Howdy kids. We are eight episodes into this pit-stain of a reality show, and this episode right here has all the things we’ve come to expect from a Teen Mom episode: Someone’s losing custody of their kid, someone’s getting plastic surgery and someone is moving. It’s like we’re back in 2011 again, right?!

This episode of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter kicks off in the wake of Amber losing custody of her son, James. We then see brief clips of each mom (supposedly) reacting to the news, but because Briana and Jade apparently gave the most genuine performances, they get to talk about what happened via FaceTime.  

Jade and Briana can’t understand why the judge did Amber so dirty, being that she took all of the court ordered steps she needed to take to make things right. Jade says people are too focused on what others have done in their past instead of letting them move forward. Or something. 

Jade and Briana say they’ll be there to support Amber and to assure her that people care about her.

We then check in with Gary as he breaks the custody news to Kristina. Gary says Andrew has been granted permission to move to California with James. They know that soon, little James will be very far away from the couches of Indiana where his mother resides.

While wiping away tears, Kristina tells Gary she’s in shock and upset over the way everything has turned out, noting that Gary still needs tell Leah what has happened. Gary says Leah loves her brother and he hopes Andrew recognizes that the sibling relationship between the two of them is important. 

Later on, viewers get to see Amber’s statement on the judge’s ruling by way of dramatic–- and partially highlighted–- screenshots. Amber claims she’ll “never stop fighting” for her children and honestly, we believe her. After all, there’s nothing Amber enjoys more than a good fight.

When we last saw Cheyenne, she was retreating to her kitchen pantry in tears after learning her dented/dislodged boob surgery had to be postponed due to her surgeon having food poisoning. (You can’t make this stuff up, people.)

Cheyenne begins this week by reminding viewers how stressful this whole ordeal has been for her. Fortunately for her and the 37 outfits she’s planning to wear while celebrating her bachelorette party in Las Vegas, Cheyenne’s surgeon is able to reschedule her procedure ASAP so it mostly likely won’t interfere with her bachelorette partyin’.

Phew! I mean, if the Doc has to stop and puke into a trashcan while he fixes Cheyenne’s boobs so be it! She has a bachelorette party to go to, people! 

On the way to her doctor’s office, Cheyenne explains to her mom, Margaret, that she’ll first head to surgery and from there, the aftercare facility will pick her up in an ambulance and transport her to “the recovery house,” which is actually located in a hotel.  

Cheyenne is nervous and eager to get her implant fixed so that she doesn’t look lopsided in her white bachelorette party dress. 

Cheyenne’s doctor– no longer projectile vomiting, we presume– enters the pre-op room to talk to Cheyenne about her procedure and to add his own narrative to Cheyenne’s airbag deployment story.

Chey is wheeled into surgery and they actually let MTV stay in the operating room and film from afar. Awesome.

Two hours after entering the operating room, Cheyenne’s surgery is finished and the doctor informs Margaret and Zach that everything went well, right before throwing up a peace sign and heading out.

When Margaret and Zach walk into the recovery room, Cheyenne is out of it. Moments after Chey is covered with a literal pile of blankets, EMTs lift her onto a stretcher before rolling her out to the ambulance.

Next we head over to Michigan, where Catelynn, Tyler and Tyler’s mom, Kim, are attempting to enjoy a sad meal. In between forcing mystery meat down their throats, Tyler and Cate avert their eyes to one of the Carly Clones (Vegas Vaeda) who is wildin’ out like Grandpa Butch after a huge whiff of white rock. 

Later on, Cate tells the girls that Vaeda has been getting a lot of ear infections lately and hasn’t “really been talking clearly,” so she thinks Vaeda may not be able to hear very well. Cate says she and Tyler are taking Vaeda to see an ENT specialist to find out what’s going on. 

Once they arrive at the appointment, Vaeda serves some major scream/shout/flail-your-body about energy as her parents talk ear infections and whatnot. After Vaeda is wrangled by her mom, the doctor takes a look at her ears and says that things look pretty good. 

The doctor then talks about the criteria for having tubes put in your ears, telling Cate and Tyler that Vaeda is “kind of borderline for a candidate. We then see Vaeda head into a booth for her hearing test, giving us our second-favorite Butch impression this episode.

Meanwhile down in Florida, Briana is hanging out with her friend ”Shirley” Shae and dropping a major bomb: she’s ready to fly the coop.    

Briana says she’s wants to move out, needs “to do something,” and is “itching to just get the f**k out.” 

Though she isn’t sure how her mom, sister or daughters will react to this decision, Briana says she needs to be “a little selfish” and do what’s right for her. 

Um….???! When has Briana not done “what’s right for her?”

Later on, Briana tells Brittany she’s looking at houses and because Brittany is basically living with her boyfriend at this point, she refrains from calling dibs on a room for herself in Briana’s potential-new pad. Briana and Brittany agree that if it were up to Roxanne, they’d all be shacking up together in their toxic coven dwelling forever. Instead, Roxanne will soon be flying solo as an empty nester. 

