Just when you thought the worst thing that could come out of the swampy waters of The Land would be Jenelle Evans‘ Only Fans “spicy dump” photo drops, her husband David Eason has dumped something that can only be described as an oozing flesh wound in musical form: his new single “Please Don’t Make Me.”
Although The Ashley would rather take icepicks to her own ears than listen to David’s “song,” she has decided to take one for the team and review it. She has even attempted to decipher the lyrics. (Not since the release of Farrah Abraham‘s 2012 single “Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom” has The Ashley worked so hard to try to understand what in the holy hell someone was saying in a song.)
Seriously, his rapping style is the musical equivalent to dollar store rice cakes— void of any flavor and hard to digest.
David’s musical masterpiece was supposed to drop on Friday; however, the song leaked a day early, essentially robbing Mr. Jenelle Evans of any profits he would have received from curious (and masochistic) early listeners who used Spotify to hear this horrorfest. He and Jenelle are now actively promoting it, surely in hopes that David will earn a pile of nickels, which will allow them to brag that David does contribute to the Eason Family’s bank accounts after all. So there.
Let’s dig right, shall we? Since The Ashley is fluent in “Farrah Speak,” she feels confident that she will be able to decipher the “lyrics” of this rat-trap. (Please note, though, that The Ashley only speaks conversational “Swamp-anese” so her ability to understand what David is trying to mumble in this song may be limited.)
From what The Ashley can tell, Lurch’s song is about how he doesn’t want to shoot a person who is on his Land, but they’re making him. (We can assume this could be an ode to Nugget, Jenelle’s 10-lb. dog David shot in 2019?)
The Ashley bit the bullet (no pun intended) and listened to the song directly from Spotify so that she could hear it at its “best quality” as opposed to bootlegged versions.
The song starts out with what we can only assume is Jenelle, mashing some keys on Ensley’s Cocomelon keyboard toy, as David legit grunts out “Cheee-yah, a bing bang boom boom” and “ba-rat-a-tat-tat!”
The Ashley’s first thought was that this had to be a parody. Perhaps a skit for some weird, local Saturday Night Live rip-off show that plays on gas station pump TVs in and around the swamp radius? There’s no way two people— even two bumpkins like Jenelle and David— could actually think this was a good way to start off a song?!
Then comes the “rap.” The Ashley puts this in quotes because, essentially, David is just speaking loudly into the mic; there’s no flow or rhythm happening here whatsoever. The same speaking voice we heard him using to gaslight people on ‘Teen Mom 2’ is the same voice we hear on this cockroach-of-a-single.
“Please don’t make me cock it/ Please don’t make me pop it/ Aim it straight for your locket,” David grunts, obviously speaking about using his gun. “Goin’ straight for the pocket.”
Next, David talks about his bitches…as you do.
“Bitches down on my rocket, bitches down when you’re cockin'”
He then mumbles a line that gives us the horrifying mental image of he and Jenelle “doing the sex” in some sort of mobile home.
“If it’s rockin’ don’t come knockin’!”
If that line– and the ensuing mental picture it provides— is not enough to make you want to take an ax to your ears, David then busts out his most flavorless monotone to deliver the next lines.
“If you see me, please don’t stop me/ it’s detrimental, do you copy?/ Bullets coming you can’t stop it/ Shootin’ and killin’ is the topic/ Keep it rollin’ and don’t stop it/ Take a picture for your locket.”
(Seriously, are locket necklaces back in style over in the Carolina swamplands? Why does he keep mentioning lockets? I’d imagine David wears a locket with an Only Fans photo of Jenelle on one side, and a photo of Jenelle’s debit card on the other.)
Anygarbage, David then goes back to talking about “doing sex.” (At least that’s what The Ashley thinks this part is about; David’s marble-mouth garbling gets pretty bad in this part.)
“Tell your girl to put the cock in/ spiteful bitches is the hottest.”
David, who has been wearing Pippy Long-Swamping braids for the better part of a year now, then advises his listeners to make sure their hairstyle is in tip-top shape for all the in-the-woods shootouts they might be part of.
