Note from The Ashley: Yes, this recap is later than the expiration date on Christian’s week-old meatpacks. The Ashley wasn’t even going to recap it, but there were just too many golden moments to let it pass! Enjoy! 

We’ve made it to the end, kids. We have waded through plenty of pink hair-dos, petty fights and, of course, enough “storming out” scenes to last us a lifetime. Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant Season 3B has given us many memorable moments: from Rachel screaming to her sister that she’s not a bum, to Madisen being positively offended when it’s suggested that she control her over-active baby machine with contraception.  

We’ve watched people make up, break up and square up (with the mother of their grandchildren, none the less!) And now it’s time to see how it all ends! 

Let’s jump right in!

First, we check in with Madisen, who is still down in Arkansas, cashing in her free MTV meals at the Whole Hog Cafe and hanging out with her best pal, Autumn. It’s almost time for Madisen to leave the holler and head back to Ohio, so she goes to chat with Autumn (who has chosen to wear her finest pajama pants for the occasion). 

As Madisen and Autumn sit down on some rickety chairs to talk crap on Christian, Autumn’s unfortunately named mother, Ottelia, is watching Madisen’s kid inside.

Madisen says she’s not sure she wants to go back to Ohio, and Autumn offers weird advice that sounds like it was quoted from a poorly translated fortune cookie.

“That’s between you and yourself,” she tells Madisen.

Autumn clearly wants Madisen to stay in Arkansas. For one, she wants her best friend back and, two, Madisen being local means that Autumn may find herself strollin’ into some of the holler’s finest eating establishments and feasting on MTV’s dime! 

She tells Madisen that she and Camille can stay at her mom’s house for as long as they want. (Um…shouldn’t she check with her mom first? Poor Ottelia is gonna have to double the amount of “Helper” she makes each night if two more people will be living in her house!) 

Next, we hee-haw it through some cornfields and end up in BeaverVille. As you may remember, last episode gave us The Brawl of The Bum Beavers, where Rachel got into a fight with Malorie over who is a bigger bum and who can’t drive eight hours (or something… I don’t know.) 

Malorie isn’t the only person Rachel is beefin’ with at the moment. Rachel and her sexless soulmate, Noah, aren’t getting along either. In fact, they recently got into a big fight about Noah not giving her enough attention so they broke up. Rachel is upset (and we know this because the pink crap she usually has slathered all over her cheeks is now smeared all over her face.) 

Even though Rachel and Malorie came very close to beatin’ the sweet tarnation out of each other last episode, Mal (and her youngin Emerson) still come over to Rachel’s place so that Rachel has someone to talk crap on Noah with.

I think that’s nice…

(We can assume Ma Beaver is back at the trailer, chasin’ vermin and fryin’ up vittles for supper so she was unavailable for this scene.) 

Malorie tells Rachel she’s sorry to hear about her breakup. Rachel says it’s fine, since they were “kind of doing rocky” for the last few months. Rachel regrets letting her daughter, Hazelberry, call Noah “Daddy” because it’s making this breakup even harder.

Rachel goes on to say that she’s never relied on Noah (um?) and that Ma Beaver thinks it was a bad idea for Rachel to dump Noah (and his wallet). Rachel is determined to stand in her power and make it on her own…at least until she meets a new dude, of course.

Over in Virginia, Kiaya has been “co-parenting” with her fresh-out-of-the-slammer baby daddy Zay for a whole three days now. In that time, Zay has basically set up camp in Kiaya’s living room, even sleeping on the couch one night. That’s because Zay’s mom– “Catch Me Outside” Carla— doesn’t have enough room at her place to house her legally challenged son (and his golden grill). Therefore, Zay has been getting his “three hots and a cot” at Kiaya’s.

Kiaya believes Zay has been scoring all of this sweet, sweet camera time as a way to not only spend time with Amour, but also keep himself out of trouble. 

Nevertheless, Kiaya says she appreciates having Zay around to occasionally “babysit” his own son. She adds that things are also “good” between her, Zay and Teazha, though she says the situation is a bit awkward–- mostly for Teazha.  

While Zay “babysits” Amour, Kiaya and Teazha go for a drive, during which, Kiaya asks Teazha how she’s handling the couch surfer downstairs. Teazha tells Kiaya that she’s “cool” with everything, but Kiaya suspects Teazha may be uncomfortable with the situation, but staying quiet for Amour’s sake.

Again, protect Teazha at all cost! She is too good for this show, I swear!

Teazha says the only thing she asks of Kiaya is that she not cheat on her, presumably with her La-Zay-Boy-dwelling ex. 

Later on, Zay leaves the comforts of his Kiaya’s couch to visit his friend Coby for the first time since his release. Coby asks Zay how his one whole week of parenting has been going, and Zay has nothing but positive things to say. 

Zay goes on to talk about his probation, noting he’s looking at a minimum of two years, though the judge has him “on a ten-year stretch.” Regardless, Zay is determined to stay out of prison and continue crashing on any comfy couch that will have him.

“For real,” he says for the 900th time.

