MTV just keeps shooting out Teen Mom shows like they’re Oopsie Babies, and the latest is Teen Mom: The Next Chapter. On this show, they grab a gaggle of gals from the original shows and pretend that they’re all buddy-buddy (and, you know, not spitting at each other, exposing each other’s secret pregnancies and whatnot). The gal pals all pretend that they need the other girls’ support to get through their tough lives of cashing MTV checks and getting new butts and whatnot.

Yes, the show is as boring as I just made it sound. But here we are.

Over in Michigan–- amidst the gaggle of therapy horses, cloud of cigarette smoke and mountain of long-forgotten Tierra Reign baby joggers–- Catelynn is parenting her team of Carly Clones while pushing through some major pain. She’s feeling very cysty these days.

Because her cysts have been flaring up on the reg, Cate’s doctor has recommended she undergo surgery. After returning from a visit to her doc’s office, Cate tells Tyler her “periurethral cyst” will have to be removed and after the procedure, she will “have a fricking, like, catheter bag” for about 10 days. Tyler, the ever-supportive husband, couldn’t look more thrilled about getting the opportunity to help his side-bang-rocking soul mate dispose of her urine. 

(This time, luckily, she won’t be using the family’s ample supply of Tupperware to hold her pee.) 

Cate tells Tyler she’s nervous about going under the knife and is tempted to back out of the procedure. Tyler–- already thinking of ways to turn his wife’s surgery into a month’s worth of poetry posts–- tells Cate she’s crazy. Cate tells Tyler she’s worried about putting so many responsibilities on him while she’s out of commission and plugged into a piss bag. Tyler kindly reminds his wife that this isn’t the first time she’s been helpless and forced to lean on him for support. 

Tyler (sort of) backtracks by telling Cate she’s in a situation she can’t control and basically has to accept his help, no matter how guilty he makes her feel for doing so. 

We next scurry down to Indiana, Couch Capitol of the World, to check in with Amber. (They make sure to make it clear that this brought-to-you-by-LazyBoy-scene takes place at “Amber’s Rental”…because we all know that dern Andrew is still squatting in Amber’s real house. I wonder if he ever removed the “Mr. & Mrs. Baier” doormat that was once on the porch?) 

Speaking of that dern Andrew, he’s back in the picture. (No, he’s not back to dipping his ding dong in Ambie’s Twinkie, thankfully.) We are actually talking about Amber’s battle with Andrew for the custody of James, the son she hurled from her hooter after a few weeks of live-in love with Andy.

Amber tells “the girls” that her big custody hearing is coming up soon. She says that the judge wants to know if there is anyone (other than Amber, of course) who will testify to Ambie being a “damn good mother,” so she decides to ask Gary. She hopes that the judge didn’t watch Teen Mom back in 2010, when Ambie was playing “boot the baby daddy” on the pressed wood stairs of one of their first apartments.

Amber decides to waste no time (haha) and calls up Gary right then and there. She asks Gary if he’ll go to court on her behalf. Gary wants to make sure Ambie knows that he’s willing to go to court but he’s not willing to go to “gel” for perjury, so he can not tell the judge that Amber is the June Cleaver of Our Generation or anything.

“I mean…I can’t lie or nothing. There’s good and bad…” Gary stammers.

Amber tells Gary that, even if he tells the judge Amber is just a good mother (and not a “damn good” mother), that would be enough. She says that, if the judge sees that Gary— who was once cussed at, kicked at and pressed into the wall like a cheap Dollar Tree picture frame by Amber— can say that Amber’s not horrible, that will make a difference.

Then, Ambie hits us with that classic Portwood sentiment we’ve come to expect. She proudly proclaims that she beat up Gary way worse than she ever beat up Andrew. 

So there.

We are then treated to a few clips of Amber’s past violent incidents with Gary…(an Assemblage ‘o’ Assaults, if you will.) This throwback includes clips of a teenage (and gold-faced) Ambie screaming at as she tries to push Gary.

Amber says she doesn’t know how Gary put up with all the crap she pulled on him.

“I was just livin’ on a prayer!” Gary replies.

Luckily for Amber, the court hearing will be via Zoom, so her butt can remain firmly planted on her couch throughout. (Being legally challenged is no reason to leave the loveseat, am I right?) 

