On this episode of Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant, it seems that we will be checking off all of the key things that we fans have come to expect from a ‘Teen Mom’ episode: Someone is moving into a new place, someone is breaking up with their baby daddy and someone’s baby daddy is going (back) to prison! It’s rare that we are blessed with an episode that comes complete with all three key things– plus an argument about processed meat to boot! Let’s get started!

We kick this crapisode off in Ohio, where Madisen has made amends with her father, Nick…kind of. (Well…she’s made up with him enough that he’s willing to watch her kid.) And, because this is not Teen Mom OG or Teen Mom 2— where the girls are buying mansions, new inflated body parts and 24-carat gold chandeliers for their garages and whatnot— Madisen and Christian are struggling financially. Christian is slinging dranks at the local Gulp ‘n’ Guzzle, but that’s hardly paying for all the family’s expenses.

They are trying to decide which of their bills and expenses to pay. Madisen suggests they purchase groceries.

Naturally, Christian is most-concerned that the family has an ample supply of processed “meat packs” to get them through until payday. Madisen is crossing her fingers she can get some coffee, if those “meat peaks” don’t take up all their ding-damn money.

They soon begin to argue about which store they will procure the meat packs at. Madisen— a classy broad— wants to shop at the Dollar General market, while Christian wants to go to the cheapest store where he can “buy the cheapest s**t.”

Mmmm…he makes it sound so appetizing: a meat pack described as “the cheapest s**t.” Yum, yum!

Christian says he’s not about to spend his last ding-dang dollar at the high-falutin’ Dollar General, thank you very much. 

“There’s no sense in spending hella extra money whenever I can buy the s**t cheaper!” Christian proclaims.

(All kidding aside, it’s nice to actually watch a show about teen parents struggling with bills. It’s been about a decade since the original ‘Teen Mom’ stars have had to worry about having enough money to pay for bills. Watching people deciding between a white Range Rover or a black one– and then buying both— got old really fast.) 

Next, we head to Oregon. After spending a whopping one episode discussing her future career plans, Brianna has decided to hold off on school, despite the fact that her employer literally offered to pay for her to get educated. 

Brianna celebrates Valentine’s Day with her friend Madi. Brianna reveals to Madi that her ex-boyfriend Briggs unblocked her (!!!!) on social media and within minutes, she fell for his f**k boy ways. 

(Wait, so…does she just like randomly check daily to see if she has been given access to Brigg’s Instagram account, hoping beyond hope that she will be able to watch reels of him doing pushups for The ‘Gram, etc?) 

Naturally, the second she was given access to Brigg’s social media, she texts him. (As you do). Briggs actually responded. (He must have been taking a break from posting gym selfies on Tinder). He admits he still “watches” her social media (umm?) and finally tells Brianna he has a girlfriend, so nothing can happen between the two of them. 

While Brianna is annoyed by Briggs’ latest antics, she says it’s helped her realize Briggs isn’t the scumbag for her. Unfortunately, none of the scumbags she’s interacted with on dating apps as of late have been “the one” either, as they are looking for hookups and/or the opportunity to appear on a reality show with dwindling ratings.

Still, Brianna says she’s open to dating, because it’s not like she has anything else to do in her free time. EXCEPT GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR FREE!  

Next, we swing on down to BeaverVille. Rachel and Noah are fixin’ to get their own place. They decide to go check out a house that’s for rent. If they get this rental, Rachel’s daughter, HassleMe, can have her own room. This is great, since Rachel is hoping the privacy will encourage Noah to give her a pickle tickle now and then.

Noah, however, seems to want Hassock in her own room for less-selfish reasons. He just wants to give her more room to play, and doesn’t really seem all that interested in “playing” with Rachel in their private room.

Rachel tells us later that she’s sick of mooching off of other people and is dying to get her own space. (I give it three days until Rachel turns her rental into something that looks like a Lisa Frank warehouse threw up on it? I’m sure Noah can’t wait to chill in a living room with a giant rainbow unicorn mural on the wall.) 

