The Things That Matter brand stockings have been hung by the chimney with care, we’re fryin’ up some of Barb‘s Santa-shaped doughboys, and at least one Teen Mom baby daddy is clanking his spoon to tune of “Jingle Bells” on his jail cell’s bars. This can only mean one thing: the holidays are here!

The Ashley, being the helpful lil elf that she is, has once again put together a list of ‘Teen Mom’-themed gifts that are sure to bring a smile to the face of anyone pathetic enough to still be watching this show after 900 spinoffs and 17,000 seasons. 

Even if your finances “are not well” you can still pick a “more-classier” gift for that special someone you love, whether it be your fourth baby daddy, your sister’s Costa Rican-booty-call-turned-baby-daddy and/or your probation officer!

Here are The Ashley’s Top 10 gift picks! (Just a note: this is not a sponsored post in any way. The Ashley does not receive any sort of kickback or money for recommending these items; she just genuinely thinks they are funny, and she supports small businesses!) 

A Sticky Ode to Jenelle & David’s “Swamplicated” Relationship

This sticker is the perfect gift for any fan of the swampy soap opera saga that is the relationship of Jenelle Evans and David Eason! We’ve watched them make up, break up, and generally eff up their lives over the years, and this sticker is great for anyone who wants to show the world they love watching a trainwreck!

Buy your Jenelle & David “Swamplicated” stickers here! 

Groovy Tie-Dyed Ryan Edwards Muggy Shirt

Got a “dazed and confused” pal? An uncle who randomly loves both ‘Teen Mom’ and The Grateful Dead? Why not purchase one of these nifty tie-dyed tees featuring one of Ryan’s many (many) mugshots on it? The colors really bring out the redness in Ryan’s eyes and will leave you with that jolly, holly feeling only prescription pills Christmas can provide! 

Order your Tie-Dyed Ryan Muggy Tee here! (This festive frock is also available with Amber Portwood or Nathan Griffith’s mugshots!) 

Jenelle’s Famous “Promise” in Oopsie Baby Onesie Form

Let your “Oopsie Baby” wear Jenelle Evans’ infamous “Nothing Worse Can Happen” declaration loud and proud in this fashionable onesie! On her episode of “16 and Pregnant,” Jenelle told her mom Barbara that, since she was already pregnant, “nothing worse can happen.” (We all know how that went.)

Nothing quite says “Merry Christmas, Little One” like telling a baby that she’s the “worst case scenario” situation come true! 

You can buy the Oopsie Baby Onesie here! 

One-on-One “Life Coaching” Session with Farrah Abraham

Had a tough 2023? Can’t seem to get your life back on track? Who better to turn to than The Backdoor Teen Mom to coach you through the hard times in life? Gift this to your friend who’s on The Struggle Bus and let Farrah help them get it together, PER LAW! 

Although this reads like some very strange joke, it’s not. The Big F is actually offering one-on-one “life coaching sessions” via her website. It will cost you a cool $350 for an hour and 10 minutes of Farrah’s, um, advice. 

“Resilience 1 on 1 for 1 Hour for you,” Farrah’s website promises. “Bring 10 questions to get the most of your time and money in our one hour. Come as you are, it does not matter what you have or do not have right now, it’s time to evolve and get ready for some magic as we come together in a 1 on 1 safe place.”

(Note: the website does not reveal if that “safe place” is Farrah’s driveway Porta-Potty.) 

“Shockingly,” as of press time, there are still many, many slots available.

Schedule a “Life Coaching” sesh with Farrah here! 

Queen of the Swamp Courtin’ Notebook

Got a swamp-dwelling pal with an affinity for taking notes at their many, many court dates? Why not purchase this spiral notebook so they can show off their “Swamp Life” pride while also writing down details that will certainly prove that CPS/the cops/Barbara Evans/the media/everyone has wronged them! 

This “courtin'” notebook is small enough to sneak inside even the most-dainty “more classier” court purse and can be filled up with plans for new eyebrow kit lines and reminders of people you need to dox on Twitter. Or, simply use it to write down snazzy new lyrics for upcoming “rap” songs.

Buy a “Queen of the Swamp” Courtin’ Notebook here! 

Weird “Vintage” ‘Teen Mom’ Tabloids

If you’ve got a cousin who is longing for the early days of ‘Teen Mom’— back when Amber was orange, Catelynn had her “Kate Plus 8” bob and Ryan was “torturing” Maci…apparently— why not pick up a few old magazines from the marvelous 2010s featuring the ‘Teen Mom’ gang!?

(You’ve got to love that Us Weekly used a photo of Ryan where he’s all dressed up in a leather jacket, looking like a street hoodlum from a bad 1990s afterschool special.) 

To buy this 2011 magazine (or other ones featuring ‘Teen Mom’ stars), click here! 

Nathan Griffith “Pregnancy Preventer” Blanket

Need to buy a gift for a forever-fertile friend who already has seven kids by four baby daddies? Why not consider this blanket, which features Nathan Griffith— former soulmate of Jenelle Evans— telling you to “STOP IT!” Put it on your pal’s bed to remind her to keep both feet on the floor (and her pants zipped!) to prevent any further Oopsie Babies! 

Get your Nathan Griffith “STOP IT!” Blanket here! 

‘Teen Mom’ Mug ‘o’ Mugshots

You can buy this marvelous mug for anyone who enjoys drinking “HIGH! HIGH!” temperature beverages! Adorned with some of the finest ‘Teen Mom’ star mugshots ever to grace a county jail, this coffee cup will make you feel better about your own (less-legally-challenged) life! 

Featuring mugshots from Jenelle Evans, Amber Portwood and Ryan Edwards, this “Mug ‘o’ Mugs” makes the most-delightful gift for your coffee lovin’ pals! 

Get your ‘Teen Mom’ Mug ‘o’ Mugshots here! 

“Jesus God Leah” Flip Flops

For your best friend in the holler, why not pick up a pair of these “Jesus God Leah!” flip-flops? This fabulous footwear has tributes to both of Leah Messer’s ex-husbands: from Corey Simms’ infamous “Jesus God Leah” uttering, to Jeremy Calvert’s weapon of choice— slappin’ bacon– they’re the perfect shoes to wear to kick up yer ding-dang heels this holiday season. 

(No joke, The Ashley is actually buying herself these because #SelfCare.) 

Snag yer “Jesus God Leah!” flip-flops here! 

“Smokin’ Reefah with Keefah” Doormat

This beauty of a doormat would look mighty fine on the front stoop of your house, She Shed or meth lab! Let the world know you’re inside smokin’ “the weeeeeeed” wif Keefah and you don’t care who knows it! Everyone will want to be at your home for the holidays if they know you’ve not only got “The Ganja” but Santa Kieffer, too!” 

Buy your “Smokin’ Reefah with Keefah” doormat here! 

 

To see The Ashley’s list of weird ‘Teen Mom’-themed gifts from 2022, click here! To see her 2021 list, click here! 

 

(Photos: MTV; Etsy/KatsTechCreations; LuckyLottoTshirts.com; Etsy/ThePurpleVault; Redbubble/DavidSavage; eBay; Redbubble/Seethella; Etsy/TheMakerMaxine)