Watching Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant really takes The Ashley back to the good ol’ days of the ‘Teen Mom’ franchise: back when someone had a baby daddy in prison (or was in prison themselves— shoutout Amber!) Back in the days before everyone had podcasts, fights would just explode in the wood-paneled living rooms of these people’s homes. We got to watch the girls try to get apartments, despite their low work ethics and high fertility.

Watching ‘Young and Pregnant’ makes The Ashley feel like she’s recapping a 2012 episode of ‘Teen Mom.’ Such great memories…

Anyway, this episode kicks off in Virginia, where Kiaya is somehow just realizing she and her son Amour’s presently-imprisoned papa X’Zayveon aren’t on the same page when it comes to raising their son.

For instance, Kiaya wants to continue being a parent and Zay wants to move out of state and go to college after he’s sprung from the clink. Once he clips that court-ordered ankle monitor off his leg, he’s ready to become Joe College. (Bonus: he can teach his underage buddies how to make prison hooch in the dorm room toilet!) 

In the meantime, however, Zay remains in prison, and Kiaya remains fully focused on Amour, whose birthday is coming up. Kiaya tells her family she’s planning to invite Zay’s mom, Catch These Hands Carla, and she even wants to set up a video chat with Zay during the party. (That’s good thinking, Kiaya…have video evidence in case Carla’s fists come a’flyin’ at you in between the serving of the cupcakes and doing the piñata.) 

Kiaya says she wants to start making more of an effort to keep Amour in touch with Zay, at least while Zay is still in prison and unable to do it himself. Part of that effort includes maintaining a cordial relationship with Carla, which Kiaya continues to do by meeting Carla for lunch and personally inviting her to Amour’s upcoming shindig. 

Carla agrees with Kiaya that it’s important for their two families to get along for Amour’s sake, and she assures Kiaya there will be no hands to catch on her part when everyone is together. 

Like Kaiya, Carla also wonders how co-parenting will work between Kiaya, Teazha and Zay after Zay’s release. They both agree there’s enough love for Amour between everyone that they can get it together and make things work. 

Kiaya also tells Carla about her plan to set up a video chat with Zay and Carla tells her she’s tried to do it in the past and it didn’t work. Still, Carla insists Zay is doing what he needs to do to prepare for fatherhood.

Um…”prepare” for fatherhood!? This kid’s almost FOUR! I think that should have been done a long time ago, prison or not.

Over in Oregon, Brianna has settled into the new arrangement she made with her mom, in which her son Braeson spends one weekend night with his grandma, thus giving Brianna a full 24 hours to do nothing but think/talk/obsess about her ex boyfriend, Briggs. 

While talking–- about Briggs, who else?–- with her friend Ashley, Brianna slams her ex for being “inside so many people” while the two of them were supposedly in a relationship.

Ew. That’s a mental picture I didn’t need.

She then tells Ashley that she actually went back to him after knowing all of that. 

Ew again.

Apparently letting Briggs slide it inside after he’s been inside a bunch of randos grossed her out (go figure) and now Brianna claims she’s learned her lesson. She says that, even though she still has feelings for Briggs (and his overused pork sword), she’s moving on and focusing on healing. 

Next, we skip on down to BeaverVille, where Rachel is at the home of her boyfriend Noah‘s mom.

Rachel is stressing because she just found out that the ding-dang law has decided she is “ineligible” to get her drivers license, due to her getting caught driving without a license a few years ago. Rachel says that, although she’s come along way since her days as a joy-riding juvenile, she’s got to pay the price for what she did back then.

Malorie comes over and Rachel tells her all about her license debacle. Mal would rather talk about all of her recent travels, though, as she brags that she’s been to seven states already this year.

Rachel’s jealous of Malorie getting to go to all those damn states. She says she wishes she could just get in the ding-damn car and drive her way through the Bible Belt, but she can’t because of her problems with the law. (Apparently Rachel managed to get two tickets while she was out having a la-dee-dah-time driving without a license.)

