Pull up a chair and get ready to dive into the vacation from hell as The Ashley breaks down Episode 2 of 90 Day: The Last Resort. 

This week’s episode kicks off with the 90 Day Fiance fan favorites couples they keep forcing on us still reeling from their first group therapy session, during which Kalani revealed to the group that Asuelu cheated on her, contracted oral thrush and attempted to smooth things over by allowing her to kiss someone via a “hall pass.” Kalani also revealed to the group (and Asuelu) that she cashed in that hall pass and ultimately slept with a man she met on on social media. 

TL;DR: Asuelu and Kalani proved once again that they are made for this franchise. 

Ed and Liz reflect on the therapy session while laying on top of each other and celebrating the fact that they’re “not the worst couple” at the retreat, which is a lot like being the least-filthy Porta-potty in a line of disgusting portable toilets. 

As Ed and Liz revel in the pain of others, Kelly tells the camera he’s embarrassed that the therapist had to tell him to sit by Molly during the group session. Really, Kelly? You just sat through Asuelu and Kalani’s tale of sketchy blow-jobs, yeasty tongues and sexing it up with social media strangers and YOU’RE embarrassed? The only thing you should be embarrassed about is the fact that you’re on this show.

Back in their room, Kalani and Asuelu keep the festivities going as Asuelu questions whether Kalani has real feelings for Hall Pass Guy. Kalani explains to her husband that, while she intended to kiss and dismiss Hall Pass Guy, she ended up catching feelings–– something arguably more pleasant than what Asuelu caught from the rando he hooked up with. 

Asuelu is upset that his hall pass plan completely backfired, while Kalani is still pissed that Asuelu cheated on her in the first place. Asuelu continues to argue that his transgressions aren’t as bad as Kalani’s because he hit it and quit it with his side piece(s), whereas Kalani has stayed in contact with hers. Kalani tries to justify her continued contact with Hall Pass Guy by reminding Asuelu that before banging it out with this rando she had only slept with him, so to her, sleeping with someone is a big deal…or something. 

Asuelu tells Kalani he wants the two of them to “start fresh.” Kalani tells him to stop saying sorry and start actually showing her that he’s sorry–- first by giving her their room for the night so she can have some space and presumably have her nightly chat with Hall Pass Guy without Asuelu and his yeast tongue looking over her shoulder. 

The next day, we find Jovi and Yara working out in their room like a couple of aspiring Instagram fitness models on a sponsored trip, while Molly and Angela have a twerk sesh in the pool while bonding over bad relationships and being from Georgia.

Molly tells Angela she’s bothered that Kelly hasn’t stepped up like he promised her he would and like Kelly, she’s also embarrassed about being called out by the therapist for the whole seating situation. Still, Molly isn’t completely closing the door on her chance to be on another spinoff relationship with Kelly, even if they do have a lot of stuff to work through. 

Angela tells her newfound bestie not to worry about what went down on Day 1 and and to focus on Day 2. Angela also warns Molly that if she acts the same way she did the night before, she’ll look like a “massive bitch,” as opposed to the boomer Bratz Doll aesthetic they both appear to be going for.

As Day 2 of this tropical depression continues, the couples gather for another group activity. Therapist Petey assures the group that they’re in for a day of fun, but before they can get too excited, relationship expert Dr. Janie explains that the “fun” will consist of a trust and communication challenge.

Mental health counselor Dr. Jason shuts down the possibility of fun even further when he instructs the group to team up with their partner to work through an obstacle course. 

Because Angela’s better half is participating in this retreat remotely, being beamed in from Nigeria, she’s told to pick a Michael stand-in for the activity. Angela picks Jovi because, according to Molly, he’s young and fit, while Yara insists this partnership is built solely on Angela and Jovi’s love of drinking.

Dr. Jason walks the group through the obstacle course, revealing that one person in each couple will be blindfolded as the other person guides them through different activities using only their voice. Dr. Janie tells the couples the winner will be determined by who finishes first, but Dr. Jason reveals to the camera that the real winner will be the couple who communicate the most effectively. 

Yara and Jovi and Asuelu and Kalani are up first, and the former crush it while the latter ride the struggle bus all the way to the finish line. Say what you want, but Asuelu and Kalani are nothing if not consistent…ly hard to watch.

Ed and Liz and Molly and Kelly are up next, and both teams make it clear before taking off that they’re competitive, confident and possibly not wearing underwear. 

Moments after starting the activity, the group–- as well as Liz–- notice that Ed is absolutely kicking ass, despite taking zero instruction from his partner. Ed claims he did well because he memorized the course, while everyone else comes to the conclusion that he could see through his blindfold the whole time. Jovi says it’s “sad” that Ed would cheat in a therapy activity. (Really? It seems right on brand to me…)

Angela and Jovi are the last to go through the obstacle course, with Angela leading a blindfolded Jovi as Michael watches and cheers along from the sidelines via his little monitor. Jovi and Angela end up finishing with the fastest time, but their victory celebration is cut short when Ed argues that Jovi didn’t cross the finish line and therefore deserves to be disqualified.

Kelly tells Ed to let it go, but Ed is still bent out of shape about Jovi calling him a cheater moments earlier. Before a cast member melee breaks out, the experts reveal to the group that the actual winner is the couple who had the best communication, which secures the W for non-couple Angela and Jovi.

