It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley has checked in with MTV’s favorite cash cows, errr, I mean Teen Moms, so she decided it’s about time for a Teen Mom: The Next Chapter recap!

We kick things off down ‘er in the holler, where Leah is hanging out with Jaylan and bragging about how all her baby daddies— Corey Tyler and Jerrrmy Lynn— get along with Jaylan. No one is hollerin’ out on the side of the road at youngin dropoffs, no one is threatin’ to go to court– nothing. 

Jaylan is just smiling that shiny robot smile he always has in these scenes, acknowledging that he’d be willing to hang out with any three-toothed hick who’s gone to the Boneyard with Leah if it means MTV fame and fortune Leah is happy.

Leah is squealin’ about how Jaylan and Corey have a “bromance” and Jaylan is just a little too offended by the statement if you ask me.

Interesting…

Later, Jaylan has suited up in his khaki golf shorts from the Juniors department of Kohls because he’s going to go hit golf balls with Corey Tyler. They chit-chat about balls (as you do) and Jaylan reveals that things are getting pretty serious between him and Leah. He tells Corey that he plans to propose to Leah soon.

“Congratulations…that’s good,” Corey says in the least-enthusiastic tone possible. 

(He then gets this sly smile on his face— a smile only someone who has been legally bound to Leah Messer Simms Calvert Messer can have. It’s almost like his, “Good luck with that one, bro” face.) 

Jaylan launches into one of his signature speeches about how he’s so lucky to be part of Leah and the girlsesesessss lives, and Corey just keeps grunting and “yeahing” his way through the conversation. (You can tell he’s trying to tally up in his head how many “yeahs” it’s gonna take for them to write him one of those nice MTV checks.)

Later, back at Jaylan and Leah’s Mountain Manor, Leah and Jaylan discuss the trip they took to Costa Rica when they became “official.” We are treated to a montage of all their weird staged photoshoots from that venture. 

Jaylan SUGGESTS that they go to Costa Rica again to celebrate their upcoming one-year anniversary. However, somehow Leah hears that they ARE going to Costa Rica, and assumes Jaylan has planned a trip for them. He scrambles, then just pretends that was the plan all along.

He insists that he’s “already booked everything” for the trip.

Sure, Jan…

Leah is so excited about the trip, and even suggests that she and Jaylan do “The Sex” a little harder once they’re overseas. That’s right, kids, Leah and Jaylan are “trying” to create Oopsie Girlseseses Number 3!

JESUS GOD LEAH.

Jaylan says that he’s already been humpin’ and pumpin’ like a ding-dang mad man, trying to knock Leah up. (Don’t forget it only took one time on prom night for Corey Tyler to double-impregnate her, Jaylan.)

Over in Indiana, Jade and Sean (well, mainly Jade) are eager to get a jumpstart on wedding planning, so Jade schedules a time for the two of them–- and Jade’s grandma and sidekick Chau–- to check out a venue. Jade informs Sean that if they like the location, they she will have to pay a deposit to get the date set in stone. (So, in other words: if Sean’s gonna back out, now is the time to do it!)

Jade says checking these things off her to-do list will alleviate her stress. 

As Jade tackles wedding details, Sean prepares for a job interview for a gig “spraying people’s yards with mosquito repellent.”

Fantastic! 

Sean seems less-than-enthused about this prospective job, but says the pay isn’t bad so he’s “just going with the flow.” Little does he know, all his earnings will be “flowing” directly to the wedding fund. (Hey, those Great Value brand crackers with spray cheese ain’t gonna pay for themselves, kids!) 

Later, because this show is as fake and manufactured as Farrah Abraham’s current face– and body-– we’re forced to watch Sean and Zach have a FaceTime conversation about wedding planning.

Seriously, what could be more boring than watching these two boring dudes talk about boring wedding plans that they don’t even care about?

Honestly, I’d rather watch footage of Sean spraying the mosquitos.

Sean and Zach stumble through the production-provided questions and pretend that either of their fiancées would ever actually allow them to have a say on anything happening at their weddings.

As the painfully forced conversation continues, Zach laughs at Sean for suggesting Zach do as he’s done and place a “wedding pot” on top of the refrigerator to keep cash in.

Zach continues to chuckle at poor Sean (literally and figuratively) and his peasant-like money-saving ideas. He finally reveals that he and Cheyenne are only paying for a third of their own wedding. 

Meanwhile, Amber is busy packing up her kimonos and puppets and whatnot to prepare to go to California to see her son, James. That’s right, folks…Amber is not only leaving her couch, but also the state!

