It’s finally the end of the first season of Teen Mom: They’re All Over 30 Now…or whatever the hell they’re calling this show these days. With the season finale comes plenty of big moments— from a baby daddy going to jail, to a natural disaster to Cheyenne and Zach finally saying “I do.” There’s more to unpack here than April’s station wagon after a sale at the ciggie store, so let’s get started!
First, we head to Tennessee, where we are— for some reason— forced to watch Taylor and one of the Oopsie Babies shop for menswear.
Riveting, this show…
At home, Maci is chatting with a stressed Briana, who is hurricaned-in and is going to miss The Wedding Of The Century. Bri’s pissed because she already got her dress. (I suppose she’ll have to take it for a spin and– maybe a lil bathroom hump ‘n’ pump– at whatever club or park Luis is DJing at next.)
She says she had “everything” ready to go, too. (I’m not sure which ‘Teen Mom’ security guard was planning to be her date for this event, but he’s surely disappointed as well.)
“They say it’s gonna be a bad hurricane,” Briana says. “They said it’s coming straight towards us.”
Maci, upon hearing the news that a natural disaster is quickly barreling toward her friend, simply utters an unenthusiastic “damn” before then switching to the conversation to Bri’s baby daddy, Devoin…whose name Maci legit can’t seem to remember.
“How’s…um….Devoin?” Maci asks, looking like a producer had to whisper the guy’s name off-camera in order to keep up the appearance that these girls are all actually friends.
The next day, Maci and Taylor leave the Oopsie Babies in the MTV Mansion with Taylor’s mom and head to California to attend The Wedding Of The Century.
Next up we head over ‘er to West Virginia to check in with the soon-to-be Mrs. Leah Messer Simms Calvert Mobley and her fiancé, Jaylan. Leah, still bothered that Jaylan asked her stepdad Lee for permission to propose, is attempting once again to explain why she’s so ding-damn mad about everything that went down in Costa Rica.
Jaylan claims he was only trying to be respectful and follow tradition. Still, Leah insists it wasn’t necessary.
Over at the Octagon of Triggers, Catelynn and Tyler are busy shoveling crap into their suitcases, all while Catelynn makes awkward jokes about Tyler’s penis being on the struggle bus.
Their oldest Not-Carly, Nova, hears the sex jokes and literally just rolls her eyes for the camera. Apparently Nova’s as tired of Cate’s on-camera jokes about Tyler’s schlong as we are!
Tyler’s mom Kim arrives to supervise the assortment of Not Carlys. (My guess is that Granny April was busy mailing in the box tops from her Marlboro Lights and trying to get one of those super cool branded windbreaker jackets.)
With that, the whole gang— except for the uninvited Ashley and the hurricaned-in Briana— head to Los Angeles to attend the Royal Wedding!
Speaking of the uninvited Ashley, we next head to Las Vegas where we find her maxin’ and relaxin’ on the couch (or as The Ashley likes to call it, “Amber Portwooding”) with Bar before her first day of nursing school. Ashley lets Bar know that this is, like, real school she’s going to. Like, hard school, where she’ll be getting her “med surg” on– which, by the way, is “the hardest” thing a person can study, she tells her husband and his four eyebrows.
As Ashley runs down her school’s lengthy course catalog, Bar feigns interest while trying to keep a straight face before finally calling the required classes “bulls**t”.
Ashley tells Bar her long-term goal is to be a nurse practitioner. She also thanks Bar and Holly for allowing her to guilt them into leaving California in order for her to follow her dreams and whatnot.
Later, we learn that Ashley, Bar and Holly were in a serious car wreck caused by a drunk driver. Ashley’s producer, Anne Marie, comes by to talk to her about the accident, which Ashley says occurred while they were heading to the grocery store and a “frickin’ weirdo” made a left turn on red into their lane. (Shockingly, that drunk “weirdo” wasn’t someone on the ‘Teen Mom’ cast…I don’t think.)
