It’s been a few weeks since we checked in with Mama June, her “dentally challenged” hubby and her gang of ear-splittingly loud daughters, so let’s head on down to the holler to see what Mama ‘n’ em are up to.

When we last left her, Mama was in the hospital for her mystery medical issues. While Mama insisted that her ailments were serious, many in her life circle believed that Mama had once again developed a case of Con-Junkie-Vitis. However, Mama insists that she’s not using drugs again.

Meanwhile, Jessica revealed that her “roomie” is actually her girlfriend, much to the family’s surprise. Pumpkin is mad because Jessica had been keeping it a secret from her that she and the “roommate” (who meets the family wearing her finest oversized T-shirt, natch) were more than just friends.

The new episode starts with Jessica going to see why Pumpkin’s got her britches in a knot after meeting the girlfriend. She finds Pumpkin in her room, pouting in bed and waist-deep in babies.

Pumpkin tells Jessica that she’s mad that Jessica lied to her about her relationship with the roommate. (Seriously does this chick have a name?) Pumpkin makes it clear that she’s not mad that Jessica is gay; she’s mad that Jessica lied to her and was hiding things from her.

In fact, Pumpkin accuses Jessica of some very June-like behavior. When Jess hears that Pumpkin’s even suggesting she’s anything like her Muppet-haired mother, she gets upset. 

Meanwhile, out in the kitchen, Josh, Dralin, Alana and various Oopsie Babies are all just staring at this poor nameless roommate chick as she nibbles on her Kraft cheese ‘n’ potato combo. She looks scared (and kind of like she wants to upchuck her “struggle slice”-covered meal) but doesn’t say much. 

Josh decides to break the ice by asking the girl (who he later tells us is named Cheyenne Shyann) some questions.

“So….got a job?” Josh asks.

Shyann says she does.

Josh continues to ask the questions all smart hillbillies should ask of their sister-in-law’s girlfriend. She tells him that she has a car (!), her own teeth (!!) and no history of crack use (!!!) 

The family is impressed. Her own teeth and no convictions for crack?! Shyann is a ding-damn unicorn in the holler!

As if that’s not enough, Shyann then reveals that she’s purchased PIZZA for the whole gang! Bringing in those Little Caesars Hot-n-Readys pretty much seals the deal with Jessica’s family. 

Back in the bedroom, Jessica promises to be honest with Pumpkin going forward. Pumpkin emerges from the room, only to discover the Hot-N-Readys are waiting for her outside. She looks absolutely thrilled and even initiates a pizza “toast” to the happy couple.

The next day, Pumpkin has a whole mess of child-related chores to complete. Some of the youngins need to go to the doctor, some of them need to go to gymnastics and some of them just need to be located. However, Alana decides she wants to go to the mall and asks for a ride. 

Alana tells us she wants to go to the mall to buy the family “Pride” shirts to celebrate that Shyann (and her Little Caesars punchcard) are now part of the family. Pumpkin, however, has no time to be chauffeuring Alana to the mall, what with all the sick babies and such.

Pumpkin tells Alana that she needs to get her drivers license. (Honestly, how would Pumpkin even be able to drive Alana around with all the babies she has packed into that minivan? Do they just hitch her to the roof and tell her to hang on or…?) 

Josh and Pumpkin also tell Alana to get a damn job so she can pay for her own car. 

Speaking of jobless people, we then check in with June and Justin, who are at home in Alabama. (Honestly, I don’t even know if where they’re living qualifies as a “home.” It almost looks like an abandoned Jazzercise studio or something.)

Justin’s in a tizzy because his Mama and Aunt Tracy are on their way to the house. June is, per usual, in bed maxin’ and relaxin’ and unhappy to hear that she will have to put on a less-wrinkled T-shirt for the occasion. 

Justin is frantically throwing stuff under the bed. He’s going all out– even setting out some generic brand water bottles on a storage bin for the “guests.” 