#ThingsYouCanDoWhenYoureNotOnProbation

Once Amber arrives at her rental in California, she FaceTimes Cate to show off her temporary abode and discuss how her visit with James will go down. Amber says for the first day, she and Pig Pen Andrew will hang out with James together at the rental so they can work on their co-parenting sitch. (Hopefully Andrew will be able to keep his urine to himself so Ambie doesn’t get charged those pesky AirBnB cleaning fees!) 

Amber says she’ll update Cate and The Gals about the visit later, as she isn’t allowed to film with James. 

Amber also FaceTimes her BFF Gary to share her plan to pal around with Andrew. Gary– having just seen the pee-drenched disaster that Andrew left in Ambie’s house— is concerned and is basically like, “What the f**k?”

Amber insists that she’s only hanging out with Andy to improve their co-parenting relationship, in hopes that they will be able to spend time together without a machete being thrown. 

Amber says she wants her co-parenting relationship with Andrew to eventually be as good as her relationship with Gary is. After all, they are proof that you can kick a man down the stairs and someday still have him go inspect a pee-soaked house for you. 

Or something….

I have no idea.

Gary tells Amber to “be careful” around Andrew, reminding her that Andrew released damning home security footage and audio of Amber just a few years ago. Still, Amber insists that she knows what she’s doing. 

Later on, Gary reveals Amber’s terrible idea to Kristina, who is equally confused, yet not nearly as concerned as Gary, who is all but convinced that Andrew is going to whip out a camera and catch Amber doing something unmotherly. Gary and Kristina are also worried that Andrew is gonna whip out something else (hint, hint) and that will lead to Amber and Andrew rekindling their romance.

I mean, nothing is more attractive than a man who trashed your home and peed everywhere, am I right, ladies?!

I swear if Ambie and Andy end up boning and making another Oopsie Baby, I’m done with this show for good! 

Gary and Kristina agree that Amber and Andrew going to HumpVille would be a disaster! 

When we check in with Cheyenne this episode, she’s in full-wedding mode and, though it feels that she and Zach should be married and nearing the seven-year itch at this point, the happy couple have yet to walk down the aisle. Instead, Cheyenne and her posse are gearing up to celebrate her bridal shower. 

Why do I feel like they’re gonna have Cory jumping out of a plane and showering rice on the party below or something? 

Despite her monotoned delivery, Cheyenne claims she’s excited about the bridal shower and she seems almost confident that her sister, R. U. Gonna Kick Me Out Of The Wedding If I Mess This Up, will be able to pull off a Floyd-level event.  

On a less-festive note, Cheyenne says Zach is still waiting to hear back from his lawyer to see how his lil’ legal hiccup from the past is going to play out…more specifically, if Zach will be able to RSVP “yes” to his own damn wedding. 

Later on, Zach gets a call from his lawyer, who tells him that his court date has been pushed back, eliminating the risk of him being behind bars on (what’s supposed to be) their big day. 

I think that’s nice…

Zach cautions Cheyenne, though, that he “might be doing a little time after the wedding,” (as you do).

When we check back in, it’s the day of Cheyenne’s shower and a gaggle of vendors have taken over her mom’s home, which is basically a typical Tuesday for this family. As the party goes on, alcohol is tossed back, photos are snapped, R. U Not Entertained presents a disastrous champagne tower, and Cheyenne receives some personalized penis-themed gifts.

Before wrapping things up, Cheyenne thanks her guests for rallying around her and Zach during such a trying year.

Finally, we go to Michigan where it’s business as usual at the Octagon ‘o’ Triggers. Catelynn has someone named Amber over (because literally everyone in Cate’s life is named Amber), and the place smells like literal crap. 

Cate discovers that the crap smell is coming from the pants of one of the “Not Carlys” so she begins to change the baby. (She also gives us a vomit-inducing description of said crap, telling us, “It’s gritty.” There goes my seven-point quesadilla lunch. Thanks, Cate.) 

The next day, Cate and Tyler are counting down until their anniversary. The oldest Not-Carly guesses that they’ve been together around 60 years. (Honestly, that’s not a bad guess. I feel like I’ve been watching these people for about that long.) 

Ty has a romantic weekend away planned for Cate. He’s taking her to a hotel in Detroit to get in some lovin’ (followed by some selfies of him flexin’ in that hotel bathroom mirror.)

Are we gonna address why Catelynn went from having purple hair to Ronald McDonald red hair in two scenes that were supposed to be filmed the same day? Damn, I miss the days they’d make the girls wear bad Halloween wigs in order to cover up the filming inconsistencies. Those were the days.