Next, we head over to California to see what Cheyenne is up to. She is also going to court. She has to face the person who shot at her last year in what we are apparently calling “the incident.” She tells “the girls” that she has good and bad days dealing with the shooting.

(You KNOW Maci was just dying to rehash her gas station shooting “near death” experience with everyone but knows that Chey will tell her to pipe down because this her season to get attention for a shooting. Maci already had hers.) 

Within minutes, there’s Maci, burnin’ up the FaceTime ready to talk all things gun violence with Chey. (I freaking called it, guys.) 

Cheyenne says that her shooting went on for “blocks and blocks and blocks” and that she and Zach had a full “convo” while some dude was aiming a shotgun (or whatever it was, I don’t know) at their car.

Cheyenne says it’s making her “rethink” everything.

Maci does her best to bring the convo back to her shooting experience, but Chey just won’t let her do it! 

Speaking of Maci, it’s time to check in with her and her mostly-mulleted children. For this episode, Maci tells us she has “a lot” going on: Bentley is turning 13 soon and Maci and Taylor are making him partake in some obligatory height-measuring on the wall. 

(Now that Ryan and his clan are gone, there’s nothing for Maci to talk about so we are stuck watching her draw on her wall.) 

In preparation for Benny’s big birthday, Maci meets up with her mom, Sharon, to talk about party plans. Before getting into details, however, Sharon tells Maci she’s throwing away some of the Oopsie Babies’ shoes because they smell so bad. Sharon’s comment adds literally nothing to this birthday storyline, but we just feel the need to mention it in order to really drive home how boring things have gotten– and it’s only Episode 3. 

The ‘Teen Mom’ troubadour tells her mom that Bentley is only three years away from being the age Maci was when she got knocked up after letting Ryan put it in the ol’ pooter. How sweet! I wonder if Maci can put her literary twist on that and have it written on Benny’s cake? 

Maci tells her mom that her plan to ensure Bentley doesn’t end up as a cast member on ‘Teen Mom: The Cycle Continues’ is to just hope that he’s listening and using protection when the time comes. 

Maci and Sharon switch gears and talk about the gas station shooting Maci went through a year ago.

NO NO NO NO NO. MTV, you can NOT do this to me again. We already endured a whole season about Maci and The Great Gas Station Shootout. I’d legit rather listen to Cate talk about her urine than have to go through more episodes of Maci regaling us with the tale of how she almost “lost her life” after trying to get a Big Gulp.

Maci tells her mom that certain sounds trigger her gas station PTSD. Maci notes that Bentley having his upcoming birthday party at a loud bowling alley will likely have her anxiety at an all-time high, but she’s determined to get through it because it’s Benny’s big day. (Naturally, though, this will help her make his day all about her, of course.)

Finally, we head to Florida, where Briana is all partied out from her lawsuit victory celebration and ready to focus on a new storyline: her estranged father. Briana reminds viewers that her dad “completely disappeared” from her life when she got knocked up at 16, and despite the massive diss on her dad’s part, she’d still like to have some sort of relationship with him, if not for her benefit, for the benefit of her children. (Oh, by all means, introduce yet another man to these poor girls who doesn’t want to be around them.) 

Briana tells her mom, Roxanne, that she and Brittany are planning a trip to New York to “check on” her dad, and Roxanne looks as though she just found out her favorite patent-leather pumps are no longer being cranked out at the Hush Puppies factory. 

Given Briana’s previous failed attempts to rekindle a relationship with her father, Roxanne insists she reconsider this decision. Roxanne then reveals that she sent Briana’s father a letter, demanding he apologize to both Briana and Brittany. 

After Roxanne drops this information, Brittany accuses Roxanne of lying to her and Briana, as Roxanne has done more than once before. Roxanne claims she only sent the letter “as a peace offering,” (or as Jenelle would say “a peace gathering”) because while she can’t stand their father, she knows her daughters want to have a relationship with him. 

Roxanne says she won’t sit back and let her ex hurt her girls again and that it’s none of Briana or Brittany’s business how she chooses to reach out to their father, whether it be by letter, email, left-hook or otherwise. 

Back in Indiana, it’s the day of the big Zoom call. Gary has arrived (after trading his “Dad Bod” tee for a long-sleeved collar shirt he wears for Easters and other holidays his mother wears gift wrap ribbon in her hair for).

Amber is confident that Gary will tell the judge that he has witnessed Amber being a good mother to James. 