After the collision, Ashley says she realized she couldn’t put pressure onto her leg, but was still trying to limp around the car to get to Holly. When she finally hobbled over, Ashley found Bar already trying to get Holly out of the vehicle, though the airbag had “trapped her in” and “sandwiched” her, causing her to injure her head.
Fortunately, Ashley tells Producer Anne Marie that everyone–- including Holly–-is okay.
Later on, Ashley explains to the camera that she and Bar had property inside their now-wrecked vehicle that needed to be picked up, but when Bar arrived at the police station to have the property released the cops realized he had a warrant out for his arrest, so Bar is currently behind bars.
Don’t ya hate it when that happens!?
Since Bar went to the police station to get his crap and ended up being thrown in the slammer (as you do), Ashley is unprepared to deal with this situation. She explains that Bar was charged for “being a fugitive” because he wasn’t in the state where his case took place (California) and instead, was picked up in another state (Nevada).
Later, Ashley meet up with her mom, Tea, to talk about the car accident and Bar’s arrest. Ashley further explains Bar’s charge as a “fugitive warrant for negligent discharge of a firearm.” We’re then reminded of the chaos that went down at Ashley graduation party when Bar ended up in handcuffs because “some stuff happened” during the afterparty that led him to fire his gun “or whatever.”
Tea says she hopes this is the last time Bar finds himself in legal trouble, and Ashley agrees.
(Am I the only one who could go for yet another mugshot of Bar wearing his “Shoot Loops” t-shirt?)
Back in LA, everyone is arriving at the hotel for the wedding. Even Gary has made it for the festivities! He goes to see Ty and Cate and they quickly notice that there’s no screaming brunette with an armful of puppets trailing behind him. That’s right, kids: Amber appears to be a no-show.
Gary is totally unbothered by this (and actually seems relieved he’s not forced to pal around with Portwood for the next two days). He tells them that Amber was “emotionally drained” from her trip to see James and is apparently not attending the wedding.
(Can you imagine Cheyenne’s face when she finds out Ambie decided to no-show at the last minute because she is “drained.” I’ll bet her sister, R U Sure U Wanna Assault Someone Before Ur Wedding, had to hold Chey back!)
The trio then talks a bit about them getting old and dying (good times!) and then we move on to Cheyenne’s dressing room, where she’s getting made up, done up and dressed up for her big wedding moment.
Meanwhile, Zach is getting a manicure and complaining about the anticipation of the big moment.
Jade and Kiaya from Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant arrive, as does Jade and Sean‘s permanent +1, Chau.
Soon, all of the gals are dressed and heading to the ceremony. Everyone meets up and vows to stay together, since they don’t know many other people there.
Leah and the JaylanBot 3000 have also arrived, and Leah is showing off her new engagement ring to Maci.
Upstairs, Zach is choosing his earrings, jamming his sockless foot into his dress shoes (ew…) and getting some last-minute encouragement from his boys.
In Cheyenne’s room, she gifts her parents with notes (and probably the enormous bill for the wedding).
Zach and Cheyenne finally get their first look at each other on their wedding day. Zach is overwhelmed by Chey’s beauty, and Chey can’t wait to get her mitts on Zach (and, sadly, not to put some socks on him.)
They ignore the cries of Chey’s sister, R U Gonna Let Me Get Some Camera Time, that they’re not supposed to kiss yet.
After that, Cheyenne goes upstairs to spy from her bell tower and watch her guests enter (and, you know, make sure no one showed up in zebra hoodie or a Things That Matter T-shirt).
The bridesmaids start trickling out into the ceremony area, as Cheyenne watches with her dad.
The babies enter in toy cars, and then it’s time for the groom to come in.
Zach enters the ceremony with a fist pump as the crowd cheers and Cheyenne cries.
Finally it’s Cheyenne’s turn to head down the aisle. Her and her dad walk slowly as she tries to stop crying. (She must have finally noticed Zach’s sockless look.)
Cheyenne’s dad gives a speech about giving his daughter away and everyone is crying. Kyle says he wants a few more minutes before he has to let his daughter go. (Hey— the man paid for this whole ridiculous affair so let him have his damn moment in the spotlight!)
