Grab your favorite neon fright night wig because it’s time to paaaarty (Christy-style!) on this episode of Teen Mom Family Reunion. (Welcome back to all 15 or so of you that are still watching this mess, by the way.) 

With everyone and their mother (literally) coming down with a case of COVID, Cheyenne, Maci, Kiaya, Jade and their moms are left to keep this reunion rolling. 

It took COVID, people chucking metal containers at each other and girls trying to dropkick other girls in the throat to finally get my girl Christy some camera time. Give us Christy. Give the people what they want.  It’s not too late to turn this show around and let Christy take centerstage. (I propose they change the name to “Christy’s Cooter Tales”…Because you know she’s got plenty of cooter tales to tell!)

Anyway, everyone who is not yet infected in the house with The ‘Vid is nervous that they’ll be the next one struck down.

(Amber, meanwhile, appears to be absolutely thrilled that she actually has a legit reason to lay in bed all day.) 

Maci sneezes in front of the remaining girls and everyone treats her like a leper.

Meanwhile, Tyler and Catelynn are locked up in their hotel room. Tyler doesn’t even have COVID, but since he was exposed to Catelynn, he has to stay in her disease pit with her. He’s going crazy, and is totally bored. (I mean, you can only flex and take selfies in the bathroom for so long, ya know?) 

Because reunion attendance has dropped nearly as low as this show’s ratings, Christy decides it’s time to bring in some fresh blood in the form of her sober and soon-to-be son-in-law, Sean. Christy says “she” would like to fly Sean in so that “she” can throw an engagement party for him and Jade.

Sooo…you’re trying to tell me that Christy is gonna cash in her Spirit Airlines “Cooter Cash” miles to get ol’ Seanny Boy here, and then shell out the money to throw Jade and Sean a party? Sure, Jan.

Christy thinks the party will cheer Jade up now that her brawlin’ BFF Briana has been booted from the reunion. 

In keeping with the theme of this reunion, Christy decides “she” will throw a wig out party for Jade and Sean–- or “wig-gagement” as she calls it–- where everyone can let loose and celebrate the happy couple while rocking cheap wigs purchased from that pile that accumulates in every Walmart store Halloween aisle around November 2. 

As you do…

She also decides the engagement party should be a surprise (for Jade, not Sean), so she makes Maci pinky promise to keep the details on the down low. 

Christy reaches out to Sean and tells him to put down his video game controller, find a babysitter for Cloughie–- or an iPad with a solid battery life to keep her busy for a few days–- and hightail it to this seemingly cursed family reunion. Sean agrees and says he will be there the next day.

What the hell? How can these people just drop everything and fly across the country to run around in wigs? Does no one work? Go to school? 

Oh wait… I forgot what show I’m watching…

Later on, Kiaya tells what’s left of the group that “she” has planned a white water rafting outing for the moms while the grandmas hang back to do an activity with Coach B.

Once all the girls suit up in their SHEIN “Sports Wear” (which is basically just an assortment of ill-fitting Spandex bike shorts and tube tops), they go meet their rafting guide Colton. Unlike Royer, the Costa Rican rafting guide who knocked up Leah Messer’s sister Victoria, Colton seems less-than-thrilled to be hanging with D-list reality stars wearing moist Spandex.

Kiaya– who still “planned” this activity despite her fear of water— is scared. Rafting Guide Colton— who already seems to despise the girls— gets a complete “f**k my life” face once Kiaya announces that she may be a party pooper.

As the moms and Colton make their way down the river, things start to get a little more intense. They approach the first rapid and Jade is worried someone will fall overboard. The raft is moving around a lot and she’s getting nervous.

Meanwhile, Colton looks like he wants to beat all of the girls to death with his paddle. 

Kiaya choses the moment right before they go down the first rapid to inform the group that she doesn’t know how to swim.

Girl, why did you pick this activity? There has to be a spa nearby or at the very least, one of those basic ass wine and paint classes…literally ANYTHING on dry land.  

She’s surprised to find that she’s actually enjoying the rafting, though. 

“I thought I would be worried that I was actually in nature, but it’s not bad at all,” she tells us. 

I mean…it certainly beats sitting around the campfire with Christy & Co., talking cooties, I guess. 

After conquering her fear, Kiaya eventually volunteers to straddle the raft, or “ride the bull,” as they take on more rapids.  

Back at the house, Coach B instructs Tiffany, Margaret and Christy to head outside and sit in the chairs she has lined up next to a large mirror. Coach B explains that the exercise will help the grandmas work on the most important relationship in their lives: the relationship they have with themselves. According to Coach B, by healing their own issues the “glammas” will be able to help their daughters heal, too.

Or something like that. Who the hell knows and/or cares?

Tiffany is up first and she stands in front of the mirror and talks about how she regrets staying in a relationship longer than she should have for the sake of her children.

Next up is Margaret, who calls herself a great mom who has given her kids everything she didn’t have growing up, (aka themed parties on a weekly basis).

Last, but sure as hell not least, is Christy, who has never been one to show any self awareness. When she approaches the mirror, Christy describes herself as a good mom who “fell off for a while”–- a “while” being a couple of decades, of course.

Christy says her setbacks have only made it possible for her to make a comeback. (I see someone was googling “Inspiration Quotes For Rotten Moms” last night!)

