Grab a partner–– your own or someone else’s–– and get ready for another week in paradise the inferno as The Ashley breaks down Episode 3 of 90 Day: The Last Resort. 

When we last checked in with the romantically-challenged couples, things were heating up in the communal hot tub after Kelly finally had enough of Big Ed’s equally big mouth. This episode picks up with mee-maw Angela inserting herself (and her “SEKSI” necklace) in the Kelly-Ed drama, urging Ed to simmer the hell down for his own good. 

Angela continues to have Ed’s back. Meanwhile, Liz isn’t sure who to side with: the one who’s right (Kelly) or the one who nabbed her this gig with TLC (Ed). After some more jabs in the jacuzzi, Ed calls Kelly a “bitch” for the 413th time, at which point Kelly hops out of the cast member stew with Molly following behind him. (Hopefully production had firehoses full of Lysol to wash off whatever communicable diseases were almost certainly floating around in that tub.) 

Angela tries to justify her siding with Ed, claiming she had to do it because Liz wasn’t. As for Ed, he blames his aggressive behavior on his past and the fact that he’s been bullied all his life. Ed says he’s “touched” that Angela had his back, but wonders why Liz didn’t. 

While Angela lectures her pseudo-son Ed, Kelly and Molly walk back to their room, laughing over Ed’s empty threats and, um…spherical bod. 

Unfortunately Kelly and Molly’s moment of closeness is brought to a screeching halt when Kelly tells Molly he’ll never let anyone disrespect her, and Molly basically tells him that’s a bunch of BS. Kelly claims he changed his whole life for Molly, but Molly says relocating to be with her doesn’t automatically make him a knight in shining armor, it just makes him a Georgia resident.

Back at the cesspool hot tub, Liz grabs a towel and starts to head back to her room. Before leaving, she tries to explain to Angela why she didn’t go full #TeamEd during the hot tub argument, noting that Ed did, in fact, cheat during the obstacle course activity and, although he didn’t deserve to get yelled at by Kelly, (umm, says who?) Ed does run his mouth a lot, so he kind of had it coming. 

Angela tries one more time to get Liz to stay at the world’s saddest and most unappealing mini-pool party, but Liz says “no thanks” because Angela “talks over everyone” anyway. This statement lights Angela the hell up, leading her to exit the hot tub at a speed that may very well have broken a hip record before calling Liz a bitch. Angela then drunkenly power walks to Liz and proceeds to yell, curse and get all up in her face. 

“No bitch, you run your f**king mouth and I might hit it,” Angela-– someone’s grandmother–- threatens. 

As this goes down, Ed–- still fuming over Liz not having his back–- stands by awkwardly while a senior citizen with an attitude straight-up verbally assaults his future wife.

Over in Kalani and Asuelu’s room, the couple reflect on the night’s group therapy session, during which Kalani learned that Asuelu wasn’t a big fan of her carrying on convos with Hall Pass Guy. Kalani says the fact that Asuelu was brought to tears over the matter made her realize “that it’s not right”–– because apparently it takes making your husband cry to realize it’s wrong to cheat on your spouse?

Kalani kindly offers to get rid of Hall Pass Guy as Asuelu watches and then she ups the ante by asking if Asuelu wants to be the one to push the button to officially block Hall Pass Guy. 

Kalani and Asuelu say they’re hopeful for the future of their relationship, so much so that they culminate things with the world’s most awkward hug.

Next we check in with Jovi and Yara, fresh out of therapy and on the heels of Yara revealing her birth control secret. Yara says she knows Jovi is mad at her so “she” organized a dinner in the hope of smoothing things over. 

Jovi tells Yara to think about the situation she put him in, to which she reminds him that the situation is that she doesn’t want to get knocked up with any more of his spawn. She explains that she dropped the birth control bomb in front of the cast because she didn’t feel comfortable bringing it up to him one-on-one. Jovi–– who is willingly appearing on a reality show before our very eyes–– says he doesn’t want everyone knowing his business and considers what Yara did to be a “breach of privacy” and a contributor to their already existing trust issues.

Jovi goes on to list other things that Yara has done to break his trust, arguing that he isn’t the controlling one in the relationship, it’s her. After leaving the table, Jovi takes off with a bottle of champagne (as you do), while Yara heads to the room, convinced now more than ever that she and Jovi need to be at this couple’s retreat. 

