Here we are again! Watching Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant is like taking a time machine back to 2012. Back to when people were doing mildly offensive dances to “Gangnam Style,” “Call Me Maybe” was on the radio and— most importantly— the girls of Teen Mom  and Teen Mom 2 were still broke, young and screaming at everyone they came into contact with. They had yet to become multi-millionaires and were still facing real young mom problems, while living in ratty apartments with random boyfriends. 

The Ashley feels all warm and fuzzy when she watches ‘Young & Pregnant.’ (It’s either from nostalgia or all of the hard liquor she has to drink just to get through these episodes.) This episode, however, really evokes the spirit of early ‘Teen Mom.’ Not only do we have a girl screaming at her baby daddy to take her to court, but we also have a baby daddy getting sprung from prison and a full-on front yard family fight! HOT DOG!

Since returning home from LA, Kayla has been staying at her mom’s house with the kids, while Luke couch surfs in Coach Moore’s man-cave. Kayla claims she and her mom, Jaime, have yet to talk in person about the whole Chastity and Izaiah situation, so naturally, we get to see the conversation reenacted happen on camera. 

Jaime recounts picking up Izaiah and Ariah from Luke’s sister, Chas, and Izaiah telling her afterwards that Chas “had hit him” and made him wear a diaper, despite him being potty trained. Jaime also reads some texts that Chas allegedly sent her, denying Izaiah’s claims. 

Chas denied “whooping” kids, but Jaime is hesitant to believe her, given the reaction Izaiah had to the situation.

Kayla tells her mom that Chas also sent a text “telling Luke to keep Izaiah the f**k away from her.” 

Kayla blames Noopie for a lot of this mess, as Noopie allowed Chas to watch the kids while Kayla was out of town, without getting the OK from Kayla or Luke beforehand.

That’s a NOPE-y from me…

Kayla— truly the Meghan Markle of ‘Young & Pregnant’— says it’s hard being with someone when their family hates you. 

She’s also upset that Luke isn’t working on his “mental health.” (Sooo… he hasn’t ordered any therapy horses or anything yet?) 

Instead, Luke seems to be using this “break” to enjoy sleeping on his friend’s couch and being able to watch sports or whatnot instead of a never-ending marathon of Cocomelon. Because of this, Kayla tells her mom it feels as though Luke has already checked out of the relationship. 

Meanwhile, Madisen takes all of that sass and style she got in LA back to her hometown holler in Arkansas. Her ex, Christian, is still down ‘er visiting his kin, but since he and Madisen are no longer smacking uglies on the regular, they are staying at different houses. Madisen is staying with her best pal, Autumn.

They head up to the “Whole Hog Cafe” (as you do) to chit-chat about Madisen’s Porta-Potty-of-a-relationship with Christian.

Madisen reveals that Christian is considering just staying down in the holler and not returning to Ohio with Madisen and Camille. Madisen could care less if her bewhiskered baby daddy returns but she does care if his wallet goes back to pay all those damn bills that are still sitting on a pile of Starbucks napkins and meat pack wrappers back in Ohio. 

Christian tells Madisen that, because she doesn’t have money and he (kind of) does, she should just give Camille to him. 

UMMM?!

Madisen says she would have been “working her ass off” if Christian had proven to be a stable caretaker for Camille while Madisen was at work. 

Autumn points out that lots of kids up ‘er in the holler grew up without a mom and a dad together and they all turned out just fine. After all, they’re currently feasting on offerings from the Whole Hog Cafe and don’t even have to pay the bill. If that’s not winning, what is?!

Over in Virginia, Kiaya‘s baby daddy Zay fires up the ol’ prison pay phone to inform Kiaya that he’s being sprung from the clink earlier than expected! He’ll be standing outside the prison in all his post-release glory (and whatever funky smelling clothes he went into prison wearing) tomorrow! 

When Kiaya tells Teazha the news, she points out that things will undoubtedly change for all parties once Amour’s prison-dwelling papa is able to be around them. She stresses how important it is for everyone to be mature in order for the transition to be peaceful. 

Kiaya says she is welcoming the situation with a positive attitude and vows to give Zay and Catch Me Outside Carla the benefit of the doubt, so long as everyone understands that her number one priority is Amour. Similarly, Teazha doesn’t believe there will be any problems on her part.

