Gather ’round kiddies! It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter, the place where someone is always getting a body part sucked, snipped or supersized; someone’s on probation and someone is boozin’! This episode promises a whole heap of hot mess, so let’s get started!

We kick things off in Indiana, where Amber is telling us about the stresses of being on probation. She tells us that, while on probation, she has been forced to take anger-management classes, see a psychiatrist and stay away from drunks.

Luckily for Ambie, she has Gary and Kristina by her side to celebrate as Amber is nearing the end of her probation. Amber says she plans to keep her debauchery to a minimum until the day she gets off ProBo, just to be safe. Her teen daughter, Leah, recommends she wait at least two days to return to her law-straddling antics, just to be sure she doesn’t end up back in the slammer, using Jolly Ranchered-flavored water as hair gel.

I think that’s nice…

“Be extra careful,” Leah advises her mom.

Amber then tells us that she’s “made many mistakes” in her past. We are then treated to watching a teen Amber (with her Roseanne Barr bangs and pumpkin-orange tan) poppin’ pills, screamin’ at Gary and gettin’ sent to “gel.” We also get to see Ambie storm the stage and attempt to slap Farrah during their infamous Reunion fight. 

We then take a stroll down Cellblock Lane, with the footage highlighting Ambie’s most-recent run-in with the law. As we know, she was arrested for assaulting her then-boyfriend Andrew Glennon, and we see various clips of Amber, screamin’ on Instagram Live about how this is all Andrew’s fault. 

She tells the Shirleys that she’s in a “lot better place now” and even joins in on a group hug. Gary looks relieved that he and Amber are now at a place where he doesn’t have to worry about a TV flying at his head on the regular. 

As Amber is leaving Gary’s for the night, Leah– a teen— reminds her mother– a grown ass adult— to “make good choices.”

Amber tells Leah she will “always” make good choices and Leah just gives her this look.

When we check in with Briana this week, she’s “upset” and “sad” at both her dad and Stella’s dad, Luis, as both papas have a thing for going MIA. 

Briana says she doesn’t know what to do, so naturally, she calls her good friend “Cate Mtv” to get some advice. Briana tells Cate that she feels depressed, and though she’s been seeing a therapist, it’s not giving her “the kick” she needs.

Briana believes she may need to begin taking medication for her depression, which leads Cate to ask what kind of symptoms Briana has been experiencing. Briana says she feels exhausted and hasn’t wanted to do anything-– including get out of bed–- which makes her feel like a bad mom. 

Briana says it’s important for her to be there for Stella and Nova, because without her, they have no one to take care of them except Roxanne, Devoin and Brittany. Briana goes on to ask Cate if she’s ever seen a psychiatrist, to which Cate replies, “Yes, I have. Multiple ones”– a response usually given when one of the moms in this franchise is asked if she has a baby daddy.

Cate says she eventually found a psychiatrist she really likes and has been seeing her “faithfully” for the last three years.

Briana admits she’s scared of being diagnosed with something that will just make her more depressed. She also mentions that bipolar depression runs through her family, including with both her mom and sister. In response, Cate rips off a slogan she once read on a bumper sticker and reminds Briana, “you are not your diagnosis.” 

Later on, Briana sits down with her mom and sister to reveal that she visited a psychiatrist and has officially been diagnosed with bipolar depression. Briana says she spoke to her doctor about medication options, and they were able to find one that will not make her gain weight or feel groggy.

Over in Tennessee, they’ve managed to figure out something to film Maci about. Once again, though, Bentley is carrying the whole damn season on his back for his family. They’ve decided to force the kid to talk to Maci about getting an Instagram account. (I’m having flashbacks of the 17 seasons of Teen Mom 2 they did about Aubree getting a cellphone, guys. I can’t do this again!) 

Maci tells “the gals” that she’s worried about Bentley being on social media, because, you know, somebody put him on TV before the amniotic fluid was even wiped off his newborn baby body, so things are different for him than for other kids. Taylor says that the show’s fans already come to their house to get a glimpse of them, so he’s worried what will happen if Bentley posts his location and fans find him.

Taylor says that Bentley should get social media, but both admit they’re terrified of Bentley having the world in his hands. 

“Parenting is stupid, why do we have to make these decisions?” Maci says.

Later, they drag poor Bentley out by his mullet to let him know that he’s allowed to get The ‘Gram as long as he follows their rules and guidelines. We then get to watch as Maci sets up Bentley’s account.