She says that she is proud that she and Noah have made it so far in their relationship and assures us this is going to “be a long-term thing.” 

Over in Virginia, we are getting a break from Kiaya’s “establishing custody of Amour” storyline. Instead, they are working the “Teazha family drama” angle this week. 

“She hasn’t seen anyone in her family ever since they tried to fight me and I got arrested,” Kiaya tells us.

DON’T YA HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS?!

Teazha says that her mother hasn’t contacted her and, outside of her great-grandma, none of her family members have tried to get in touch.

Kiaya suggests that Teazha reach out to her mom regardless, though Teazha says Kiaya’s mom, Tiffany, is more of a mom to her than her own and she knows she has support in her life no matter what. After talking to Kiaya, however, Teazha decides to visit her great grandma to see if she has any words of advice on how to ease the family tension without anyone else ending up in the back of a police car.

Finally we head to Illinois to see what Kayla is up to. She is still engaged to Luke, although she knows she’d rather Jello-wrestle to the death with Noopie than actually marry Luke.

“Shockingly”, getting engaged did nothing to help the tension going on between Kayla and Luke. They haven’t even told anyone that they’re engaged. In fact, they didn’t even bother picking up their “happy” engagement photos because things are so bad. 

Adding to the misery is the fact that Kayla, Luke and the kids have to move out of the house they’re renting. All of the stress resulted in Kayla having a panic attack while driving. She had to call her mom Jaime to come and get her. She says she needs to focus on improving her mental health.

Jaime steps up, offering to let Kayla and her family move in with her, and promising to help Kayla take care of the kids while she figures out what she wants to do about Luke and her living situation. 

Back in Oregon, Brianna calls Madi, who proceeds to screech into the phone while talking to Braeson, even though Braeson looks like he has no clue who the hell she is. Brianna talks about her recent date. While she was stoked to get some free food, it didn’t go very well after she realized her date expected her to spend the night. (Um…?) 

Brianna said that she was “thrown off” by the fact that this dude expected her to bang him on the first date. 

Brianna talks to her mom, who notes that Brianna’s recent dating prospects have all been straight, cisgender men. Brianna tells her mom when she thinks about her future, she sees herself wanting a “traditional” marriage with kids and a house. Brianna’s mom tells her she can still have that “traditional” life if she were with a woman or a transgender man.  

While Brianna agrees with her mom, she says she hasn’t been looking for women on dating apps lately, but “time will tell.” 

Brianna says that she wants a long-term commitment but her mom reminds her that she can date people and, you know, bang around, until she finds Mr. (or Ms.) Right. Brianna says she knows all about banging around, but right now she just doesn’t want to.

Over in Ohio, Madisen and Christian have secured their cheap meat packs and go to pick up Camille from Nick’s house. On the way home, they stop to get Madisen an iced coffee but Christian is not happy about shelling out almost $5 for a drink. 

Madisen says she’s tired of fighting about money with Christian. He tells her that he’s tired of her just going to the fancy Dollar General and willy-nilly grabbing all the expensive meat packs. (All that fancy, 100 percent beef and stuff? What’s wrong with a 60% hybrid mix of real meat and “meal-like substance”?) 

“You’re so goddamn extra for no f**king reason!” Christian tells Madisen, who then accuses him of treating her and Camille as an “inconvenience.” 

Madisen goes in to fetch Camille, as Christian grumbles about how stupid Madisen is…and stuff.

Later, Madisen tells us that she and Christian got into a huge fight (again) and broke up (again). They’re still living together, though, but MTV has changed Christian’s tagline to “Madisen’s ex” so we know it’s official. 

Christian and Madisen talk about their futures. Christian (who has further morphed into some sort of Fraggle by this point) says he hopes to get a job at a “f**king factory somewhere.” 

They agree to try to remain civil, and even talk about Christian moving back to the Stone Ages Arkansas. 