Over in BeaverVille, Rachel is still upset that she and Noah still aren’t “doing the sex” and are still acting like roommates. To fill the void, Rachel plans a trip for her birthday (because…in case you didn’t hear the first 200 times she mentioned it in LA— it was recently her 20th birthday). 

Noah isn’t so keen on taking off work (future hotel owners never rest, y’all!) but Rachel decides she still wants to go St. Augustine Beach in Florida with Hazelnut anyway. Noah is apparently willing to do whatever he has to in order to get the house free of Rachel, her loud talking and her attempts to get him to stuff her muffin— he even offers to pay for Rachel’s plane tickets.

Naturally, she also invites Mama Stephanie to tag along on this trip.

I mean…someone needs to watch Hazy while Rachel is out in ‘da club at night. (Jesus God Leah I can not wait to see what Hello Kitty outfit constitutes as clubwear to a Beaver.) 

“Obviously I wanted Hazlee to be with someone safe,” Rachel says.

Malorie— who is also invited on this Beaver Beach Holiday— brings up the fact that Rachel hasn’t even been speaking to Mama Steph much, but Rachel says it’s fine. Even though Rachel’s trying to keep her distance from Steph, she’s still useful to her if she can watch Hasselhoff for her while she gets down with her bad self in the clubs of Florida.

I think that’s nice…

Rachel insists that she doesn’t want any “toxic s**t” while she’s having a la-dee-dah-time in Florida for her birthday.

Rachel suggests that they would be “so straight” if they could just drive from Tennessee to Florida. A bunch of Beavers crammed into a car for eight hours…what could go wrong?!

No joke, I’d rather take a spaceboot to the face than get into that car ‘o’ horrors.

Over in Oregon, Brianna and her mom, Jessica, take a staycation to a hotel where Braeson can practice his swimming. Brianna and Jessica talk about all of the progress Braeson has made since his first swimming lesson. Jessica and Brianna discuss the need for him to get a prosthetic arm in order to make some tasks easier…such as wiping his butt. 

They’re making absolutely riveting TV in Oregon, guys…

When we check back in with Kayla, she’s joined by her friend Annabelle, whose only purpose in this scene is to listen to Kayla vent about the flaming pile of garbage that is her “engagement” to Luke. Luke agrees that Chastity’s behavior is as bad as her name, and that the kids will no longer be allowed at Chas’ House ‘o’ Huggies. However, he still defends his mom Noopie. Kayla insists that the kids should not be left in the care of Noopie anymore.

Kayla is over Luke, his family and the whole lot of ’em! She’s ready to pack up her Fashion Nova frocks, glue her eyelash back on and find herself a man that appreciates her (and doesn’t come with a family full of large women looking to beat the beJesus outta her!) 

After Kayla’s chat with Annabelle, we check in with Noopie, who claims it’s been difficult not being able to see the kids following the incident…or, the “Chasident,” if you will…

While Kayla doubts Noopie’s feelings towards Izaiah, Noopie insists she considers him to be her grandchild, just as Ariah is, and that she loves them both the same. On the other hand, Noopie can’t help but to defend her daughter, claiming Chas “doesn’t even whoop her own f**king kids.”

Later, Luke and Kayla sit down together at Jaime’s house to talk. Kayla is still wearing her engagement ring which honestly is more cringy than Noopie wanting applause after declaring that Chas doesn’t “whip” her kids. 

Luke says that like Kayla, he was confused by the whole Chas situation. Kayla says that while they see eye-to-eye(lash) on the kids not seeing Chas anymore, they don’t agree on whether or not Noopie can see them.

Luke says that, while his and Kayla’s families have argued in the past, this is the first time it’s happened since Kayla became his fiancé. Kayla tells Luke their relationship title is the furthest thing from her mind at the moment, as she’s “just thinking about the kids.”

She says that she thinks Luke not being around the kids has been detrimental to his mental health. 

Luke insists he’s “good” and begins getting irritated at Kayla suggesting otherwise, ultimately storming out of the house and heading back to Coach Moore’s Basement for Bros.   

Back in Virginia, Zay has been sprung from the slammer and is on his way to reunite with meet Amour. Kiaya is having a hard time explaining to the toddler who the hell Zay is and why he’s suddenly going to be lurking around.

