Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s time to check in again with MTV’s favorite not-so-underage breeders, the gals of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter! It’s basically business as usual in DumpsterFireVille, with Jade trying to wrangle her wayward parents, Catelynn dealing with her trashbox family (and those pesky bangs!) and Maci learning that Ryan continues to find new ways to destroy himself and those around him.

We start this clownfest off with a dirty-looking Catelynn asking for all the “tea” from the get-together in Florida. (I’m not trying being mean here; Cate actually looks like she just went for a roll in the mud with her therapy pig. There should be some sort of clause in their contract that requires them to hose off before getting on-camera.)

“The gals” all hop on a video call in their fake group chat to discuss what happened in Florida. Basically, Chey and Bri tell Catelynn and Maci that they all acted like seventh graders and played Truth or Dare and Bri was forced to give Devoyyyyyn a peck on the lips. Oh, and a lap dance.

OK…so slutty seventh graders but still…seventh graders.

We are forced to, once again, see Briana’s Dr. Miami-carved-up caboose grind all over Devoin’s no-no stick. 

Super. 

It’s not all laughs and lap dances, though. Jade hops on the call and informs “the gals” (sans Ashley and Amber–who has been completely missing in action for the whole season thus far) that she has a lot of issues happening with her parents. 

“They’ve been, like, homeless. They haven’t been doing good, they’re at like rock bottom,” Jade says. 

Jade confirms that Christy & Co. aren’t “no juiceheads” (in the words of the great Butch Baltierra). Instead, they’re using drugs, again, and Jade has been forced to cut them off, again.

Jade says that her parents’ druggin’ and do-baddin’ is making her depressed and ruining the fun of planning her wedding. 

Over in Vegas, Bar informs Ashley that Zach is taking a whole trip to Vegas to discuss what was posted online. (Again, #ThingsYouCanDoWhenYouDontHaveJobs)

Apparently, they can’t just call each other to settle the drama, they have to meet face-to-face.

Jobs, I’ll tells ya! They all need JOBS. Then they wouldn’t have time for this crap. Or, at the very least, constructive hobbies. Why not take up crocheting or something? 

Bar tells Ashley that he and Zach are going to try to come up with a way to “stop this s**t online.”

Um…Zach doesn’t need to use up his JetBlue points to fly to Vegas. I can solve this problem right now: you just STOP.

STOP running to social media every time someone does something you don’t like.

STOP talking crap on your co-stars and just ignore them.

STOP wasting your time worrying about this crap.

STOP looking like foolish middle school clowns who need something else to do.

But because this is Bad Girls Club ‘Teen Mom’, obviously no one can do that. Ashley is not happy that Bar wants to chat with Zach about what Cheyenne did, which, according to her, was banding “with a bunch of lying ass bitches.” 

Ashley is still sore that Cheyenne un-invited her to The Wedding of The Century because Ashley launched a saliva bomb at Briana during Family Reunion. She advises Bar to “be careful” when he meets with Zach.

Meanwhile, Cheyenne tells her friends that Ashley is causing drama with the cast, but she’s happy Zach is going to meet up with Bar to discuss it.

Cheyenne says doesn’t want to address it herself because she’s “not a fighter anymore.”

Over in Indiana, Jade tells “the gals” that her mom and dad’s recent druggin’ is stressing her out. Her daughter, Kl-o-ee is, as per usual, buried in her tablet, as Sean calls Jade’s trusty pal, Chau, who has apparently moved to Vegas since the last time we saw her.

Sean asks Chau to come back to Indy to visit Jade in hopes that it will cheer her up.

Because this is ‘Teen Mom’— where the airline miles are apparently endless and no one has anything to do except hop on planes and jet off across the country at a moment’s notice— Chau arrives in Indiana within a few days. She is sitting in a car waiting to surprise Jade, who has no clue her friend has been flown in. Jade (and Cllloweeee) are thrilled to see Chau.

Jade runs home, packs a bag and her and Chau head to a hotel for the night, where they vow to “tear this place up.” Once they get there and open some wine, Jade tells Chau that her parents “haven’t had no where to live” and are basically just bouncing around town, with Christy just livin’ and, you know, shavin’ her cootie in a variety of rot-gut motels. Jade said she’s done trying to help her parents by giving them money and places to stay/shave.

Christy has admitted to Jade that she’s too deep into the druggin’ and needs to go to rehab. Jade is trying to get her into rehab but is still waiting to hear if one is available. 

Jade said she doesn’t feel right about having her wedding and being happy when she knows her parents are on drugs and homeless (and most likely sleeping on the air mattress they brought Jade home from the butt doctor on.)

The next day, Christy once again ruins Chau’s plans for a good time. Right before Chau and Jade are supposed to head to the spa, Christy gets on her burner phone and calls up Jade. Christy doesn’t want to chit-chat when she finds out Jade’s filming, though, so she  vows to bother Jade later. 

Not long after, the rehab facility calls Jade and tells her that state-funded insurance doesn’t cut it and that Christy & Co. are gonna have to shell out a boatload of cash if they want to shack up in the rehab’s Home for Pill-Popping Parents. Jade is distraught, knowing her mom and dad can’t afford it.

Jade contemplates using all her wedding money and the money she’s saved for a new home to for her parents’ 20000th trip to rehab. She says she can’t do it, and then proceeds to tear down the car cameras and mics, Mackenzie Edwards-style, for some privacy.