Rachel says in order to get her license unsuspended (and stuff), she has to attend an eight-hour defensive driving course. Rachel says it’s no fair because she already did the class once before, but someone forgot to turn in the slip thingy to let the court know.

(Any guesses as to who, according to Rachel, forgot to turn it in? Her first name rhymes with “Meth-annie” and her last name is synonymous with a large, semi-aquatic rodent.)

Because Mama Beaver failed to turn in Rachel’s completion slip, Rachel now has to complete the class again.

Um…Rach? Maybe go look under Steph’s Lil Trailer ‘o’ Horrors. I’ll bet the slip is under there. Sure, it may be a bed for a family of field mice now but you can probably dig it out and turn it in.

Rachel is pissed. It’s been three years of trying to get her license, and every time “something” has stopped her. In fact, she realizes that her real trouble didn’t start until she moved in with Mama Beaver at the age of 13. Before that she was doing well in school, on her way to a “cheerleading scholarship” (um?) and everything. But that all came crashing down when she moved from her Nana’s house to Stephanie’s dam at the age of 14.

If it hadn’t been for Stephanie, Rachel says she would have been a driving, cheerleading college gal with no car seat in her backseat. But, alas, she did and now she’s trying to pick up the pieces of her life (and the rhinestones that have fallen off the side of her face). 

Next we head to Ohio, where Madisen is running out of time before she, her daughter and her burly baby daddy Christian will be forced to move into a car/a cave/the storage room at Christian’s favorite GameStop. 

Madisen admits that she had considered letting her dad Nick and stepmom Christina bail them out yet again, and she would have– except that Nick and Christina’s new home is not equipped to house them, Madisen, a kid and a big hairy guy. Plus, right now, the house is not finished, so that cave option is sounding pretty good.

Madisen’s having a hard time finding someone who will rent to her and her motley crew. They don’t have much money, and landlords probably ain’t too keen on the idea of an MTV film crew clomping through the house on the regular to film whatever dumpster fire situation is going on there.

FINALLY we get to the real showstopper of the episode, Kayla! This poor girl has been carrying the whole damn show on her back for the last few weeks, and this week is no different. We know that Kayla is about to possibly fight Noopie, but we have to sit through some boring stuff before we can see the Granny Boxing and whatnot.

Kayla just found out that ol’ Noop was talking crap on her during Iziah’s recent birthday party and she is not happy. She goes over to her mom Jaime‘s house to talk about it. She tells her mom that Noopie was crap-talking her with Nicole. (Apparently Nicole is Kayla’s stepmom who, along with Kayla’s dad and little sister, aren’t into being filmed for this abomination of a reality show. Go figure.)

Kayla says Noopie was calling her— and her side-eyeing pal Ivory— hoes. Kayla says that’s it’s fine for Noopie to call everyone hoes but it shouldn’t be happening while kids are digging Tootsie Pops out of the Toy Story piñata and stuff.

Kayla says Noopie was nyuckin’ it up the week before at her daughter Ariah’s party, leading Kayla to believe everything was fine between them. She was surprised to hear that Noopie still has bad feelings toward her and will be addressing this when she meets up with Noopie and Luke’s sister later.

Back in Virginia, Kiaya calls Zay to try to work out the video chat details, but Zay ends up going off on her about how many video chats they could’ve done in the past on birthdays, Father’s Day, etc.

UM…you could have been seeing the kid in person on birthdays, Father’s Day, etc. if you weren’t in prison, bro. Shut the hell up.) 

Kiaya (again) admits and apologizes for not making more of an effort, but she notes that Zay doesn’t really have a grasp on reality how much time and work she puts into taking care of their son, as well as how difficult it is to co-parent with someone in prison. 

Later that day, Kiaya tells Teazha about the chaotic conversation she had with Zay and Teazha says despite the drama, setting up the video chat is important because Amour is growing– not unlike Kiaya’s frustrations right now.

Over in Oregon, Brianna reveals to her friends while bowling that she got the “courage” to hop back onto a dating app, but after one dinner outing, she realized she just isn’t ready to get back out there and find a new man to disrespect her just yet. 

