It’s been a looong time since The Ashley recapped an episode of Sister Wives. As fans know, Christine was able to step over the pathetic heap of Top Ramen curls, ego and unsightly lip blemishes that is her ex Kody, and move on to marry David. Naturally, because TLC wants to milk this cash cow for all it’s worth, the network was kind enough to do a special all about Christine and David getting hitched.

The Ashley figured she should celebrate by recapping the second part of the Christine & David Wedding Special!

Let’s get this crap going, shall we?

We kick off Part 2 of the wedding special with a recap of Part 1, which show Christine and anti-Kodilocks David preparing in the last days before their wedding. We see Kody and last wife standing Robyn talking about the impending nuptials, which they were not invited to. Kody is clearly trying to hold his tongue so that he looks good but, let’s be honest, with him sporting that ridiculous visor there’s no hope of that happening.

Robyn is trying to keep Kody from opening his big trap and doing even further damage (if that’s even possible) to her dream of sitting on porch chairs with her aging sister wives and gloating about how she and Kody are still doing the horizontal mambo well into their 80s, while her sister wives’ cold and lonely loins have been collecting cobwebs for decades. 

It’s just “rilly” unfair that this will never happen. Dern that dern Christine! 

With that, we get the opening credits, which still (for some reason) include Kody and Robyn. Even ol’ Meri gets her smiling mug into the opener, despite the fact that she appears to have no idea what the hell (or who the hell) Christine’s been doing since she high-tailed her ass outta Flagstaff.

Kody’s smug mug glistens in the sun, knowing that he’s contractually obligated to be part of this special, even if no one wants him there.

Part 2 starts on the wedding day. The stage is set for the ceremony and Christine prepares to put on her dress, which, luckily, fits her much better than the misshapen satin monstrosity she wore on the dark day she married Kody. 

Christine is excited to put on the dress, as her daughters cheer her on. 

Christine is positively giddy with excitement. The idea of marrying a man who shows no affinity for visors and has no other wives is almost too much for her to handle. Meanwhile, David is just chilling, waiting for someone to tell him (and his white Black Flys sunglasses) where to go.

David is hanging out with the assorted husbands of the Brown Family girls. There’s Mykelti‘s husband, Tony “Tacos For 200 People” Padron, and Maddie‘s husband Caleb “I Almost Got a Restraining Order to Keep Kody Away From Me” Brush, advising David how to be a good husband in this family. (Basically, don’t be Kody.) 

The girls have Christine all dressed and ready to get married. Christine looks stunning, and all of her daughters (except for Gwendlyn who did not to attend the wedding because she was too “busy”), plus Janelle‘s daughter Maddie are squealing in delight over Christine’s happiness. 

David’s daughters are preparing to walk him down the aisle at the ceremony. (Thankfully they told him to ditch the FlavorTown sunnies.) 

The music starts and a whole troupe of the couple’s granddaughters head down the aisle, followed by David and Christine’s kids and other family members. 

Christine and Kody’s youngest daughter, Truely, struts the hell out of a black outfit and serves as the ring bearer. 

Finally, Christine appears, and starts walking down the aisle with her only son Paedon. He tells her that David is a good man. 

David looks genuinely thrilled to see his bride.

Christine’s dad takes over and escorts her the final steps of her walk down the aisle. Janelle explains that Christine’s dad, Rex, is still big on polygamy, but he supports Christine’s decision to leave Kody and marry David. 

David gushes about how beautiful Christine looks and Christine absolutely beams. (I guess if I had spent 30 years with a man who kept shaming me publicly on TV for eating nachos one time decades ago, I’d be pretty damn happy to have my man tell me I looked good.) 

David’s son-in-law, Corbin, is the person marrying the couple, and he begins his speech, talking about how great David is, and how he spends his free time plowing driveways for single mothers and whatnot.

All while Christine is making sex eyes at David…

Finally, it’s time for the “I dos.” David promises to embrace Christine’s talents and her flaws. (And presumably not shame her for any nacho-related activities as long as they both shall live.)

David agrees, and then Christine says her “I do” as well.

Truely delivers Christine’s (non-Claddagh) wedding ring and tells her, “You deserve the best, Mother.” 

In a confessional, Christine makes a point to tell us that “all thirteen” of her children are protective of her, intentionally leaving out the five Rob-lets.

They exchange rings and are finally pronounced husband and wife! 

Christine decides to seal the union with a full-on French kiss. She jams her tongue all the way into David’s soul as the audience watches uncomfortably. (Someone please go check on poor Rex.)