I mean, we’ve all had to have that “Papa finally got paroled” speech with our kids, right? 

Prior to his arrival, Kiaya has Amour paint a picture for Zay while reminding him he’s going to be meeting his dad, aka the mysterious man from the phone.

Not long after the paint dries on Amour’s artwork, Zay and his mom Carla arrive and Zay meets his son.

Kiaya calls the situation “nerve-racking” since anytime Carla’s involved, things could end with someone in handcuffs.

The felonious father arrives, with a proud-looking Carla beside him. She beams with pride as Zay (and his eyebrow tats) are introduced to a confused-looking Amour. He’s told to call this stranger Daddy and seems unsure; however, he’s given a cookie so he’s just like, “Sure, alright…”

Carla snaps some photos of Zay holding Amour. (Zay is clearly just happy to finally be taking a photo that’s not a mugshot.)  His gold tooth grill is positively glowing!

After all of the hug and photos, Zay asks Kiaya where Teazha is, and Kiaya tells him she’s upstairs because she wanted to let Zay have a moment with Amour. (We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: protect Teazha at all cost. She is way too good for this show.)

Zay says he “doesn’t like” that Teazha isn’t downstairs to celebrate his homecoming with everyone else, even though Kiaya and her mom, Tiffany, assure him it’s nothing personal and that she will come around eventually.  

Later on, Tiffany asks Teazha to come downstairs, but Teazha declines, claiming she’s “in her bubble.” Tiffany worries that Teazha being upstairs will come across as rude to Zay and Carla.

(Um….you mean the person who just got out of prison and the grandma who tried to fight Kiaya while she was pregnant? Um, yeah, wouldn’t want to be rude to such fine folks!)

Kiaya heads upstairs to talk to her. Teazha maintains that she’s only keeping her distance to allow Zay to have some time with Amour. Still, Kiaya says Teazha can at least poke her head downstairs and say “hey,” but Teazha says she has a lot more than “hey” to say to the man whose child she’s been helping raise for these past couple of years.

Ultimately Teazha heads downstairs to say hello to Zay and reassure him that she doesn’t have a problem with him, but she absolutely will if he does anything to hurt Amour or Kiaya. The conversation includes 1400 uses of the phrase “Ya feel me” as well.

Zay thanks Teazha for being there for Amour, adding that he’s down for everyone to get together for “family things” as “it’s all love.”

Back in Arkansas, Madisen is kicking a giant ball at her toddler (as you do). She’s upset that Christian hasn’t seen the kid in over a week, despite them all being in Arkansas at the same time. Worse, Christian hasn’t even called to check in on Camille and make sure she’s OK (and not, you know, getting hit in the head with huge blow-up toys and stuff).

The next day is Camille’s second birthday, so Madisen throws the kid a party at Autumn’s mom’s house. She doesn’t invite Christian to join the festivities (probably because Autumn’s mom was afraid he’d come with a tote bag and snatch all of the meat packs she had in the fridge!)

Oh, also Autumn’s mom’s name is Ottalia. That has no importance to the story, but I felt it should be noted. 

Madisen feels bad that her dad and Christina couldn’t be there for Camille’s birthday. She does not, however, feel bad that Christian missed the party, since he didn’t even really make an effort to be there on Camille’s special day.

Madisen complains that it’s unfair that Christian can ditch out on their daughter and all the bills they have waiting for them in Ohio. She is not sure what she wants to do.

A few days later, Madisen meets up with Christian to discuss their future plan. She knows that if Christian stays in Arkansas and she goes back to Ohio that Christian will rarely see Camille. He insists that he will, though.

“I’ve done offered to take her for a lil bit!” he insists. 

He then says that he’s getting a car and has a job lined up and will be going out on the road. When Madisen asks what exactly he plans to do with Camille while he’s “out on the road,” Christian doesn’t say anything, so obviously the thought hadn’t occurred to him.

They then accuse each other of being lazy, as Madisen brags that she worked at a pizza place for two whole months (double shifts!) so she’s got money, honey!

As per usual on ‘Teen Mom,’ the conversation ends with someone storming off and demanding they go to court.

