In an attempt to bring back some trashbaggery to The Roundup, The Ashley has decided to (at least temporarily) bring back her Mama June recaps! The latest season— dubbed Mama June: Family Crisis— premiered last Friday, and The Ashley suddenly has a desire to bring a play-by-play of this Hefty-bag-of-a-show to the masses.

Let’s get on with the shenanigans!

We start with a recap of events leading up to this season. Pumpkin— seemingly named for her habit of “pumpin” out kids— tells us that when we last saw her, she had just expelled her second spawn, Bentley, from her loins. With two kids at home, her sister Alana living with her and her sis Jessica shackin’ up on the couch, Pumpkin had been trying to figure out how to afford enough Hamburger Helper to feed all them mouths!

Meanwhile, Mama June had finally ditched Geno— her boyfriend and former partner in crimes such as motel trashin’, gas station fightin’ and general druggin’. However, according to Pumpkin’s monotoned narration, June barely had enough time to hose the “Geno” off her private parts before she had ditched her daughters on a quest to find yet another low-life man!

Pumpkin says she barely had any time to process that Mama June had run off (again) because soon afterward she found out that she was pregnant…again…and this time with twins. Pumpkin recently shot Baby Sylus and Baby Stella out of her nether regions. (And, yes, that means that she now has daughters named Stella and Ella…on purpose.) 

Mama June was fixin’ to reveal some big news of her own. Pumpkin regales us with the tale of how her mother found a random street hoodlum to shack up with. She and her new beau eventually end up moving down the street from Pumpkin’s House of Wayward Siblings.

Shockingly, Pumpkin isn’t impressed by Justin’s smoldering good looks. She asks Mama June why “he don’t got no teeth,” and assumes he’s now sans choppers due to a bad case of, um, “Meth Breath.” 

Mama June doesn’t like that Pumpkin and Alana are making fun of her man! She also doesn’t like that Alana is refusing to move in with her and a man who looks like the “Faces of Meth” website personified. 

Go figure…

Alana insists she wants to continue to live with Pumpkin. Because of that, Josh and Pumpkin go see a “law-er” to try to battle Mama for custody of Alana. Eventually, the “law-er” meets with Pumpkin and June in a weird motel room and June happily signs over custody of Alana to Pumpkin. Everyone is shocked that June jumped at the chance to sign over Alana. 

UM…why is anyone surprised that this trashbag couldn’t wait to get rid of her kid so she could focus on her latest methed-out man-child? Hefty bags gotta hefty…

However, once Ol’ June finds out that she now owes money to Pumpkin each month for child support, the whole “take my kid…please!” plan doesn’t sound as good as it did before. 

“This is some bulls**t, Pumpkin askin’ for child support!” an angry June tells the cameras. 

Pumpkin tells Mama that she knows she’d rather play [Sugar] Mama Tooth Fairy and pay to fix Justin’s gangrened grill than take care of her financial responsibilities for her kid. 

Once Justin’s been saddled with some fancy new chompers— courtesy of Mama June— Pumpkin is furious. She takes Mama June to court, where the judge decides that Mama June will need to pay Pumpkin $800 a month to support Alana. 

The court battle has made Pumpkin angry and she says she’s done with Mama, her freshly fanged lover-of-the-week and all of the drama that comes with it! 

After all of the catch-up, we finally start off the new season down in the holler, where Pumpkin is at home and up to her eyeballs in babies. There are youngins eatin’, youngins cryin’ and youngins jumpin’ on the ding-dang bed! 

Pumpkin says that, with four kids under four and a teenager in the house, she is done having babies. She had her tubes tied so that she won’t have to cram any more “oopsie babies” into her home. 

Meanwhile Josh tells us that he’s not big on “the work” and such. Currently, he’s just doing “freelance” manual labor whenever he can. 

Soooo….WHO IS PAYING FOR ALL THE BABIES AND THE HAMBURGER HELPER AND WHATNOT!?

Meanwhile, Alana tells us that things are going well for her. She’s a senior in high school and is still with her boyfriend, Dralin. It’s time for Alana to go to school, and everyone is screaming at each other. (They’re not mad. They all just speak in ear-splittingly loud voices on the regular for some reason.)

Down ‘er in Alabama, Mama June tells us that she’s got some “big news” for us. 

June says she knows better than to pass up the chance to put a ring on a fine hunk of meth man meat like Justin. That’s right: June and Justin are MARRIED! 

