It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant where the baby daddies are jailed, the relationships are bad and the uterii are always active! 

We kick things off in Illinois, where a fidgety Luke is about to propose via free dessert. Kayla gets a glimpse at ring, and then Luke comes around and grabs her hand and lays it on thicker and sweeter than the white chocolate syrup used to write “Will You Marry Me?” 

He begins his spiel, telling her how much he loves her. Kayla, clearly a lady in love, keeps saying, “Don’t do this!”

Tale as old as time…

Despite Kayla’s pleas for him to put a plug in the proposal, Luke keeps on going, finally asking her if she’ll marry him. Kayla just chuckles nervously, but finally agrees. I mean, she did birth his child, almost fight his mom and sister and get him a “job” on a TV show. She may as well…

Kayla marvels at how big the diamond is, and Luke says it’s only the best (that the salary of someone in the role of ‘Baby Daddy #2’) can buy for her. (Somewhere in Illinois, Noopie‘s head is exploding over the fact that Luke spent his MTV money on a ring for Kayla…and that he didn’t even bother to wear a shirt with his sister’s basketball photo on it during the proposal.) 

They exchange “I love yous” and “thank yous” (um?) before Kayla musters all her strength to pull her mouth into a smile. She manages to let out a half-ass “wow.” 

Luke is sitting there, looking all proud that his white chocolate proposal went so well. Kayla, meanwhile, seems very conscious of the fact that just days earlier they were talking about not even staying together. 

This proposal is more awkward than even the most-awkward of Amber Portwood‘s many proposals. (Like even the one where she kicked Gary back down to the sand and told him to propose again and this time do it with feeling, even as he sunk into the quicksand below him.) 

Kayla says that she is going to wait a long time to get married, and that this can be considered a “new chapter” for them— one where no one cheats, no one bangs their exes and no one’s mother tries to sit on anyone.

Kayla later tells the camera that, even though she told Luke ‘yes,’ she knows she’s not in a place to get married. In fact, she admits she only said yes because she didn’t want to say no. (I mean…they already made the dessert plate and everything…)

It’s just like ‘The Notebook,’ ain’t it?

Kayla and Luke head back to Kayla’s mom Jaime‘s house to pick up the kids and tell Jaime about Luke’s proposal (and Kayla’s lukewarm acceptance).

As you’ll remember, Jaime had recently recommended to Kayla that she split with Luke because their relationship is a whole hot mess. She is less-than-thrilled to hear about the engagement but does her best to pretend that she doesn’t think this will end in restraining orders.

Jaime is relieved when Kayla says that they’re “not, like, getting married, like, soon.” 

Next, we head over to Beaverville to see what Rachel and her clan are up to.

MTV always finds the most, um, interesting B-roll footage to run for Rachel’s segments, such as this jewel.

Rachel and Hangly are at Noah‘s mom’s house. Noah is leaving to go pursue his hotel-owner dreams, and the kid screams “Bye, dad!” as he leaves. Rachel tells us she feels lucky that Hazelnut has Noah to call dad, since her real father– the fresh-from-the-slammer Drew— has been M.I.A. since he saw his daughter a few weeks earlier.

Rachel tells us that, although Noah is doing a great job taking care of her kid, driving her all over the ding-dang holler, and filming with her for this horrendous show, she’s still not happy because Noah’s not very romantic.

Maybe it’s been a few months since he fired up the microwave and tossed in not one but two Hot Pockets and then whipped out the discarded meth pipe they found ’round back of the local Dollar General and lit it up and had a proper candlelight dinner?

Rachel tells us that she was desperately trying to get Noah to flirt with her and ask her to be his Valentine.

Noah didn’t seem to realize that Rachel was trying to secure herself a little Valentine’s pickle tickle, because he told her she is his “Valentine by default.” 

She is not amused (and probably also not sure what ‘default’ actually means.) 

She tells us that it “like sucks…like for real” that she never gets flirted with…and stuff.

The fact that her sister Malorie is dating a new boo who gives her Valentines and takes her to seven states and even springs for the occasional Waffle House two-for-one makes Rachel jealous. 

Mal and Rachel discuss Malorie’s new relationship (and Rachel’s dam damn $120 damn dollar space boots).

