On this episode of Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant it seems that we will be checking off all of the key things that we fans have come to expect from the show: Someone is dealing with an imprisoned baby daddy, someone is moving and someone is preparing to box their potential mother-in-law! (We get all that plus the Beaver Bunch! What a time to be alive!)

Let’s get started! 

We kick things off in BeaverVille, Tennessee, where Rachel and Malorie are playing with their youngins at a park. (I mean, this is ‘Teen Mom.’ Does it even count as a real episode if someone doesn’t drag their sibling to a random park to have producer-prompted conversations?) 

Rachel asks Mal how her “love life” is going these days. Malorie says that, what with taking care of her kid and working, she doesn’t have much time to think about stuffing her muffin. She says her love life is on “pause” right now. 

Although Malorie’s got no time for doin’ the ol’ horizontal beaver boogie, Rachel is currently getting her biscuit buttered by her boyfriend Noah. Rachel tells Malorie that Noah is great for her and her daughter, HazmatSuit. She says usually she clings to any guy who pays her any attention, no matter how big of a trashbag he is.

“It’s because we have mommy and daddy issues, Rachel,” Malorie states.

(Somewhere in LA, Dr. Drew is watching this scene and salivating at the thought of getting these girls up on the Reunion stage and making them cry.)

Rachel’s determined not to let anything stop her— not mommy and daddy issues or even her ding-dang eyesight! Apparently, Rachel is blinder than a ‘Teen Mom’ girl when it comes to seeing relationship red flags. She wants to get contacts and her driver license.  

“With my family, they didn’t care about me to put me in driving school,” she tells Noah. 

Rachel is studying for her driving test on her phone. She wants her own license because Noah can’t shuttle her everywhere, since he’s working every day to save up to become a “hotel owner.”

Next we head over to Virginia, where Kiaya reminds viewers that her home life–- specifically the living situation between herself, her mom, Tiffany, and girlfriend, Teazha–- is going well, but maybe not for long. Her son’s father, X’Zayveon, is being released from the slammer within the year, forcing Kiaya & Co. to deal with both him and his mom, Carla. 

Kiaya recounts how “difficult” the situation has been with Mama Carla in the past, with previous face-to-face interactions nearly becoming fist-to-fist.

Fortunately, Kiaya says her relationship with Carla has improved recently, and the two are able to have a conversation without anyone coming close to catching a felony.

I think that’s nice…

Kiaya and her mom both hope things will continue to stay positive once Zay is a free man, though they acknowledge Zay needs to put some effort into his relationship with Amour, as Amour has no freaking clue who Zay is. 

Kiaya says she’s actually looking forward to Zay getting out of jail, but that’s easy to say when his release day is still about eight months away. 

Next, we head to Illinois to check in with Kayla. Like Kiaya, Kayla is also having baby grandmama drama, dealing with Luke‘s mother Noopie. Kayla’s son Izaiah’s birthday party is coming up, so she will have to see Noopie and Luke’s family again soon. She tells her friend Ivory that she hopes that her future relationship with Noopie “will go OK.”

Ivory, a true wordsmith with the ability to use a triple negative in one short sentence, tells Kayla that “don’t nobody say anything.” 

In addition, things between Kayla and Luke aren’t great either. “Don’t nobody say anything” when things aren’t going well, causing the couple to have communication issues (in addition to having Noopie stick her big ol’ head into their relationship, of course). 

Kayla is concerned that Luke will not want to be a dad to Izaiah if she were to break up with him, which would be devastating to the boy.

Kayla and Ivory go to— where else?— the park to talk about Luke and commit more grammar atrocities. 

Kayla says that, while Luke is a great dad to both kids, he’s not a great boyfriend. She decides she needs more time (and probably a few more filmed convos in parks) to decide what she wants to do about the relationship.

Meanwhile, in Ohio, Madisen is trying to find a new place for her, Camille and Christian to live. (It’s probably hard to find an apartment that will rent to a wolf man with a Nintendo controller glued to his paw…just sayin’.)

There’s only two weeks left until the family of three will be forced to live in a cave, unless Madisen can find a place for them to live. 

Once they find somewhere to live, they also have a lot of tasks to complete. Madisen is worried she’ll have to do “lots of big people stuff” like go to the post office and change their address…and stuff. 

