Howdy, Roundupers! Before we go down the rabbit hole of chaos and condom-less adventure that is Teen Mom: The Next Chapter, The Ashley wants to apologize for being a “bitch of a recapper” and getting behind in her recaping. She knows she missed last week’s crapisode, but from what she can tell, not much has changed: everyone is still squabbling about social media, going to court and being generally unlikable.

We kick this episode off in the girls’ fake group chat. Maci requests a video chat with “the gals.” Even Amber manages to roll out of whatever lounging apparatus she’s been stuck in for the last few weeks and joins.

Ambie tells Catelynn, Maci, Briana and Cheyenne that she is back on the show after a “very long, needed break.” 

Um…a break from what? Amber and the rest of these goons have been on a “break” since 2009 when they heaved a youngin out of their underage hoo-haas and started cashing those MTV checks. 

Anyway, Amber explains she needed to “find herself” without cameras and, although she thought she was done filming for good, she came back because she missed “everyone.” 

Sure, Jan…

From there, we dash over to Austin, Texas. Briana is flying over there (most likely using two airplane seats— one for her and one for her Dr. Miami-created butt) to meet up with Devoin, who is fresh out of The ‘Hab. They are going to have a therapy session together.

(Honestly, I feel like I need a therapy session after watching Bri grind Devoin’s dingle in that lap dance scene from a few episodes back.) 

Bri and Devoin are still considering trying to get back together, but Bri says she wants to talk about co-parenting better with Devoin first.

Counselor Nick is pleased to see Devoin doing so well following his stint in gambling rehab. They dive right in, with Counselor Nick talking to them about why it is hard to start up a relationship again after so many years.

Briana points out that she has history with Devoin (not to mention a whole ass child) and that she can’t just hump-him-and-heave-him like a random dude she’d meet on the street/in ‘da club.’

Briana says that, while she’s proud that Devoin now has a job and an apartment, she’s still waiting for some of his sweet MTV cash to come flowing her way. Devoin says he can’t help because he hasn’t gotten his car registered or his license back, so that’s preventing him from helping Bri.

Devoin says he really needs his car but doesn’t have the money. If only he knew someone with giant piles of cash at their disposal!

Finally, Briana pipes up, telling Devoin she is happy to give him any amount of money he needs to deal with his transportation issues. 

Later, Devoin promises Briana that he’s saving his money and doing what he needs to do.

When we check in with Ashley this episode, she’s home in Las Vegas while Bar is in California doing his thing–- aka, heading to court.

Ashley reminds viewers that because her boneheaded better other half failed to complete the paperwork for his court-mandated community service, the judge could sentence Bar to up to six years behind, well…bars.

Bar heads into the courthouse–- where we presume he’s greeted like one of the regular patrons on Cheers–- only to exit a few moments later. He calls Ashley to tell her his court date has been pushed out two weeks due to his paperwork still being unsigned. Ashley tells Bar this situation isn’t “ideal,” and he really “should’ve gotten them f**king papers signed.”

Bar claims he tried to get it done, but because “this lady” didn’t prioritize his request, it didn’t happen. Ashley tells Bar it was up to him to get it done, not “this lady.”

Bar tells Ashley he’s going to head back to Las Vegas instead of kicking it in California until his rescheduled court date. Ashley tells viewers that she might as well get the money back on her wedding venue-– all $20,000 of it-– because she just can’t get excited about marrying paying for a wedding to someone who can’t even bother to get a piece of paper signed. 

Over in Indiana, Amber has emerged from her cocoon, which means that Gary, Kristina and the rest of the Ambie Crew can film again finally. Amber must still be arranging her couch cushions, so we first check in with Kristina, who is driving Leah to the doctor. Leah wants to talk to the doctor about her period.

Meanwhile, Amber has been moved to a chair on her porch. (It’s good to turn her every few hours so she doesn’t get bed sores!) Her friend Lexi comes over to chat. The convo turns to Leah, who is now 14 and “been having boyfriends.”

Amber reminds us that she was riding Gary’s giggle stick when she was just a little older than Leah is now. 

Since we last saw her, Amber has done a lot of self-reflection and is taking accountability for her past. She even says that things improved for Leah when Kristina came into her life, and admits that it was better that Gary and Kristina took over the parenting of Leah, because at times she wasn’t capable of doing it herself. 

Wow. That’s a lot of progress for Amber. She’s come a long way from screaming in her kimono on Instagram Live about Kristina being a homewrecker!

Amber recognizes that Leah could have turned out to be a very different kid had she not had the stability of Gary and Kristina’s parenting.