“Go get your braids fixed, before your braids is full of sticks/ Out in the woods we get our fix/ Shootin’ targets is the s**t/”
Next, David warns people not to trespass on his Land.
“Don’t get your wig split/ Don’t come across my f**kin’ fence/ There’s certain wars you can not win/ Barbed wire on your skiiiiiiin”
He painfully launches into the chorus, sounding out of breath and possibly in need of a throat lozenge. (Remember, putting together this musical ditty is probably the most work David has done since he hooked up with Jenelle years ago.)
The next verse continues to warn folks not to set foot on The Land, threatening to “lurk” and shoot someone before they see him.
“It really ain’t worth it/ I know nobody’s perfect/ When you see me, I’ll be lurkin’; it’s too late cuz you’ll be jerkin'” / Should have been a little quicker/ It won’t stick for the bitches(?)/ Should have did a little research/ Would’ve been a litter cheaper
“How much is your life?/ Come out and pay the price…”
Nope, nothing creepy about this…nothing at all…
David then reveals that he, as per usual, wants to do as little work as possible.
“Please don’t make me shoot twice/ Unless you payin’ for these knives”
“Can’t you see? You must be blind/ What the f**k is on your mind/ The Constitution has been signed/ Bae, your life is on the line”
Then we have to hear David rap about his rockin’ trailer and his locket and whatnot again, before getting—mercifully— to the final verse.
“Get in your car and drive/ Can’t you see this dermal fire(?)/ Barbed wire ’round your tire/ Gas been leakin’ for a mile/ You shoulda stayed ya ass home/ Got yer Mommy on the phone/ Man, too bad yer Dad is gone/ It’s OK you’ll see ’em soon”
David then calls the person he shot a “sissy” for bleeding…or something. I have no clue.
“Little sissy, baby cryin’/ Go to sleep it’s past your time/ Countin’ sheeps and countin’ knives/ Body leakin’ all the time.”
At the end, David issues a final warning to anyone considering entering The Land.
“Next time you see my gate/ Just drive your ass straight/ Because if I see yer f**kin’ face, I’m gonna find ya the next dayyyyy.”
We then have to relive the clogged-garbage-disposal-of-a-chorus several more times before our eardrums are finally given reprieve.
To date, David has only six “monthly listeners.”
Earlier this week, Jenelle bragged that David would “prove himself to y’all” in response to his haters. She told one person on Facebook that David’ song is “really good. Like you can jam out in the club or the car to this song!”
When Jenelle was reminded that— just one month ago— she was ripping David to shreds on Facebook, but is now back to being his biggest fan, Jenelle explained that this song has brought them back together…or something.
“I wanted him to do something with his life and be motivated about it… and he’s actually doing it,” Jenelle gleefully responded.
Jenelle also bragged that David made this crap-heap all by himself, out in her She-Shed, with no help.
“He did this in our shed on the laptop,” she wrote on Facebook. “What did we ‘have to pay for’ exactly? Maybe the album artwork because he hired an artist… but that’s it. He did the job of like 5 people BY HIMSELF.”
The song was produced by Jenelle’s newest LLC, Money Hole Records, which is not the same production company that The Ashley told you about back in June.
Bottom line: this song stinks just as bad as you’d expect anything that comes from The Land to stink. Much like David’s toenails, it’s way too long, and, similar to Jenelle, it lacks any real personality of its own.
In The Ashley’s opinion, David should not quit his day job.
Oh…wait.
You can listen to David’s “song” below!
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For more of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom’ recaps and reviews, click here!
(Photos: MTV; Instagram; YouTube)
59 Responses
He is the songbird of his generation ? about 30 seconds in my ears threw up
I pretended that this song wasn’t done by David, just to listen and be unbiased.
It’s bad. Like, really bad. ?
This had me in tears I was laughing so hard . The Ashley never disappoints ???
Came for the comments on this one LOL
I can’t decide if I want to believe that David went out in the shed and did one take and thought to himself “yup this is it, perfection”, or if he sat out there for hours maybe even days doing dozens of takes and THIS was the best one.