Madisen is “filling” overwhelmed by all this “big people stuff” so she goes to her dad, Nick, to ask for help. Nick’s still not pleased that Madisen is staying with Christian, but she confirms that it’s just easier to move the whole family into one cave, rather than separate caves. 

Finally, we head to Oregon to check in on Brianna. She’s upset because Braeson always wants to stay with her mom instead of going home with her. Because of this, she is considering cutting the kid’s time with Grandma because she’s jealous.

Um…..

Brianna and her sister go out to dinner to talk crap on the grandma. Brianna says that no one ever thinks Braeson is her son (due to being….wait for it…’Young and Pregnant’) and that makes her mad. 

Brianna is nervous to tell her mother that she doesn’t want her to spend as much time with Braeson.

Back in BeaverVille, we are heading to the eyeglass store to pick up Rachel’s new contacts. (It’s riveting television over here, guys.) Noah offers to pay half of the $101 Rachel spent on her new eyes.

Later, Rachel tries on her new contacts and is surprised by how well she can see.

“Now I can see all the makeup smeared all over my face!” she says. “See, this is why I can’t put no contacts in, for real!” 

Rachel is bummed that her improved eyesight will result in her realizing that she needs to tone down the Wet ‘n’ Wild liquid eyeliner. She announces that she will only be wearing her contacts when she’s driving, because she’d rather be blind than see what her face actually looks like.

I think that’s nice…

Rachel can’t unsee what the new eyes have made her see, though. She goes on what may be one of the most-hilarious self-deprecating rants in ‘Teen Mom’ history. (To be clear, The Ashley doesn’t think it’s funny that Rachel is berating herself; however, her choice of random insults is pretty funny.)

“Look at these crusty ass, bumpkin ass ugly corn kernel teeth ass bitch!” she shouts.

Rachel tells Noah that having clear eyesight has made her self-conscious about her looks. She wishes she had stayed blind because now she’s got to fret about having teeth that look like vegetables…or something.

Noah may be a great boyfriend but he sure as hell sucks at being reassuring.

“Well, I think you still look fine…” he tells her. 

Meanwhile in Virginia, Kiaya says she knows she needs to do more to get Zay’s family involved in Amour’s life, since Zay can’t be that involved, what with him being behind bars and all. Kiaya is excited for Zay to get sprung from the clink, but only because it will mean she won’t have to deal with Zay’s mom Carla anymore.

We see Carla getting a special collect call from the pen from Zay. (He must have traded his Top Ramen noodle packs for some extra phone time that week.) Zay tells his mom after serving his time, he plans to go to college–- preferably one that’s out of state.

Um…slow your roll there, man. You should probably focus on getting to a place where you don’t have to “squat and cough” on the regular before you dream up all these plans to become Joe College.

Carla tries to remind Zay that he does have a kid. She asks him if he’s planning to wait until Amour is a certain age before leaving Virginia to pursue a college degree.

Carla tells Zay that he and Kiaya (and probably his parole officer?) need to have a conversation about his post-prison relocation plan, especially if he has his sights set on higher education outside of Virginia. Carla notes that Teazha needs to be included in these conversations, too, but Zay says he doesn’t want to talk to her. Carla argues otherwise and Zay assures his mom they’re all going to “get it together.” 

At that point, Zay runs out of prison phone quarters and gets disconnected. 

Later on, Kiaya has a similar conversation about Zay’s release with her mom and Teazha, revealing her upcoming plans to establish herself as Amour’s custodial parent–- a requirement in the state of Virginia. Kiaya also says she feels a lot of the responsibility to build the relationship between Amour and his father, as Zay hasn’t been able to do much from inside prison, save for a few random phone calls. 

As for Teazha, she feels she’s better prepared for Zay’s release than Kiaya and Tiffany are.

In an effort to better prepare on her part, Kiaya plans a time to speak with Zay later that week. During their conversation, Zay says hello to Amour and Kiaya tells Amour to say “hi daddy” back to him, which Amour excitedly does, clearly unaware of what he’s saying and more importantly, to whom he’s saying it.

Back in Illinois, it’s party time for Kayla, Luke and Izaiah!  They head to a sticky looking trampoline park where their families are setting up for the party. Despite her problems with Noopie, Kayla’s happy to see that Noopie showed up for Izaiah. 

All of a sudden, Ivory strides in, looking like she’s ready to box a grandma right there in the middle of the jumpy jumps. 

