Howdy, kids! We’re about halfway through Season 918 of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ and things are really starting to get juicy.

Just kidding— half this episode is about kids wearing coats. It’s a Yawn-a-Polooza but, at this point, we’ve dedicated so many years to watching this trash heap, it just feels like the right thing to do to finish it out.

This episode kicks off with a check-in with Jade, who is still in Texas with Kloughie visiting Sean in The ‘hab. Jade says she’s bummed that her rappin’ baby daddy has to stay in rehab for an extra 30 days. (I guess she’s upset because she’ll be stuck raising/yelling at Khl-oi alone for the next month or so.)

As Klow-E rambles to her dad and pokes his visibly-healthier face, Jade asks Sean how he’s doing, and he says he’s never been better. He feels good and he even looks good. Jade stares blankly at him.

Perhaps she’s a bit jealous that Sean’s glow-up makeover came via sobriety and not a Florida plastic surgeon slicing ‘n’ dicing his rump and throwing him in the back of the Scooby Doo van on an air mattress?

I get it; I’d be a little salty too, Jade…

Jade tells Sean things have been hectic with him away, but she’s glad he’s getting the help he needs…and stuff. Sean says that he now realizes that his former “friends” weren’t his friends at all. He says they weren’t genuine. (I guess that’s code for “they only liked me because I could buy them benzos with all my girl’s MTV cash?”)

During the visit, Jade and Sean put a tablet in front of Chloey’s face so they can have a chat with Daniel, the director of the rehab center. Um…the kid is still sitting right there. Do they think that she can’t hear what they’re saying just because she’s watching Cocomelon? (Or, more likely, old episodes of ‘Teen Mom 2?’) 

During the conversation with Rehab Director Daniel, Jade comments that Sean appears to have “healthy blood pumping” through him, and Sean credits his progress to learning how to be himself– without drugs or a constant video game controller in his hands, we hope. 

Daniel goes on to explain that the center wanted Sean to extend his stay by 30 days because Sean was not “emotionally honest” the first 45 that he was there. 

At the end of their visit, Jade and Sean say their goodbyes… but not before getting in one more dig about their daughter’s sleep-deprived behavior. 

Back at her hotel, Jade talks to her friend Chau about her visit with Sean, telling her she felt that “spark” with Sean again. Seeing Sean healthy, happy and, you know, awake, made Jade want to jump his bones right there in the rehab family room. Luckily, she refrained but says she is looking forward to getting it in the near future.

She also says she has a better understanding of why he needs to say an extra month, as she didn’t know the severity of his situation. Seeing all of the progress Sean is making has also made Jade “infatuated” with Sean again, which is a 180 from how she felt about him pre-hab.

Over in California, it’s been a week, and we’re still in shock that Ashley’s husband, Bar, chose joining a work program over serving two weeks in the slammer. Court-mandated or not, having a job on this show is a rarity… even though having an ankle monitor isn’t. 

Not only has Bar joined the working class, but he and Ashley have begun seeing a therapist to fix their marital issues. I assume they signed up for the course that teaches Bar to be more considerate to Ashley’s needs…which include having a hubby who’s not constantly adding to his mugshot collection. They’ll probably encourage to dust her husband’s ankle monitor frequently. (It’s the little things, y’all!) Oh, and they’re probably teach her all the different ways to compliment Bar’s facial tattoos.

I think that’s nice…

Fortunately for the sake of her currently dwindling storyline, Ashley reveals later that her landlord has sold the house she and Bar have been renting, and they’ll have to vacate the premises soon. (They don’t say why the landlord sold the house from under them, but it’s likely he caught an episode of this toilet bowl of a reality show and was like “WTF?!”)

While talking about their plans, Bar mentions his job “at the cannabis club” and the fact that it’s “going good.” Bar gives his employer props for following COVID guidelines, before asking Ashley if she’s considering getting vaccinated. Ashley says she may do it because she’s going to be working in close proximity to clients once her salon opens; however, she isn’t sure just yet. 

Later on, Ashley and Bar head out to look at a house in a neighborhood with an HOA that doesn’t prohibit film crews from lurking about. They end up liking the house, signing a lease, and moving in almost immediately because…this is ‘Teen Mom,’ where people can move constantly with no issues.

While settling into the new place, Ashley explains to her daughter, Holly, that because they are living somewhere new, she’ll have to start going to a new school and make new friends. Holly says she’ll miss her friends, but it’ll be okay. Ashley says she’s “always surprised by Holly” and her ability to understand things. (Honestly, same.) 

Next we head down to that ding-dang holler to check in with Leah. She’s still not happy that her latest boo, Jaylan, is still going to be over two hours away from her and the girlseseses (even though the dude is literally moving his entire life to be closer to her.) 

