Welcome back to Teen Mom Trashville, my crappy TV loving friends! This week on Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant, we’re dealing with one big proposal, two prison-dwelling Papas and a what may be one of the dumbest procreation-themed speeches every uttered on “Teen Mom.”

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

We kick this episode off in Illinois with Kayla. Is she talking to Noopie? Nope(y). Kayla is, however, trying to work things out with Luke. In fact, Luke even tells Kayla that he doesn’t mind signing a new lease on an apartment and being “stuck” with her for at least another year.

I think that’s nice…

Kayla, however, does have some doubts about the relationship. She doesn’t, like, want, like, the same problems following them into, like, the new house…and stuff. Luke reassures her that it will be fine for them to be “stuck” together in an apartment for another year.

Luke says that they’re “great together.” Except for when he was out, you know, slamming clams while Kayla was knocked up with his child…and stuff. 

Later, since Luke is not currently welcome in Casa De Noopie, he goes over to his friend Coach‘s house to have producer-encouraged conversations about his future with Kayla. 

Coach immediately asks how Luke’s mom is.

Luke briefly catches Coach up, informing him that Noopie (and his sis Chas) tried to open a can of whoop ass on Kayla when she dared to call Noopie out for talking crap on her at the Scooby Doo birthday party. 

Luke tells Coach being a “family man” has brought him a “new happiness” that only children (and, you know, those MTV paychecks) can bring. 

Luke says that, even though he doesn’t know what he wants to do about his relationship with Kayla, he wants to show her that he (probably) won’t bang any randos anymore. He says he wants to show Kayla that she is what he wants for the rest of his life (even though he literally just said he’s not sure where he wants their relationship to be.) 

Meanwhile in Ohio, a newly pregnant Madisen has discovered she’s bleeding.  She’s obviously very scared and upset so she heads to the ER with her stepmom Christina. Madisen pulls out her cell phone and records herself in the ER after she’s told she is likely miscarrying. 

Obviously there is nothing funny about this situation, so The Ashley is just going to skip right along…

Later, Madisen tells Christian that she’s surprised that he was actually supportive through her miscarriage. (Apparently she’s used to just grunts and bodily functions coming out of Christian, so him saying kind things must have been a surprise for Madisen.) 

Madisen and Christian both say they were happy about the pregnancy, even though it was a surprise. 

Next, we head to Beaverville to see what Rachel and the rest of those rascally Beavers are up to! 

We find out that Drew— the legally challenged father of Rachel’s daughter Hastely— has been sprung from the clink after being locked up for over a year. While an occasion such as a prison release would normally warrant Steph & Co. to go on down to the Dollar General and spring for a bouquet of “Welcome Home” balloons (and maybe a stick of generic beef jerky), Rachel’s not feeling very festive this time.

Rachel isn’t sure if Drew is all hopped up on the prison hooch or whatnot. She’s also not sure if he should be allowed around Hazelberry, who has no clue who the hell he is. 

Rachel’s current suitor, Noah, doesn’t want jailbird Drew to influence Hazelnut.

Apparently, Drew’s shacking up in his camper, which was apparently his pre-prison drug den.

“The same camper that you’ve done loads and loads of drugs in!” Rachel says.

Rachel tells us that her own father never got his s**t together for her. (We can assume that whatever outstanding citizen that Steph procreated with was a frequent visitor to some of the finest correctional facilities that this country has to offer.) Rachel says she hopes that Hassley can have a relationship with Drew.

Next we check in with Kiaya, who is also having problems with an imprisoned Papa. (Don’t ya hate when that happens?!) She is still annoyed that Zay’s mom, Chaos Causin’ Carla, was going around telling people–- including Kiaya’s mom, Tiffany–- that Zay and Kiaya were in a serious relationship when Amour was conceived.

How dare Carla imply that they were anything more than bang buddies who smashed pissers on occasion!? THE ABSOLUTE NERVE! 

Kiaya decides to be the bigger person and go through with the plan to let Zay video chat with Amour, but only because it’s Zay’s birthday. (Amour seems to have no clue who Zay is, or that it’s his birthday. However, there appears to be graham crackers in it for the boy, so he’s down to wish his dad a happy birthday if it means he’ll get a snack.) 

Kiaya and Teazha hope that Amour will be able to “comprehend” what the hell is going on when Zay calls, but something tells us Amour already has a good grasp on the situation. 

When it’s finally time for the video call to happen, Kiaya brings the phone and Amour upstairs, only to realize Zay isn’t logged on to receive the call. 