Cheyenne talks about the first time she met Zach, and discusses all of the things they’ve been through together since that time. She manages to work the kids’ names into the vows (which garners her an “aww” from the crowd) and makes plans to meet up with Zach in the afterlife…or something.
After Cheyenne finishes her very moving vows (which I am almost certain she probably paid someone from Vows ‘R’ Us to write for her), Zach looks like he just wants to scream “Ditto!” and get right to the drinking, dancing and humping. However, he pulls his vows out of his pocket and reads his. Cheyenne is pleased, telling him he “did so good.”
Next it’s time for the rings. Cheyenne jams the gaudy ring she picked out for Zach on his finger and legit demands, “You better like it, OK!”
I think that’s nice…
Finally, they say their “I dos” and scurry back down the aisle to the beat of African drums. Once inside the reception area, everyone is dancing and drinking on Cheyenne’s dad’s dime. (You know Maci and Taylor’s bar bill alone was probably the equivalent to a full year’s salary.)
R U Gonna Let Me Sit At the Head Table Too? gets up there to give her maid of honor speech, but Ryder interrupts her, much to her dismay.
We see the ‘Teen Mom’ gang posing for photos outside the venue. (I suppose Amber and her puppets can be Photoshopped in later?)
It’s a perfect way to wrap up the season…until….
They fast-forward to three weeks later, where we see headlines screaming that Jaylan and Leah have broken up, and it’s rumored that Jaylan cheated. (Is the JaylanBot 3000 even programmed to do that?!)
“He had me fooled!” Leah cries to her friend.
Things are also not going well for Briana, who finds out that Devoin has gone to rehab.
Maci, meanwhile, is being the typical martyr, telling us that she “swallowed her pride” and reached out to Ryan.
Girl, stop. We know the only reason you reached out to Ryan is that you had nothing to film if Ryan isn’t on this horrible show. There can only be so many episodes about PCOS/PTSD/PBRs.
Meanwhile, Cheyenne is preparing for Zach to head to his little pre-honeymoon trip to the slammer. We get to see Zach enter the LA County Jail to begin serving his sentence.
After that, they hit us with the “To Be Continued…” note.
Wait…so we watched an hour’s worth of wedding crap, only for you to push the cheating, breakups, rehab and jail sentence to the last minute of this manure pit of a show?!
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL, MTV?!
That’s all for this episode! (Click here if you want to see The Ashley’s exclusive photos and info from Cheyenne and Zach’s wedding day!)
To read The Ashley’s recaps of previous episodes of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter,’ click here!
(Photos: MTV)
63 Responses
can you spell sociopath?
Yeah, it’s spelled DOENVOTEDAT…lol
DOWNVOTEDAT…Why the fuck does this stupid thing keep autocorrecting!!
Yeah it’s the auto spell that’s stupiy ??♀️
Im not stupid, you just think I am because I don’t agree with your sorry ass!
I’ve had to realize that there is no educating you. You are a dumb fuck. You truly are. You must have a head that has nothing but rocks rolling around because there is no way anyone with any intellect at all would say that dumb as shit stuff that you do if they had a brain. Your comments are offensive and gross.
Im not anti veteran in any way, I appreciate all any of them have done or will do for us, my point legitimately was that I think we should help ALL people with a disability or illness, im sorry if I offended anyone, I should have thought of another topic of comparison but I couldn’t think of one.
Amber has her issues but she does have a mental illness (2 actually) so I don’t think all of her actions are willfully made, yes she makes them but I think her brain overrides alot of the common sense she would typically have, and yes past drug use didn’t help matters.
Just like a veteran who has returned home with issues, I don’t think all there actions are their own either.
My husband received a Purple Heart in Iraq and has had many surgeries and is disabled. On his behalf: F you (Pearl)
Right? Like what an insult to vets! I am a peace time vet and got very lucky I didn’t have to see war. I definitely thank your husband for his service though.
And thank you for your service!
Thank you!
I think he deserves all the help he needs, I only used the veteran thing as a comparison about how people don’t think Amber deserves help when I think she does…as does anyone with a disability!!!