Over in Oregon, Brianna is preparing to take Braeson to his first appointment with an occupational therapist. Brianna’s mom is quick to note Braeson’s independent personality and determination to do everything on his own–- something quite a few parents in this franchise struggle with. 

Brianna admits that while she once blamed herself for Braeson’s disability, she’s more accepting now that it’s not her fault, and that all she can do now is ensure Braeson is equipped with resources to reach his full potential. 

Later on, Brianna talks to her mom about Braeson’s appointment and is proud to report that Braeson is “on par” with other four-year-olds. Brianna then does some role-playing with a completely uninterested Braeson about what he can say if someone at school asks about his arm. While his first response is undoubtedly the cutest (and funniest), Brianna eventually teaches him to say, “I was born like this.” 

When we check in with Kayla this episode, things between her and Luke are still in the porta-potty. Despite asking Luke to get his act together more than a month ago, Kayla says nothing has improved. Unfortunately this storyline is no exception. 

Kayla tells her mom, Jaime, that Luke has yet to get himself in shape mentally, physically, or financially, and she can’t keep enabling him. Kayla says Luke’s decision to max and relax in Coach Moore’s basement for bachelors instead of making any progress shows her that he isn’t ready to get married. 

UMMMM YA THINK?!

For some reason, Jaime does her best to appear “stunned” that her daughter isn’t getting her happily ever after following that doozie of a proposal we all witnessed earlier this season. 

Jaime tells Kayla she needs to just focus on herself going forward, “whatever that looks like.”

Umm…it can’t look any worse than the catastrophe we’ve been looking at this season, so at least there’s that. 

Later, Kayla tries to figure out where she and the kids can live, since she doesn’t want to be squatting on her mom’s couch forever. She and her friend Annabelle head to (where else?) a random park to talk about Kayla co-parenting with Luke> Kayla’s hoping that the whole situation doesn’t end up just a pile of mugshots and restraining orders.

Back in Virginia, Kiaya meets up with her friend Quay to discuss how “weird” it is having someone she once did the horizontal mambo with crashing on her couch. Quay asks how Teazha is “dealing” with it.

Kiaya tells Quay that Teazha is acting “funny,” though she doesn’t blame her, given the shacking up situation happening on their sofa. Kiaya tells Quay that Zay appears to be trying his best to stay out of the slammer, admitting she’s sympathetic to the fact that he was locked up at such a young age. Quay tells Kiaya to be cautious and make sure Zay is willing to help himself succeed as much as Kiaya is willing to help him. 

Later, we see Kiaya and Zay take Amour bowling. Afterwards, the two of them go to the gym together, where the sexual tension between them is thicker than the layer of sweat on the gym equipment.

Kiaya plans to remind Zay that she’s still set on obtaining primary custody of Amour. Before getting into the conversation, though, Kiaya confirms that Zay is planning to get his own place to live at some point. As well as a car. Oh, and a license. 

Kiaya also opens up to Zay about everything she went through while he was locked up, claiming that although she has “hella support,” she always had it in her mind that she’d be parenting by herself. After Zay shows some remorse for his past, Kiaya tells him she’d like to give him joint custody of Amour, but only if he secures a place to live. 

UMM???!

Back in Arkansas, Madisen has decided that she will take Autumn up on her offer to let her and Camille live with them. She will not be going back to Ohio…like, not even to pack up her apartment. That means that her dad and stepmom have to traipse over to Madisen’s (just rented) apartment, and clear the crap out of it. 

Nick is not happy that he’s been tasked to do what is surely going to be hours upon hours of work, sorting video games, Starbucks cups and meatpack wrappers. Madisen tells him that he can toss almost everything in the place.

(Seriously WHY couldn’t Madisen and Christian go up there and take care of their apartment? Who the hell just leaves town and abandons their house and stuff. DO THESE PEOPLE NOT HAVE A LEASE?)

Nick says he’s tired of bailing Madisen out every time she’s in trouble (or when she decides to just chuck her responsibilities and burrow herself into Ottelia’s House of Wood Paneling.) 

Nick and Christina are like “eff this” and head on down to the CockEye BBQ (no seriously, that’s what it’s called) and drown their anger in some chicken wings.

Christina (a true saint) is very nice while talking about Madisen dumping her crap on them. She says that Madisen probably wanted to stay in Arkansas because she hasn’t had the support system in Ohio that she needed. 

“We just have to cheer her on while she’s there,” Christina says. 

Back in BeaverVille, Rachel is babysitting Malorie’s youngin, but still finds the time to throw on the latest frocks she’s purchased from the Hot Topic clearance rack and FaceTime Noah. She wants him to know that she is never, ever getting back together with him. So there.

Noah obviously doesn’t want to talk to Rachel. She goes on a spiel about how things between them can be OK even though they’re not together. She goes on and on and all Noah says is, “Alright.”

“I feel much better being alone,” he tells Rachel.

OUCH. That one hit her right in the ol’ beaver! 

Later, they show us a rusted-out car covered in leaves, a porch full of trash and a “No Trespassing” sign so we know we have arrived at Ma Beaver’s trailer. Rachel stomps up the stairs in her spaceboots, determined to give Ma a piece of her mind, after Ma insinuated that Rachel can’t survive without Noah and his wallet. 