I’m pretty sure this is his “ attempt” to sound like todays rapper in a nonintellectual sarcastic manner. No matter he sucks, he could actually rap like emenem and I wouldn’t support him. No matter what he killed an innocent animal because one of his devil spawn wasn’t taught how to interact with animals. RIP NUGGET. David and Jenelle are trash, their DNA is tainted and warped and they should be sterilized along with any people who carry that DNA so that the world can be rid of this bloodline
As someone who lives in the same area as this 2 idiots and have seen them at my childs school and also at football practice for the school. (Their son was on the team for the younger kids). The idiot was kicked out of practice (not sure why but I think we can all figure it out) so they pulled the kid from the school. I just want to say these people are NOT a reflection of true NC country folks. They are an embarrassment to their children, themselves (if they are even able to comprehend that) and all of Southern NC.
Tell us more !! Are they as Dorcas they appear in pics??
Dirty. Sorry Typo
Save the children.
Couldn’t listen to it all,as it was shit.
damn that was painful to hear though.
Holy shit, Jennelle in the sunglasses picture is giving serious John Lithgow in “Raising Cain” vibes.
Not hot. Nope.
What a fucking repulsive loser. He just keeps proving how disgusting he is. Every attempt fails, quit trying. You and Jenelle suck, and are horrible human beings. Quit embarrassing your children further. You have already caused irreparable harm, and you are too stupid to realize it Run Jace, take your siblings wit you next time!, Jace, you can call CpS anytime!,,
Just had a thought! Kids at school singing this to screw with the Eason/Evans kids.
Hey. this must be the fried egg song!! I (accidently) ran across the video of DE in the swamp-forest announcing this… It was so unintelligible I thought he said “Dont make me drop this fried egg”.
Fried Egg Rap. Don’t look it up, it’s not a thing.
Country boys don’t rap! Country boys work a real job and don’t live off their wives money. Country boys pay their bills, take care of their kids, help other folks out and respect the law. David calling himself a country boy is an insult to real country boys. One day David will cross a real country boy and will receive a real country ass wippin’. Hopefully, one day both David and Jenelle will realize for themselves what the majority of people that know them already know. That they both are as fake as they can be and they care about no one but themselves. The embarrassment they cause their children by her showing her saggy tits and fat ass on line and him showing everyone what a low IQ idiot he is everytime he opens his mouth is staggering. One day they will wonder why their kids never come to see them. Of course, it won’t be their fault! To be fair, thank you to Jenelle for feeding, clothing and providing a house for the kids. Deadbeat Dave sure hasn’t provided anything for anyone. Unless you count his weed connections.He must have some really incriminating pictures of Jeeenelle doing something for her to keep him around. Apparently, misery does love company!
He is more of a knut than a country boy.
If one cent goes to the Easons I refuse to hit that play button. But honestly I have no desire to listen to that horror and do hope that The Ashley gets reimbursed for the damage she incurred to be ears and her soul by taking on this reporting assignment!
??.
Raise your hand if you think he’ll be nominated for a Grammy. ?
I’ll assume the locket is the Tiffany one from Gary(?) Jenelle wore for 12 years.
These poor kids living in this mess, they don’t have a chance.
This man really found the Klezmer muzak setting on his 1991 Casio mini keyboard and said, “Dude, have I got the bars to flow with this beat.”
Like, the disgusting lyrics might be the least bad thing about this shit.
But, hey, he did it all himself! He’s a big boy now.
Yes,Jenelle, there’s a reason most actual musicians don’t “[do] the job of like 5 people BY [THEM]SELF” [sic].
I don’t think I’ve ever so acutely missed the value of a good sound editor (or musician or producer), besides any time I’ve tried to listen to a Teen Mom who thinks she can just record herself talking about random shit like she’s on Instagram Live, upload it to the proper platform, and claim she’s a podcaster.
I guess I’ll just be grateful that he didn’t try to package this with a self-published memoir printed in 20-point font. “Your Swamp Dream Ended [At My Gate And In Your Locket] Ba-Rat-A-Tat-Tat,” indeed.
Let’s get Jenelle to do a TT dance to her husband song.