Christy admits that she spent a lot of time “partying” and doing drugs.

“There’s no manual on being a mom,” Christy says.

(Um…there are literally thousands of book on being a mom but they’re not readily available at Bob’s Booze & Burp or whatever fine drinking establishments Christy frequented during her party years.) 

To her credit, though, Christy admits that she “f**ked up” and is showing some self-awareness about her past mistakes. 

Back on the river, Jade jumps into the water to pee (as you do). Kiaya– despite not being able to swim— decides to hop into Jade’s pee puddle too. 

After the rafting, the girls climb onto their bus, only to find out that Ashley is back home, spewing about the fight on social media. (This happened about a day after The Ashley broke the news of the brawl on her site.)

Ashley states that the brawl started when Roxanne tried to throw a chair at Tea.

Um…OK. So, we know ol’ Roxy is fond of chucking whatever furniture, plant holder or footwear she has readily available, but to be fair, she didn’t throw anything at anyone this time. Where the hell is Ashley getting this supposed chair-throwing incident from? It never happened.

Just then, Briana takes to Instagram to respond to Ashley’s claims, while also dropping the bombshell that Ashley is currently pregnant. (Ashley had not yet made that news public.) 

It’s a real driveway-porta-potty thing to do, but Briana has no remorse. The other girls, though, acknowledge how wrong Bri was for that. 

The girls watch as Ashley goes on Instagram Live with her sister and claims they all knew she was pregnant. The girls are all screaming that they didn’t know.

Ashley then accuses Jade of being shaped like a Rice Krispy Treat. 

AS.YOU. DO. 

Jade insists she doesn’t care if Ashley thinks she looks like a Rice Krispy Treat.

SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE WE WATCHING!!??!

Once they get back to the house, Maci and Cheyenne focus on “more important stuff than Instagram Live.” And that important stuff is drinking wine in the hot tub, naturally. Maci tells Chey that it sucks being one of the only girls there without her mom. She also uses the opportunity to rag on Ryan and his parents. She says it’s hard for her to not be mad at Jen and Larry after their big on-camera fight a few seasons back.

(I’m sorry but watching Taylor try to box Larry was legit the only “Maci” segment that’s even been remotely interesting in the past decade.) 

Maci meets with Coach B, who makes her put on a weighted vest that is supposed to represent the resentment for Ryan that Maci lugs around. (They honestly should have spray-painted the top of the vest gray to give it that genuine “Ryan” look.) 

Maci puts on the dead weight (aka “Ryan”) and tells Coach B she’s tired of watching Jen and Larry enable Ryan. She screams out that she’s releasing that weight.

“This is really heavy,” Maci says.

They then discuss her relationship with Jen and we’re treated to a flashback clip of Maci telling Jen and Larry how much she loves them, and how that will “never go away.”

Awkward…

Coach B asks Maci if she wants to reach out to Jen and Larry to see if they’ll come out. (Believe The Ashley when she tells you that the producers tried everything to get Ryan & Co. out there but they said no.) 

Maci texts Jen to inquire if she’ll come on out to Covid-ville to walk around screaming in a field while wearing a weighted vest.

Later that night, Christy is excitedly getting ready for the surprise Wig-a-Polooza engagement party that “she” is throwing for Jade and Sean. She’s assembled a bucket of bad wigs for everyone to wear. 

Christy calls up Sean and finds out that Cheyenne’s boo, Zach, has also tagged along. 

SERIOUSLY HOW DO NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITIES?!

Anyway, Christy tasks the other girls with getting Jade to dress up (i.e. put on a lace bra top) and to keep her out of the area where the party is being set up. Meanwhile, the grandmas are trying on wigs.

Finally the party is ready and Christy tells the girls to bring Jade over.

Christy starts doling out hair to everyone. 

Jade comes around the corner to find three grandmas in bad fright-night wigs. She looks both surprised and scared…and then confused when Christy explains that this is a “Wig-gagement” party for her. 

Cheyenne explains that Christy throwing a weird party for Jade shows just how far they’ve come in their relationship.

Meanwhile, Sean and Zach are about to arrive and Christy’s excited for the surprise. 

Jade is explaining to the group that her wedding theme is “Gothic Victorian” which basically translates to “elevated Victorian.”

Um….

Just then, Sean and Zach burst through the door, much to the surprise of Jade and Cheyenne. 

Jade is thrilled to see Sean, who is wearing a very bad mullet wig.

Zach grabs a George Washington wig and plops it on, and apparently Cheyenne has a “Founding Fathers” kink because she looks like she wants to take him into the bedroom and hump the American Revolution out of him.

I have no clue what I’m writing. Please help me.

Jade, too, is feeling like having some “sexy time” with her mulleted boo.

After the party, everyone sits around the fire and talks about how in love Jade and Sean are, and how excited they are for their wedding. 

(Of course, this was filmed just a few weeks before Zach and Cheyenne’s wedding and she is dying a little that no one is out here talking about her wedding and instead giving all of the attention to Jade and Sean.) 

Christy comes out (still wearing her wig) and shows Jade and Sean that she got them an ice cream cake. She is thrilled about this cake. Seriously, I haven’t seen Christy this happy since Roxanne told her she’d shave her cooter cat if she got the Brazilian Butt Lift.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)