Back in BeaverVille, it’s moving day! Rachel is shoveling all her space boots, Wet ‘N’ Wild eyeliners, pink glitter lube (in case Noah gives her that hump sesh she’s been craving) and other crap into the new place. 

Rachel invites Malorie (and her youngin Emerson) to come check out the new crib. Soon Haphazard and Emerson are screaming louder than Jenelle at a Kesha concert.

Rachel tells Malorie that she and Noah are still lacking “the sex.” Malorie tells her that this is normal because, after you become a parent, you’re more concerned about giving your kid a fulfilling life than filling your vagina. Rachel is still hopeful that the new house will bring them lots of opportunities to rekindle their sexy time. 

Despite her lack of lust and thrust, Rachel says that this is still the best time in her own ding-damn life. 

Later, Rachel tells Noah she’s happy that she can help with the bills because “MTV pays me pretty good.”

A few days later, Rachel finds out that baby daddy Drew, has been arrested yet again. Actually, he was picked up twice: once for stealing from a store, and then again for possessing a deadly weapon… as you do. (Here’s what his arrest was for, in case you care.) 

Rachel says Drew’s latest hijinks have made her realize he doesn’t need to be in Hazing’s life. 

Meanwhile, in Virginia, Teazha decides to go see her great-grandma, who is the only family member who has kept in contact with her in recent months. She is greeted with a big hug from Grandma Jane, who (adorably) refers to Teazha as “Pumpkin.” 

Grandma Jane’s house is chock-full of weird glass dolls and Jesus pictures, which is fun.

Seriously, though, with all the dysfunction Teazha has dealt with (and continues to deal with) in her personal life, it melts my ice-cold heart to see her getting some love and respect from at least one person in her family. Grandma Jane tells Teazha she’s “so proud” of her before asking how things are going in her life. Teazha tells Grandma Jane she’s been focusing on her mental health lately, which leads Grandma Jane to acknowledge Teazha’s mom’s habit of being wildly negative. 

We then find out that the family brawl happened at Grandma Jane’s surprise birthday party (did we know this?), which makes me feel so bad for Jane. Granny can’t even have a damn birthday party without Teazha’s mom actin’ a fool!

Teazha tells her grandma that since the fight, she’s been replaying the night over and over in her head and thinking about how much worse things could have gotten for Kiaya. 

Teazha says she tries to talk to people in her family about how “toxic” things are, but it’s like “talking to a brick wall.” Poor Teazha breaks down, saying how tired she is of having to deal with the situation. This frustrates Grandma Jane, too, who assures Teazha that she’s always going to have her back. Teazha sweetly dries her grandma’s tears as they talk about the sad state of their family.

Finally, we check back in with Kayla. She told Luke about her mom’s offer to allow them all to move into her home. However, Kayla’s not sure she wants Luke (and his ample supply of “Trap House” brand clothing) to move with them, too. 

Kayla wants to move into her mom’s house because she is “like, so depressed.” She suspects Luke is, too, but he won’t admit it. She suggests they talk to a therapist and he says he’s open to it but instantly gets mad. He says Kayla doesn’t listen to anything he says and she just assumes things about him. 

Luke makes it clear that he won’t “take Kayla back” (um?) if they move separately for a while because he says he doesn’t “do well with the space thing.” Luke then says that he doesn’t understand why Kayla doesn’t just move solo to her mom’s, since he knows she wants to. (Um…because you just told her that you’ll dump her if she did!) 

He then claims he never said that…even though he literally just said that. On camera.

Kayla realizes she can’t stay with Luke and get the space she needs to work on herself. She says that Luke assumes that she’ll just be bangin’ around while living at her mom’s, having a la-dee-dah time instead of working on her mental health. 

Kayla literally sobs, telling Luke he knows she’s not OK, and he just sits there like this the whole time.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant.’ Click here to read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode!

(Photos: MTV)