Unfortunately, the court isn’t so cool with the MTV cameras (even when ‘court’ takes place in Ambie’s living room), so she kicks out the camera crew. 

Later, Gary is home on his land with a puppy. (Luckily I wrote “Gary” and not “David” or this paragraph could have caused panic.) He tells Kristina about his testifying experience.

Gary says that he told the judge that Amber has made quite the turnaround from the days of her meeting dudes at “Wally” to change her daughter’s diapers and whatnot. He says that Amber has a relationship with James that she didn’t have with Leah, and that he has seen how much love is between Amber and her son. 

Kristina says that, because James is not on TV and Amber isn’t allowed to post his photo on The Interwebs, people think she doesn’t take care of him. (Um…?) 

Gary tells Kristina that, while Amber wants 50/50 custody of James, ol’ Andy wants full custody and “a bunch of money.” Andrew also wants to take James back to California, something Gary doesn’t want to see happen because Leah has grown close to the boy. 

Later, Kristina and Leah are playing cards like a couple of ol’ gals in “gel” when Amber arrives. She’s having dinner at the Shirley house and even sits next to Leah to show us how much things have improved from the days of Leah picking out movies about crappy moms and urging Amber to watch them. #SavageShirley

After dinner, Amber takes the opportunity to thank Gary for talking her up to the judge. She says that, sure, she could have gotten “other people” (so…Maci or Catelynn) to speak about her, but she felt it would mean more coming from one of her Baby Daddi, especially one she had beaten up previously and now gets along with.

I think that’s nice…

Amber hopes the judge sees that she and Andrew can repair their co-parenting relationship, just like she and Gary did. (I highly doubt that one day Ambie will be chowing down on mac ‘n’ cheese in Andrew’s kitchen, but fingers crossed for James’ sake.) 

Meanwhile in California, Cheyenne tells “the gals” that the court hearing for the shooting was postponed again. Cheyenne’s mom tells them to be thankful that the “friend” who shot at them and their kids is behind bars because otherwise that would suck…and stuff. 

Since court was cancelled, Cheyenne is left scrambling for a storyline. (Hey, she only gets paid if her segments air, after all!) So she tells her mom and Zach that she wants to break some stuff. (How about an engagement? Would you like to break an engagement? No?  Ok…)

Cheyenne says that she “found” a break room, where they can go into a place with bats and beat the BeJesus out of crap. Of course, she hops on the horn to call up her sister, R U Kidding Me I’d Love To Break Crap, who agrees to join in on the festivities. 

Cheyenne tells her group that the purpose of this place is to just let your rage out and hit stuff until you feel better…or something.

Because Chey showed up with an MTV camera crew, the rage room just “happens” to find some slots available for them to hit stuff right then and there. 

They all just let loose, making like 2010 Amber after Gary just talked to “her f**king dad like that.” They crush bottles, hit microwaves and bust apart a junky car. (Hopefully someone checked to make sure poor Matt Baier wasn’t living inside the car before they beat on it.)

It makes for good TV but is really just wasteful, and even Cheyenne admits that it doesn’t really help her feel better. (It did get her a segment on this crappy show, so at least something was accomplished!) 

Cheyenne goes on to tell her mom that the shooting stole Ryder’s innocence. (Meanwhile Zach just sits there with this doofy look on his face, acting like he has “no idea” why this shooting could have happened.) 

Back in Michigan, it’s the day of Cate’s surgery. Cate gives her mom, April, a brief rundown on which oddly-named child is hooked up to which baby monitor and a reminder that the little one isn’t allowed to gnaw on any loose menthols (at least not without supervision.)

With that, they leave April in charge, and we can see the cloud of smoke from April’s Virginia Slimmies rising above the Baltierra Octagon Home of Triggers.

We then see Cate and Tyler arrive to the hospital– 10 minutes late, natch. 

Later that morning, Tyler arrives back at the hospital to claim his cyst-free wife. Cate tells the camera she’s not in a lot of pain, but is pretty uncomfortable due to the catheter. (Nothing her recovery meal of Coca-Cola and caffeinated frozen coffee won’t fix!) 

Unfortunately for Cate, we learn via title cards that she had to go to the emergency room that night “due to complications with her catheter.” (Did they have it emptying into the wrong Tupperware container or…?)