Rachel says that living away from Ma has not solved their issues with each other.

Rachel says that things will only improve if Ma Beaver gets help for her “mental issues.” 

They sit down and Ma asks Rachel if she’s sure she wants to break up with Noah’s wallet. Rachel says it’s fine because she’ll have a job by the end of the month. (She’s no bum!) 

Rachel then tells Ma that she needs therapy. Ma’s like, “Um…have you met you?!” 

Ma points out that Rachel literally argues with everybody and Rachel doesn’t disagree. 

When Ma Beaver brings up the fact that Rachel even fought with her ‘Teen Mom’ co-stars, Rachel pulls a, well, “a Rachel” and storms out.

Rachel goes out into the yard to fetch Hazelnut, who is no stranger to being snatched from playing with Emerson after her mom gets in a fight with one of her kin. This time, though, Hassle is very upset when she’s snatched and clearly wants to stay and play. 

Inside, Ma starts cussing, but then apologizes to Jesus for using his name in vein. 

Rachel is getting into her car as Ma comes outside, holding a trash bag and screaming (as you do). 

“I get degraded by my mother and it’s sad as f**k,” Rachel tells the cameras as a single black tear of Wet ‘n’ Wild mascara runs down her cheek.

Later, Rachel tells us that her mother shouldn’t be talking to her like that, especially since Ma spent the bulk of Rachel’s childhood druggin’ and thuggin’ instead of being a mom.

Down in Arkansas, Madisen is still staying at Ottelia’s abode. 

Anyway, since it’s been like two weeks since Madisen decided she wasn’t gonna let Christian put it in the ol’ hooter anymore, naturally, it’s time to look for another man. Luckily for Madisen, she didn’t have to look very far this time. (I mean, there’s plenty of fine gentlemen in Heber Springs, Arkansas, to choose from…unless you want one with all…OK most…of his teeth.)

Madisen realized that, while staying at Autumn’s home, she started getting flutters in her gentleman-gobbler every time Autumn’s brother Josh would brush up against her while they were both beating their laundry against the rocks out back. 

Madisen says she didn’t expect to find her next soulmate right there in Autumn’s family tree but here we are. (Is anyone else a little disappointed that Autumn’s brother has such a normal, non-seasonal name? I was hoping he was named WinnTer or something.) 

Madisen and WinnTer Josh talk about how “unexpected” it was that they realized they wanted to hump. Both of them agree that they are “happier with life” now that they’re banging the beJesus out of each other every time Ottelia takes Autumn downtown to purchase supplies and such.

Josh adjusts his bucket hat and attempts to woo Madisen by telling her that his work days are “big a lot better” because he knows he gets to come home and diddle Madisen on Ottelia’s futon.

I think that’s nice…

Later, Madisen takes time away from Josh and his magic fingers and calls her dad. Nick tells her that he’s “working his ass off” cleaning up her pigsty of an apartment. Madisen  ignores the fact that her poor dad and stepmom have been wading through knee-deep Lunchable wrappers and old makeup to help her out.

Nick does want to know about Madisen’s new boytoy, though. Apparently she posted some loved-up photo of her, Josh and his bucket hat to Facebook and Nick saw it. 

Nick asks Madisen what her plans are (other than boinking Josh, of course). Shockingly, Madisen has no actual plan about anything.

She doesn’t know how or when she will move out of Autumn’s house, but thinks she might go get her old job at the pizza place back…or something. Nick doesn’t want Madisen to fall right back into her old Arkansas routine. But he reminds Madisen that’s a grown adult now, so she can do whatever she wants.

Hearing her dad tell her that she’s a grown adult pisses Madisen off for some reason. 

Finally, we check in with Kayla one last time. After avoiding it for awhile, Kayla goes over to Coach Moore’s house to tell Luke it’s over between them, and that no amount of plates with diamond rings and cheesecake slices can save them this time. 

Kayla begins by reminding Luke that she gave him a sort of ultimatum a month ago to get a job, get to the gym and get some counseling. She tells him that, since he’s done none of the above and basically just spent the last month “Amber Portwooding” on Coach Moore’s sofa, she’s done.

Luke doesn’t seem upset about Kayla leaving, and that pisses her off even more. 

“Maybe it’s best that we do be alone,” Kayla says. (Um?) 

She informs Luke that she will be getting a house for her and the kids. (I kind of expected Coach Moore to run out from behind the breakfast bar and scream, “TAKE HIM WITH YOU! I WANT MY COUCH BACK!” but, alas, he did not.) 

She tells him to use his time squatting in Coach Moore’s living room as a time to get himself together, which seems to anger Luke. He freezes Kayla out and tells her to go. (He also starts calling her “bro.” 

Kayla tells him to call her when he wants to talk and he tells her to get out. She walks out crying as Luke shakes his head in disbelief, apparently shocked that his fiancé wants him to actually do something other than just make a permanent indention in his friend’s couch.

With that, we come to the end of another season of ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant.’ It’s been real, guys…real weird.

Click here to read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant’ episode! 

(Photos: MTV)