Why do people lash out at me when it’s others that they should last out at?
Please tell him thank you for his service, and thank you for your contribution! You are appreciated!
Then”not Carly’s” and ” Amber Portwooding_ cracked me up. Good job ladies.
Also, Cheyenne looked beautiful at her wedding. I bet Leah was getting flashbacks of he camo yard wedding when she became Mrs JesusGodLeah ??
Pearl, we already told you to sit your ass down. You seriously have way too much time on your hands and you’re getting really worked up. It’s amusing to the rest of us how invested you are with teen mom. What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to convince?
Thank you!!!
Amen!!
I didn’t get kicked, if I had, how could I come back…think about that for a minute!!!
You legit said “Thank you” in the 1st post, “Amen” in the
2nd post, and “?” in the 3rd.
Im insulting you for calling me a pyscho and posting numerous times but you were seriously talking to yourself…talk about physcho!!! Look up above if you dont believe me!! I’m not crazy, but the signs are coming abundantly clear that you are…lol
And I’m allowed my opinions, and I can post them, if you don’t like what I say and how I say it, it really is tough shit because I wasn’t born to make you or anyone else happy. I’m not gonna say something just to appease someone else, if thats what you want…well then you’d better find another tree to bark up because your barking up the wrong tree for that to happen!!
Never called you psycho, reread the post. Other people think you’re psycho. Small group of people here!
You’ve called me physcho in times past. Trust me, I remember, and it’s not a “small group” that thinks that…it’s literally like 95% of the people on here.
But I will never change my opinion that a person is a person no matter the mistakes…and they deserve love and compassion not bashing
It is spelled psycho
Well, I can’t spell it so I must not be one!!
My comments were to B, not myself.. DUH
I was agreeing with B. Multiple times.
?
3 comments to YOURSELF in a row and I’m physcho…lol
I don’t reply to myself unless I am correcting a typo.
Get your insults straight before you post ! You insulted Ashley and this site, got kicked out. Then come back like herpes.
B I saw your comment first, and wondered what you were talking about. Then I scrolled down…GEEZ! Pearl done lost her mind! ??♀️
I’ve lost my mind? Look at DOENVOTEDAT, at least I don’t talk to myself…lol.
DOWNVOTEDAT*
Say my name
That is your name as far as i know, now if you had the balls to use your real name and not a pseudonym then I would know your name.
Keep reading. It’s very entertaining to watch her get her panties in a bunch!
Fuck off B for Bitch!!
People like you deserve nothing but the worst that society has to offer!!
You’re only proving us right!
Prove what, that I HATE you??…yeah I didn’t need to prove that…I’ll flat out say it, I…HATE…YOU!!!
No one can convince me that PEARL is not Amber.
Amber might be smarter. Lol
So MTV dedicated the whole hour to the racist non teen mom. Nice.
She made the comment 10 fucking years ago!! Like 6 years before MTV came a knockin!! Cory’s biracial (therefore so is Ryder) and Zach is biracial also (therefore so is Ace) and i think Cheyenne’s mother Margaret is biracial too (making Cheyenne herself a biracial child), So theyre all part white, so she’d be essentially talking about her own children s well as her nephews if that was the way she was now, and as much love as she has for those children, she wouldn’t dare be that way now!!
I am sure Cheyenne identifies as a black woman.
I am not saying people do not grow but your comment is ridiculous.
How?? Because I’m sticking up for someone who made a mistake clear back in like 2012…it was 10 years ago and she hasnt repeated that behavior (same with Taylor Selfridge who made the mistake in 2011 at the age of 18 of saying something she shouldnt have), like seriously GET OVER IT!!!
You know just because you have sex with someone of a different race, doesn’t mean you are automatically not racist. Slave owners got their slaves pregnant. By your standards that means they aren’t racist.
The point was you were throwing in “she’s part white”. My point was I am sure she identifies as a black woman and not a white woman.
There is nothing to get over. I am simply stating the obvious, but you do that on a daily basis and that is that you are not that bright.
Also, if you read my comment correctly, I said I agree people can grow and I believe she has.
