saying something. Her attempts to become a nurse, cosmetologist, tanning salon worker, Mary Kay makeup guru and motivational speaker all went belly up, but this time, Leah is determined to succeed… and stuff.

Jaylan calls Leah while she’s studying for her testseseses for the real estate. He has some not-so-great news. The job opportunity he was hoping for is actually not in Leah’s holler, but a holler two hours away from Leah. While having Jaylan two hours away is better than the current situation of eight hours away, she’s still bummed that Jaylan won’t be shackin’ up with her anytime soon.

Leah knows that, even with him two hours away, they won’t be able to smash uglies on the regular, what with Leah having a litter of girlseses, and her blossoming career of selling the “house and homes.”

Leah seems unable to understand why Jaylan can’t just get a job as steady cast member on an MTV show and watch that money roll in! She’s mad that they can’t just go to a movie whenever she wants to. Jaylan points out that he’s busting his ass, driving through God-forsaken country backroads, eating at truck stops serving “Beef… and stuff” hot dogs and living on bad coffee, just to see Leah every weekend and hear her bitch that he wasn’t there to take her to a movie when she had a bad day.

We then head up to Indiana, where Jade has been counting the days until her sobriety-challenged sweetheart, Sean, gets sprung from rehab. Unfortunately, though, the ‘Hab has just called and told Jade they want Sean to stay an extra month (so that he’s good and ‘habbed, apparently?) They do, however, offer to allow Jade and Cl-ooo-i a chance to visit Sean at rehab! 

Jade invites her trusty pal Chau to come along on the rehab field trip. She’s hoping Chau will do some babysitting so Jade and Sean can play “hide the sausage” sober for the first time in probably years. 

I think that’s nice….

Jade says she’s nervous to see Sean, since he won’t be the same person he was when he left…which is good because that dude was a trashbag. 

Next, we scurry up to Delaware, where Kail is talking to Lux about why he can’t quit football in the middle of the season. He keeps screeching that he doesn’t want to play, and Kail tells him that he has to stay on the team, but if he doesn’t want to play he can always “pull an Amber” and sit on the bench for the rest of the season.

When we check in with Ashley this episode, we find her still mulling over her future with Bar and so confused that she’s resorted to asking her daughter, Holly, to weigh in with her thoughts on marriage. (For the record, the four-year-old thinks “it’s great.”)

Ashley says she’s committed to sticking things out with Bar, but it’s hard to “commit to the process” when her better other half is still facing jail time.  

Don’t ya hate when that happens?!

Bar tells Ashley he has court the following day and he’s planning to see if the judge will allow him to take another “disciplinary action” in lieu of 15 days in the slammer. Ashley tells Bar she pretty much doesn’t give two eyebrow tats what he ends up doing, she just wants “this s**t wrapped up.” (To be fair, if that “s**t was wrapped up” you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant or a job on this horrible show so…)

Once Ashley begins to shut down, Producer Brandon is forced to step-in to keep the courthouse convo moving along with Bar. However, Bar admits this whole thing was a “f**k up on my end,” but he’s tired of talking about it. 

Bar asks Producer Brandon to STFU just let him go to court and see what the outcome is rather than discussing it to ad nauseam. (Um, too late.)  

Ashley reiterates that she and Bar can’t really get their marriage back on track until Bar’s court issues are behind them. She notes the ongoing legal costs, meetings with probation officers and other factors, adding that the two of them can’t even commit to going to therapy together because she’s not sure if Bar will be around to attend.

(On the bright side, at least she know he’ll never run into any scheduling conflicts with work.)

Down in Florida, Briana reveals that Stella had to be taken to the hospital after experiencing chest pain and rapid heartbeat.  

The day after being released from the ER, Stella has a cardiologist appointment. Before heading to the doctor, Briana talks to her family about what’s going on, and her mom Roxanne mentions that Stella had two holes in her heart when she was born, suggesting that may be related to what Stella is experiencing now. 

After Briana makes a comment about Stella’s doctor’s office being downtown, Roxanne reminds her that Stella’s dad, Luis, lives downtown, and she may want to let him know what’s going on.

I mean…doesn’t Bri have enough going on without having to wander around all the downtown bus terminals, looking for Luis, who is surely DJ’ing in some Greyhound station snack bar? 

Briana says she let Luis know and he initially said he’d be there, but later changed his mind because he doesn’t want to remember that his daughter is creeped out by him film. 

While driving to the appointment with Stella and Roxanne, Briana tries to get in touch with Luis to see if he’s changed his mind about filming. Briana isn’t buying his excuse about not wanting to be on camera. After all, Luis doesn’t come to see Stella when the cameras aren’t around, either.

In fact, she says Stella hasn’t seen her dad since the first day of school in August– and it’s currently November. 

During Stella’s appointment, the doctor says the holes in her heart have closed; however, they are unsure why she’s having issues, so she’ll have to wear a heart monitor for a month so they can figure out what’s going on. (Hopefully they don’t let ol’ Lu anywhere near that monitor. He’d probably hock any electronic equipment he can get his big mitts on! It’s rough out there for a basement-level “DJ.”) 