Kayla’s mom Jamie makes it known that she wants none of this tomfoolery, saying she just wants to stay out of everything.

They bring out the piñata, but there’s nowhere to hang it so Luke just holds it as dozens of sticky kids scream and swat at poor Buzz Lightyear until the candy falls out of his crotch.

Things went so well at the party that Noopie comes over the next day to help with the kids. Luke takes the opportunity to talk to his mom about the fight she had the year before with Kayla and Ivory. Luke suggestions that everyone squash their beef so that it’s not incredibly awkward every time they’re around each other.

Kayla suddenly appears in the yard where Noopie and Luke are talking. (Anyone else think ol’ Larry pushed her out the door so he didn’t miss the chance to get this A+ drama on-camera?) 

Noopie suggests that she and Kayla finish their conversation that “ended badly.” (And, of course, by “badly” she means with her attempting to rip off Kayla’s face.) 

Kayla agrees that they need to talk it out, and asks that Luke’s sister Chastity be present for the conversation, since she was there originally. Noopie agrees and Luke looks relieved.

We head back to Brianna’s segments, which are basically just Nyquil in television form. 

Brianna continues to get jealous whenever Braeson says he loves his grandma, so she talks to her mom about taking Braeson less.

Brianna tells her mom that she’s tired of not getting the “single mom” street cred, because she has a mom who helps her. She informs her mom that she wants to cut her overnights with Braeson. Brianna’s mom agrees but she is sad about it.

Next we head back to Ohio to see what Madisen’s up to. (At least her segments are a little more interesting, if only because Madisen’s dad always looks like he has to bite on a stick to keep himself from beating up Christian.) 

Anyway, Madisen and her stepmom go apartment hunting but are unsuccessful. (Cave for three, please!) 

Christina encourages Madisen to reconsider moving in with Christian, since she is already unhappy. She also encourages Madisen to make a Plan B for if  when this relationship goes belly-up. 

We check in with Rachel one more time. She had an early morning appointment at the DMV to try to take the test to get her drivers license but tells us she “decided not to go” because Noah would have had to get up early to drive her after working an overnight shift. (A future hotel owner never rests, apparently.) 

They show us the exterior of Steph’s Lil Trailer ‘o’ Horrors, with rusted out cars covered in weeds, an old satellite dish “setting” out on the porch and a bunch of dirty clothes (that we can assume are covered in assorted meat greases) scattered about the yard.

Stephanie watched Hazard the night before and she’s ding-damn TIRED! Apparently the kid enjoys going to bed at midnight and getting up at all hours of the night.

Rachel clears the dollar store My Little Pony toys and dirty socks and whatnot so that she can sit down on the couch. Stephanie tells Rachel that her daughter terrorized the house at 6 a.m. until everyone else got up.

Rachel begins to analyze all of the toys Hazelnut has. She points out several that are “her” toys.

“You do have half my toys! That teapot is mine!” Rachel– who is the mother— tells Hazzard. 

(I guess that’s what happens when you’re a teen mom: you have to share all your good toys with your damn kid!) 

Steph is not happy when she finds out that Rachel didn’t get her license and that she watched Haphazard for nothing! 

Stephanie asks Rachel if she’s “being productive,” and Rachel is downright offended that anyone would think she’s not keeping busy.

Stephanie tells the cameras that she’s tired (both literally and figuratively) of watching Rachel do nothing, and she wants to see her get her license and graduate from something. 

Finally, we head over to Noopie’s house, where she and Luke’s sister Chas are talking about how “poor” Luke looked past Kayla doing him wrong just so he could “keep his family” together. (Um, are we forgetting that Luke was shaking the sheets with random hoebags during all of this?) 

“As a woman, she also played on his emotions,” Noopie says, stating that Kayla dared to bring up the fact that Luke cheated on her while she was pregnant with their daughter. 

UMMMM!?!?

Chas and Noopie claim they “check” Luke just like they “check” Kayla. Hey, gals…how about you “check” yourselves out of the damn relationship and mind your business? Just a thought…

Chas says Kayla only wants to talk crap on Luke, and doesn’t want anyone else to talk crap on her. Noopie agrees, saying she only cares about Luke.

“I don’t give a f**k about a bitch!” Noopie says, oh-so-eloquently. “That’s my motherf**king son!” 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant!’ Click here to read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode! 

(Photos: MTV)