Howdy fellow crappy TV watchers! The Ashley is back again with another episode of Sister Wives. Yes, she knows she is terrible (like “Robyn‘s eyebrows level” terrible) about keeping up with these recaps, and she apologizes. She will punish herself by watching the “Mykelti Gives Birth” scene on repeat for the next week. 

Anyway, now that Mykelti has grunted, groaned and growled the Tony spawn out of her hooter via homebirth, we can focus on what we’re all really here for: to watch Kody be terrible and to watch Christine live her best “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” life while dumping Kody’s ass.

Yaaas!

This episode kicks off on Coyote Pass, where Kody and the Sister Wives are building their dream homes.

Just kidding. That land is still emptier than Meri‘s bed and Robyn’s eyebrow pencil. 

Actually, we start off at Christine’s (Kody-free) house, after she’s returned home from Mykelti’s birthing nightmare. Christine is gushing about her new granddaughter, Avalon, whom she says is pretty…just like Tony.

Tony apparently hasn’t changed much since we last spent a lot of time with him (during the preparations for his and Mykelti’s vintage/Mexican/piñata/”just mortgage your house to pay for a taco bar” wedding.) Christine says that Tony is mad that Mykelti gets to breastfeed Avalon and therefore spend more time with the baby than he does.

Christine is happy to see that Tony is really into being a dad…unlike somebody we all know and despise…

Speaking of Kody…Christine is preparing to tell the Sister Wives that she is booting Kody not only out of her bedroom but out of her life. She is planning to have “The Big Convo” with Janelle, Meri and Robyn, as well as Kody, soon and is not looking forward to it. As she discusses this, they show weird videos of the Sister Wives walking through tall flowers and weeds while sad music plays in the background.

Christine says she knows that the Sister Wives are going to be upset when she tells them the news that she’s leaving.

(I mean…she knows Robyn’s going to sob the whole time, and Meri’s going to be all pissy because she stuck it out with Captain Duchewad and is miserable so therefore Christine should, too. It will only be hard for Janelle because she’ll have to refrain from whooping, “GIRL YAAAAS!”, at least until Kody leaves.)

Meanwhile though, Kody (and his visor) goes out to sad, lonely Coyote Pass with Janelle. Kody tells us that he still plans on building a house on Coyote Pass and living out there. (Sure, Jan….and visors are going to be the hottest accessory this fall.)

Naturally, Kody is trying to blame Christine leaving as the reason they haven’t built anything on Coyote Pass in the 3+ years they’ve lived in Flagstaff.

UMMMM!?

He says that now that Christine is peacing out, they’ll have to figure out what to do with her piece of dirt. 

Janelle doesn’t care about any of that, because she wants to talk to Kody about the fact that she is basically about to be homeless and nobody cares.

Apparently, the rental home Janelle’s been in living in (where countless minutes of happy times with Kody have taken place) is being sold, so Janelle either has to buy it or move out so it can be sold. While it’s a good deal, Janelle (for some reason) really wants to pursue Kody’s pipe dream of building on Coyote Pass. She realizes the money she would spend to buy the house could go toward building her Coyote Pass home. 

Janelle says that, in order to finally get the Coyote Pass plan in action, she and HER teen daughter, Savannah will have to live in a trailer for a few months. Janelle is bringing up all the important topics: how to finance, where to build, etc. and Kody looks totally overwhelmed by the fact that someone is actually trying to make this Coyote Pass thing happen. 

Kody says they’ll have to pay off the land, which, as he reminds us, was going to be divided into five lots: one for each Sister Wife and one for him. (I, for one, would love to see how Kody would decorate “his” house, even though I know it will never happen. I imagine the walls will be covered with pics of him and Robyn and THEIR kids, plenty of visor hooks and a whole room devoted to curl care products.) 

Kody says that Christine leaving is going to make them have to rethink their “plans” (that, don’t really exist yet) for Coyote Pass. He’s wondering if Christine will keep her land (so she can build a giant dart board with Kody’s face on it?), or if she will sell it or give it to “us.” 

Naturally, Kody starts wavering immediately as soon as Janelle suggests they do actually work to get the plan in motion. He’s stuttering and trying to figure out a way to hold off Janelle (until he can run home and ask Robyn if it’s OK).