Back in Oregon, Jessica tells Brianna that she has noticed Braeson trying to hide his arm at times, specifically when wearing a long-sleeve shirt. Brianna then reveals that a kid in Braeson’s class is “scared of” Braeson because of his arm. She says the kid refuses to play with him and will scream if forced to be near him. 

Brianna says the teacher talked to the kid and his parents, and Brianna has encouraged Braeson to tell people if they do something that hurts his feelings. She also says Braeson will start physical therapy soon.

In BeaverVille, we head to Mama Steph’s trailer (where dreams and/or burrowing animals go to die). Steph and Malorie are fixin’ to rent a car and drive to Florida in order to save money. (Hey– those gas station hot dogs ain’t gonna pay for themselves!) 

Malorie obviously has a bone to pick with Rachel. She complains to Mama Steph about Rachel being jobless, license-less and GED-less.

Steph and Malorie agree that Rachel needs to get her life together and start doing something other than drawing shapes on her face with eyeliner. 

Later, the entire Beaver crew heads to Rachel’s dam house to plan out their trip to terrorize the state of Florida. Mama Steph’s got her boytoy Mike with her, and everyone goes in to discuss how they can just “half” the car and hotel expenses. 

Because she has no license and no concept of how much gas costs for an eight-hour roadtrip to Florida, Rachel thinks she making her fam a great deal by offering to pay for the hotel if they pay the gas. (I’m sure she’ll even spring for the “Deluxe” room at whatever roadside ratrap she chooses for them to stay at. It’s “deluxe” because it comes with its own can of Raid, of course.)

Mal is concerned that she lacks the drivin’ skills to successfully navigate a car full of screaming Beavers from Tennessee to Florida. 

“I’ve never drove for more than four hours at a time!” she says. (And she’s probably never “drove” with Steph and Rachel bludgeoning each other as two toddlers scream, either.) 

Steph offers to drive if necessary and Malorie looks at Rachel and then remembers that she doesn’t have a license. For some reason that ticks Rachel off and she starts screaming and cussing at her sister.

Mama Steph tries to get her yappin’ youngins to pipe the hell down and focus on their “vacation,” but once a Beaver starts yellin’, there’s just no stoppin’ them!

Rachel screams that Noah is willing to fly her— in an actual aer-o-plane!—to Florida, so she doesn’t need to be chauffeured by Malorie. That pisses Malorie off, so she instructs Rachel to “go by her God damn self!” 

Rachel keeps saying how she— well, Noah— can afford a flight.

Soon all the Beavers are screaming over each other, causing Steph to scream, “Y’ALL STOPPPPP!” Everyone is accusing everyone of being “toxic” and, honestly, I’m lovin’ it.

THIS IS THE WAY ‘TEEN MOM’ SHOULD BE, GUYS! No talks about building mansions and wallpaper lines. I want people in terrible jeans screaming at each other in a sweaty kitchen!!!

Anyway, Rachel kicks Malorie out of her house, but it’s too late because Malorie is already storming out. She screams to her youngin that “We gotta leave because Rachel’s a psychopath!”

I think that’s nice…

Rachel screams that she wasn’t even screaming (um?) and that they are the psychopaths. 

Malorie storms to her car but the fight continues. Mal reminds Rachel that she “don’t even got a job!” (To be fair, though, she did work at Wendy’s for two weeks while she was knocked up with Hazard.)  Rachel shoots back that Malorie’s a terrible mother who let Rachel and Steph raise her daughter.

“You leave your daughter with Mom every day!” Rachel screams, accusing Malorie of “getting drunk every day of your life!” 

YESSSSSSS! Quick, someone hand these girls some drumsticks and let them duke it out “Jenelle and Tori style!” 

Malorie gets in her car as Rachel calls her a “Bum-ass bitch!” 

I’M LOVIN’ IT.

Rachel then brags about her house and the fact that she her boyfriend makes $4000 a month. 

“Who cares if my man pays for some of my s**t while I get my GED?!” Rachel tells whoever the hell is still listening at this point. “I have a full-time job and that is being a stay-at-home f**king mom!” 

Then she hits us with the classic line:

“Well, if I’m a bum, my f**king man ain’t!” 

Rachel continues to yell about how she never yells, and then hilariously tells Steph to “find her inner peace.”

“Because I don’t be yellin’ like that!” she yells. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here!

(Photos: MTV)