There’s a rap at the door and it’s Victoria, Leah’s ever-fertile sister. Leah’s fixin’ some avocado toast for herself (which is a major step up in class from the off-brand crackers and canned cheese-like product that Mama Dawn probably served them when “they was youngins.”) 

In order for Victoria to get herself some of that sweet ‘cado toast, though, she has to ask Leah about her upcoming real estate testseseses. She tells Leah she understands why she wanted to do “the real estate.” 

Leah says all she has to do is pass that damn testssesssss and then she can start “showin’ houses and stuff…as a salesperson.” 

Why do I feel like Leah is going to go into the local holler diners and ask the waitresses if they have some sort of “businesswomen’s special?” She’s going to be standing in her ding-dang power all the way to discounted bacon and eggs, y’all!

Leah says even she’s surprised that she’s “actually completing” something, “from start to finish.” 

Then, the convo switches to Leah’s relationship with Jaylan. Victoria– who, as you’ll remember, went to Poundtown on vacation in Costa Rica and got knocked up— is an expert at long-distance relationships. She tells Leah that not being able to hump on demand will make the relationship stronger.

Later, Leah’s busy a’studyin’ because her big testsssess is the next day. She says she really wants to pass because she wants to “get started on the next phase of her career.”

Um….what was the first phase? You literally sold miracle lipstick for like a month, and let MTV follow you around with cameras for a decade. I’m not sure we should call that a “career” but OK…

It’s the morning of the big test and Leah’s so busy studying that she realizes she still has to drop one of those girlseseses off school! They’re running behind (so I guess that means Addie won’t have time to run into the gas station to get breakfast?) Leah is trying to rush her youngin into the car, but Addie’s fussin’ that she doesn’t need to wear a jacket.

NOT WITH THE DANG-GONE JACKET AGAIN! JESUS GOD LEAH! 

Leah’s freaking out that she has to be ON-TIME for the testsesesss and take the youngin to school. She tells Addie to get herself ready, because she ain’t got no time to stop to let her out of the car. Apparently Addie is just going to barrel-roll out the door as Leah drives by the schoolhouse?

Just then, Jaylan calls and Leah confesses that she doesn’t feel that she’s studied enough. (Damn those ding-dang “not well” West Virginia schools!) While Leah’s on the phone with her boooooyfriend, Addie is begging her to just let her walk to school. (Who can blame the kid? I wouldn’t want to hear Leah’s passive-aggressive “flirting” with her boo, either.) 

Leah’s starting to get anxious and frustrated and is cursing the fact that MTV’s cameras are filming her. We can tell she’s about to have a major breakdown, so she orders Addie to rip the MTV cameras down in the car. 

Leah obviously doesn’t want the show’s audience to see her freaking out. (I mean, it doesn’t help her “businesswoman” image, ya know?) 

Over in Delaware, Kail and her litter are driving to check out the progress on their latest “forever” home. While in the car, Kail asks the boys what they want for lunch and when Lux suggests they hightail it to Starbucks, Kail laughs and asks where he came from. Without hesitation, Lux replies, “from your vagina.” 

Once Kail and her crew arrive at the new house, Kail mentions that Lincoln and Lux are still in football and she’s glad their seasons are ending soon because “it’s a little crazy being so involved with the team.”

Kail and the boys then run wild around the construction zone and Kail points out her “wing” of the house. (And we wonder why people say these moms are no longer relatable…)

Later on, Kail talks about her “roller coaster” co-parenting relationship with Javi, before calling her friend to tell her that said-roller coaster resulted in her making not one, but two trips to her therapist’s office that week. As you do…

(Again, this is all totally relatable. Don’t all teen moms have access to primo mental health services at the beck and call?) 

Kail explains that she and Javi got into it over her not making Lincoln wear a jacket to football practice. 

Kail reads her friend the not-so-friendly texts she received from Javi explaining why outerwear is necessary to wear in December while living in Delaware. 

So, to summarize, things have gotten so stale on this show that we are literally watching these people talk about a jacket. Hell, I guess it’s better than wallpaper samples but COME THE HELL ON. I am going to need someone to rip someone else’s face off, or cry to their mom that they can’t get high or something.

According to Kail, she and Javi just don’t have the same “parenting style,” noting that Javi’s mother still washes his dirty laundry, whereas Kail consistently airs hers.

I said what I said…

Kail says she doesn’t want to waste her therapy sessions on a man who can’t even operate a front loader.

She also claims Javi just hit her up the previous week asking why they can’t get back together. (Pray to the Baby Jesus God Leah that these two get back together. Between the sexual tension, inevitable cheating scandal, possible pregnancy, and all the breakup crap-talking they’ll do about each other, it’s a literal goldmine of content for The Ashley!)  

Next, we head over to Florida to check in with Briana and the Coven. Briana is still monitoring Stella’s heart, after her latest health scare. Bri is mad that Luis couldn’t be bothered to crawl out from whatever rock he lives under to be there for his daughter.