Over in Oregon, Brianna decides she wants to mend the relationship with her friend Ashley, who she got into a fight with recently after Ashley backed out on plans to watch Brianna’s son, Braeson. 

Brianna’s sister thinks Ashley and Brianna tend to butt heads because their friendship expectations are too high (not to mention they are both immature, despite the fact that one of them is responsible for another living being).

For example, Ashley expects Brianna to be a good friend and Brianna expects Ashley to give her a bunch free childcare. 

Brianna tells her sister she’s supposed to practice being assertive– per her therapist– but notes she can’t fix her friendship with Ashley by herself. 

UGH. This is about as boring as watching Kail ramble on about wallpaper lines or Chelsea talk about Aubree’s cell phone. Call me when Brianna and Ashley are hitting each other on the head with drumsticks, or charging each other on the Reunion stage, trying to rip each other’s faces off as Dr. Drew tucks himself into the fetal position underneath his interview chair. 

Now that’s must-see TV! 

Back in Ohio, Madisen is wondering why her father, Nick, hasn’t contacted her since she miscarried. Nick was unaware that Madisen had been pregnant again until she called Christina to take her to the hospital.

We get to hear Nick and Christina’s side of things. Nick says he can’t believe how dumb it was for Madisen and Christian to continue to fornicate without protection (even though they don’t even like each other!) 

Nick points out that Madisen and Christian barely have a home, have little to no money, and are basically living together so their kid isn’t homeless. It’s hardly an ideal situation to bring yet another child into. (I can’t imagine the hate sex is really worth it?) 

Nick says he’s keeping his distance from his daughter because he knows he won’t be able to hold his tongue around her and he doesn’t want to get into a fight. He would also like Madisen and Christian to explore the wonderful world of contraception, but knows that is unlikely. 

Madisen is hurt and pissed that her dad’s ignoring her. Finally, him and Christina agree to come over. They bring lunch but Madisen is still giving them the stink eye. (Christian, meanwhile, grunts a thank you their way. No matter how mad Madisen is, there’s no way he’s turning down free grub.) 

Christina starts it off by saying she was shocked to find out Madisen was pregnant again.  She gently says that adding a new baby on top of the mess that is Madisen and Christian’s life/relationship/living situation would made things even worse.

Madisen argues that she could have handled it. 

“I feel like I have laid down in the bed. I did the work to make the baby. I can do the work to provide for the baby,” Madisen says.

When Christina suggests that maybe Madisen get herself on birth control, she legit laughs at her.

“Um, no, I ain’t goin’ on birth control!” Madisen declares before saying she doesn’t want to talk about sex in front of her dad and stepmom. 

Madisen is not getting it. Finally Nick just starts yelling “CONDOMS!” 

“And how are those exactly safe?” Madisen responds. “They don’t always work!”

Christina points out that there are “other options” to keep Madisen and Christian from having a litter of caveman Oopsie Babies. 

“I mean, the pull out method has got us this far!” Madisen responds proudly.

Madisen brags that she and Christian have been proud puller-outers for almost five years and they’ve “only” had two unplanned pregnancies!

“I think that’s pretty damn good.” 

I CAN’T….

Christina looks like she’s about to chew her own arm to keep from telling Madisen what she’s really thinking. 

Nick tells them that they’re stupid for not trying to prevent another pregnancy. Madisen says Nick can only put his “two cents in” about their pull-out game if they tell him they’re trying for another baby. (I think Nick put way more than two cents into Madisen and her over-active baby chute but OK…)

Madisen then yells at her dad for not being more sympathetic about her miscarriage.

Back in Oregon, we are still be forced to watch Brianna complain about her friends. (I don’t know which is which. They all have bad eyelash extensions so I can’t keep them straight.) 

Brianna invites her friend Madi (and her spider lashes) over so she can catch her up on all the non-drama going on with Ashley.

Brianna says she met Madi in a coffee shop and they immediately hit it off because Madi blames any and all of Brianna’s shortcomings on Brianna’s age, which makes Brianna feel better about herself. Madi is also a valuable friend because she’s able to keep a straight face when Brianna accuses Ashley of being as much of a terror as Brianna’s scrub-of-an-ex, Briggs. 

Madi tells Brianna that her feelings are completely valid and not at all over exaggerated for the sake of a storyline, which fuels Brianna’s ill feelings towards her friendship with Ashley even more. 