Though Briana is currently booed up with Bobby, she tells Brittany she definitely won’t get a place with him right now because she wants to experience living on her own with her daughters.

Finally, we check in on Jade. Her trusty pal Chau (who never misses an opportunity to get an MTV paycheck and/or show off the latest color of Manic Panic hair dye she’s slathered on) arrives at Jade’s house just in time to hear Jade complain about “not having no damn dishwasher.” 

Chau tells Jade that, in honor of her upcoming birthday, “she” (i.e. MTV) will be taking Jade out for a night on the town at “da club” and for a fancy dinner.

Jade tells Chau she’s excited…in literally the least-excited-sounding voice a person could muster. 

Later, Chau calls up Sean, who is sitting in his bright white new truck, showing off his bright white new teeth. It’s here that we realize that Chau’s plan to take Jade to some fancy eating and “da club” is all a ruse! We’ve been tricked! 

“She’s buying it,” Chau tells Sean. 

We find out that Chau is in on a plan of Sean’s to surprise Jade at a hotel. His plan, for some reason, involves a broken hotel air conditioner. (I mean…what could be more romantic than that, am I right?) 

In order to get this mastermind scheme pulled off, though, they’re gonna have to figure out somewhere to dump Clow-ee. Luckily, Jade’s (former?) addict mom, Christy, is free and they plan to drop the kid off with her. 

Super. 

Sean still hasn’t revealed why he’s lying to Jade about a broken hotel A/C; however, he tells us that, just a few short years ago (and a set of rotted-out teeth ago), he wouldn’t have been able to “pull this thing off.” 

Chau pays “kudos to” Sean’s ass and says that, a year ago, she wouldn’t have helped Sean pull off this scheme. 

When we check back in with Gary, he’s preparing to tell Leah the outcome of Amber’s (latest) trip to the courthouse.

After Gary tells Leah there’s a pretty solid chance that Andrew will be taking her little bro to California, Leah tells her dad, “it’s really unfair.” …and because she’s both mature beyond her years and a level 10 savage when it comes to making digs at her mom, Leah notes that the move will be sad for Amber because she and James have a really close relationship–- the exact kind of relationship Leah says she “didn’t have with her mom.” 

Leah mentions all of the work her mom has done and how it was basically “all for nothing.” Gary tells Leah it wasn’t all for nothing, and he’s not wrong. After all, it did give them something to talk about this episode. Leah says she reached out to Amber earlier in the week to see how things were going and to tell her she loves her. Gary tells Leah to just focus on giving her little bro lots of love and communicating with Amber when she’s comfortable.  

We finally head to Amber’s Airbnb for the first time this episode, and are greeted with sappy music and a solemn Amber, telling the other moms she wants to be alone right now so she can keep her thoughts to herself and her couch puppets, and focus on not getting angry. (Umm, ok.) Unfortunately for Amber, her pseudo-parents Gary and Kristina decide to stop by to bring her some food and kind words. In return, Amber opens the door and announces that she’s been puking. 

When they begin discussing the James situation, Amber tells Gary and Kristina she feels the court’s decision shows that if you have a mental illness but work to be a stable person, it doesn’t matter; and if you have postpartum depression, “you’re a piece of s**t.” 

Amber is in disbelief that her son is going to be taken from her and moved across the country, and of course, Saint Kristina completely agrees. Amber argues that James has more family in Indiana– including Gary and Kristina, whom Amber says are family. Amber adds that the messages she’s been receiving from Leah have her downright kvelling. 

Kristina assures Amber that Leah is in her corner and sees the progress she’s made, even if the judge doesn’t.  

Back in Los Angeles, Cory is still hanging with Ryder while Cheyenne recovers from surgery. Two days later, Cheyenne emerges from her blanket cocoon and FaceTimes her parents to check in. Moments after getting on the call, Cheyenne starts to get emotional, telling her parents that she “just feels like a normal person again.” 

Cheyenne’s parents share in her happiness, but not for long because Cheyenne has one more obstacle standing in her way before she’s able to pack her bags and new boobs and book it to her bachelorette party: she has to get the OK from her doctor. Cheyenne’s dad assures her everyone will understand if she’s unable to go on the trip and that no matter what, he still loves her…almost as much as he loves making a weekly appearance on this show via FaceTime. 

During her appointment, Cheyenne is cleared by her doctor to go to Las Vegas, as long as she doesn’t “submerge underwater” or get absolutely turnt while she’s there.  

Later at her mom’s house, Cheyenne reveals the good news to her sister, R U Cool With Me Gettin’ Litty For The Both Of Us, and we find out the theme of Cheyenne’s bachelorette party: Chey’s Last Hoedown.

When we check back in with Cate, the doctor informs her and Tyler that Vaeda’s hearing is just fine and she won’t need surgery, unlike seemingly every other person on this show. The doctor says he’ll refer Cate and Tyler to a good speech therapist for Vaeda, and honestly, Vaeda seems super pumped about it. 