June is concerned that Justin’s aunt has seen all of the stories about her in the media.

“I wonder if your aunt didn’t saw all the negativity in the tabloids?” June asks. 

Justin says that, unfortunately, his aunt “did saw” the stories about June possibly being on drugs again.

Just then Justin’s mom (who goes by Mama Dukes for some reason) and Aunt Tracy pull up to the Jazzercise studio. June is worried that his aunt won’t like her. Justin assures her that his aunt will love her “just like everybody else does.” 

Well…except June’s own children.

And…except most of America. But, you know, everybody else.

Mama Duke enters and seems to be fangirling about seeing June. Justin informs June later that his mom and aunt are both fans of June’s show. That makes June nervously, naturally, because she’s been exhibiting trashbag behavior on TV since her Sugar-Bear-smoochin’ days. 

Aunt Tracy and Mama Dukes are treated like special guests, with Justin leading them to the “living room” (aka the set of camping chairs sitting in the middle of the room next to the storage bin with the waters on top). 

“We don’t have much furnitures!” June bellows. 

June then asks Justin’s mom and aunt if she’s “in trouble.” 

Aunt Tracy informs June that she’s not in trouble. In fact, they are actually there to help plan June’s bridal shower. 

June is floored. She had no idea that Justin’s family was planning to do this for her. (She also probably had no idea that brides are expecting to shower on their big day, but I digress…)

Anystench, Aunt Tracy informs June that everybody is coming to the bridal shower, and that it’s gonna be a ding-damn shindig!

The holler hasn’t seen this much action since the day The Walmart had pickled hog jaws buy-one-get-one-free!

Mama Dukes says that they have contacted June’s daughters, as well as her sister Doe Doe to see if they will attend this shower for June. Of course, June hadn’t even “gotten around” to telling her kids about her blinged-out beach wedding, so she’s kind of happy that Mama Dukes went ahead and did it for her.

June doesn’t tell Justin’s mom and aunt that her own daughters hate her. Instead she lies out of whatever’s left of her teeth and says the girls are “super excited” for the wedding. Justin is shocked that June is lying about this situation.

June tells the women that she’s only doing this whole wedding thing “one time” (even though this is actually the second time she’s walking down the aisle.) For her “one time” wedding, June says she wants everything to be glitzy and glam. 

Break out the glitter glue y’all! 

Mama Dukes asks them what their favorite colors are. June says hot pink, teal blue and coral. (Justin knew his answer didn’t matter so he didn’t even bother to go get his box of crayons to start naming off colors.) 

“The more blingy-ier…” June says, “Glitter! Glitter! Glitter!” 

(OK I was kidding about the glitter glue but I should have known she would actually want it.) 

Once Aunt Tracy and Mama Dukes leave, Justin speaks up and seems shocked that June— a legitimate Hefty-bag-of-a-woman who is hated by all of her family— would lie. 

“You ain’t told them girls nuthin’!” Justin says of the wedding plans. 

June says it would look bad if Justin’s family knew that her daughters despise her, so she’d rather just lie to them. 

“And you wonder why your girls and everybody else is mad at you!” Justin— who is obviously not getting that Happy Meal today— tells her. 

“I didn’t realize I married a f**king liar, June!” he adds.

Um…you didn’t? Were you living under a rock? Did the hobo camp you frequented in your druggin’ days not have Wi-Fi or something? How did Justin not know this about June?

With that, Justin storms away from June (into the bathroom because there’s only so many places one can go in an old Jazzercise studio, ya know?) June hollers at Justin to come back but Justin stays in the shower area. Finally, he emerges and sits back down on the camping chair.  

June insists that all this frettin’ and fussin’ the girlseseses are doing is normal for them. She says that, usually, she does something awful, the girls get mad, ignore her and then come back around when they are contractually obligated by WEtv to do so. Then June will do something awful again and start the whole toxic circle of filth over again!

Justin is skeptical, so June decides to prove her point and call up Pumpkin and invite her to this glitter-glue-covered trash heap of a wedding.