Riveting content, I tells ya.

Meanwhile, in Michigan, Catelynn tells “the gals” that Tyler has agreed to go through with the vasectomy finally. 

Oh, super. Another episode about Tyler’s balls. I must have beat some baby daddies or something in a past life to deserve this torture, I swear…

Tyler tells their friend that he will be icing his balls for two days after the snippage. Cate even shows us all of the bags of corn she will be using to freeze the pain out of Ty’s manhood. 

As you do.

Cate will be driving Tyler to get The Big Snip, meaning that Cate’s mom April will be coming to watch the three Not-Carlys. Unfortunately, though, ol’ Ape is back on the sauce, so Catelynn is worried about leaving her three young children alone with her. 

UM..?

Catelynn says that, because April— being such a pillar of society and all— refuses to drink and drive, she can be sure that April won’t be slugging down the Smirnoff (or whatever bootleg brand of booze she can get her mitts on) while she’s babysitting. 

We are then treated to clips of some of April’s finer parenting moments, such as when she stuck up for her then-husband Butch instead of Catelynn during an argument, or when April hurled insults at Catelynn during a car ride.

Catelynn says she doesn’t want the Not-Carlys to experience the drunken escapades of April that she had to endure as a kid. 

Catelynn says she plans to talk to April about her drinking after she babysits the Not-Carlys while Tyler’s getting neutered. Cate’s friend is like, “Um…shouldn’t you talk to her before trusting her with your two kids and infant?” 

Cate says, to her knowledge, April doesn’t treat her grandkids like crap, but, you know, she did give Vaeda a bath while she was all liquored up so there’s that.

UM!??!

Also, where’s Tyler’s mom Kim in all of this?! Can’t she watch the kids instead of letting April do another round of blitzed babysitting?! Hell, it would be safer to leave the Not-Carlys with a therapy horse rather than April! 

Finally, we head to over to California, where Cheyenne is SO overwhelmed, because her wedding is only four months away. While throwing parties is to Cheyenne what waking up in the morning is to everyone else (except Amber, of course), she notes that this is an especially stressful event to plan because she and Zach will also be moving into a new home soon. 

Despite all of the party-planning pressure, Cheyenne is able to find a moment to think about something other than herself as she reminds viewers that Cory will soon be welcoming another baby soon. Cheyenne says she’s excited about Cory and Taylor‘s baby news, but we all know she’s low-key pissed off that her screen time is being used for something that’s not wedding-related. 

Cory comes over and reveals that he and Taylor have been informed that their unborn daughter Maya has tricuspid atresia. Cory explains that baby Maya’s right ventricle didn’t grow to the proper size and isn’t “large enough to even really use.” Because of this, little Maya will have to under three separate surgeries in order to help her get the oxygen that her body needs. 

Cory says Cheyenne can probably relate to what he and Taylor are going through, given that Ryder was born with health issues, too. Cheyenne asks Cory how Taylor is doing, noting that she’s probably “devastated.” 

Cory then apologizes(?!) for “hitting” Chey and Zach with the news about baby Maya, because celebration-consumed Cheyenne has apparently somehow convinced Cory that her upcoming nuptials are more of a priority than his child’s health. Cheyenne tells Cory they have strong bond because of Ryder, and she assures him that she and Zach are there if he and Taylor need anything. (As long as it doesn’t conflict with a previously scheduled cake tasting or mood-lighting consultation, that is.)

When we check back in with Cheyenne, baby Maya has arrived, and Cory says her first surgery went well. Still, he admits it’s a lot, seeing his child go through so much. Later on, Cory stops by Cheyenne’s house to let Ryder know she’s a big sister– again.

On a more-positive note, Ryder is set to graduate from preschool the following day, and everyone is pumped for the inevitable over-the-top celebration. 

Back in Indiana, Amber is heading out in a coat that looks like it was made from skinned Muppets. 

Amber goes into her car to call up CateMtv who reports that she looks “like complete trash.” 

I’m not even going to comment on that….

Catelynn adjusts her bacon-like side bangs as she listens to Amber complain about how she’s living two lives— one where she’s the fifth wheel in Gary’s family, and one where things feel split. Or something. I don’t know. 

Amber does report, though, that she and her daughter Leah are getting along well again. 