Jenelle bragging he’s made it all by himself is not the brag she thinks it is. My boyfriend’s band is doing the same and has friends over for background sounds. Drummer makes the cover art and shirts. Oh and this is a band of people working full-time and doing music as a hobby in the weekends.
Don’t quit your day job, UBT……err…..
What day job?? LOL
The Briana caption ???
David’s song bangs harder than Leah on a first date,
stay lit
Ashley always drops the best drags, that’s for taking a the bullet for all of use
Do you think when UBT inevitably goes on trial, this song will be used to prove premeditation by the prosecutor or by his defensive attorney to prove insanity? It could go 50/50.
You know it’s shit when you compare it to Jade’s boyfriend Sean’s rap and this is so hideous it makes Sean sound great.
David is a joke. A legend in his own mind. Nobody’s scared of his big, dumb caveman ass. I don’t know what club Jenelle thinks would play this shit. I guess it’s going to be background music to Jenelle’s “dancing” on tik tok.
Imagine that your hubby is such a lazy slob that you’re happy when he finally does something and craps err sorry ‘raps’. Thanks The Ashley for taking one for the team, I could only listen to about 1 min of this ‘dramastic’ masterpiece.
“His rapping style is the musical equivalent to dollar store rice cakes— void of any flavor and hard to digest.” Absolutely love this!
O m g
Jace ran away to escape this “music”
The Ashley,
You’re a saint. I got 2/3 of the way through this post and my brain felt like it was liquifying. My dog could come up with better “raps” than whatever the horror is that David made.
I’d love to slap him around a few times! This guy is mentally deranged
That man is deranged and he has 4 minor children living with him. That’s a recipe for disaster
Adding this to the longgg list of reasons we’ll all say ‘I told you so’ when David inevitably murders someone and Jenelle acts all surprised pikachu about it.
His music will be a big hit with people who are deaf.
WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. F*CK.
#disgusting
#delusional
#isthisajoke
???
I loved it. It was very creative and artistic. I’m proud of him. I’ve been a fan of tm2 for years. He’s the best one she’s had. Thumbs up on my end!
Creative ? LMAO!!!!
Constitution?
This explains their new hobby of drinking ☕️ and going for a walk.
This is either David or Jenelle. Nobody besides them would like this.
Idiot
No one in their right mind would say that this is good.
Ok ‘Jenny’ aka PB & Jenelly
Proud of him, like, exactly the words you wrote on your IG story??
Loooord! I know you’re desperate for him to get a job girl, but this isn’t it ??
Jenny, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume you are Jenelle. You said you wanted him to do something with his life and be motivated and he went out in the shed and recorded a song, this is something a literal elementary school aged child could do and you’re proud of him? He did the absolute bare minimum to keep you and your debit card around and you fell right for it. Please do better and set the bar higher. Supporting this garbage and all his other craziness just makes YOU look even more stupider.
People can listen to it for free on Reddit without paying him a dime ??
Loser.
Thank you for your sacrifice The Ashley!
I assume this is some kind of rap battle response to Tyler recently launching his music career?
The “bottom line” part ?.
These lyrics are silly, empty of any real meaning and childish af but also very creepy imo. This manchild needs serious help. And Jenelle needs it to. How could you fall for someone making crap like this???
No wonder Jace is running away every week from “the land”.
Father of the Year, big tough guy lol
Imagine being a grown ass man and being…….like this.
I have so much secondhand embarrassment I feel physically uncomfortable.
Omg the Jenelle running and Briana captions are spot on and the best!!! Thanks for your sacrifice and the laugh!
Jenelle was never the sharpest knife on the drawer, but her being *proud* of this clown for THIS is just nuts. It’s just like the word salad that Farrah speaks…..craziness. I think that he was just looking for words that rhyme. I cannot believe the number of people on her FB page last night that actually LIKE the song. To quote *Aliens*, *Have IQs dropped sharply since I’ve been away?*
I haven’t listened, just a review of his ..lyrics… is enough.
If I was handed those lyrics and asked to guess how old the writer was, you wouldn’t be able to convince me this was a high school graduate.
Some one needs to give David some new talking words – cuz he seems stuck on repeat with the few words that he knows now.