After the obstacle course, everyone sits down to discuss the activity and the physical/emotional trust that it tested. Kelly and Molly are commended for their communication skills, to which Molly admits she opted to be blindfolded so Kelly would have to take the lead–- something she feels he needs help with. 

Liz and Ed’s run is discussed next, with Ed admitting he “didn’t really get” the point of the activity at first, but after reflecting on it, he realizes he doesn’t trust Liz. Ed also admits to cheating on the obstacle course, to the surprise of absolutely no one. Even though Liz is pissed at Ed for not listening or trusting her, she tells Ed she’s proud of him for admitting that he cheated, claiming it “shows progress.”

Yara and Jovi also confront some of their trust issues, as Jovi admits he probably wouldn’t have been very patient with Yara if she had been guiding him through the obstacle course. While on the topic of trust, Yara brings up the fact that she continuously tells Jovi she’s not ready for another baby, but Jovi doesn’t seem to be listening.

Yara then says she has a secret to reveal– a statement that historically (for these first two episodes, anyway) means something bad is coming. 

Yara goes on tell Jovi that she’s been taking birth control “behind his back”–- a decision Jovi feels they should’ve made together. 

“She should do whatever she wants with her body,” Kalani projects interjects.

Jovi assures Yara he would never intentionally get her pregnant against her wishes (umm…), but Yara says when Jovi wants something bad enough, he gets it–- and that apparently includes offspring.

Dr. Janie, who clearly doesn’t understand that this franchise operates on pure and utter disfunction, urges the group to be proactive in their relationships instead of living with the whole “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” mindset. 

When it’s finally Asuelu and Kalani’s turn in the hot seat, Kalani says the obstacle course further proved that Asuelu’s listening skills are virtually non-existent, particularly when she screams at him.

The experts tell the couple they need to work on “emotional regulation,” which will allow them to work together, even when they want to rip off each other’s faces.

Angela tells the group that Kalani and Asuelu’s terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad relationship has taught her a lot about her own terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad relationship, because she’s able to have compassion towards not only Kalani, but also Asuelu, who she reminds the group “cheated first” in his relationship.

Angela says she hasn’t been able to show Michael, who cheated on her “virtually,” that same compassion, but this new perspective has encouraged her to give it a shot. 

Despite helping one of the other couples, Asuelu says he’s still upset that Kalani continues to talk to Hall Pass Guy. The experts tell the couple that by having an “escape hatch” (aka side pieces) they are essentially setting themselves up to “not be successful.”

In other words, water is wet.

On the bright side, these things can also set couples up with the opportunity to appear on a show about struggling relationships. #SilverLining

Kalani offers to block Hall Pass Guy’s phone number while she and Asuelu are at the resort in order to fully commit to the process, which makes Asuelu happy.

After group therapy, Ed and Liz hit the hot tub, where Ed immediately strips down, and unfortunately we don’t mean emotionally.

WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS, TLC?!?

Moments after Ed plunks his naked bod into the hot tub, Angela comes out to hang with the couple, only to be greeted by a full-frontal Ed. Naturally, Angela greets him back by flashing her breasts and suggesting that Big Ed “get an extension” on his Below Average Ed. 

Ed eventually clothes himself and Angela, Molly and Kelly squeeze into the hot tub with him and Liz. Once he learns that Ed was enjoying the hot tub bare-assed just moments earlier, Kelly immediately regrets submerging himself.

As the two couples and Angela (did no one think to get Michael a waterproof case?) discuss the day’s events, Kelly–- who, after swimming in Big Ed’s bathwater, may be leaving this resort with more trauma than he arrived with-– reveals that his main takeaway is that Ed is annoying AF. Kelly says he hasn’t forgotten that Ed called him a “bitch” amid the whole obstacle course cheating situation, but says he’s giving Ed a pass just this once.

Moments later, Ed interrupts Kelly–- something he’s done multiple times-– at which point Kelly calls him out for his bad manners.

“Do you not get a lot of attention?” Kelly asks Ed, with Molly adding that Ed is constantly interrupting everyone. 

Angela tries to defend her fellow flasher, telling the group Ed acts a certain way (aka insufferable) because he doesn’t know how to show his emotions. (He does, however, apparently know how to show his penis.)

Kelly says he doesn’t care and proceeds to confront Ed about calling him a “bitch” earlier that day. Ed warns Kelly not to threaten him, insisting he’s not afraid of anybody. Ed also explains to Kelly that he called him a bitch because Kelly called him a cheater. Kelly tells Ed he didn’t call him a cheater, Jovi did…as did Molly, Angela, and nearly everyone watching at home….BECAUSE HE LITERALLY CHEATED.

I can’t….

As things in the hot tub heat up, mee-maw Angela tries to rein everyone in by shouting and telling them to “shut the f**k up.” We’re just glad she kept her top on while doing so. 

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s other recaps, click here!  

RELATED STORY: “90 Day: The Last Resort” Star Kalani Faagata Reveals She Used “Hall Pass” to Get Back at Cheating Husband Asuelu Pulaa

(Photos: TLC)