Your comments are so ignorant.
These are legit your exact words: “I am not saying people do not grow but your comment is ridiculous.” Where in here does it say you think SHE has changed?
And my comments are only ridiculous to blundering loser idiots such as yourself.
Everyone here is an idiot except Pearl! Holy shit. Lol. 5150.
I would say EVERYONE on here, but you definitely are an idiot IMO
Wouldn’t*
Yep again everyone is stupid but pearl, laughing my ass off! 5150
I never said EVERYONE was, so shut…up!!
How damn! How on god’s green earth will I ever be able to sleep knowing that Ms. Perfect Pearl hates me? Listen up! I usually don’t comment on these forums but the Ashley’s site is one of my favorites and I like to read the teen mom recaps, they are hilarious! I first noticed you when you were bitching back and forth on a different recap about Brandon and Teresa not letting Caitlyn and Tyler see Carly. That’s a whole different debate, but it led me to believe you have no children and absolutely no idea what it takes to be a parent. That was the first time I commented, telling you to sit your ass down. I don’t know what you’re so angry about that you wanted to take your anger out on anyone that disagrees with you on all things Teen Mom. You snapped back and said that you’re in a wheelchair and you’re always sitting. I think you said that to make me feel bad, which I didn’t, but I’ll cut you some slack because that would explain why you have so much time on your hands. Anyway, I continue to follow the Ashley’s recaps and at some point I missed a recap and someone said you had pissed off The Ashley and she banned you from the sight. I was pretty bummed because, as I mentioned before, it’s fun to read the way you’re so butt hurt over people that have absolutely no idea you exist on the planet and you’re so incredibly invested in what’s going on in their lives. It’s almost like you want to live vicariously through them! It’s literally television. Calm your ass down. So on that note, I am actually glad you appear to be back and not banned because you bring just as much drama to the forum as the trailer trash girls themselves! The difference is, they get paid for it! So, keep the hate coming! You have us very entertained!
The 4 eyebrows never fail to crack me up
??
Did you really just compare Amber to a war veteran?! ?♀️?
I compared my opinion of hoping Amber gets better with hoping the a war veteran gets better. I think they both need help and I think it’s heartless to think otherwise.
My point is that everyone thinks Amber isn’t helpable because her problems are her own fault, so in those terms people are saying vets aren’t helpable either because their issues are their own faults, other people’s words not mine.
It’s a comparison I’m basing on other people words. And it’s a sickening thing to want help for them but not her.
Amber was mentally exhausted from visiting James? LOL Man she never changes.
If I’m not supposed to hope the best for Amber because in yours and so many others words “She did this to herself” I guess I shouldn’t want what’s best for soldiers coming back from war because did that to themselves too, I mean they chose to go over there (they weren’t forced) so their issues are their faults too, correct??
Sounds heartless to me
LOOOOL YOU’RE ACTUALLY COMPARING NON-MOM, machete throwing Amber to our Military personnel who SACRIFICED their lives for our freedom?! I CANNOT. ???
You people are seriously SO STUPID!!
I think we should help both Amber and our military, Amber is mentally unstable she can’t always control her actions, when she lashes out she blacks out and half the time can’t remember what she does.
And she never threw the machete, Andrew closed the door and she smacked the door with the machete leaving the divots in the door, IT NEVER LEFT HER HAND and if you listened to the audio she legit said “open the door or im gonna kill myself”. He called the cops (which was dumb because when a person threatens to kill themselves you HELP THEM, you don’t involve cops and make the situation worse with stress and mental anguish. Which he would have known if he truly loved her but all he ever wanted was fame and fortune).
Plus, by the time the cops got there she was calm. So the whole cop thing was all for nothing, he could have waited in that room for her to calm down, came out, packed him and James up and left. And he certainly wasn’t warranted ANY reason to take that baby out of state, he says it was because he had more job opportunities in Cali than in Indiana which was ridiculous, flipping burgers is a honest job that every state has!! The ONLY reason he wanted to leave was so he could go back to mommy and she could take care of him.