Malorie tells Rachel that her new beau, Achilles (no…really) is quite the romantic, unlike the heels she’s dated in the past. (I had to make at least one Achilles pun. I’m done now…probably.) Mal says that, in addition to being “really, really hot” Achilles is also good to her daughter Emerson.

“I definitely have more feelings for him than, like, any other dude my whole entire life,” Mal says.

Rachel sits down later and tells us that she knows she and Noah will last (spoiler alert: they don’t) but it would be nice if he tossed her a compliment on her face and/or space boots every once in a while. 

This episode we find Kiaya heading to the courthouse with Teazha to finally establish custody of Amour– something Kiaya has been talking about since the beginning of the season. For the umpteenth time, Kiaya reminds viewers that in the state of Virginia, “no one technically has custody” until it is legally established, so she wants to make it official before Zay is released from prison and tries to snatch away custody. 

After leaving the courthouse, Kiaya is pleasantly surprised by how simple the process was.

Kiaya says she has to let Zay know about the custody situation because he’s going to be served, and she doesn’t want him to jump to conclusions– or jump a fellow inmate in anger– when he does. 

Later on, Kiaya’s mom, Tiffany, asks if she’s heard from Zay since he got himself thrown in the hole and wasn’t able to video chat with Amour. Kiaya says she hasn’t heard from Zay in a while, but he has a tendency to not reach out for weeks at a time. Still, Tiffany is curious as to what Zay did to get himself in trouble recently.  

Over in Oregon, Brianna has a new job at an eye doctor’s office and has made a new friend named Hailey. She’s invited her over so Brianna has something to talk about this episode to talk about their future careers. 

Both Hailey and Brianna are excited about their respective jobs, with Hailey in particular being pretty pumped about all of the eye-related education she’s been receiving while working in optical.

While Brianna doesn’t get to be around Hailey’s beloved eye parasites, she still has an interest in working in the field in the future, especially if it means trying on glasses all day. 

Feeling a bit more enthusiastic about the field of optometry, Hailey suggests she and Brianna become certified technicians together, to which Brianna agrees before talking about how hard school is. Fortunately for Bri, her mom is more available to help out now, so she should be able to use her for unlimited and free babysitting. 

Later on, Brianna says her bosses offered to pay for her to be certified in optical, but she says she still needs time to think about it. 

Brianna meets up with her sister Vanessa to hear about her experience returning to school many years after graduating from high school. Vanessa tells Brianna she’s written two whole essays and taken three quizzes this week, to which Brianna tells her “that’s terrible.” 

That’s the spirit, Bri! 

Brianna goes on to fill Vanessa in on her optometry offer, revealing she plans to look into it more, but is confident she could have a career in that field without getting bored. Especially if she gets a solid discount on all those glasses.

Honestly, I’m all for anything that gives Brianna something to talk about during her segments. When eye parasites are the most-interesting thing the chick has talked about in like three episodes, you know there’s a problem. 

Over in Ohio, Madisen is “filling” bad about how her father Nick treated her after her miscarriage. She says this is bringing back “fillings” from her childhood when her dad would be off for months at a time, working. (I know “working” is still a strange concept to the people on this show.) 

Madisen says she always felt alone growing up, and now she’s feeling alone again. Luckily, she has her sorta boyfriend Christian to comfort her. (And by “comfort” obviously we mean grunt in response to whatever she says.) Madisen suspects that her dad was mad that she was irresponsible enough to get pregnant again and that’s why he was acting the way he was.

Christian, the Prince of Poorly Timed Pull-Outs, grunts that he is surprised that Nick spends more time with his new wife than Madisen. 

Back in Beaverville, Rachel is still itching for love. (To be fair, though, the itching may be caused by something she picked up while visiting her mom’s trailer.) She and Noah drive around, stuffing Chic-fil-A into their gullets, talking while greasy fries mash around in their mouths. (Who says romance is dead?!) 

Rachel complains to Noah about how stale their relationship is and how they don’t get to spend time together.

She suggests they move out of Noah’s mom’s house and into their own place. Noah, knowing that he will have to shell out for this “place” almost completely on his own, is not thrilled with the idea. 

“I just need my own space!” Rachel tells him. 

Um…?

She then basically invites herself on a dinner date with Noah. 

“Should we go out to eat?” she asks Noah as he inhales his waffle fries.

Noah doesn’t pick up on Rachel’s sexy time advances. Instead, he suggests that their Valentine’s Day plans include Hazmat. 