Briana insists she’s “done dealing with him”….but then says she’s going to go talk to his mom in hopes his mom can “get through to him.”

Um…?

Unfortunately, Luis’ mom isn’t so good with the English, and Bri doesn’t speak Spanish, so she has to call in “Shirley” to translate for her. “Shirley” texts Luis’ mom and demands to know why he’s a bald headed, deadbeatin’ wad of uselessness.

“Shirley” writes to Luis’ mom that, not only does she have a crappy son, but they’re also crappy grandparents because they don’t care about their DJ son’s spawn…and stuff. 

“How do you think she’s going to respond?” Briana asks.

Um….much like the schools in West Virginia…”not well.” 

Luis’ mom texts back immediately. She basically tells Bri that she knows Luis sucks as a dad, but, you know, that’s her baby boy and she doesn’t want Bri complaining about him on a national TV show…and stuff.

Luis’ mom is under the impression that Bri has been keeping Stella from Luis, so it’s obvious she doesn’t watch ‘Teen Mom 2.’ 

All of a sudden, Luis’ dad gets into the mix, calling Briana. She denies the call and says she’s “not ready for it.” 

UMMMMM?! Bri was awfully excited to send that crap-talking text to Luis’ mom but now she’s not ready for it? OK…

Meanwhile in California, Bar is off working a shift at the “cannabis club,” so Ashley invites her mom, Tea, over to check out their new place. 

After a quick tour, Ashley tells her mom that she’s been “waiting on licensing” to open up her salon– “paperwork, legal s**t,” specifically– but now everything has come through and she has already begun booking appointments. Ashley says she’s already overwhelmed and is also still trying to decided whether or not to get vaccinated. 

When she says the word ‘vaccinated,’ you can almost hear the sound of a record screeching, and Tea stares at her like she just suggested a life without MTV cameras.

Tea tells Ashley she knows where the family stands on the whole vaccination debate. She suggests Ashley not do it, noting that “little quirky stuff be going on without me going into detail.”

She insists that Ashley can run a successful salon without getting vaccinated, and while Ashley agrees, she tells her mom she’s still considering it. 

Back in Delaware, Javi stops by Kail’s podcast box so the two of them can talk about Lincoln’s football team. Before doing so, however, Kail puts Javi on a guilt trip for being the main character in her latest therapy sessions. 

Kail tells Javi he doesn’t need to tell her how to parent their son and that Lincoln is old enough to know when he needs to be wearing a jacket, as well as old enough to remember to bring one. Javi says he will continue bringing an extra coat in the event that Lincoln doesn’t come to practice with one, while Kail insists on teaching Lincoln “personal accountability.” 

So, to recap, we’re still talking about the freaking JACKET. Is this episode sponsored by Burlington Coat Factory or something? Good Lord…

Meanwhile, in West Virginia, Leah is leaving the “exam site.” She calls up Victoria and explains that she was at the exam site “for an hour and a half” (Sure, Jan..) and there was a “system flaw” that prevented her from taking the exam.

(I will bet my entire lifetime supply of Mary Kay Cosmetics that the “system flaw” was Leah being late after having a major meltdown on the side of the highway. Anyone else?) 

Damn them “not well” West Virginia real estate testsssess systems!

We head back to Florida one last time to watch as Bri prepares to call Luis’ dad back. She calls her friend Shea for “support.”

Shea kinda looks like the lovechild of Jade and Amber Portwood.

Briana tells Shea that Luis has been painting her as a great big ol’ liar, and she’s not happy about it. She is ready to talk to Luis’ dad now. (Luis’ dad speaks English so “Shirley” is not needed here to translate.) 

Apparently, Big Lu’s dad didn’t sign a release form so we aren’t able to hear his side of the phone conversation. However, we see Bri tell him that it’s actually Luis who is the great big ol’ liar and that he couldn’t pick his kid out of a lineup. She also tells him that Luis can’t even be bothered to call his daughter (even when he has minutes!) 

Bri tells Luis’ dad that “as an adult,” he should have reached out to his granddaughter. (Um…am I the only one that realizes that, technically, Luis is an adult, too?) Briana reminds Luis’ dad that it was Big Lu who begged her not to give Stella up for adoption, and now he doesn’t want to deal with her.

How lovely that this is all on film so that poor Stella can relive it over and over again when she’s older. 

Briana says that Luis needs to let her know if he’s going to be a crap parent forever. (Spoiler alert: he is.) She wants to remove his name from Stella’s birth certificate. She also says that she’s telling the truth about what’s happened between Stella and Luis. (Hey— at least she has years of MTV footage to back her up!) 

Later, Briana tells us that Luis’ dad didn’t realize what a deadbeat his son was.

Hybrid Jade/Amber gives Bri a hug and congratulates her for speaking the truth to Luis’ family.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ To read The Ashley’s previous episode recap, click here!

(Photos: MTV)