Brianna’s friends politely listen as she stresses how much she’s over Briggs, while simultaneously admitting she still sees his face and thinks of him on an almost daily basis. 

Nope…that’s not creepy at all.

After seemingly realizing how much of an issue her whole Briggsession is, Brianna makes an appointment with her therapist, whom she hasn’t spoken to in a while.

During the video chat, Brianna’s therapist suggests there may be patterns in Brianna’s garbage relationships, and her letting people take advantage of her kindness may relate to the situation with her dad. Brianna admits that her dad leaving and basically starting another family has often made her feel as though she and her mom weren’t enough. Brianna’s therapist tells her that just being more aware of these things could help her make changes in future relationships. 

Wait… A girl on a ‘Teen Mom’ show whose insecurities and inability to choose a good man stem from having daddy issues?! I find that hard to believe! 

Meanwhile in Tennessee, Rachel is having mama issues. She says that ding-dang Stephanie keeps causing problems for her. She says she’s not down with going to family therapy with Steph, because she knows they’ll end up screaming at each other, and the whole Beaver clan might end up on an episode of Cops.

Stephanie and her live-in soulmate, Mike, are out on the trailer porch, scratchin’ and chattin’ about Rachel. 

Stephanie says that Rachel gets on her nerves because she talks too loud. 

UMMMM….well if that ain’t the possum calling the squirrel roadkill.

Stephanie then screams that she thinks that “her and Rachel’s mentals” would be better if they went to family therapy but Rachel disagrees. Stephanie does throw some credit toward Noah and his mom, though, stating that Rachel is calmer than she’s ever been, now that she’s been hanging out with them.

Stephanie says Rachel going to therapy wouldn’t be the worst thing.

Steph says that, even if Rachel doesn’t want therapy, she feels that she could benefit from it herself. She is trying to come to terms with the rats’ nest she made out of her kids’ childhoods.

Rachel meanwhile is trying to wrangle her youngin, Hassle, while also figuring out how to convince “the law” that she should have a license. She’s surprised to learn that her health insurance doesn’t count for car insurance.

JESUS GOD LEAH.

In Ohio, times are desperate. Madisen and Christian are just driving willy-nilly around town, looking for homes for rent. Madisen’s stepmom tells her that she spotted a place, so she goes over there to get the details on what I’m sure is a stunning abode. 

“Is it nice?” Madisen asks.

“Um…you’ll like it,” Christina replies.

That sounds…reassuring.

Christina said that the landlord is willing to rent to them, so Madisen rejoices and vows to rent it, even though she hasn’t seen the place. (But, hey, it beats living in a cave…probably.) 

Madisen and her crew can move in right away.

“So we got it figured out basically!” Madisen says proudly.

Well…Christina did. 

Later, Nick expresses his worry that Madisen (and her lug of a sorta-boyfriend) are relying too much on him and Christina. His views on Christian have changed though; he says he approves of him and Madisen trying to make it work…as long as there are “no more babies” coming in the near future.

Dun.Dun.Dunnnnn

(You can all see where this is going, no?) 

A few days later, Madisen is moving into her new house. She’s relieved to have a place to live— and one that doesn’t even have any chalk outlines of bodies on the floor! She’s nervous about having her name on all the bills and whatnot, but she feels like she’s ready for “grown up” stuff. 

Back in Illinois, it’s time for THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY!

Well…the fight of the episode at least. The Ashley is ready to ruuuuumble when it comes to watching grannies who are unable to control their emotions. It’s fun for everyone!

Kayla senses that her “talk” with Noopie and Chas will “not go well.” (We can assume that she suited up in full catcher’s gear before throwing on a Fashion Nova sweatshirt over everything. Safety first!) 

Luke and Kayla (and probably half a swat team or so) arrive at Noopie’s house to “talk.” Kayla’s upset about Noopie talking crap about her behind her back, and she intends to let her know it!

Chas is already there, sporting the same T-shirt Noopie was wearing last episode that features a cartoon drawing of Luke’s other sister playing basketball. (Is this like the chicken shirt that every character eventually wore on Roseanne? This shirt is getting passed around more than Javi Marroquin among female MTV reality stars!) 

