Note: The Ashley is aware she is way behind on these recaps. She hadn’t planned on recapping this trash-compactor-of-a-show, but she changed her mind at the last minute, so please be patient until she catches up to the latest crapisode. 

Here we are again, my friends.

A new season of a Teen Mom show is upon us. Dozens of people have been waiting for the premiere of Teen Mom Family Reunion Season 2 and finally it’s here. As The Ashley has told you, these buffoons end up spitting on each other, swinging from the light fixtures and sass-mouthin’ on The Instagram on this season, but we’ll have to sit through a few episodes of chicks in bad Shein dresses screaming at each other before we get to the fun stuff.

With that, let’s begin the first episode of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ Season 2. (The Ashley still feels that MTV should have gone with her suggestion and called this goof-fest “Teen Mom: Clown Camp,’ but y’all know they don’t listen to me!) 

Anyway, we start things out in the peaceful, natural setting of Oregon. We see a peaceful river, tall trees and the quiet roads of the city of Bend. It’s about T-minus 10 minutes before an entire troupe ‘o’ MTV trollops clomps their Fashion Nova hooker heels through the city and begins to terrorize this small town! 

Catelynn is the first to arrive in Oregon. She’s cheering that she is finally kid-free. (It’s unknown where all the Not-Carlys have been deposited. We can assume they are staying with Tyler‘s trusty sister, Amber, eating canned beans by the light of Butch‘s candelabra?) 

Cate is still sour that she had to miss the last ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion.’ (Judging by the ratings that season got, she clearly wasn’t the only one who “missed” it.) As you may remember, Catelynn was unavailable because her final Not-Carly had just been shot from her crotch cannon, and apparently people frown on the idea of up and leaving your newborn baby to be on a bad TV show? I don’t know…

Anyway, Catelynn is here now and she’s ready to party! She’s slathered plenty of Manic Panic purple hair dye on her trusty side-bang so we really know she’s looking for a good time! (Hey, at least she’s no longer trying to make that bright red Ronald McDonald look from ‘Next Chapter’ happen.) 

Apparently, we’re all supposed to believe that it was Catelynn— the person who hasn’t kept a career or hair color for more than one episode— who organized this latest season of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion.’

Sure, Jan…

She tells us that, for an added pip, “she” decided that the gals needed to bring their own moms along.

It’s then that we get our first glimpse of who’s riding shotgun in Cate’s car. It’s APRIL! She’s sporting some sort of “Jonathan Taylor Thomas” haircut that’s surely full of ciggie smoke, dry shampoo and secrets.

April and Cate are getting along, at least for now. Catelynn tells us that she hopes this little trip with April will help them work out some of their “bubbling” issues. 

They make some small talk about how beautiful the river is and whatnot.

They arrive at the resort and see that there’s no one around— but there is a tower of filled champagne glasses and a full bar. (Good thing no one around here has an alleged drinking problem. Oh….wait…)

April giggles as she mentions to us that she and Catelynn have not always had the great relationship they have now. We are then treated to flashback scenes from the early days of Teen Mom, when April was full of piss and vinegar (and about three packs of Virginia Slims and a twelver of Natty Ice a day). We see a clip of “Driving With Miss April,” where April screams at Catelynn in the car for being perfect and then calls her a bitch.

I’ll tell ya— the olden days of ‘Teen Mom’ were just wild. They basically just put everyone in their natural, trashbag environments and let the cameras roll and the fists fly! 

Ahhh, memories.

Although The Ashley would just like to keep this show about Catelynn and April, we unfortunately have to bring in the clowns. First to arrive are Cheyenne and her mother, Margaret. Chey is a little nervous to have Margaret here, given that she knows how these hooligans can act. Someone may get hurt! 

I can’t wait until classy, upper crest Margaret gets a load of April. That’s a pairing worthy of its very own horrible MTV spin-off. (Can you imagine how good it would be? Margaret takes April to her country club and April teaches the jetsetters how to turn empty ciggie boxes into a fashionable change purse to keep your bus fare in! I’M HERE FOR IT.)

Margaret and April chat awkwardly and anxiously await more arrivals.

Speaking of arrivals, the next clown car is barreling its way toward Bend and it’s a doozie. The car contains Briana, her mother Roxanne, Jade…and Jade’s mom Christy! Thank the Baby Jesus God Leah that Christy was able to clear her schedule of community service dates and whatnot because we NEED her here. 

We haven’t even had a glimpse of Christy’s blue eyeshadow and we already know she’s gonna be amazing, based on the audio we hear. She’s badgering Roxanne about how the mountains have real snow on them. (I suppose she’s used to a different type of ‘snow?’) Jade reminds her to put on her damn seatbelt, which Christy can’t be bothered with because she doesn’t want to miss out on a second of this here nature!