June explains that her new hairdo (which looks like some sort of woodland creature got into  pink paint and then crawled up on June’s head and died) is to make her “look more younger and youthful.” After all, June is a ripe 43, while Justin is only 35 years old. 

They each make some stomach-churning cougar growling sounds at one another, and then Mama June tells us that she proposed to Justin…

…while he was in jail.

AS.YOU.DO.

Justin– who was in the clink for a probation violation— was probably just looking for a place to crash once he got released from that three-hots-and-a-cot life, so he agreed to marry June. 

It’s just like The Notebook, y’all! 

June and Justin are on their way to get some breakfast, and June tells us that they’re stuck living in Tuskegee, Alabama, because Justin has some pesky “probation obligations” to complete before he can move back to June’s lil’ slice of hee-haw heaven in Georgia. June isn’t fond of the area, given that’s  where she and Geno got busted for gas station brawlin’ and druggin’ and such a few years back. 

June tells us that she’s worried about her health. She’s been getting really bad headaches lately, and her ears have been ringing.

Um…has anyone ever thought that maybe it’s because June and all of the people in her life constantly shout at jackhammer decibel levels? Just me? OK…

June also says that she’s tired of her ding-damn daughters making her “pay for her past mistakes.” She says she barely hears from the girls unless it’s about child support… which she also doesn’t want to pay.

Finally, Justin and June arrive at fine eating establishment The Lunchbox, to slop down as many flapjacks and pork-like sausages as they can fit in their mouths (and/or pockets) until WEtv pays the check and cuts them off. 

The waitress approaches June and Justin (mostly likely to give Justin the kid’s menu) and takes their drink orders.

Justin proceeds to read the menu to June, who is blind (and grinning like a damn clown from my nightmares. Seriously, I can not take “June in Love.”) 

Justin is tired of taking orders from June. 

“I ain’t your servant!” he tells her. “I don’t work for you.”

(Or….for anyone…)

June doesn’t seem to care. In fact, she seems thrilled to have a man to do her bidding. 

Justin then drops a “bombshell” on June as she shovels in her cheesy grits. He tells her that he is not happy with the way their marriage “went down.” 

Justin says that, although he signed the papers to get hitched, it wasn’t really fair since June asked him to get married while he was in jail. 

I…can…not.

He tells June he “wasn’t emotionally into” his marriage, given that he had just been sprung from jail and, before that, rehab. 

“You tellin’ me you wasn’t emotionally into ME?” June says, before accusing Justin of trying to back out of their “romance” because she’s blind and has medical issues. 

Honestly, it’s probably also that hairdo, June. Just sayin’…

Justin assures June he doesn’t want a divorce (at least not before she buys him more new body parts and gaudy jewelry.) He says what he actually wants is to have a big wedding so that everyone in their lives (who is still talking to them and/or not currently in the custody of a correctional facility) can be there to celebrate their love!

When June hears that, she turns back into “June In Love” which makes Justin flash us a big fake-tooth grin. 

I’m about to upchuck my cheesy grits, y’all. 

June starts gushing about having a “blinged out” wedding, and says that she will surely become a “June-Zilla” of a bride. She’s sure that her daughters will want to be part of her wedding, even though they currently don’t want anything to do with her. 

Back at Pumpkin’s house, Alana is yelling at Dralin for being late to pick her up and take her to high school.

OK….is anyone else a bit uncomfortable that this 21-year-old man is driving his 17-year-old girlfriend to high school? It’s just…weird.

Meanwhile, Pumpkin is driving over to where Jessica has been staying (which is apparently behind a burned-out barn?) 

Pumpkin surprises Jessica by just showing up to her new abode. She’s thrilled that Jess finally shoveled her carcass off of the couch; however, Pumpkin thinks it’s weird that Jessica no longer calls her so she decides to see what’s really going on at Jessica’s new home.

Pumpkin pulls her clown car ‘o’ screaming youngins up to Jessica’s house as Jessica frantically plucks some photos off her refrigerator door. We don’t get to see who is in the photos, though. (I’d imagine they’re just a bunch of pics showing off Justin’s new chompers, from various angles?)

Jessica tells us that she is hiding something; however, she’s not ready to tell Pumpkin what it is yet. 

I.AM.RIVETED.

Jessica lets Pumpkin and her assorted spawn into her new place, which Pumpkin oohs and aahs at.

“This is niiiice!” she says as she admires the mismatched wooden exterior, and “laminate floorin'” and whatnot.