Everyone mumbles greetings to one another and I’m getting so excited for the upcoming brawl that I have to breathe into a paper bag.

Noopie says that, last conversation, she and Kayla stated that their beef was going to be squashed. Chas agrees, saying that if Luke loves Kayla, then they love her too.

Um…SINCE WHEN?

Chas says that, if Luke and Kayla want to stay together, they need to make sure their relationship is healthy.

Noopie proclaims herself to be “a protector” and states that she’d protect Luke from Kayla’s wrongdoings, just as she would protect Kayla from Luke’s wrongdoings.

UM….SINCE WHEN?!?!?

Chas tells Kayla that she needs to move past Luke’s cheating. Kayla says that it’s not fair that they keep bringing up her indiscretions but she can’t bring up Luke’s. Besides, Kayla says, Luke is no longer mad about what she did, but Noopie and Chas still are. Noopie seems upset that Luke isn’t upset. Noopie insists that she would have stood up for Kayla just like she stood up for Luke, had the situation been reversed.

(Hey there, Noop? Why don’t you ‘stand up’ and march yourself right out of your grown son’s business instead?)

Kayla’s like, “Um, yeah, that’s all well and good but…why were you talking smack about me while slopping down cupcakes at my son’s party last week?” 

I can not breathe guys. 

I legit haven’t been this excited since Matt Baier and Michael Abraham were boxing at that Teen Mom OG Reunion while Farrah bugged out her eyes and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

Anyway, Luke brings up the fact that Noopie was talking to Nicole about Kayla. 

“Because I wanted to!” Noopie says when asked for an explanation.

Everyone begins talking over each other like they’re on an episode of Jerry Springer. 

“BITCH I DON’T GIVE A F**K!” Noopie— who, remember is a grandmother, screams.

“Do not call me a bitch! What the f**k is your problem!?” Kayla yells back.

(I’ve got to give it to Kayla, man. This woman outweighs her by a couple hundred pounds and has a backup next to her but Kayla was unbothered and did not FLINCH.) 

Soon, chaos erupts. There are bad words, legs and cartoon basketball shirts flying everywhere. A security guard tackles Chas, who, for some reason, is just screaming and waving her arms at nobody. 

Kayla is just standing there as these grown women scream and cuss at her and attempt to turn her into a pancake. 

Noopie starts yelling at Luke and calling him stupid. Kayla barely looks at Noopie, who is just feet from her and ready to maul her like a pitbull.

Luke and Kayla storm out the door, but Noopie and Chas continue to yell.

“YOU AND I COULD DO BUSINESS, HO!” Chas screams to Kayla.

The security guards are just looking at them like, “Can we be done now?” but Noopie and Chas are still yelling and showing us their midriffs. They decide to take the fight outside (yesss) and Kayla yells that she doesn’t care what they have to say.

Noopie is legit charging Kayla like a disturbed rhino, as the security guards (who had stopped to take a breather when they thought the fight was over) are rushing behind to tackle her and keep her from ripping Kayla’s face off on-camera.

Everyone’s tackling everyone but unfortunately it’s dark so everything’s done in the shadows. (Umm…MTV can you borrow one of those night cams from Survivor next time?! This is the most-interesting thing that’s ever happened on this show and we can barely see it!) 

Noopie keeps screaming that Kayla’s a bitch, and Kayla remains TOTALLY UNBOTHERED. 

“Yeah. I’m a bitch. Right,” she says calmly, which seems to infuriate Noopie even more. 

“He not gonna leave me!” Kayla shouts. “That’s what y’all fail to understand. He LOVE me. He love me.” 

IT HURTS SO GOOD! 

Kayla and Luke hop in the car and drive away as Noopie is screaming about Kayla being a bitch. The headlights fade away as Noopie continues to wail as only a woman who got completely owned by a 20-something girl could do. 

The Ashley apologizes for not recapping this show from the beginning! This show is amazing! 

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s previous episode recap, click here!

(Photos: MTV)