Jade tells us that she bought Christy an Icee at the airport (probably because she was a good girl and didn’t make any jokes about bombs the whole plane ride over!)

We then see into the van and notice that Amber has been stuffed into this Scooby Doo van as well.

Jade informs her van mates that she and Christy have to keep the time they spend together brief so that no one ends up with jail time. Christy says they don’t always get along because they’re “so alike.” (I think I saw Jade’s soul leave her body a little when she heard Christy say that. Kudos to her for not upchucking all over the rental van!)

We are then treated to a flashback showing some ratch-tastic moments from Jade and Christy’s past. (Interestingly, the clips are credited as being from 16 & Pregnant…even though Jade was never on “16 and Pregnant.” MTV, do better. When The Ashley knows your shows better than you do, it’s time to hire better production assistants to fact-check this crap.)

We see a jumble of clips showing Jade screaming at her mom, Christy screeching that she deserves respect and basically a scene that would have led up to a Jerry Springer-esque moment had MTV security guards not been there. 

Christy is still in awe of all the real live nature around her!

“Lookit!” she tells her fellow passengers. “It’s like the damn forest over there and then on one side it’s like the desert!”

(Narrator: It was not actually like the desert at all. Not one bit.) 

We then hear from Amber who tells us that, sadly, her mother Tonya was unable to attend this clown fiesta, due to her medical issues. (She must be allergic to trash?) 

“But I know I’ll get something out of this Reunion,” Amber tells us. 

Next, Jade and Briana discuss how long they’ve been pals. They’re not just fly-by-night friends, guys. No sir…

In fact, Jade forces us to know that Briana once shaved her lady garden or…as Jade so eloquently puts it: her “cooter cat.”

(They make it clear that Briana doesn’t just go around shaving the clamchops of her cast mates, though. She only did it because Jade was recovering from having her butt plumped, sucked and tucked up with a BBL.)

Christy— the true treasure that she is— turns and asks Roxy if she’d be willing to shave her cooter cat for her, should she go in for a BBL. Roxy agrees.

SERIOUSLY GUYS WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WATCHING!?

(If I were Amber, I’d be barrel-rolling out of the Scooby Doo van right about now.) 

After all the cooter chat (and after The Ashley has successfully washed her ears out with a mixture of bleach and self-hate), Briana takes center stage to tell us that she’s worried how Roxy is going to act around the other grandmas.

“Like, I can’t control my mother,” she tells us.

We then get to see some of Roxy’s best work: the time she stood up on a diner booth and tried to beat the ever-loving BeJesus out of Devoin for making comments about Roxy chasing her daughters’ fathers away or something. 

Roxy makes light of her table-hopping, shoe-chucking ways, although she agrees with Briana that maybe it’s time for her (and her trusty pumps) to take a step back and let Briana handle her own violent rages, screaming matches with co-stars and general on-air debauchery.

The Scooby Doo van pulls up to the resort, where Christy informs the group that they’ll need to be extra-careful in this half-desert/half-forest wonderland because there could be snakes around.

I mean…she’s not wrong… There’s definitely no lack of snakes on this show.

They finally reach the other girls and their moms, and Jade nearly gets knocked down by some wayward balloons. You’d think she’d be better at navigating balloons after a year or so of carrying that inflatable butt around. (Where’s ol’ Davey Eason with his trusty balloon knife when ya need him!?) 

Jade tries to steer Christy away from the bar, informing the group that Christy is “allergic to liquor.”

“Every time she drinks she breaks out in cuffs!” Jade exclaims. 

OK…that was a good one. 

Margaret is just sitting there looking a bit alarmed as the new crop of grannies comes in.

Briana informs us that she’s also a bit nervous about seeing Ashley, as there’s been “a lot of weird Internet drama.” (Honestly, “a lot of weird Internet drama” could technically be the tagline for this show.) 

We are reminded that during the last season of “Clown Camp,” all the girls made a pact not to talk crap about each other on The Interwebs, and instead use text or the phone to insult each other. (I think that’s nice…)

However, that pact went to hell in about a week, because, according to Bri, Ashley was quickly doing whatever’s the online equivalent of throwing her shoe at Bri. Briana says that she has no desire to “fix” her relationship with Ashley this time around. 

Roxanne also has no use for Ashley and her mom, Tea. (We know this because every time she mentions them, her eyebrows reach “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane” esque levels.)

Just then, Maci arrives– solo. (I always knew her mom Sharon was too classy of a broad to end up on a steaming pile of dumpster trash like this show.) Maci alleges that Sharon wasn’t “able” to come because she and Maci’s father are “on a vacation.” 