Amber then tells Cate that she’s almost off probation, but she will be following her own rules going forward. She is not allowed to do shots, get drunk or “twisted” (which we can assume is “Amber” code for getting HIGH! HIGH! on Xanies and slapping a baby daddy around?)

Amber says that, while she’s never had a drinking problem, she feels it’s important to have some boundaries for everything to keep herself out of trouble in the future. 

Later, Amber tells Producer David that her probation officer filed her discharge paperwork and it’s been approved, meaning her days on ProBo are officially coming to an end! She tells him how hard being on probation has been on her. She says she remembered telling Leah years ago, when she got out of prison initially, that she would always be there, only to disappoint the kid again when she went “Michael Myers” on Baby Daddy No. 2 and got arrested.

“You think I didn’t think of that when I was settin’ in that gel cell?” Amber says, as Producer David looks absolutely terrified.

Later that day, Amber tells “the gals” that she will be going to have a drink with a friend to celebrate getting off probation. They find some rando named Lexi (who comes all suited up in her Fashion Nova finest) to be the “friend.” 

WHERE THE HELL IS COUSIN KRYSTAL?! WE WANT KRYSTAL! WE WANT KRYSTAL!

Lexie tells Ambie that she almost bought her a cake at the store to celebrate. (Apparently, the “Congrats on Getting Sprung From Probation” cakes were all sold out at the Walmart?) 

Instead, Amber enjoys a well-deserved cocktails and they cheers to Amber no longer having a probation officer breathing down her neck. 

Amber tells her friend that Leah has expressed that it’s not really fair that James has had “good Amber” as his mom, while Leah was stuck with orange-faced-kick-ya-down-the-stairs trashbag Amber growing up. This, of course, saddens Amber and she vows to try to be the best “Ambie” she can for Leah’s sake going forward. 

Back in Michigan, it’s the day of The Big Snip for Tyler. April staggers into the Octagon ‘o’ Triggers with a rather sus Styrofoam “soda” cup. 

Catelynn doesn’t tell April that she plans to ambush her on-camera about her boozin’, and everyone is pretending like everything’s OK (except poor Tyler, who knows only an hour or so separates his ballsack from surgical scissors.) 

Ty and Cate head off to the surgery center, talking about Tyler having to shave his testicles. (Seriously, April, can I have a sip of that “soda?” I need it to get through this episode!) 

Later, Ty and Cate come walking out (post-snip) and Tyler talks about getting a “ball bath” and seeing “smoke coming from my nuts.” 

JESUS GOD LEAH.

They arrive back to the Octagon ‘o’ Triggers and are relieved to see April is still conscious and hasn’t traded any of the Not-Carlys for a 12-pack of bruskies. Catelynn pulls April aside to “chit-chat” about April getting sloshed on the regular.

(Tyler looks like he’d rather get his nuts burned off again rather than sit in on that convo with April.) 

Unfortunately (for us), once April realizes what Cate wants to talk to her about, she strips off her mic and doesn’t let the cameras film the conversation. 

WE SAT THROUGH ALL THAT NUT TALK AND WE DON’T EVEN GET TO WATCH THE GOOD STUFF?! COME THE HELL ON!

Naturally, MTV doesn’t give two flying funguses about respecting anyone’s wishes and, even though they’re not getting audio of the convo, they keep filming through a crack in the door as Cate and April talk. It’s slimy and I love it. 

Later, Catelynn tells Tyler that the talk with her mom went well, and April didn’t get mad or call anyone a bitch or anything. Cate says that April admitted to sloshing back more booze than usual lately, but swears that she’s done with that now.

Awesome. 

Over in California, it’s the day of Ryder’s big graduation…from preschool. Cheyenne’s whole family–- yes, even R You Gonna Ask Why My Son Is Wearing Swim Trunks To His Cousin’s Graduation–- head out for Ryder’s graduation. Unfortunately, Cory won’t be able to make it because Taylor is back in the hospital with an infection. Luckily, Cory is able to stop by Cheyenne’s mom’s house later to attend Ryder’s over-the-top graduation party. 

Cory stands around as Cheyenne and her friends compliment him on his ability to stay strong while dealing with baby Maya’s health issues. 

After the party, Cheyenne breaks down in tears, telling the camera that when she was pregnant with Ryder, she trained her mind to know that she was going to be a single mom, and looking around during Ryder’s party made her really happy to know that Ryder not only has Cory in her life, but also Taylor and Zach. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here!

(Photos: MTV)