Over at Gary’s, GarBear is maxin’ and relaxin’ in his Lazy Boy recliner, when Kristina comes in to tell him that the doctor has recommended birth control for Leah. (We are talking about Leah Shirley here, not Leah Messer, although it wouldn’t hurt if an MD were to throw a Nuva Ring her way, too.) 

Kristina explains to Gary that the birth control is to regulate Leah’s period, and not because she is sexually active. 

Gary— a cool dad— says he’s all for Leah getting on the pill. After all, he doesn’t want to see Leah in a few years sporting ‘Roseanne’ bangs, throwing up Taco Bell in the delivery room that she made her baby daddy sneak in. (Honestly, Teenaged Eyelinered Amber was just wild.) 

Gary agrees to talk to Amber about putting Leah on birth control.

Meanwhile, Jade receives a call from her mom, Christy, who’s been in a rehab down in Texas for a couple of weeks now. Despite being just two weeks into the program, Christy is wildly optimistic about her post-‘Hab life. Meanwhile, Jade feels “conflicted” after dealing with her parents’ addictions/tomfoolery for so long. 

Jade says Sean is still doing well and they’re really happy, and with her parents otherwise occupied at the moment, now is the perfect time for her to work on herself to start healing from all the trauma she’s suffered because of all the rejects in her life.

Jade tells her friend Chau Kiersten that she’s going to start going to Al-Anon meetings to help her with said-healing. Not-Chau tells Jade she doesn’t know what Al-Anon is, to which Jade tells her that’s a good thing. 

Back at her house, Jade manages to snag her laptop away from her gaming baby daddy long enough to log on for her first (virtual) Al-Anon meeting. Before the meeting begins, Jade is feeling skeptical about the whole thing and tells Sean she isn’t planning to share her story during the meeting, she just wants to listen. An hour later, she emerges from her room and tells Sean the meeting went well. 

She also tells him that she did end up sharing a small part of her story at the end, and afterwards, a few people that were in the meeting messaged her privately to welcome her. Sean hopes the meetings will help Jade so that she and Christy don’t “have to hash much out” once Christy returns home from rehab.

Jade says her and Christy’s problems will require a lot more than Al-Anon, but Sean says it will at least help her have a better understanding of Christy’s addiction. Jade tells him Al-Anon is more about the person attending, not the addict, “because the attention is always on the addict.”

“So it’s not for me to understand her, it’s for me to understand me,” she tells him. 

Finally, we head to Tennessee to see what Maci’s up to. What’s she’s “up to” is having to once again defend her baby-daddy-turned-bestie, Ryan, after he has pleaded guilty to harassing his wife Mackenzie. News footage from Ryan’s day in court tells us that he’s going to have to go to rehab, wear a fashionable ankle monitor and complete treatment if he wants to stay out of the pokey. 

Ryan is no longer behind bars and, instead, is lounging around his parents’ firepit. Jen tells Ryan that she and Larry want him to go to rehab again. Ryan says it’s no fair because he’s not even on drugs…and stuff.

Jen tells him that, in the last six months, they know he’s chased the dragon, and Ryan admits it. She asks Ryan if he wants to go to this rehab and he just stares blankly ahead and says “Okey-dokey.” 

UM…first off, he’s court-ordered to go, so I don’t understand why everyone’s checking with Baby Ryan to make sure he’s OK with the plan. It’s either hit the bricks and go to rehab or go back to making toilet bowl prison sangria with Butch Baltierra.

Jen tells Ryan he has to really “want” to get sober and Ryan stares off blankly. She then brings up how Maci has been so supportive to him lately.

“It’s surprised the hell out of me!” Ryan says.

Larry and Jen try to convince Ryan that he needs to go to rehab to be there for his kids. 

Later, Ryan texts Maci and asks to meet up for a chat. Maci agrees and tells “the gals” how shocked she is that she and Ryan can go somewhere together and it doesn’t end with anyone getting a restraining order placed on them.

They meet up at a restaurant and, seriously, you can cut the sexual chemistry with a knife. They’re both exchanging playful jabs at each other, as Ryan tells Maci he has to go to that ding-dern treatment center for 30-45 days in Texas.

(SERIOUSLY, is EVERYONE just hanging out in this Texas rehab? Christy, Ryan and Devoin all chillin’ and ‘habbin’ together? It’s like The Real World…er… ‘The Real [F**ked Up] World.’) 

Maci tells Ryan she’s been worrying about him, and encourages Ryan to call her if he needs to talk. Ryan gets choked up and agrees.

