Hey, y’all! Welcome back to DumpsterFireVille, where the gals from Teen Mom 2 never disappoint us when it comes to making bad life decisions for our entertainment!

We kick things off this week with Kail. She and Javi are taking Kail’s litter, as well as Lincoln’s football team to a game in Atlanta. They report that there has not been any Kail and Javi drama— or “Kavi” drama— this trip but…this day is young.

They show some Sportsball clips and stuff, and then Kail tells us that Javi’s been “super flirty” to her since they went on the trip. Javi comes over and tells Kail he brought her a housewarming gift.

“What is it?” Kail asks.

It’s a mini football Lincoln (and not ‘Mini Javi’ like we all thought.) 

Javi gives Kail an awkward hug and kiss combo and then Kail shows him around the house so that he will know all of the spots that they will be able to bang.

I think that’s nice…

“Nice railings,” Javi comments.

Too easy…

They head to the master bedroom which Javi labels “my room.” 

They ask Lincoln how he feels about them getting along (and, you know, all the awkward sexual tension and stuff). Lincoln looks like he’d rather die than answer any more of these questions.

Over in California, Ashley’s daughter, Holly, gives a recap of her school day while Bar FaceTimes his mom, Shen, to catch up. Shen tells Bar her doctor found “a bunch of malignant stuff”–- aka tumors–- in her spine. In addition to surgery and follow-up appointments, Shen will undergo massage therapy– the latter of which she’s really excited about.

Bar says “it’s dope as hell” that his mom can find the positive in a bad situation. 

Despite her current health issues, Shen says she still wants to come out and visit Bar and his family. Bar gets emotional as Shen continues to discuss her health.

Later on, Ashley notes that she and Shen are in a better place than they used to be and that she wants to support Bar, as he’s having a tough time dealing with his mom’s diagnosis. 

Bar talks about Shen wanting to come out for a visit, and Ashley begins talking about moms not looking at their children like little babies anymore… or something? 

Ashley also says the pandemic has made both her and Bar have a better appreciation for loved ones and the time you have with people. 

Seemingly the same day, Shen arrives in California.

Later on, Bar and Shen grab coffee while Shen talks about the horrible weather in Ohio and what the next few weeks will look like after she returns: biopsies and more doctors appointments. On a more positive note, Bar tells his mom about the progress he and Ashley have made in their relationship and Shen adds that the growth from both Bar and Ashley has been “amazing.”

Like Ashley, Jade is also opening her own salon so the locals in her town can continue to be Slayed by Jade on the reg. In addition to opening her salon, Jade is still trying to get all of the remodeling done to her new house before Sean comes home from The ‘Hab’ in a week. And of course, Kloweegh is along for the ride– literally and figuratively. 

With her salon unfinished at the moment, Jade is still working in her previous location and of course, her trusty BFF Chau stops by to get a touchup on her hair and pick up a little paycheck from MTV. While dyeing Chau’s hair snow-cone purple, (as you do), Jade talks about how much better things will be when Sean comes home and is able to parent “50-50” with her. 

Later on, Jade gives a tour of her new salon, which of course, includes a massage table for Chau.

Meanwhile, Sean meets with his rehab director in Texas to talk about his post-rehab plan, where he’s commended for being able to ask for help.

Down in Florida, Briana is still pushing for Luis to be more involved in Stella’s life, no matter how bad Stella would like him not to be. During this particular forced interaction, Luis FaceTimes Stella during dinner to interrupt her ramen eating and insult her hair. 

Fortunately, it’s almost bedtime so Stella gets out of making small talk with the bald stranger that is her father– for now. 

Later on, Briana says that Nova’s grades are slipping, so she’s being taken out of gymnastics and put into tutoring a few times a week. (I’m sure having this filmed for MTV made thing much better for Nova.)

 Briana and Roxanne warn Nova that fourth grade is when things “get real” and Roxanne takes it a step further by telling Nova life is going to deliver her a Size 9 right to the head if she doesn’t get her act together. 

Devoin picks up Nova and Stella from school, meanwhile, Briana and her mom and sister talk about Stella’s heart monitor findings. The doctor, Briana says, found nothing abnormal and believes Stella is just feeling her heart beating and doesn’t know how to explain what it is… or something?

Brittany somehow relates this to the time she went to the hospital with abdominal pain which ended up being gas. She says she finally hooted it all out, but not before she had to pay thousands in medical bills. 

Next, we hop on over to the holler to check in with Leah. She tells us that she and the girlseseses feel “closer than ever” to Jaylan, now that he lives in their holler. Jaylan “comes over” in the morning (because he of course didn’t sleep in Leah’s bed the night before, y’all) and serves up the girlseseses some troughs of breakfast meats. 