Pumpkin doesn’t pick up, so June calls Alana next. She also doesn’t answer the phone. 

Justin says that “them girlseses” better show up to the bridal shower! No one makes his Mama Dukes look like a damn fool for believing lies! 

Justin makes some sense, though: he says that he and June are both in recovery, and telling the truth is a big part of making recovery work. 

Over at Pumpkin’s house, Josh decides that Alana needs to get her drivers license so he hands her study materials for her learner’s permit. Alana– who has become positively unbearable to watch this season due to her snotty attitude— insists that her boyfriend Dralin will just drive her around. Josh accuses Alana of being just like June, ordering her men around. 

This scene is just awful. It’s painfully obvious that both Alana and Josh are “acting” and acting badly at that. Alana is literally just reading a script of stupid things to say. 

I regret my decision to recap this show. Just so you know…

Back at the Jazzercise studio, June is feeling low, especially because Justin is refusing to pick up his phone. (Maybe he ran out of minutes?) 

Eventually, Justin staggers back home. June starts doing “random dancing” with Justin (which I believe is some sort of hillbilly mating ritual?) Justin tells June that all this dancin’ doesn’t change the fact that June made him lie to his Mama and he don’t like it none! 

After he says his piece, though, June is feeling quite frisky so she demands that they mate under the glow of the string lights set up at the Jazzercise studio.

I WILL VOMIT, YOU GUYS, IF I HAVE TO WATCH THEM MATE. I SWEAR I WILL.

June tells the camera crew to get out because she’s getting naked.

(I have never seen a production crew pick up their cameras and run out of a room as fast as this crew did after hearing that.) 

One week after that vomit-inducing hump sesh, Mama Dukes takes June to the florist to work on some wedding flowers. June insists she wants silk flowers instead of real flowers, because they are “more bougie.” 

The florist leads the ladies to the part of the store with the silk flowers, which he says are normally reserved for cemetery use (and, you know, the occasional “You are NOT the father” party and whatnot.) 

June tells Mama Dukes that her bouquet alone may cost $1000. 

In the middle of the flower talk, Mama Dukes brings up the fact that June’s daughters have not RSVP’d for the shower. June brushes it off but looks worried.

Back at Pumpkin’s, Doe Doe arrives to talk about June’s shower. Pumpkin says this is the first she’s heard of it, since she hasn’t checked her messages because she literally has kids crawling all over her at all times. Pumpkin is shocked to see that June’s getting a bridal shower— and another wedding– and that she wants her kids to come.

“She always thinks that we’re gonna show up for her,” Pumpkin says of June. “Like, you can’t even show up for your own f**king kids and you’re worried about some wedding!” 

Pumpkin says she already knows that June’s gonna blow all her money on glitter and disco balls and whatnot, leaving nothing for June to send over for child support.

Pumpkin calls up June, who is still at the cemetery florist shop. She’s mad that she had to find out from Justin’s mom that June is fixin’ to get hitched again. She is also upset because she thinks June is going to waste all her money on this wedding.

June says she plans to have her blinged-out wedding on a budget.

“Yeah, June never does nothing on a budget— except for taking care of Alana!” Pumpkin replies.

Not gonna lie… that was a sick burn, Pumpkin.

Pumpkin says she’s unable to attend the bridal shower shindig, given that she plans to be elbow-deep in baby poop that day. June declares that Pumpkin is “rude” and they hang up. 

June, not wanting to look dumb in front of Justin’s mom, then decides to focus her energies on getting one of her other daughters at this shindig. She doesn’t have to get the famous ones– Pumpkin and Alana— she just has to have a human being who shares her DNA to show up at whatever Taco Bell they’re fixin’ to throw this party at. 

She calls one of them up at the florist, blubbering on about how much she loves her and whatnot. We don’t get to find out which daughter she called, though.

