The Ashley has been going through Teen Mom recapping withdrawals and, since there are no other crappy ‘Teen Mom’ shows currently airing right now, she has decided to do the unthinkable: she is going to recap Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant.

(The Ashley had previously vowed never to recap this show and, to date, has only recapped a few “Beaver Bunch” segments. But…here we are…)

The new season kicks off with some of the girls sitting on the rooftop of their hotel in Los Angeles. Brianna (who, unlike the Teen Mom 2 Briana has an extra “n” in her name and a whole lot less Dr. Miami-inflated bootie in her pants) and Kayla catch up on things. During their chat, Kayla commends Brianna for using some of her MTV money to move out of her mom’s house. 

Briana reveals that she’s not only been able to continue living on her own, but she’s been holding down an actual job (!!!!) at a doctor’s office for the last six months. According to Kayla, Briana’s accomplishments more than make up for the fact that she treats her mom like garbage. 

Speaking of garbage… Brianna says she and her f**k boy ex-boyfriend Briggs have called things off for good, though she’s still trying to work through all the trauma he put her through. 

During a night out in Los Angeles, Kiaya meets up with the other ‘Young and Pregnant’ moms so they can all talk about their children and call each other “bad b*tches.” After some pleasantries, Kiaya reminds viewers how she ended up on this crapfest to begin with. 

Kiaya and the other moms bond over their willingness to expose their dirty laundry on TV, assuring each other they’ll all have their “happy ending eventually.” 

Later on, Kiaya and her girlfriend Teazha spend some quality time together in LA, painting mermaid mammaries, during which they reveal they technically do not have the “girlfriends” title currently, despite being in a really good place with one another at the moment.  

While painting clamshell cleavage, Kiaya tells Teazha that when she got pregnant, she felt like her childhood was being taken away from her and her “individuality was gone.” She adds that despite all the relationship drama the two of them were going through, she felt like Teazha was the only familiar part of her childhood that she had left.

“I wanted to do, like, anything to keep it,” Kiaya says. “But I’m happy with the space that we are in now.” 

Teazha tells Kiaya she loves the space they are in, too– especially at the moment… surrounded by well-endowed mermaids.

Meanwhile, the Beaver gals are enjoying livin’ it up in LA. Rachel and Malorie are in awe of all the fancy frocks and high class shoes that the Hollywood stores have to offer. 

Just then, the girls get a call from back home in BeaverVille. It’s their mama, Stephanie, calling to complain to Rachel that her daughter, Hazelnut, won’t wear “no clothes.” Ol’ Hazey’s been wrastlin‘ Mama Beaver at every attempt she makes to clothe her, and Rachel tells her mom that this is normal. 

Rachel then gives us a quick catch-up on Beaver Family History. While they trust Mama Beaver enough now to watch their youngins while they hob-nob in LA, it wasn’t always that way. Rachel tells us that Steph wasn’t always the pillar of society she is now, and was often “in and out of trouble” so much that Rachel and Mal got sent to live with Nana Beaver when they were young. 

Rachel says that Steph has now cleaned up her act, but they still fight like gersh dern beavers when they’re dammed up together. (I swear I will limit the Beaver-themed jokes. They’re cheap jokes, I know, but I can’t help myself!) 

Anyway, Rachel wants Steph to butt out when it comes to Hazmat’s father, Drew (who is also a pillar of society…and in prison.)

“I was doin’ meth and I was strugglin’ with that so I started doin’ heroin,” Drew tells Rachel during some prison house phone pillow talk. 

Now, Rachel has a new man in her life– Noah. (He does not appear to be in state or federal custody at the moment, so that’s a plus!) Sadly, though, Rachel and Noah’s dream relationship hit a bump. They got into a huge fight over Noah moving to take a job and ended up breaking up.

Noah is seen shoving HassleLee’s baby crib and other assorted crap out of his car so we know things are “not well” in the relationship. (The shapes Rachel draws on her face with eyeliner last longer than these relationships, apparently…)

A few months later, though, Rachel decided to give Noah another chance. Now, they have been together about a year and are living together. Rachel says it’s great living with a boy instead of her Mama. 

Next, we head over to check in with Madisen. You may remember that Madisen—who’s originally from 16 and Pregnant— “won” the role of full-time cast member for this season. (I mean…I’m not sure being on this show can really count as a “win,” but it beats working the cash register at Flo’s Taxidermy Emporium I guess!) 

Madisen gets a call from Rachel, whom she’s grown close to. Rachel’s in LA, and is unaware that Madisen is filming for the show again. 

We then get a walk down Memory Lane with Madisen. She reminds us of her “16 and Pregnant’ past, and tells us her mama was crappier than Farrah Abraham‘s driveway porta-potty, and was never around when she was growing up. She was raised by her father Nick had been living near him with her daughter Camille in Arkansas. 

Her baby daddy Christian had been cheating on her, and had a face full of video games most of the time.

The baby daddy admits he’s “addicted” to Street Fightering and whatnot, but doesn’t seem to care.

Eventually, Madisen says she dumped Christian and moved with her dad to Ohio, where Daddy Dearest was planning to do some live-in lovin’ with his new galpal, Christina. Madisen really likes Christina, and is glad to see her father so happy. Things go so well that Nick and Christina get hitched. (Wanna see their wedding photos? Of course you do!) 

This brings us to October 2021. Madisen tells us that Christian has somehow come out of his Nintendo Switch stupor and has begged Madisen for another chance. For Camille’s sake, Madisen agrees to try her relationship with Christian again because she loves him…and stuff.