However, Janelle’s like, “Um, hello. I’m gonna be living under a bridge with your kid if I don’t find a house!” 

Kody randomly tells the cameras that it was hard for Robyn to find a house big enough to rent (even though literally no one was even talking about Robyn or her House For Wayward Adult Children). 

Janelle again brings up the idea of living in an RV until Kody can get Robyn’s permission for Janelle to not be homeless (or something). She tells Kody that she actually already called the RV dealer to inquire about purchasing a Home On Wheels. She says there is one more of the model she wants and she needs to buy it ASAP.

Kody looks uncomfortable, knowing that ol’ Robby is gonna make him sleep in the mudroom tonight if he OKs a big purchase like that for one of “the others.” He tells us that he and Janelle once lived in a tiny trailer when their oldest son, Logan, was born. (I guess we can assume Meri was living in a tent set up outside the trailer or…?) 

Janelle blurts out that she went ahead and put money down on the trailer, which surprises Kody. 

Janelle is nervous when she hears that Kody’s truck won’t be able to haul the RV to the wretched Coyote Pass land, so they’ll have to spend even more money to buy a truck to haul it. (What do these people have against renting a truck?) 

Then Kody starts telling jokes. The first joke he tells is when he pretends that he’s not sure if he wants to live in an RV…as if he is actually spending any real time shacking up in Casa de Janelle. 

He’s sore that Janelle made the choice on her own and didn’t ask him if he wanted to live in an RV, or if she could buy an RV.

Janelle says that she didn’t really want to decide without him but, you know, the fact that her and Savannah (one of Kody’s “tender-aged kids”) were about to be homeless caused her to panic, and if she waited for Kody to consult Robyn decide, they’d be sleeping ’round back of Robyn’s house (where she stores her bottles of Lysol and— probably— Kody’s testicles). 

Janelle tells Kody that if she just buys the house in town, she knows Coyote Pass will never happen. She says her sleeping there on a camper will force the family to actually go to the land and want to do something with it (other than just film awkward scenes for their reality show there).

Kody tells us that this is all a ploy by that sneaky Janelle to get herself a camper.

Kody is happy to hear that his unliked offspring– the COVIDy Garrison and Gabriel— plan on moving out if Janelle moves into the RV.

Janelle tells us that she’s been mentioning to Kody that she and Savannah will be homeless and that she wants to buy a trailer, but she isn’t sure that Kody has been listening to her.

In other news: water is wet.

Later, Kody gives us a rundown of his wives’ obedience levels. (EW.) He says that, in the past, Meri and Robyn have worked with him “well,” but sometimes Janelle didn’t work with him. He notes that Christine was usually “compliant.” (Ugh.)

Kody adds that the one time Christine didn’t get what she wanted— to move the family to Utah— she decided to leave Kody and move herself. 

(He’s conveniently forgotten all the times he gaslighted her, verbally abused her, neglected their children and basically boned Robyn in front of her for the last decade or so.)

Back at Christine’s house, she tells us that Ysabel is planning for her senior year of high school, and that she wants to go back in-person. We get to sit in on a “family” video call with Kody and the Sister Wives, where they talk about the kids returning to school. 

(For some reason Meri— who has no school-aged children— is forced to sit in on the call. She looks like she was just brought back from the dead as she sits there, zombie-like listening to these people argue.) 

Christine tells the gang that Ysabel wants to go to school, and says she doesn’t know if that means Kody can’t visit her anymore. Robyn is giving the death stare when Christine mentions that Ysabel wants to be around all those COVID-spreading germ bucket high schoolers.

Christine tells us that she knows Kody spoke with Robyn’s daughter Brianna and asked her not to go back to in-person school. But Kody never came and spoke to Ysabel about it. Kody says that because Christine hasn’t been wiping down her mail and bathing her kids in Clorox each night and whatnot, he didn’t think she would listen to him anyway if he asked her not to send Ysabel to school. 

Christine says it’s not fair that Ysabel has to choose between seeing her dad or her friends. Kody says it’s not his fault he has standards.

