Well, we’ve finally made it to Episode 5 of Teen Mom Family Reunion. So far we’ve witnessed a trash-tastic brawl between grown women, lost some moms and grandmas along the way, gained a thirsty husband and a better understanding of why the moms insist on drinking alcohol every morning. 

The Ashley, too, is going to need massive amounts of “April-tinis” (aka Natty Ice mixed with generic vodka and a sprinkle of cigarette ash around the glass rim) to get through an entire episode that focuses on these clown goblins climbing rocks.

Jade says the group is in need of a fun activity and reveals “she” has planned a rock climbing outing.  

Jade’s announcement is met with silence, broken only by Christy, who is more than happy to share her thoughts on the activity. 

Jade explains the teamwork aspect of rock climbing and some in the group begin to show some interest, including Kiaya’s mom, Tiffany, who is so genuinely jazzed about the activity that she high-fives her daughter.

Before running off to pick out their best Forever 21 rock climbing ‘fits, someone notices that Amber is missing.

(It appears that the couch is still there, so Ambie must be around there somewhere!) 

According to Maci, Amber isn’t filling feeling well and is continuing to hibernate in her room. Maci says it’s good for Amber to be on this trip, but Cate points out that Amber has barely made an indent in the living room couch, and has just been holed up in her room with her therapy puppets. 

Once the moms, grandmas (and Tyler) arrive at the mountain, Cheyenne is surprised to learn they won’t be doing this activity in an air-conditioned facility, while Christy appears to be shocked that there’s a “desert” in Oregon. She also informs us that she’s sweating profusely, which is lovely. 

Before professional rock climber Lizzie makes her entrance, a few of the moms and grandmas express concern over the size of the mountain they’re expected to climb, while Jade assures them everything will be fine, as this is a trust-building exercise. 

Jade and Christy volunteer to tackle the mountain first, and Christy vows to be the support system Jade needed during the mud pit exercise (and in life). Jade gets off to a decent start, but things soon go awry when her nails make it difficult to continue climbing. (Don’t ya hate it when your five-inch-long Lee Press-On Nails ruin your on-camera TRUST BUILDING ACTIVITY!?) 

Fortunately, Christy is able to coach Jade (and her talons) up the mountain and when Jade makes it to the top she even credits her mom for helping her get there. 

I.am.inspired.

Truly.inspired.

I am also bored. I need someone to swing from a tree and dropkick someone else, pronto! While this crap may be healthy for the mother/daughter relationships, no one wants to watch “trust” garbage. Someone rip someone’s arm off and hit them with it, please! I need to be entertained.

Tyler heads up the mountain next, and because he doesn’t have obnoxious acrylics holding him back, he’s able to climb much quicker than Jade. Tyler points out that he’s the only guy on the trip so he has to “represent for all the dads.” (He also probably takes note of how nicely the rock climbing harness highlights his trouser snake and decides to pocket the harness so he can take thirst trap selfies in the bathroom later.) 

When it’s Cheyenne’s turn, her mom, Margaret, attempts to give her a pep talk by reminding her that she “went third in The Challenge.” Cheyenne tells her mom to shut up before successfully climbing the mountain and demanding flattering pics of her “non-surgically enhanced” butt.

While Cate is busy getting herself harnessed up, Jaime decides she needs to head back and take care of her diabetes and Kayla leaves with her. By the time the two are heading down the trail, Cate is ready to take off and April is ready to play the part of supportive mom–- a role for which she’s yet to win any awards.

Fortunately, all of April’s hootin’ and hollerin’ gives Cate the motivation she needs to make it to the top. Look out, therapy horses… April’s gunnin’ for your job! 

Kiaya and Tiffany are up next. Like Jade, Kiaya is facing the added obstacle of having Edward Scissorhands nails, though they don’t prevent her from completing the activity. When it’s time to come back down, however, Kiaya is struck with a fear of heights and is only able to make it back to the ground with some coaching from her mom. 

After everyone has completed the climb, they head back to the house, where Amber is (still) hiding out in her bedroom and Kayla is dealing with some drama involving her kids and boyfriend, Luke. Before viewers are given any context, the camera cuts to Kayla who is talking to Luke on the phone and demanding he give her his mom’s phone number.

Kayla tells Luke she’s “pissed the f**k off” before explaining that Luke’s mom, Noopie, posted something online that has her heated and wishing she could teleport home to handle this the right way: brawling, of course. 

CAN WE JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT MTV USED THE ASHLEY’S SCREENSHOT AND ACTUALLY LEFT HER NAME ON IT!?!? THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

Kayla says she’s worried about her kids being at home with Luke because he’s likely to bring them around the nefarious Noopie and her can ‘o’ whoop-ass. She feels bad that she’s in Oregon, singing campfire songs (and dodging metal water bottles) with the ‘Teen Mom’ goons, when she should be with her kids. 

Kayla starts screaming on the phone that Luke better go “check” his mama, and Luke doesn’t seem to be worried. (He also doesn’t seem to be fully awake, honestly.) Finally, Kayla is just screaming “CHECK THE BITCH!” into the phone (as you do), until Luke finally agrees to keep some distance between the kids and Noopie. 

Inside, the others hear Kayla screaming, and are genuinely surprised to find out that Kayla can actually talk, since she’s been pretty quiet up until this point. 

Kayla is hysterically crying and cussing at Luke, and he hangs up on her. That pisses her off even more, so Kayla calls him right back and the rage rant continues. Tiffany decides to go out and see if Kayla is OK (or is, you know, strangling a voodoo doll of Luke or something out back). 