Sharon thought about the offer to go sit in the forest and talk cooters with Christy and was like, “Nah…I’m good.”

Just then, we see Ashley and Tea roll into the resort. Ashley wastes no time in letting us know that, currently, her hubby Bar is locked up in the pokey, so while she’s battling her co-stars in Bend, Bar will be trying to dig himself out of “gel,” Shawshank-style. 

I mean…is it even a ‘Teen Mom’ show if a baby daddy isn’t behind bars?!

Catelynn spots Ashley and Tea coming in and already she knows that a fight is brewing. 

Briana is not thrilled to see Ashley. She tells us it’s not worth starting drama with her. However, she refuses to say hello (because…how else is this gonna end with Briana swinging from the light fixtures and Ashley spitting if she does?) 

There’s also some grandmama drama brewing, courtesy of Tea and Roxanne. According to Ashley, the drama between her mom and Roxy started when Briana threatened to spit on their former co-star Kail Lowry… as you do. Ashley says she told Briana on social media that spitting on someone was nasty (umm…) so there would be none of that happening (UMM…) and “Briana didn’t like that.”

Well, neither did Roxanne apparently, because she jumped into the online feud and Tea went right in after her. 

Cheyenne says you can cut the tension with a knife, but Cate decides to cut it with a random toast instead. After some rambling on about her Season 1 FOMO, Cate decides this reunion will be all about having fun and forming stronger bonds with one another, but most importantly, earning an extra paycheck from MTV. 

Right on cue, Cate gets a text from Coach B who instructs the group to throw on a comfortable pair of shoes and load back into the Scooby Doo vans again. 

After a short ride, the moms and grandmas are met by Coach B on bridge that they are expected to bungee jump from in order to “crucify” their fears.

I’m sorry…what in the Jesus God Leah of bad religious references is happening here?

Coach B asks for a volunteer to go first and Amber raises her hand, eager to get this exercise over with. (She’s probably volunteering to go first to ensure she gets the best seat in the van ride home.)

Amber shares her fear of growing apart from her son due to him living in a different state. Apparently the best way to face this “fear” is to hurl yourself off a bridge on a string.

Jade decides to forgo facing her fear, so Briana and her BBL are up next. Before Briana’s jump, however, Ashley heads to the van with her mom to sit down, claiming she isn’t feeling well. (No doubt Amber was livid that she was over there dangling over a ravine while Ashley snuck in and snagged the best van seat!)

Briana says she’s unbothered and didn’t even notice that Ashley left the group.

Um….yeah…sure.

Instead, she’s focused on the task at hand: getting through this bungee jump without damaging her Dr. Miami derriere. She’s nervous something is gonna pop in there and she’ll end up face-down on Christy’s van air mattress ‘o’ horrors, being rushed into emergency surgery. 

Fortunately for Briana’s surgically enhanced bum, she’s able to successfully situate her harness and complete her jump. Fortunately for us, these photos now exist…

Maci is up next and before taking the plunge, she reveals she is her biggest fear, before rephrasing her answer to “losing control.” Somehow this response gets the remix treatment by Maci once more and turns into something about her son Bentley’s relationship with his dad, Ryan.  

Cheyenne says she isn’t taking part in the bungee jump because her boobs are brand new and she doesn’t want to “break them so soon.”

The baton then gets passed to Cate, who tells Coach B she can’t jump because she’s too scared. Coach B reminds Cate that the point of the exercise is to face her fears, noting that Cate tends to be an overthinker in her everyday life. 

Amber attempts to convince Cate into jumping, as does Maci, though April is very much opposed to the idea. 

In the end, Cate succumbs to the peer pressure (shocking, I know) and does so while avoiding a wardrobe malfunction and maintaining ownership of her cigs. The moms and grandmas load back into the vans and head to the house they’ll be sharing for the duration of the trip. 

Once inside the house, Cheyenne pretends she’s not grossed out at the idea of sharing common space with her commoner co-stars. Back inside, Cate reveals “she” has another surprise for the group. 

In walks Kiaya and Kayla from Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant, along with their mothers. 

Um…yay?

Kiaya reminds viewers that she’s “not too fond of Ashley” due to some social media drama they had in the past. Ashley claims she doesn’t know why Kiaya has a problem with her, yet she refrains from saying hello to her. Tea– who previously inserted herself in Kiaya and Ashley’s drama, along with Kiaya’s mom, Tiffany– mentions the issue she has with Tiffany before practically climbing atop the dining room table to deliver an awkward ‘hello’ to her. 

Meanwhile, Kiaya and Ashley prepare to exchange some words and hostile hand gestures, but we have to wait until next time to see the ratings confrontation go down.  

That’s it for this episode! 

To read The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ recaps from Season 1, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)