Later that night, Briana says that Luis texted her to check on Stella, but she tells her mom she didn’t respond. Roxanne encourages Briana to let her feelings out– especially the rage she’s feeling towards Luis– but Briana insists everything is OK. 

Back in The WV, we take a rare trip to Corey’s cabin, where the twinseseses are making fun of Corey’s “dad jokes.” (OK, does anyone else kind of love the fact that Corey is the type of dad to make “dad jokes?” Aww…Corey Tyler. I love ya!) 

Back at Leah’s place, her sister Victoria, comes in lookin’ like she’s fixin’ to get pregnant (again) by a Costa Rican rafting instructor. She’s all spiffy in a pleather skirt and boot combo and she is feeling herself harder than Mama Dawn when she gets a new Wal-Mart nightgown and her man tells her she looks ‘real purty.’

Leah tells Victoria that she’s so scared to take this real estate test because it’s been so long since she’s taken tests. (Well, I mean, other than pregnancy tests, obvs…)

They then talk about the hitch in the giddyap plan to get Jaylan closer to her. She tells Victoria that if Jaylan moves to Morgantown, he’d still be almost three hours away from her. The possibility of Leah moving there to be with Jaylan is also out of the question, due to custody laws preventing her from moving the kids that far until the twinseseses are 14. (Dern that Corey Tyler!) 

She could take Corey Tyler to court, but she’d have to make a good case with the judge as to why she’s moving with the kids, and we can all pretty much agree that a judge probably won’t side with Leah if she admits she just wants to be near Jaylan and his “womb broom.” 

If Leah has to break up with Jaylan because of location issues, she said that would suck…and stuff.

Soon, Jaylan’s back in the holler visiting, and Leah’s ready to pepper him with complaints about why he won’t move there. Jaylan (who, again, The Ashley is convinced is an alien trying to blend in with the humans) is just as wooden and awkward as always as he and Leah go on a nature walk. 

Jaylan says he got the job in the town three hours from Leah. Leah is not happy, stating that he may as well stay in ding-dang Georgia if he’s going to be that far away from her. Jaylan— the one who has literally put in all of the road hours to make this relationship happen— points out that he’d much rather only drive for two hours than eight hours to see Leah. 

Leah’s still not having it, even though Jaylan explains that driving eight hours from Georgia to the holler every weekend sucks worse than Leah’s past hair and makeup looks. Leah tells Jaylan to think “rill-istically” and consider that the girlseseses have done latched onto him already, so he needs to be closer. 

Leah says she was afraid to let the girlseses and Jaylan meet “for a little while.” (Um…very little while…) Jaylan admits that Leah is getting on his nerves, with all of her “attacking” and demands, and says she should be celebrating that he’s literally moving his entire life closer to the holler for her.

Back in California, Ashley is getting things together for her salon while Bar prepares to head to court. (FINALLY.) Ashley tells her friend that ideally, Bar will be put on house arrest instead of having to turn himself in to jail, being that the holidays are coming up. 

(Everyone pray to the Jesus God Leah for house arrest! It’s Christmas!) 

When Ashley and Holly get back home later, Bar has returned from court with gifts in hand. 

After softening the blow with chocolate and candles, Bar tells Ashley the judge gave him two options: sign up for the work program in March or turn himself into jail in May. Surprisingly, Bar says he plans to go with option number 1. Ashley is happy(ish) to hear this. 

As for Bar, he wants everyone to know that he pulls his weight, even when court hasn’t ordered him to do so. How, you ask? He “makes music,” takes his daughter “for walks” and does “a whole bunch of stuff that’s positive– every single day.” 

In Indiana, Jade is on her way the airport to see Sean when she gets a call from the rehab director, who basically tells her to be strong and not to fall for any of Sean’s “I Love You” crap he may try to use on her to get her to spring him from The ‘Hab early. Jade is annoyed that the rehab people are telling her what to do.

They arrive in Texas and head over to see Sean. He comes walking out and Kllllloi runs to him and they both hug. 

Finally, we check back in with Kail again. She’s in Atlanta, podcasting (and stuffing her gullet with Taco Bell) with Lindsie. After discussing whether or not Kail will defecate in her pants after eating that Chalupa Supreme, (as you do), they put together a podcasting plan.

Kail says they’re going to talk about “gentle parenting” and she gives an example of Lux having a fit that he couldn’t quit football. Kail explains that she doesn’t yell at the kids when they’re upset because then everyone is just upset and yelling.

Kail analyzes her litter, saying that Isaac is the hardest to parent, while Lincoln is the easiest. She says Creed and Lux are crapshoots (but not the kind Kail gets after eating Taco Bell, apparently). She attributes their sometimes-good-sometimes-bad behavior to them having Chris as their dad. She makes sure to slip in that Lux is with her “95% of the time” and says that since Chris can’t even get his crap together long enough to have his kid more than 5% of the time, he shouldn’t really get a say in parenting.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ To read more of The Ashley’s recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)