Rachel tells us that she longs for the days where her boyfriends were “obsessive a little bit.” I mean, is there really even love in a relationship if someone doesn’t have to eventually be court-ordered to stay 500 feet away from you, your family and your personal belongings? 

Back in Illinois, a newly engaged Kayla looks miserable. She tells us that she knows she should be excited about her engagement but instead she’s feeling depressed and anxious when she thinks about marrying Luke.

“When you get proposed, it’s supposed to be a happy thing, and it’s not,” Kayla tells us. 

Kayla says she had hoped to get “proposed” (um?) when she and Luke were in a good place, and not when their relationship was already in the garbage disposal. 

She tells Therapist Sierra that she’s been stressed out about her relationship for the last year…well, actually the whole time she’s been with Luke. She then tells the therapist about all the banging they did behind each other’s backs.

By this point, Therapist Sierra doesn’t even try to hide her true feelings.

“We’re actually engaged!” Kayla says with a giggle.

“Oh, LORD!” Sierra replies. 

Kayla then says she is preparing to become a single mom because she and Luke both know that their relationship– engagement or not— is in the driveway Porta-Potty. Siera wants to know why the hell they’d get engaged when their relationship is in the crapper.

Later— despite the fact that Luke and Kayla aren’t even sure if they like each other anymore– they take the kids and do an engagement photoshoot which they plan to “eventually” use to announce the news on social media. 

They then argue about whether or not Noopie and Luke’s family should be invited to this wedding that may or may not even happen.

Back in Virginia, Kiaya calls Carla to find out what the hell her hole-dwelling baby daddy is up to, and to break the news that she’s already established custody of Amour. During the call, Carla cuts Kiaya off mid-sentence and tells her Zay is under restriction and can’t make calls at the moment. As the conversation continues, Carla and Kiaya talk about Zay’s  court date and Carla asks if Kiaya is showing Amour an up-to-date picture of Zay– you know, one that includes his latest face tattoos. 

Carla says that no one better judge Zay for what he has chosen to permanently scrawl across his face. Oh, don’t worry Carla, they’ll likely judge him for being a convicted felon, a deadbeat dad and a general nuisance to society. The face tats are the least of his worries!

Kiaya says Zay will need to work some sort of job, but  Carla assures her that Zay knows how to make money because “he’s a street boy.” 

I think that’s nice…

Carla then goes in on Kiaya about how she shouldn’t judge Zay for his hoodlum past, arguing that Kiaya wants Zay to be a certain kind of way. (Not imprisoned, we presume?)

Kiaya tells Carla it isn’t about what she wants, it’s about what their son needs, adding that she doesn’t need any financial help from Zay, whether his cash is coming from the streets or anywhere else. Carla isn’t having it, and continues to defend her son and his (likely) lifetime stay in Club Fed. 

Carla yells at Kiaya for “second guessing” Zay’s ability to take care of Amour when he gets out. The same Amour who couldn’t pick his dad out of a lineup and hasn’t seen a dime from his prison-bound pops since he was born. 

Kiaya tells Teazha that her phone call with Carla has her questioning Zay and his family being around Amour once he’s released, mostly because of his plan to continue with the “street nonsense.”

Over in Ohio, Madisen is still waiting for her dad to reach out to her because she feels she deserves an apology for her dad thinking she was dumb to get knocked up again. Nick and his wife Christina go out to dinner to discuss Madisen and her overactive uterus and all the problems it’s caused the family. 

Later, Nick breaks down and comes over to talk to Madisen. She goes in on him for not supporting her through her pregnancy with Camille. Nick’s like, “um, sorry I’m not going to pretend I was happy you got knocked up.” 

She starts dragging out all her childhood drama and Nick’s not having it. He tells her to let it go, and is clearly annoyed that she’s chosen a time where MTV cameras are rolling to talk about this decade-old crap.

In Beaverville, Rachel’s trying to love Noah because Hassle is already calling him Daddy and he treats her well. Somehow, Rachel has convinced Noah to apply for their own apartment (even though he will be carrying most of the financial load of the new place). He does not look happy. 

Rachel insists she “got money” and is pitching in (thanks, MTV!) She says she’s getting her own (dam) apartment, no matter what!

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant.’ To read more of The Ashley’s recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)