Christine and David (and David’s poor blue-balled loins) make their way back down the aisle as the crowd cheers. 

Meanwhile, back on the sad hollowed grounds of Kody and Robyn’s mansion, The Curled One is informing the cameras that Christine doesn’t need his permission to marry another dude.

He then states that he’s only “concerned” for his children and how they’re treated in the relationship with David. 

Um…bro. Now you’re concerned for your children? I’ll give you a lifetime supply of spray mousse if you can legit name all of your children without any help from Robyn. 

Kody says that his kids are now old enough to “be fine” in their dealings with David. 

To Kody’s credit, he admits that he hasn’t really spent enough time with David to judge him. He tells the cameras that he’s only met David once, so it’s hard to answer these questions, which are surely prompted by an over-eager producer. 

As Kody talks, though, Robyn is scrunching her overfilled brows something furious, just waiting to pounce if Kody says something stupid and gets them written off this damn show.

Kody wishes Christine and David happiness, and I think he genuinely means it. It’s weird to see Kody being nice.

Robyn looks relieved, but then Kody starts talking again and you can tell she just knows he’s about to say something dumb.

“I’m just gonna keep talking until the cameras go away,” Kody says finally.

Number One Fan Robyn jumps on it, slopping her lips all over Kody’s to get him to shut up. 

Next, we get to hear from Robyn herself, who tells that things have been “rilly, rilly difficult” for her, watching Christine be happy away from the clutches of her and Kody. 

“It makes me take a step back and wonder, ‘Does plural marriage really work?'” 

No.

The answer is no, Robyn. Plural marriage does not “rilly” work, particularly if the husband spends all his time “intimate marriaging” only one of the wives and treats the other wives like coworkers you see once a week. 

Back at the wedding, Christine could give two craps about “plural marriage.” (She probably never wants to hear that term again.) She’s taking pictures with various family members. Mykelti pulls out her inner “Meri” and starts bossing everyone around and telling David’s family where to stand for group photos. 

Next, some of the Brown girls talk about why they are just saying no to doubling (or tripling) up on a husband.

“I honestly think that polygamy is a terrible idea,” Mykelti says, adding that she feels polygamy wasn’t fair to her parents. “None of them got what they needed out of a marriage.”

“I don’t think polygamy is what anybody deserves,” Mykelti adds. 

From there we watch as Mykelti barks like a dog to encourage Janelle to get into a picture. (Or something…I have no idea what the hell is happening here.) 

Janelle then tells us that it feels “right” to see Christine marry David. She predicts many happy years for the couple. 

“I see them sitting on the porch on rocking chairs, watching their grandkids,” Janelle says of Christine and David.

Oh, Janelle! You rascally lil’ devil, you! You knew exactly what you were doing with that statement….and I am HERE for it!

Janelle does mention that she’d be open to having “any of the other children” (aka the Rob-lets) join their new, revised family. 

“Any of the children who are not here currently would be so welcome,” she says.

They wheel out Meri to randomly pipe in her thoughts. She insists that she’s in a “rilly, rilly good place in her life (now that she’s Kody-less, it’s no surprise!) She says that she knows she will eventually find someone who actually loves her (and isn’t just being nice to her once a year to get Rice Krispies Treats.) She is looking forward to finding love. 

Maybe we’ll be seeing a “Sister Wives: Meri Gets Merri’d” special in 2024? (Meri just announced that she has a boyfriend, so you never know!) 

Back at the wedding reception, the champagne is flowing (no Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice for this crowd of wild ones!) We get to hear the wedding speeches, which are very sweet.

Janelle tells us how nice it is to see Christine be “openly affectionate” with David, given that when she was with (Un)Special K, she rarely even got a peck on the cheek, let alone a deep, open mouth kiss in public.

“It’s kind of like the healing balm on the wound that Kody inflicted,” she says.

Okkkkkk, Janelle is NOT playing today, folks! 

“Kody was telling her, ‘I was never attracted to you, I thought you were always gross, I had to work hard to be with you,’ and I thought, ‘What a s**tty a**hole kind of thing to say to somebody.’ Especially somebody you’ve been with for 30 freaking years and you have six children with!’ It wasn’t cool. It wasn’t true and it wasn’t cool. 

“David has kind of come in and fixed all of that, and she feels loved,” Janelle adds. “She feels seen, she feels attractive. She feels all of the things you should feel with your spouse. It’s kind of come to this nice, happy ending right here.”

Meri comes back to say her own nice things about Christine.