Madisen, Christian and Camille are currently dwelling in Christina’s basement (as you do), and adjusting to life in Ohio. Madisen is a stay-at-home mom, while Christian is slaaangin’ draaanks at a local bar. (I have no idea what the bar is called but in my head it’s Joe-Billy’s House of Hooch.) 

Although Christian’s job brings in some money, he’s not doing much with Camille or Madisen. Soon, the gamer headphones are back on and he’s spending more time with the Mario Brothers than his family. 

(I actually have no clue if people still play Mario Brothers? The Ashley will only start playing video games when Farrah Abraham comes out with her “Backdoor Teen Mom” game, where you use Farrah’s inflatable body parts to battle people with “belligerent, anti-Christ attitudes.” Get on this, Nintendo!) 

Madisen reports that Christian will “go days” without changing a diaper. (I’m really hoping she means Camille’s diaper and not his own. If he’s wearing adult diapers so he doesn’t have to pause his game to take a piss, he may need to go to the Ye Olde Rehab.) 

Madisen seems shocked that Christian hasn’t changed at all since she took him back. (He has, however, acquired more facial and head fur, so there’s that.) Christian thinks everything has been “a lot better” since they’ve moved to Ohio, but Madisen does not agree. 

She explains to Christian that their daughter is desperate for attention from him, and that she’s tired of Christian “not giving a f**k” about anything but saving the princess from the Koopa. (Again, is this still a thing?) 

Naturally, Christian points out that Madisen still hasn’t changed. She still nags him to play with their daughter and change diapers and stuff and it’s so annoying. When Madisen asks Christian what exactly he’d like her to change, he can’t think of anything she’s doing wrong.

Madisen says she thinks that there’s “too much hurt been done” to her to want to be with Christian. 

“You don’t know how many times I’ve stayed up crying, over you f**king around with other bitches!” Madisen tells him.

Um…..!?! Are chicks really into video-obsessed cavemen? 

Madisen tells Christian that she’s not sure what she wants to do. 

Meanwhile, Brianna talks to her mom, who is taking care of her son Braeson while Brianna is in LA. She tells her mom that it was fun to film for the Teen Mom OG Reunion with that cast. We see a clip from that show, and see Brianna talking about how she’s a bit hurt when Braeson wants to spend time with her mom instead of her.

During their phone conversation, Brianna thanks her mom for watching Braeson.

“Kids are a lot. Kids are freakin’ a lot!” she says.

Next we check in with Kayla. Despite her boyfriend Luke cheating on her while she was pregnant with their daughter (as you do), and then Kayla “talking” to her ex Ryan, getting pregnant, getting an abortion, and becoming public enemy number one of Luke’s family, she and Luke are still trying to salvage their disaster of a relationship. 

Two weeks before arriving in Los Angeles for the reunion, Luke assures Kayla he’s been as supportive as he can be of the two of them mending everything, though he claims Kayla isn’t letting him “help” her. 

According to Kayla, she’s still trying to get past Luke cheating on her, but she’s struggling because he didn’t just mess up once, he made “a lot” of mistakes. (Sounds like ol’ Luke was gettin’ his bone honed by every bar fly from there to Chicago!) 

Still, Luke says he’s doing everything he can to fix things, even though Kayla is doubtful they can be fixed at all. 

Kayla’s solution to her and Luke’s garbage fire romance is to take a week apart and decide where to go from there. Luke says he isn’t on board with this plan, as the last time they “tried to do the break” it only lasted a day and resulted in Kayla doing “the ultimate disrespectful thing”–-talking to her ex. (Besides boning a lot of “mistakes” of course…I think Luke should probably just take the “L” here.) 

Kayla tells Luke she only reached out to her ex because she “wanted someone to talk to.” 

Later on, as Kayla and Luke wrap up their trip to California, Kayla says she’s happy that she and Luke managed not to rip each other’s heads off–- or rip any of their exes’ clothes off–- and get through the reunion with only mildly embarrassing themselves on stage… with the help of Dr. Drew, of course. 

 

 

Back in Los Angeles, Rachel has filmed a scene with Teen Mom OG stars Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra. Rachel says that talking about her past brought up some painful childhood memories.

Rachel comes back and talks to Malorie about it, stating that their mom treated them like crap as kids because her mom treated her like crap as a kid and so on. Rachel suggests the whole Beaver Clan could benefit from some intensive therapy. They hope that therapy will prevent Hazzard and Malorie’s daughter, Emerson, from ending up going on some crappy MTV show in the future. 

Meanwhile, Kayla’s man Luke talks to Teazha about how her relationship with Kiaya is. 

“I know you’ve been runnin’ with no labels,” he tells her. Teazha insists they’re “letting it flow.”

Luke says that he and Kayla are also “letting it flow,” despite all the cheatings and whatnot. Luke says that he told Kayla she could peace out on the relationship if she’s not able to handle that he cheated. However, he says if she stays he doesn’t want to have to listen to her talk about it anymore.

UM!?!?

Teazha and Luke talk over each other for a while more, agreeing that it’s best they don’t have to hear their significant others bitch about their shortcomings.

Back in Ohio, Madisen talks to her dad about her bad baby daddy situation.

She explain that, in addition to Christian constantly playing video games, he also falls asleep constantly, even when he’s “watching” Camille. Daddy Nick looks like he’s getting more and more angry at Christian as Madisen explains all the crappy things he does– or doesn’t do.

Nick is not a fan of Christian and Madisen getting back together, and he is pissed that Christian traipsed all the way to Ohio just to be the same useless blob he was back in Arkansas. 

That’s all for this episode! To read more of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)