The next day, Ryan’s packing up to go to rehab. He hugs Bentley and his parents goodbye and promises to put a lot of work in while he’s gone.

Back in Vegas, Ashley FaceTimes her mom, Tea, to fill her in on Bar’s now-pushed back court date. Instead of understanding why Ashley is pissed off at Bar, Tea enthusiastically points out that Bar isn’t currently locked up, so Ashley should be happy.

Tea goes on to suggest that Ashley forgive Bar, adding that she “wants to give him a break.”

“Well, YOU be his wife, because I’m f**king tired!” Ashley replies. “It’s not like I asked him to go to the moon and get a specimen and bring it back.”

Ashley says she’s tired of Bar’s “selfish irresponsibility” and tells her mom that trying to communicate with Bar is pointless. Tea tells Ashley that she picked Bar to be her husband, so now she just has to roll with it, court dates and all. Ashley says she may have “picked” Bar, but now she’s “sick of his ass.” She goes on to tell Tea that she’s tired– not of playing Bar’s “woman,” but of playing his “mama,” to which Tea says she can understand her frustration. 

Tea starts to change her tune even more, telling Ashley there’s an “epidemic of men who don’t actually fit the qualifications of what a man is.” What she doesn’t say, is that many of those men go on to become D-list reality TV stars. (Some in this very franchise!)

Bar finally makes his way home and Ashley is visibly unenthused about his arrival. The next day, Bar states the obvious says the next step for him is to get his paperwork signed. He assures Ashley that once it’s done, there shouldn’t be anything else to worry about. 

Over in Indiana, Gary calls up Amber to inform her that the doctor wants to put Leah on birth control to regulate her periods. Gary makes sure to tell us that Leah did give the OK to put this conversation on-camera. 

“She’s definitely not sexually active,” Gary assures Amber. “I’m glad that she won’t be like us!” 

Later, Amber tells us she’s happy Leah is being smart and getting on the pill so she doesn’t end up on ‘Teen Mom’ Season 78.  

Gary takes Leah out to the porch to talk about the birth controlin’ and such. Leah assures him that she’s not thinking about banging dudes at this point, and she just wants to stop having cramps. Gary reminds Leah that, should she decide to have sex, she could end up with long-term consequences.

Gary tells Leah that Amber was 17 and had already dropped out of school when she got knocked up with her. Leah feels relieved that she wasn’t the reason that Amber’s impeccable scholastic record was ruined.

Gary keeps blabbing and using weird metaphors to encourage Leah to keep it in her pants for a while.

“Like, if you’re gonna rob somebody, don’t use a gun!” Gary tells a very confused Leah.

I love Gary.

He encourages Leah to live her life as a kid and go for big dreams, and not end up hooked up to a fetal monitor with Pitocin running through her underage body and a camera crew in her face like Mommy Dearest. 

Leah later tells the camera that she feels lucky that she can talk to Kristina and Gary about anything. She says she couldn’t imagine having a baby right now, and that she can go to a good college and have a good career if she keeps moving forward.

She doesn’t reveal if she’s planning on doing any gun-less robberies, as her dad suggested, but I’m gonna take that as a no.

Back in Texas, we see that Devoin and Briana have been shacking up in an AirBnB together. Briana tells us the trip went “really, really well.” (Ohhh, I’m sure…hopefully Bri took her birth control to “regulate her period” too.)

Briana has to go back home to the Coven, but encourages Devoin to stay and hang out with his friends from rehab. 

Once Briana is back home, she gets a visit from her long-lost pal, “Shirley.” (FINALLY! I was about to send out a search party to find out what happened to her!) 

Briana tells Shirley about her and Devoin’s adventure in Texas. However, there’s been a new development since Bri touched down in Florida. Apparently, Briana rubbing her bootlicious derriere on Devoin’s dingle dangle wasn’t enough to satisfy him, as he scurried over to the strip club after Briana left. He also brought a giant wad of Briana’s cash with him, and bragged about it on The Interwebs… as you do.

Briana is furious and humiliated. She just fell for Devoin’s sob story about not having car registration money, yet here he is flashing her cash before slipping it into the booty cheeks of a girl who was not fortunate enough to get knocked up at 16 and get adopted by MTV.

Devoin defended himself when Briana sent him an angry text about the money post. He stated that it’s “only” $500 in one dollar bills. Briana points out that there is plenty of things he could have used that money for other than bopping it on the booties of sad Texas girls. 

“Shirley” encourages Briana to cut her losses and give up on the idea of getting back together with Devoin.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of a previous episode, click here!

(Photos: MTV)