Christine says that she was actually hoping Kody would ask Ysabel not to go back to school, because it would prove that he cared to see her and spend time with her. 

Kody says that going to visit with Ysabel (and Truely) isn’t a priority for him because the girls dare to go to bed while he’s still there. (Are they supposed to stay up to spend time with The King, after her gives Robyn a pickle tickle and finally staggers over to Christine’s house to put in a few hours at night?) 

Later, Janelle thinks she has the biggest news in the family. She calls the gang over so she can inform them that she bought a trailer and will be moving to Coyote Pass! 

And, of course, because Kody and Robyn are still fearful of all the viruses that are surely lurking at Janelle’s, everyone has to sit outside in the yard. (They even summon Meri from her belltower to join in on the “family” conversation.) 

Janelle excitedly announces that she’s moving into a trailer, and everyone’s excited for her, except for Robyn, who is sulking like Revlon just discontinued her shade of eyebrow pencil.

Christine says that living in a camper out in the middle of their abandoned property sounds like a nightmare but, hey, you know, whatever floats Janelle’s boat.

The other Sister Wives all agree that they’d rather be forced to clean the hairballs out of Kody’s shower drain with their teeth than live in a camper on Coyote Pass. However, they (well, Christine and Meri) are excited that Janelle is so excited, and they’re surprised that she did something so impulsive like buying a camper without seeing it first. They are shocked that Janelle is planning to live in the RV for a whole year while her Coyote Pass house is being built. 

Christine knows that Flagstaff winters are rough and that Janelle is basically going to turn into a Polyga-Popsicle out there, but she wants to be supportive. Plus, you know, she’s outta there soon, so she doesn’t care what any of these people do. 

Next, Janelle reveals that she will also have to buy a giant truck to haul this trailer to Coyote Pass. Kody says his truck is too small to pull Janelle’s long, long trailer, and Christine agrees, telling us that Kody drives a “wussy truck.” 

Kody tells the Sister Wives that they should all pray they make enough money shilling leggings and pink drink magic potions online so that they can pay off the Coyote Pass property and build outhouses out there…or something. I don’t know…

The conversation about Coyote Pass makes Christine realize that she really needs to tell the Sister Wives that she’s leaving Kody, polygamy and all of their nutty ideas behind. Christine says that she has no intention of ever moving to Coyote Pass and doesn’t want her land. 

She calls the gang back over to her house (outside, of course) to tell them her big news. 

“We can only sit outside, six feet apart,” Christine says cheerfully, knowing that soon she can tell Kody where to shove his COVID tests.

Christine says that, because she doesn’t want to involve the show’s producers and crew and let them know she’s leaving Kody yet, she has chosen to film the convo with their personal cell phones. 

Christine gets right into it, telling the Sister Wives that her marriage to Kody has been a big ol’ trashbox for a long time. She then blurts out that she’s “decided to leave. I’m gonna leave Kody. Just leave…”

The Sister Wives looked stunned. 

“It’s a hard decision. I need to make a choice for happiness and to have joy in my life,” Christine says.

“There hasn’t been a lot of hope at all until I decided to leave,” Christine tells them. 

Robyn is the first to speak. She says she was so worried that Christine would tell them she’s escaping leaving. Christine tells her this is not just a “break” from their mop-headed man and that it is, in fact, final. 

Janelle seems to be the only Sister Wife who isn’t surprised that Christine is dipping out on their PolgiHell. She says she knew it was coming but it’s still hard to believe that Christine is leaving.

Christine drops another bomb on the Sister Wives when she informs them that she is moving to Utah and leaving Kody & his Trio of Unhappy Wives behind! She then offers Janelle the opportunity to rent her home, if she wants to. 

The Sister Wives look overwhelmed and, in the case of Meri and Robyn, downright angry.

Christine tells them that her kids will still have the same relationships they had with the other kids in the family, but it will look different. Meri tells us that Christine leaving Kody means she will have to turn in her title of “Sister Wife.” 

Janelle realizes how big of a part Christine has been in her life, and how weird it will be to continue to trudge on as Kody’s wife without her.

Robyn still can’t believe that Christine doesn’t want to live in misery in a sexless, loveless marriage with Kody. She keeps asking Christine if she’s sure she wants to give all of that up. She tells us she can’t believe Kody is “letting” this happen.