Pumpkin’s looking around and spies a photo of Jessica and her female roommate. She then quizzes her sister about what she’s been up to lately and even asks her if she’s been moonlighting as a corporate stripper. (As you do…)

Jessica says, no, she hasn’t been peeling off her oversized T-shirt for petty cash. In fact, she actually got a real job. She’s working in a daycare!

Pumpkin is none-too-pleased to hear that Jessica is spending her days taking care of other people’s kids. 

Pumpkin asks Jessica when she’s planning to shoot some spawn out of her lady garden and get married. 

“Jessica, you’re 26. I’m 22 and I’ve got four kids!” Pumpkin says.

Um…that’s not the flex you think it is, Pumpkin. 

Pumpkin mentions that Mama June has only met her twins one time, for five minutes at the hospital when they were born. Neither girl is surprised, though, that Mama has picked a man over her kids, as they say it’s been happening their whole lives. 

Meanwhile, Josh is taking the red-headed youngin with him to run errands. He tries to get $20 worth of gas but his card gets declined. It gets declined again when he tries to get $10 instead.

Josh calls Pumpkin to see where he can get some cash money and she tells him that she used up all their money paying for Alana’s “field trip.” (Where the hell are these kids even going on a field trip? Uncle Jethro’s Milk Farm? How much could it cost?)

Pumpkin says that, as per usual, Mama June is late on her child support check. Pumpkin and Josh have been juggling Mastercards lately to pay for all of Alana’s senior year expenses (not to mention enough diapers to cover the butts of a small army).

Times are tough, y’all!

Pumpkin leaves Jessica’s to go bail Josh out at the gas station. 

Back at whatever converted garage June and Justin are currently residing in, June is complaining of headaches. Justin wants her to go to the doctor, but June insists she doesn’t have time for “no doctor.” After all, she’s got a blinged-out beach wedding to plan!

One day later, though, June’s health issues catch up with her. She is rushed to the emergency room. We see her in the hospital bed, all wrapped up in a cocoon as Justin admires all of that fresh, clean bedding.

Justin explains that, after June’s face went numb, he had to call the “am-ba-lance.”

“We’re newlyweds!” Justin tells us. “I don’t want to lose her!” 

Justin continues to provide updates on June, who is getting all sorts of tests done to see what’s wrong with her. He wants June to tell her daughters that she’s in the hospital but she doesn’t want to. 

Back at Pumpkin’s house, Alana is busy terrorizing everyone on the regular with her entitled, bratty attitude. Just then, Jessica comes over (holding baby Bentley, who was just roamin’ the property aimlessly, probably trying to find a way out of being on this terrible show.)

Pumpkin is mad when she doesn’t receive June’s child support check in the mail.

“Alana’s got field trips to pay for!” Pumpkin says.

SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE THEY GOING ON ALL THESE FIELD TRIPS!?!?

Pumpkin decides to call up Mama to see where the hell her money is. Of course, we know that June is currently in the hospital, numb-faced. But Pumpkin doesn’t know this, as June has not told any of her daughters about her health incident. 

June tells her that she’ll get the check out just as soon as she’s released from the hospital. Pumpkin feels like a jerk-nozzle for badgering Mama for child support when she’s at death’s door. She knows Mama has had seizures, strokes and other issues in the past, and now she’s worried something worse will happen to Mama. 

June also informs Pumpkin that she currently lives in Alabama.

“What the hell? She done moved again without tellin’ somebody?” Pumpkin yells. 

(Seriously did you never look at the return address on those child support checks, Pumpkin? Maybe she thought “Alabama” was a city in Georgia? I don’t know…)

“What the hell are you doing in Alabama?” Pumpkin asks June.

Pumpkin is not surprised to hear that Mama has once again moved for a man.

“The only thing that’s constant about Mama is she’s a selfish a**hole!” Pumpkin tells us.

True to form, Mama scolds Pumpkin for not asking her how her health is. 

UMMM.

Pumpkin asks Mama if her “health issues” are caused by her doing drugs again, and June insists that she isn’t getting high. Pumpkin reminds June that she also said she wasn’t doing drugs years ago, only for her to have been arrested wearing a sweatsuit full of crack and other assorted illegal substances.

Pumpkin wishes Mama the best, but tells her if she finds out she’s whacked out on crack again, she’s cutting her off!

With that, we end the premiere episode of ‘Mama June: Family Crisis.’ 

To read more of The Ashley’s reality TV recaps, click here! 

(Photos: WEtv)