Back at the Octagon of Triggers, Cate and Tyler give April a hoedown rundown of Vaeda’s appointment and Cate says she’s glad Vaeda’s hearing is good. After all, it would be a shame if she had been missing out on her parents’ daily Carly Chats and BrandonandTeresa Bash Sessions this whole time.  

April–- noted pillar of good choices and great parenting–- tells Cate and Tyler they should wait to get Vaeda into speech therapy, despite what her doctor recommends. Both April and Too Loud Tyler believe it’s best to see what Vaeda’s teachers think, as they are around Vaeda when she’s interacting with other kids at school. 

Cate later tells the camera that Vaeda will be receiving speech therapy at school. We just hope the school can also send someone home to help Tyler work on his inside voice.

When we check back in with Briana, she’s already begun looking at apartments and three seconds later, she finds out she’s been approved for a place. Briana shares the news with Brittany, who congratulates her with, “bye, bitch.”

I think that’s nice…

That night, Briana sits down with her mom–- but not before serving her an alcoholic beverage to hopefully take the edge off-– and reveals that she wants to move out. Unlike Brittany’s loving “bye i*tch,” Roxanne reacts to this news by telling Briana she can’t move Nova and Stella away because they’re her kids, too.  

Briana apologizes to Roxanne, but says it’s time for her to do her own thing. Surprisingly, Roxanne says she agrees, as long as Briana isn’t moving out to let Bobby someone else move in. Briana assures her that isn’t the plan. Briana later explains that growing up Hispanic, “families just stick together,” so she never felt the need to leave hers. However, she feels like it’s time for her to be on her own because she doesn’t know what’s going to happen in a few years…more specifically, who within the ‘Teen Mom’ franchise–- cast or crew-– she’ll be dating next. 

Back in Indiana, Jade and Chau head to the hotel and are alarmed to find out that their suite is having A/C issues.

(But…tehehe…it’s not really having issues…tehehe…)

The hotel desk clerk is trying so hard to not smile as she explains the “issues.” She seems very proud of herself when Jade buys the scheme.

They go upstairs to the temporary room, which Jade is upset to see is tiny. She vows to “make do” and start to get ready anyway. (A saint, that one!) 

Meanwhile, that sneaky Sean is upstairs at the hotel getting ready for the big surprise…which we finally find out is a proposal! 

Another one…

Unlike the last time he proposed to Jade (which included a grunt that sounded like “marry me” and comments about her sausage fingers), Sean has gone all out this time around. He has more Mylar heart balloons than Party City the day before Valentine’s Day and has big letters spelling out “Marry Me” up on the rooftop area he plans to bring Jade. There are roses everywhere and Sean has called up a group of friends and family to witness the proposal. 

Sean talks to Jade’s brother Kaine. (Apparently poorly spelled “K” names run in Jade’s family?) He says that, even though he’s “tried” proposing to Jade a few times, this time it’s for real. 

Just then, Christy arrives. She’s managed to keep Klo-ieee alive and well and get her to the proposal on-time. Christy is smiling ear-to-ear (and also looking to see if the trays of snacks have been put out yet). 

Naturally, one of Jade’s relatives is eager to get the bottle of champagne popped. Sean— the recovering addict— has to remind him that he no longer drinks.

Of course, Jade’s family swarms the free champagne like vultures to a carcass. 

Meanwhile upstairs, Jade is gluing on hair (as you do) and trying to find the perfect frock to accentuate her BBL-ed butt. (For some reason she chooses a dress that looks like the shirt to a pirate costume but OK…)

Just then, Chau gets a call (tehehehe) alerting her that the “air conditioner” is fixed and they can go to their real room now. They head up the elevator but they’re not really going to the A/C suite! They’re going to the roof! Tehehehehe…

Jade opens the door to the suite and sees that the floor has been covered in red rose petals.

“What the f**k?” Jade screeches before looking back at Chau. (She looks a bit worried that Chau has concocted this whole thing to try to put the moves on Jade.) 

As Jade walks further in, though, she sees Sean and looks a bit relieved.  She does look totally confused and a little scared, though.

Finally, someone tells her to read the “MARRY ME” sign and it all starts to click. Sean then whips out some sort of scrap metal that he’s composed his proposal vows on. He vows to continue to choose her, through bad BBLs and rehab stays, through poorly timed photoshoots and season after season of terrible reality shows. Jade looks moved by his kind words. 

Sean drops to one knee and asks Jade to marry him. For a moment she doesn’t say anything and it looks like this is going to turn into the most-awkward episode of ‘Teen Mom’ since Matt Baier and Michael Abraham tried to maul each other on the Reunion stage.

Luckily, though, Jade tells Sean that she will marry him, for realsys this time. 

“Yeah!” Jade says after commenting that “its’ so big.” (Tehehehehe) 

They hug and everyone cheers (mostly because Jade said yes, but also because that means they’ll be bringing out more free champagne.) 

That’s it for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read The Ashley’s previous recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)