“I think she deserves [a happy ending], especially after the last couple of years, with all of this stuff coming out that Kody has been saying, [about her]” Meri tells us. “She deserves to be happy and have somebody who really loves her.” 

Next, we hear from Kody (whose hairline in this scene is, like everyone else in his life, appears to be running away from him).

He tells us that Christine put “a lot of emotional energy” into finding a soulmate, and it appears that she may have found it in David. Kody actually wishes the couple a wonderful wedding day, which is nice. 

Janelle’s son Gabe tells us that he’s never seen Christine as happy as she is now with David. 

“That’s no slight to my dad,” he insists. “I think they really tried and he gave it a hard go, and they really did love each other.”

Next, Meri tells us that the Brown Family really shines at weddings, when it comes to getting down with their bad selves on the dance floor.

Kody even admits that he’s sad to have missed the “Brown Family Moshpit” and wedding dancefloor tear-up. Kody seems to wish that he could have been out there, curled ponytail flyin’ and crazy feet flappin’ with the rest of the family.

Then he remembers that the rest of the family pretty much hates him so…yeah.

Robyn then tells us that Kody is always trying to get her to go out and kick up her heels at a dance club, but she’s not into it. She says she’s tired of being “the pole” while Kody dances around her. 

That’s a visual I didn’t need, but thanks, Robyn.

Robyn, never one to have the spotlight (or eyebrow pencil) stolen from her, says she would be willing to dance with Kody, but only if they take a dance class together so he can learn to how to be a good (dance) partner.

Back at the wedding, to Christine’s absolute delight, a flash mob emerges on her dance floor. Now, anyone who has watched ‘Sister Wives’ since the Las Vegas “Wetbar” Days knows that Christine loves herself a damn flash mob! This time, however, we are not subjected to watching Kody, Meri and Robyn all shake their groove things as part of it.

Christine is over the moon that her wedding guests have done this for her. David looks confused…and honestly a little scared, probably realizing his life is soon going to include more choreographed dances than any man’s life should. 

Next, Christine and David cut their three cakes, and Christine puts cake into David’s mouth and then is seemingly trying to get it back out….using her tongue. Glorious. No wonder ol’ Kod-dud didn’t want an “intimate marriage” with Christine– this gal is a vixen and no amount of lil blue pills would have helped him keep up! 

Everyone starts dancing and Christine throws the bouquet, which is caught by David’s sister. The sister is absolutely thrilled and is clearly hoping to soon get herself a man who lets her fish wedding cake out of his mouth, too. 

Gabe and Savannah come back on to talk about how much fun the wedding was.

“For the first time in a long time, it felt like the real Brown family was back,” Gabe says.

“Everyone was there, and it made me feel very complete because we had our family back together,” Gabe adds, driving the knife into Kody’s Robyn’s kidneys just a little bit deeper. “Everyone was so happy to be around family again. That’s something we haven’t had in a really long time.” 

Next, they bring out a chair and sit David down in the middle of the dance floor. Jared, David’s friend, comes over and does a sexy-time lap dance on the poor groom. After that, Christine decides to take a turn, and legit hops on this man and starts dry-humping the BeJesus outta him…in front of a group of wide-eyed kids.

After Christine is down rubbing her nethers on David, he looks like he’s about to have a stroke. This poor dude then has to get up in front of all his friends and act like he’s fine. Someone toss him a book or something for his lap.

“It was hard to believe that [Christine] was raised religious for so many years because that was…um…I think they kind of forgot people were there,” David’s son-in-law Corbin tells the cameras. 

Janelle is honest and tells us that she and her kids were weirded out by Christine’s “Showgirls”-style dance moves. But, Janelle being Janelle is just like, “Eh, whatever floats your boat, as long as I don’t have to do it.” 

Christine tells us that her wedding to Kody was very different from her and David’s wedding. It was very “quiet” and only had immediate family in attendance. 

“In our church, the plural weddings just aren’t celebrated,” she says.

Janelle’s son Hunter tells us that he’s so happy to see Christine get the fairy tale wedding she’s always wanted. He also notes that, “you see how many people were at Christine and David’s wedding, and you can see how loved they really are.” 

Christine and David describe their wedding as “a dream come true.” 

“I was single for so many years and it’s awesome to have you,” David– a widower– tells Christine.

“I was sharing for so many years and it’s awesome to have you, too,” Christine tells him.

David and Christine bid farewell to their wedding guests as they head off to start their honeymoon.

To read more of The Ashley’s ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: TLC)