On our last check-in with Ed and Liz that night, we find Ed picking up where Angela left off: completing chastising Liz for not having his back when Kelly called him out for cheating on the obstacle course. (Which again, is something Ed literally did.) Ed tells Liz she deserved to get a verbal beatdown from Angela, but Liz disagrees before grabbing a pillow and blanket to go sleep on the couch. 

The next day, Angela calls Michael to tell him about the “rough night” she had, while conveniently leaving out the part about her being a main contributor to said rough night.

Meanwhile, Kalani sits down to have lunch with her sister Kolini, who has apparently also weaseled her way onto this TLC-funded vacay. Kalani talks about the progress she and Asuelu have made after a whopping two group therapy sessions before telling her sister she’s glad she took the Hall Pass Asuelu offered her, because it made her realize how much better Asuelu could be doing (yikes).

Still, Kalani says she’s hopeful the two of them can repair their relationship and move forward (at least until it’s time for TLC to cast another relationship-rehab spinoff, anyway.)

Back in Jovi and Yara’s room, Jovi is hungover AF and Yara is eager to reveal why. According to her, after their dinner last night, Jovi took off to the resort bar where he found Angela (who else?!) and proceeded to get absolutely tanked. To make matters worse, the drunken duo headed back to Jovi and Yara’s room around 2 a.m., blasted a boombox (because apparently it’s 1987 and people still have boomboxes?) and tried to wake up Yara and convince her to join their circus party. 

Yara is pissed that Jovi opted to get sloppy at the hotel bar with Angela instead of spending time with her in their room. Jovi says he’s still pissed about Yara lying to him. Jovi accuses Yara of manipulating him with birth control–– a sentence I can’t believe I just wrote–– but Yara calls it like it is: “so f**king sick.” 

Yara begins to cry and tells Jovi he needs to go to rehab or she’s divorcing him.

And speaking of Angela, next we see Dr. Janie arrive at Angela’s room to talk about the multiple unsavory situations she was involved in the previous night.

Naturally, Angela plays dumb upon Dr. Janie’s arrival, forcing the doc to directly ask about the “ruckus” that went down. Angela’s first instinct is to ask, “Who ratted me out?”

(Um…she does realize that all her drunken escapades and various Mee-Maw hijinks have all been caught on camera, right?)

Dr. Janie reminds Angela that she, too, is staying at the resort and knows what goes on–- especially when it involves screaming at people and blasting boomboxes at 3 a.m.

Angela isn’t happy about being called out for her behavior, telling viewers that when someone “comes at her,” she comes back stronger. (And by stronger, we presume she means louder, more drunk and ready to fight.) 

Dr. Janie tries to get Angela to own her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad behavior, but Angela turns it around and blames it on Michael for “traumanizing” (no, you didn’t read that wrong) her with a year of lying and cheating. 

Dr. Janie says it’s good that Angela feels the need to protect people she cares about, just not in the way she does it. They also talk about Angela making an easy buck going on a couple’s retreat solo and how difficult it must be to have her man beamed in via spotty Wi-Fi.

Dr. Janie wants Angela to work on her anger issues during the remainder of the retreat and Angela agrees, but only because she says it will make Dr. Janie happy. 

Back at Ed and Liz’s lack-of-love shack, Ed wakes up and wants to talk to Liz about what happened the previous night. Liz starts by addressing Ed’s decision to inflict lasting damage on viewers strip down in front of Angela, claiming that kind of thing wouldn’t be acceptable if she were to do it. (Umm… it wasn’t acceptable when Ed did it either, but that sure didn’t stop him– or the show’s editors.)

Ed doesn’t want to talk about his shortcomings (pun somewhat intended). Instead, he wants to talk about how Liz didn’t defend him the night before. Ed claims he’s never had anyone stand up for him the way Angela did, so Liz suggests he go be with Mee-Maw instead. 

Liz storms out of the room and proceeds to call her mom, Patty, to talk about how frustrated she is about everything. Patty suggests that Liz start giving Ed the cold shoulder, noting that Ed “thinks he’s God’s gift to the world and he’s really not.”

She also says Ed needs to start being a man instead of a douche. 

When she gets back to the room, Liz tells Ed she’s sick of not being heard or supported by him and because of this, she’s sitting out of group therapy that day.

Ed tells Liz he’s sorry for hurting her feelings and says it wasn’t his intention to be the world’s worst listener, it just comes naturally to him– much like his good looks and winning personality. 

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous “90 Day: The Last Resort” episode, click here! 

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(Photos: TLC)