Later, Jaylan comes in (wearing some sort of safari hat…as you do) and tells Leah that his dad “didn’t say much” about him bringing a twice-divorced mother of three (and her camera crew) to Christmas. He says his sister is down for their relationship though (probably because she knows she’s only a few ‘Teen Mom’ appearances away from getting approached to do promos and sell crap on Instagram).

Leah says it’s important that Jaylan come with her to drop off Addie and the twinseseses with their dadseseseses. 

Next, Jaylan is doing his own interviews, saying how he can’t wait to continue to grow as a family with all the girlseses and Leah.

Also, he is saying all this while wearing a pearl necklace.

A.PEARL.NECKLACE.

You guys…I can’t…

“I don’t think the honeymoon period will ever end!” Jaylan tells us optimistically. 

“It’s real love!” 

Back in Delaware, Kail has invited Javi to her work office “for lunch.” (I’ll bet I can guess what the ‘main course’ will be. Also…ew.) 

Javi is trying to show Kail how to put the peg in the hole. (They’re building a rack of some sort, you sickos!) 

They begin eating their lunch as they talk about how great their “co-parenting” is lately. Javi wants to know why things are so good between them all of a sudden.

Gee…I wonder…

Kail says it’s because Lincoln plays football or something. You can literally cut the sexual tension with a spork here.

Kail says that their current relationship shows that they can work out, and maybe they divorced because it wasn’t the right time for them. She suggests it was a case of “right person, wrong time.” 

“You’re saying I’m the right person?” Javi asks.

“Yeah,” Kail says.

Javi then asks if Kail would be open to getting back into a relationship (other than just dry humping in the car after football practice, etc., of course…)

Kail says she’s not sure. She tells the cameras later that she and Javi need to work on themselves first.

That’s the understatement of the century…

On a more positive (and less gassy) note in Florida, Briana notes that Luis is making more of an effort with Stella and has even been calling multiple times a day. She isn’t sold on the new and improved Luis just yet, however, due to his horrible track record. 

Briana decides it’s time to bring her baby daddies together for one big happy family lunch and both Luis and Devoin are on-board with the plan. Not long after, Devoin shows up… Luis, however, is an hour late and not answering his phone. Briana worries that Luis’ latest dad fail is going to upset Stella, but something tells us Stella didn’t want to break bread with that baldheaded stranger to begin with. 

Back in The WV, Leah is taking the twinseseses to meet up with Corey Tyler. They drive to the trusty side of the road lot. Naturally, because “he’s here now,” Jaylan has to tag along to the spawn exchange. Corey Tyler is kind to Jaylan, but is definitely not in the mood to chit-chat about the benefits of wearing women’s jewelry or whatnot. He loads those girlseseses into his truck and high-tails it out of there.

The twinseseses and Corey head to Corey’s father Jeff‘s house. Corey goes inside to dish the gossip about Leah’s new soulmate to his pops. He tells Papaw Jeff that Leah’s boyfriend is now living in the holler. Papaw Jeff says that if the girlseses were Jingle Belling with Jaylan’s family at Christmas, things with him and Leah must be getting pretty serious.

Corey agrees, and says that the twinseses have no problems with Jaylan.

We head over to Leah’s house, where there’s more Messer mess happening. Victoria‘s Costa Rican one-night-hump-turned-baby-daddy, Royer (or Roger?) finally gets approved for a visa, so an excited Victoria rings up Leah to talk about how great it will be to have the guys they want to bang living in The WV! 

Victoria tells Leah that she and Royer will have 90 days to get hitched once he sets his hooves down in America. Victoria says she plans to get married as soon as Royer arrives.

Victoria says that, even if the ding-dang law didn’t say she had to marry Royer within 90 days, she still probably would get hitched right away because she is in love.

Victoria tells Leah that she should be gettin’ hitched pretty soon, too. (After all, she has been with Jaylan for months. That’s like 10 years in Messer girl time.) 

“When’s Jay going to pop that ring out?” Victoria squeals.

(Well, this is ‘Teen Mom,’ so most likely not before Leah pops an illegitimate kid out…)

“We know that you want his babies and his ring and his last name– Leah Mobley!” Victoria says. 

Leah says she “ain’t never giving up” her last name ever again.

But… Leah Messer Simms Calvert Mobley does have a nice ring to it, doesn’t it…

Leah says she doesn’t even know if she needs to get married.

Wait…what? Leah isn’t getting married? Can that…happen?

She says she will have her happy ending without getting married. 

Sure, Jan…

“I was 17 when I got married the first time, 19 when I got married the second time, so it definitely felt like a failure,” Leah tells us. “I was dead-set on never getting married again.”

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)