When we check back in, Cate reveals she still has a catheter, but it isn’t working. (A perfect fit for this show, if you ask us.) After taking a trip back to her doctor to get a new catheter, Cate still isn’t having any success in the urination department. Cate calls the whole ordeal “hell,” explaining that she’s basically been “peeing in my pants for seven days.” 

Despite her pain and pissy pants, Cate says she’s thankful to have such a great support system and is just looking forward to feeling better.

Meanwhile in Florida, Briana and Brittany discuss how aggravated they are and the fact that their mom “can be a little too much sometimes.”

UMMM YA THINK? That’s like saying Maci enjoys a nip at the cooking sherry on a rare occasion, or that Amber has a wee bit of an anger problem.

Briana says she can’t believe Roxanne reached out to her dad without saying anything to her or Brittany first– or more importantly, without giving the show a heads up so it could fire up the camera crew and attempt to capture something even remotely interesting. Brittany reiterates that she “doesn’t like” Roxanne because she isn’t respectful of her daughters’ feelings, adding that she isn’t sure she and Roxanne would even have a relationship if it weren’t for Briana’s kids.

Briana says she needs to figure out what to do about the whole dad situation, while Brittany admits she doesn’t want to go to New York because she’s really doesn’t “give a f**k about the man anymore.” Briana tells Brittany instead of going to New York, she may pull a Roxanne and write him a letter first to see how– or if– he responds.

Briana goes on to read her Dear Daddy letter on camera, in which she tells her father he wasn’t there for her when she needed him, which led her to cry on “different men’s shoulders” in da club in his absence. She ends her message telling her M.I.A. pops that she’d love for them to repair their relationship– preferably on-camera, of course.

When we check back in with Briana, she is absolutely exhausted, “so stressed,” and longing for a life of zero responsibilities. (No, really.)

Little Miss Standup goes on to tell her mom that she decided to forgo her free trip to New York and went with the less-stressful option of writing her dad a letter. Briana says she’s no longer upset about Roxanne trying to contact her dad, though she and Brittany–- who has moseyed her way downstairs at this point-– are still upset that she wrote the letter without telling them about it.

Brittany tells Roxanne that despite her sneaky ways, she’s the only parent they have and the only parent that matters… even if she’s “annoying as s**t.”

I think that’s nice…

Because she can’t just take the W and move on, Roxanne goes on to tell Brittany and Briana “the type of human” their dad is, during which she reveals another secret: she called their father recently and he hung up after hearing her voice. This new piece of information gets Briana and Brittany upset all over again, and suddenly they’re all back to where they started–– crying, screaming, and retreating to different rooms within the house they share.

(Oh, and Briana takes the letter she wrote to her father and lights it on fire in the backyard, presumably to the dismay of her neighbors and the HOA.) So….to recap: arguments, baby daddy bashing and fire— business as usual at the DeJesus home.

Back in Tennessee, it’s the day of Bentley’s bowling alley bash. Maci says she’s prepared herself for the sounds of the bowling alley and is going to try to not let her PCOSPTSD get in the way of Bentley’s celebration. Of course, though, she immediately makes a big deal about there being balloons. At a birthday party. She makes poor Bentley heave the balloons away from her like they were poison (or, you know, job offer).

Bentley does as he’s told.

As beer-swigging adults and mullet-rocking hooligans take turns hurling bowling balls, Maci takes a moment to reflect on the progress she’s made, noting that she couldn’t have gone to a bowling alley six months ago without having “a full-blown freaking panic attack.” 

Taylor seems to want to do anything but be close enough to Maci that she might start blabbering about gas stations but he manages to grunt out that he’s happy…that Maci…could not freak out…and stuff.

Later on at their house, Maci and Bentley talk about the party. Bentley asks Maci if she had a good time at the bowling alley, only to immediately channel his inner-Ryan and zone the hell out while Maci responds.

With Bentley clearly disinterested in partaking in these filming shenanigans, Maci’s girl Oopsie Baby, Jayde, is left to fill in and regurgitate questions fed to her by production.

Maci goes on to talk to Jayde about the shooting and how certain sounds remind her of the gunshots she heard that day. Maci says that maybe she should blow up some balloons (or latex condoms, since we know these people don’t use those things!) and then pop them to see if she gets scared.

She blows up two balloons and lets the Oopsie Babies pop them. And we legit spent our time watching it. Joke’s on US!

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ Click here to read another one of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom’ recaps!

(Photos: MTV)