At Pumpkin’s, Alana finds out about Mama’s upcoming wedding and bridal shower and is not impressed. Pumpkin predicts that Justin will show up to the wedding sporting a suit made of $100 bills.

Josh makes it clear that he has no interest in attending this beach wedding bonanza. In fact, he says, if necessary, he will actual shoot a bullet into his own hoof so that he has a reason why he can’t go. 

I think that’s nice…

One week later, it’s time for June’s bridal shower! Surprisingly, they aren’t holding it at the Taco Bell. Instead, they’re having it at an actual event center (which is in the middle of a strip mall, naturally, but hey, it’s classier than I thought!) Mama Dukes and Aunt Tracy actually put together an adorable bridal shower. 

To bad it’s being wasted on a dumpster fire like June…

The guests begin to arrive, and they are mostly members of Justin’s family. However, Doe Doe arrives to show her support. All of Justin’s relatives are fawning all over Doe Doe because they’ve seen her on the show. 

Except Justin’s brother. He legit looks like he couldn’t be more miserable.

Aunt Tracy goes on and on about how long they’ve all watched the shows. She then outs her husband Allen as a mega-fan, stating that Allen has been watching them since they were on Toddlers & Tiaras.

“I’m so excited to meet Honey Boo Boo!” he says. 

Doe Doe is feeling very uncomfortable having all these people fan-girl over her and her family members. She’s flashing a big toothy grin (thanks to those fake chompers in her mouth) but she’s obviously uneasy being the only member of June’s family to show up so far. 

Doe Doe says that she’s not going to be the one to burst these megafans’ bubbles and tell them they’re not going to meet Honey Boo Boo today. 

Not only are the girls not at the shower, but June is also missing. Everyone is wondering where June and Justin could be.

“They should have done been here!” Mama Dukes says. 

Back at Pumpkin’s, Alana calls up Jessica to tell her they’re all going out that weekend. She insists that Jessica shouldn’t “look raggedy” and that she should “put on something nice.” 

(I guess Jess is gonna have to pull her “good T-shirt” out from under that plastic dry cleaner’s bag.) 

We find out that Alana & Co. are planning to take Jessica and Cheyenne to a drag show as a way of “welcoming” Cheyenne into the family. They even make matching tie-dyed shirts to wear.

At the bridal shower, June and Justin finally arrive. Aunt Tracy says that the “DJ done left, you’re so late!” 

Well, I’m sure you can go get DJ MethMouth to come back and do his set as soon as he gets a quick lil pick me up, guys…

June is disappointed to see that her daughters haven’t shown up for her. She acts like she’s surprised by them no-showing, but assures everyone that at least one of her four daughters will come. 

June tells us her “Plan B” (which she created after Pumpkin basically told her to kiss off) is “in the works.” 

They begin to play a series of bridal shower games.

We soon find out who that “Plan B” is: her oldest daughter, Anna. (I’m sure Anna is just thrilled to hear that she was June’s back-up option for when she got desperate.) 

Doe Doe looks positively thrilled to see Anna (probably because Uncle Allen will start fan-girling over “Chickadee” and leave her the hell alone). 

June explains that she and Anna have decided to move past their longtime estrangement. 

Doe Doe believes Anna is just there to burn the place down to get back at June. (Honestly, I’m hoping for the second option, but that’s just me…)

Anna announces that she just had surgery to get rid of a tumor in her abdomen. (Obviously, we now know that Anna has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, but this was not known when this episode was filmed.) 

June, as per usual, is a great big ol’ trashbag and uses the opportunity to brag about how “close” she is with her kids. Doe Doe rushes into a corner to call up Pumpkin and inform her that Anna is at the shower. 

Pumpkin is shocked that Anna went and didn’t tell her. She also thinks Mama paid Anna to show up. (If Anna suddenly turns up with a large supply of blinged-out beer koozies, I think we have our answer.) 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Mama June: Family Crisis!’ To read more of The Ashley’s ‘Mama June’ recaps, click here! 

(Photos: WEtv)