Anyway, before Ty and Cate can go on their magical journey to Detroit, they’ll have to find a babysitter who is capable of watching all three Not Carlys (and deal with their “gritty” poop.) They’re apparently skipping right over asking April “I’ll Change Ya After I Finish My Ciggie” and going right to hired help.

Catelynn– who now has brown hair— says she’s too scared to let anyone watch the kids. Her and Tyler talk about what a trash bag job their own parents did to keep them safe from predators, which is actually really sad. 

They decide to ask Amber to babysit. (Not Amber Portwood, and thankfully, not Tyler’s sister Amber– who would have the Not Carlys running down the halls with candelabras if she was in charge.) 

Tyler agrees that this Amber friend is the least-creepy person they know and therefore the most-qualified to watch the Not Carlys. To their delight, Amber agrees to babysit.

Back in Indiana, Jade and Sean arrive at their potential wedding venue with their entourage, all of whom are sporting spandex and/or some form of athleisure. Seconds after they are greeted by Lauren the wedding planner, Jade asks Lauren to “ignore how we look, it’s been a long day.” 

Lauren shows Jade & Co. the ballroom, gazebo and Willow Chapel, which Chau gives her personal stamp of approval by comparing the venue to the movie “Twilight.” (Um?)

Jade and Sean also dig the location, and Jade seems to think her mom will love it, too. I mean, it is important that Christy approves, since she’ll likely be pulling her van up to the place, throwing out her air mattress and setting up camp there. 

Later on, Jade, Sean and Cloeeeee head to lunch to talk more about the wedding. During the conversation, Sean says he’s hoping to nab the mosquito-spraying gig so he can start contributing to the wedding fund.

That’s a sentence I never thought I’d type…

Jade says once she and Sean are both employed, they can take a percentage of each paycheck and put it aside for their wedding and honeymoon. Or as us normal adults like to call it, saving money. 

Unfortunately for Sean, his plan to rake in some cash is derailed when his interview for the bug-spraying job is rescheduled for the third time. Jade suggests Sean move on and look for another job before FaceTiming her grandma to vent about her still-unemployed future husband and still-unfunded wedding. Jade says she’s not upset with Sean and doesn’t blame him for not pursuing the mosquito-killing gig further; however, she does want to make sure he continues to focus on his sobriety. 

Meanwhile, in The WV, Jaylan lies to Leah and tells her he has to go to Washington D.C. for “important military work.” Instead, he books a flight to New York City to go to some random jeweler who is apparently itching to be on a D-list MTV reality show in exchange for some free jewels.

I think that’s nice…

Jaylan is asked by the jeweler what he’d like Leah’s engagement ring to look like. 

Jaylan tells the jewelry guy that Leah is “almost like me” (Um?) and that she wants everything to be shiny. 

But also, you know, free…

Then the dude shows Jaylan a ring that is OVER 20 CARATS. 

Seriously, 20 carats?! This is for Leah from the Holler, not Jenny from the Block. Come the hell on!

Jaylan looks at one more ring and decides that’s the “one.”

Once he leaves the ring place, Jaylan takes his man purse to a random park to examine the ring he just mooched. He then calls his sister up to report that he’s secured the ring and that he will be proposing to Leah in Costa Rica soon.

He brags that the ring is six carats, and has a giant center stone and stuff.

Leah tells the twinseseses that while they’re off with Corey Tyler, she and Jaylan are going to go on a “short” little trip…to Costa Rica (as you do). 

She pulls the car into the trusty side-of-the-road drop-off spot (which really deserves its own nametag at this point, as it’s consistently been on this show for about a decade!) She gives Corey the twinseseses and heads home to pack for her trip.

Leah and Jaylan pack up (in one suitcase…most likely because they plan to share clothes) and head off to the wild and exotic land of Costa Rica!

Back in Michigan, Amber arrives to watch the Not-Carlys so that Ty and Cate can go on their anniversary trip to Detroit. Catelynn— who is back to having Ronald McDonald hair–is thrilled to ditch the Not-Carlys for a night of banging Tyler. 

Also…ew.

They get to Detroit and Ty has booked them a sunset dinner cruise. The wind is blowin’ and Cate’s dress is flyin’ all over the place.

They sit down to dinner and realize, for the first time, they’re not worried about their kids because a responsible person has them. (It’s not like when they have to check in on ol’ April to see if the kids are buried under her pile of Natty Ice cans.) 

Ty and Cate reflect on the past 16 years they’ve spent together, and appreciate the life they’ve created for themselves, despite all the trashbag parents they’ve had to deal with along the way.

That’s it for this episode! To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)