The military come back with physical and/or mental issues (not of their own faults IMO) but people are saying Amber shouldn’t be helped because “her actions are HER own” (and some are not) so they’re in all actuality (without actually saying it) saying that we shouldnt help our military either.
I mean, they chose to go over there and fight so aren’t those actions their faults according to what others are saying? Thats what I’m hearing ‘don’t help anyone with a disability because “their actions are their own faults'”
I don’t think that though, I think our military people’s actions were/are selfless and we SHOULD help them, just like I think Amber should be helped because her actions aren’t always her own either.
Comparing to a vet is ridiculous. Also if they came home and abuse a partner, they still get in legal trouble. I was in the military for 8 years and went through all kinds of abuse growing up. Guess what! I’d be in the same trouble Amber was if I did the same things. You really need to educate yourself. I can confidently say Im a fantastic parent to my daughter. I hate time away from her. Love that it’s Christmas break so I can have more time with her. I would never have lame excuses as to why I couldn’t be with her.
But theyd offer you help though am I right, they wouldn’t just say “well you did a b and c so you’re a bad person and don’t deserve help.
Everyone else but me is saying that she doesn’t deserve help because “her actions are HER fault” so it’s like saying the same thing about a vet coming home that has issues “well, thanks for your service but you a b and c so you’re a bad person and don’t deserve help”.
Neither is right, a person is a person regardless and deserves the same treatment no matter what they’ve done, whether of their own volition or not.
Every veteran should be offended
That I think they SHOULD be helped, anybody with an issue should be helped!!! That wouldn’t offend them!!
You really should educate yourself. There is help for people who have mental issues vet or not. The first step for Amber would be to stop making excuses and blaming the whole world and take accountability. The excuses you make are insulting to others with bipolar for example. Do you think people that are bipolar are automatically crappy parents and it’s aggravated because there’s no help available? You seem clueless on the matter so if I were you, I’d just quit commenting. If a veteran is violent in any way, they would be punished by the law no matter what as they should. It’s up to every individual to get the help they need (and it is out there for everyone).
I have a friend I graduated with and became roommates with. She was diagnosed while we were in college. She refused to take her meds and instead chose to drink and do drugs. She eventually lost custody (as she should) because she made the choice to do other things that only hindered her as a parent. Same as with Amber. My friend AND Amber have choices. Amber actually is luckier than most because she is financially able to. have more resources than most. She’s actually able to afford more help than vets can get which is awful. They defend our country and she’s just a reality person due to getting pregnant as a teen.
You’re either Amber, someone close to Amber, very young and naive or just…not that bright. I don’t know but you definitely don’t know what you’re talking about.
Yes vets have help offered to them (as they SHOULD) I just think the same should be offered to her…arresting her everytime they turn around (to fill a quota and get another notch on their belts) isn’t helping, they need to offer counseling or something with a counselor that gets her because obviously her current counselor doesn’t.
Again, im NOT making excuses for her, im just saying HELP THE GIRL, don’t throw her in jail and expect that to help because it only stresses the person out and makes the illness worse.
Anyone with an illness or disability needs to be given the tools to be amongst others in society, not locked away and expected to thrive without the proper help!! Extensive punishment is not the answer for anyone with a disability!!!!
Im an Amber fan, point blank and im NOT ashamed of it!!
And she does take accountability, she ADMITS she’s done wrong, it’s like somebody said on the post about Andrew winning custody and being able to take James to Cali, she is literally the only person living a human life and owning her mistakes.
But i don’t think all her mistakes are her fault, I firmly do believe that some of them are the illness’ fault.
The ONLY people aside from Gary and Kristina that she has are her mom and her brother.
But I feel her mom and brother may be part of the problem because here you have her brother who I honestly feel is the poster boy for perfection (military, married, children he sees everyday), that’s one hell of a model to have to try and live up to for anyone (mentally unstable or normal)!! But he puts her in her place which is good.
Then you have her mom, an alcoholic (recovering or active, im not sure) whom is always molly coddling that girl and making excuses for her because she realizes part of the actions her daughter makes are technically her fault. So it truly is no wonder Amber is how she is.