Over in Michigan, Catelynn tells “the gals” about her own family problems. Cate is having problems with her little brother Nick — whom she basically raised since good ol’ April was too busy boozing and smashing pissers with mulleted drug addicts to make sure Nick stayed alive.

Catelynn claims Nick stole from her last year and then went on social media to bash her and Tyler. (You can read about that here.) Tyler tells Cate that Nick was their last sibling who hadn’t screwed them over, and that makes it even harder. Catelynn chows down on some food and tells Ty she’d like to talk to Nick and smooth things over.

Soon, though, she’s crying into her seven-point quesadilla.

Later, Tyler helps the oldest Not-Carly with her eyeliner as Catelynn types out a long message to her brother. She can’t even read it without bursting into tears, showing how upset she is that her relationship with Nick has turned so sour. 

Nick actually responds to her message, saying he wants to fix things between them too, since it’s been a year since he was blamed for “s**t I didn’t even do.” 

Cate is put off by Nick’s condescending response, telling Tyler that, after they placed Carly for adoption, she basically just used Nick as the original Not-Carly.

Finally, we head to Tennessee to check in with Maci. She’s praising Ryan for being so open and honest with her, now that he and Macky E. are on the skids. Maci meets up with her pal Keelie for lunch and immediately orders a beer (per usual) and starts blabbing about her own life as Keelie is forced to listen. (It’s either listen or Keelie’s going to have to pay for her own Southwest Salad!) 

Maci tells Keelie that “maybe” some of the things Mackenzie said Ryan did are true, “but maybe they aren’t.”

UM.

I can NOT, y’all.

Maci says that Ryan has “slipped up” and “relapsed for a day or two.” 

UMMMMMM!

I may not be a therapy horse or a Dr. Drew Addiction Specialist or whatever, but I do know that you don’t just go back to “casually” using heroin on the willy-nilly! This is ridiculous. Why are we acting like Ryan relapsing on HEROIN is like he smoked a cigarette after saying he was gonna quit?! 

Next we get the ominous music so we know Ryan done “slipped up” again.

The Ashley gets a surprise when she sees her own story headline (with the website’s logo cut off because, MTV never credits me). They reveal more about the house Mackenzie claimed Ryan trashed— the one they and their kids lived in. 

But, you know, “maybe he did maybe he didn’t,” right, Maci? (You can read about that here!) 

They also show the police body cam footage from Mack and the cops exploring her trashed home. 

Maci and Taylor discuss Ryan’s “redecorating” of his home, with Maci calling the video “concerning.” Taylor says it’s gut-wrenching to see a home where the kids lived completely destroyed. 

“I’m worried about Ryan,” Maci says.

UM!??! Are you concerned he got splinters in his hand when he was ripping the cupboard off the wall? What the actual hell?

Maci says she’ll have to talk to Bentley before he sees videos of Ryan’s house “re-do” on The Interwebs. Shockingly, they don’t show the actual convo Maci has with Bentley about his dad’s extreme home makeover. (They do take it right up until the point Maci asks Bentley to talk, though. Poor kid doesn’t even care anymore. He just wants to preen his mullet and play X-Box.) 

Later, we get to see footage of Ryan being arrested. They have the timeline so screwed up here, because this footage is from Ryan’s arrest in February. All of what we have seen in this episode actually happened after Ryan’s arrest, so they already knew about it and were for some reason pretending it didn’t happen. 

JESUS GOD LEAH!

Later, Producer Kerthy meets up with Larry to find out what happened with Ryan. Larry tells Kerthy that he’s scared he will lose his only son. 

Meanwhile, the day has come for Zach to get on a whole ass plane and fly to Vegas just to talk to Bar. What a life!

They start playing this high-tension music as Bar and Zach make their ways to the meeting spot. They’re really building this up like they’re going to meet up in some abandoned spot in the Nevada desert, with Bar wearing his signature “Shoot Loops” T-shirt, and fight to the death over whose wife called whose wife a trashy ass ho or something.

All the build-up is even more ridiculous when we see where Bar and Zach are meeting: a place called “Chilly Jilly’s Bakery & Cafe.” 

I can’t, you guys…

Zach pulls his hood up to prepare for battle (as he walks through Chilly Jilly’s bright pink door). He sees Bar sitting at a booth. The battle music continues to play.

They greet each other with small talk about wearing shorts (as you do), and then get right down to business. Zach tells Bar that he knows he called the girls on the show “hos.” Bar admits he probably did make the ho comment. Just when we think Bar is going to come over the Pepto-pink table and strangle Zach (Jerry! Jerry!), he is basically just like, “Yeah, these women are dumb. It has nothing to do with us.”

COME ON. YOU FLEW ALL THE WAY TO VEGAS. SOMEONE NEEDS TO END UP IN A HEADLOCK.

They both talk about how pointless and dumb all the drama between the women is. Zach says that he wants to stop any drama between him and Bar before it gets too big. Bar agrees, and the guys basically share an order of Jilly’s french fries and have a sock-hop-date. 

Ugh. I sure miss the days where people were just hitting their friends in the head with drumsticks on this show. Where’s Trashbag Tori when ya need her!?

The guys decide that the drama between Chey and Ashley can be fixed, but Bar says that Ashley will never be cool with her ‘Family Reunion’ sparring partner, Briana. 

After his date at the soda shop with Zach, Bar goes home to tell Ashley how things went. Ashley is uninterested.

Meanwhile, Cheyenne is sitting in her MTV Mansion when her dad Kyle arrives. He basically tells Cheyenne to just end this nonsense because no one cares about it. 

THANK YOU.

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)