Robyn reminds us that she is divorced and knows how awful it is. She says her divorce was “hell” for years.

Meri says that she’s unhappy with the situation and that she’s angry with Christine for choosing her own happiness over the family. Meri— the woman they treat like Quasimodo and only allow to be part of their family on very special occasions– says that they all committed to loving and respecting each other when they got married.

When asked about Truely, Christine just flat-out says she’s taking her from Kody, while Kody sits there with a dumb look on his face. (He’s probably trying to figure out which one Truely is.) 

Kody speaks up, saying that Christine can’t “take” Truely from him, and that he will “have to” get 50/50 custody of her. 

“I never said I was OK with you moving,” Kody tells Christine. “You never asked if you could move. You said that you were moving. That doesn’t mean you just run with Truely, and Truely is out of my life.”

Christine is so over this man-child, who is suddenly acting like the Father Knows Best of polygamy. She knows that this is all about the loss of control, not the loss of his daughter for Kody. Kody proves this soon after, telling us that Christine didn’t ask him if it was OK that he got kicked out of the house, or that she left him or that she moved.

Imagine that. Christine didn’t ask her soon-to-be-ex-husband if she could dump him. THE NERVE! 

Christine is just livid. She tells the cameras that she finds it ironic that Kody is suddenly so interested in spending time with Truely, given that Kody barely spent any time at her home with HER kids in the past.

“Well hell, he could have had 50/50 time with us the whole f**king time we lived here!” she says. “If he wanted 50/50 he should have been around more!” 

Kody can’t get it through his Top Ramen-covered head that Christine doesn’t give two craps about what he wants anymore. 

Back at the convo with the Sister Wives, Janelle brings up how close Truely is to Robyn’s kids, Solomon and Ari. Robyn looks like she’s about to start sobbing again at the mention of her kids’ names.

Christine disputes that, saying that Truely is actually closer to the family members who live in Utah. (That’s probably because the poor kid has to be dunked in Lysol anytime she wants to see King Sol and Queen Ari.) 

“She’s totally loved and accepted and adored in Utah,” Christine says.

Janelle sees the writing on the wall, though. She knows that Truely isn’t going to come back to Flagstaff, because that would mean Kody would have to actually take an active role in her life, go get her in Utah, and let Truely stay at his and Robyn’s house while she’s visiting. She knows that AIN’T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

Robyn asks Christine if this means that she is done with the Sister Wives, too. 

Naturally, Kody can’t imagine that Christine would ever want to leave him (being such the prize that he is), or their unhappy life in Flagstaff– unless there’s some greedy guy she wants to hump back in Utah. He suggests that she only wants to go to Utah to date “some guy.”

REALLY, KODY?!?! 

He says that Christine needed “a certain level of attention” and that’s why their marriage didn’t work.

Kody finally admits that he and Christine had been killing themselves for years— since Las Vegas— to try to “redeem” their awful marriage and now they have to accept that it’s not going to work. 

Then, just when we are starting to think Kody is being a halfway decent human for admitting that, he doubles down on his douchebag-ness and declares to his other three wives that he is going to be the “Head of My Household” again.

He tells the Sister Wives that everyone is going to need to “conform to patriarchy.”

(I’ll save you the Google: the definition of patriarchy is, “a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.”)

Lovely.

Kody says he’s tired of trying to make all of the Sister Wives happy, so now everyone needs to just do what he says and shut their mouth.

Janelle tells the cameras that she did NOT sign up for patriarchy, thank you very much.

Kody disputes that statement, though, saying that Janelle agreed when she came into “The Family” that Kody was the head of the family and that she would “run her will into” Kody’s. 

Kody tells his wives that they better get in line and treat him like the head of household or they’ll be cut out. He says he should have squashed the Sister Wives’ independence years ago.

“I’m at the point in my life where I don’t have time to waste on people who won’t respect me,” he says.

OH NO YOU DID NOT.

The episode ends with Robyn stating that she hopes the other Sister Wives realize what a big “dill” this all is and that they fall in line with Kody’s demands. 

To read another one of The Ashley’s ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)