Luke finally gets why Kayla is so mad, and he tells her that she and the kids come before Noopie & Co. Luke gives Kayla his word that he won’t bring them near Noopie and she feels better. 

Meanwhile, Jaime decides to go see what Amber’s up to.

She’s surprised that Amber actually opens the door to her lair. However, things are not all happy Einstein puppets and Lazy Boy chairs in Amber’s room. 

Jaime doesn’t even hold back when she gives us her first impressions of Ambie.

“Amber looks like hell!” she tells us.

To be fair, Ambie does look kind of like a Fraggle who just stumbled out from under her rock. Amber tells Jaime that she thinks she is just “mentally exhausted” due to all of the light fixture-swinging, loogie-spitting and generally buffoonery of her housemates. 

Jaime seems to think that Amber may be suffering from a physical ailment, and she’s worried that Amber’s mental health may be suffering as well.

“She doesn’t look very good,” Jaime says, before pointing out that Amber’s sweatier than David Eason after a day of rakin’ on The Land.

Back in the living room, Coach B arrives to announce that she has another “Team Building” exercise for the “ladies.” 

Seriously, why do they all have to learn to be a team? They only see each other once or twice a year and, now that people have begun chucking wine bottles at each other and whatnot, that number will probably be reduced even more. Can we just cool it on the #TeamNoCondomsAsTeenagers crap?

Some of the girls legit roll their eyes when they hear they have to do another “team building” exercise. They are all tired from rock climbing and just want to make like Amber and go to bed.

They all reluctantly follow Coach B outside where they find a hole dug into the dirt…as well as an ample supply of hatchets.

I will not make an Amber machete joke….

I will not make an Amber machete joke…

I WILL NOT MAKE AN AMBER MACHETE JOKE.

Kiaya suggests that maybe Coach B is having them practice killing and burying someone.

I think that’s nice…

Coach B informs the girls that they’re not going to kill anyone (I mean…at least not tonight). Instead, they will be “burying the hatchet” i.e. writing one of their traumas on a hatchet then throwing dirt over it. 

Am I the only one who feels it may not be the best idea to only have a handful of dirt separating a bunch of hatchets from a drunken Christy and April? Did we really think this idea through, guys?

Coach B says that each girl will have to announce their hatchet trauma aloud before stuffing the weapon in the dirt. (I’m sorry, but I’d be pissed if I was losing sleep to do this ridiculousness. Like, if I’m in my PJs, I don’t want to play in the dirt, traumas or not.)

Maci goes first and, of course, she brings up Ryan. She says she wants to stop being angry at him, and that her anger is for Bentley.  

Maci feels bad that she chose to get down as a teenager with a Trojan-less Ryan that night so many years ago, because now her kid is stuck having Ryan as his father. 

Kiaya’s next, and she talks about how she was a “bad daughter” to her father before he overdosed on drugs and died. Jade talks about how she wants to bury her attraction to people who are addicts (or something…?) 

Catelynn also wants to bury the anger and guilt she has about her mom’s addiction. Cheyenne wants to bury her doubts of whether she’s doing enough. (Trust us, girl, you’re doing TOO MUCH. Always.) 

Finally, it’s Kayla’s turn and she tells us she wants to let go of the anger she has for her mom. Apparently, Jaime was gettin’ it quite a bit with different men, and Kayla says she’s holding on to the anger of having men coming in and out of her life while she was growing up. Kayla says she had to move all the time, and Jaime was getting married all the time and it was a lot.

Kayla goes into depth about Jaime’s mental health issues, her abusive relationships, etc. and I’m not sure Jaime is going to be thrilled to have all of her issues spilled out during a horrible MTV reality show. 

The next day, everyone’s getting dressed (while Tyler is busy cleaning up after these messy ass women!)

Kayla is feeling a little guilty for airing out all of her mom’s dirty laundry to a random TV doctor and a bunch of women with hatchets. She goes to talk to Jaime to let her know that she spilled the beans on basically everything. She also brings in Coach B to help out.

They begin talking about how Kayla, Luke and the whole crew are still living in Jaime’s house, and Kayla admits that she’s still there because she doesn’t know where Luke will go if she moves out. 

Coach B basically calls Luke a womanizing low-life for boinking girls all over town, all while coming home to Kayla’s mama’s house. Kayla admits that she will probably never be able to have a healthy relationship with The Spawn ‘o’ Noopie. 

Jaime vows to try to be more positive so that Kayla will feel empowered to kick Luke and his overused man-meat to the curb.

Back in the house, no one has seen or heard from Amber in two days. She’s still locked in her room and Maci texts her to find out if she needs anything– food, water, a hatchet?

Amber calls Maci and tells her that there’s a reason that she’s been in bed all day and sleeping all the time: she has COVID. (Plus, I mean, she’s Amber, so her being in bed all day isn’t really the unusual.) 

“Oh no!” Maci exclaims.

Now that Amber is “With The ‘Vid” everyone is starting to get nervous that they will become infected, too, what with all the spittin’ and screamin’ that’s happened the last few nights in the house. 

Just then, Kayla reveals that she, too, is positive for COVID. Kiaya is horrified.

But that’s not all: Catelynn also has COVID, as does April.

(Off the subject, but has anyone done a welfare check on Christy lately? She was last seen somewhere near the rock climbing area and has been M.I.A. ever since.) 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here!

(Photos: MTV)