Brianna finally reaches out to Ashley via text in an effort to pick up some of the actual dirty laundry she left at her house. Instead of welcoming Brianna with a stack of freshly fluffed and folded clothing, Ashley tells Brianna her belongings are still in the corner of her house where Brianna left them. 

Later on, Brianna tells her mom that her friendship with Ashley has ended and she proceeds to give her mom a run-down of the argument the two of them had over text, in which Ashley told Brianna she feels sorry for Braeson. 

Meanwhile in Virginia, Kiaya reaches out to Carla to see if she knows what the hell happened to Zay and why he “no showed” on their prison video chat.

Carla informs Kiaya that Zay is “in the hole,” but she has no information as to why he was sent there. 

(For those of you who haven’t spent time in “gel”— or haven’t been recapping ‘Teen Mom’ shows for over a decade– and have no idea what “the hole” is, it’s when an inmate is placed in solitary confinement as a punishment and does not get his usual privileges.) 

Carla also tells Kiaya that Zay still has to go to court to find out if he’s going to be released as planned. Despite Zay currently being held in the hole, Carla is confident that Zay will get an early release due to his allegedly good behavior.

Um…?

Kiaya tells Carla to let her know what’s going on as soon as she finds out, adding that she’s always kept out of the loop when it comes to Zay getting into trouble. 

Later on, Kiaya tells her mom about Zay screwing up their plans to video chat. Tiffany tells Kiaya and Teazha that Zay needs to get his act together before he’s released because she’s not going to allow her grandson to be around any potentially dangerous activity. 

UM…?!

Tiffany and Teazha stress to Kiaya how important it is for her to establish custody of Amour prior to Zay’s release– which we thought Kiaya said she was doing, like, 3 episodes ago?– to ensure Zay will bring Amour back home after visits. Kiaya agrees and says (again) that she will establish custody ASAP. The whole situation leaves Tiffany stressing out even more about Zay’s impending prison release. 

Back in Illinois, it’s the six month anniversary of Kayla’s abortion. She is approaching what would have been her due date had she continued the pregnancy, so she’s feeling down. She’s also feeling guilty, so she talks to her mom Jaime about everything. 

“I feel like I don’t have that right to grieve because it’s a decision that I made,” Kayla says.

Kayla says that this situation is adding to the stress and pain that is stacked against her and Luke’s relationship. Jaime doesn’t even pretend she wants Kayla and Luke to stay together. She tells Kayla that she needs to separate from Luke (and his mom and sister’s fists-o-fury) for a while. Kayla agrees, saying time apart may be the best thing for everyone.

Over in BeaverVille, Drew must have used some tinfoil bunny ears on top of his camper to pick up a Wi-Fi signal because he’s been texting Rachel a lot, asking to see Hazmat. Rachel finally agreed, provided that Drew doesn’t mention that he is the kid’s fresh-from-the-slammer father.

Afterward, Rachel says the visit went well, and she’s hoping it will motivate Drew to keep his nose clean and his hands out of cuffs! 

The next day, Rachel’s all dressed up one of Gwen Stefani‘s Harajuku Girls.

She tells her sister Malorie that she told Hassle that Drew was just her friend because she’s scared that the child will get attached to Drew and then he’ll just be back in prison, living that chain gang life.

Later, Rachel says she has not heard from Drew since the day he came to see Hazely. Rachel tells Noah that he’s basically Hasty’s dad so there’s no need to rock the boat by adding Drew into their life. 

We check in with Kayla one last time. It is Kayla’s birthday so she puts on a dress that must have used previously as a bad Janet Jackson costume or something. Luke is taking Kayla on the Rhythm Nation Tour to dinner.

He’s gone all out– booking a private room and covering the floor with rose petals. He tells Kayla that he feels like they “done been through the hell already” in their relationship, so it can only be up from here.

“Nothing worse can happen,” Kayla adds.

(Um….the last time we heard those words, they were being uttered by a teenage pregnant Jenelle Evans…and we all saw how that went.) 

Luke begins to look sweaty, and we aren’t sure if he ate some bad mac ‘n’ cheese or if he has big plans for this night. Kayla calls him out for being “fidgety” and tells him to knock it off. 

The waiter arrives with Kayla’s ice cream. It’s literally one scoop in a dish but they’ve got this triumph music playing in the background. All hail the French Vanilla! 

We then get a closer look at the dessert. It is sitting on a plate that reads “Will you marry me?” in vanilla syrup and next to a ring. 

We’ll have to wait until next episode to hear Luke’s proposal. 

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant’ recap, click here!

(Photos: MTV)