Well, here we are again…

It’s once again time for us to drag our sad selves over to the TV box and sit slack-jawed for an hour while we watch our gang of MTV pals tackle life’s biggest problems: how to keep your Fashion Nova frock from tearing open while you’re twerking, or how to slaughter your relationship in the name of an MTV paycheck!

We kick this episode of Teen Mom Family Reunion with a recap of what happened on the first episode of this crapfest. As you may remember, the gang arrived in Colombia, where they plan to do “couples therapy” and annihilate the Spanish language on the regular. Cory came into the house bringing “a lot of energy” (i.e. a gallon of booze and a mission to mortify his wife girlfriend Taylor Selfridge).

Tyler bragged about Catelynn being his madam and posting his dicky pickies on The Interwebs for pool-building money. And…Maci and Taylor drank. A lot. As per usual.

We pick up where we left off last time, with Jade and Cheyenne announcing that they have some “special guests” ready to come out.

For the love of the Baby Jesus God Leah, please tell me that behind those brightly colored doors stand Jenelle Evans, Farrah Abraham and Amber Portwood. The Ashley thinks she speaks for everyone who is still watching this show (all 10 of us) when she says we want those three alone in this house ripping the ever-loving BeJesus outta each other.

(Oh, and please let Barbara Evans and Debz OG be there, offering commentary on the beat-downs. Oh…and maybe throw in the Beavers from Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant. Please and thank you.) 

Unfortunately for us, it’s not our Barb and a pleather-panted Debz standing there. It’s just some relationship “coaches” (one of whom is wearing some horribly ill-fitting pants.)

Jade explains that they gave ol’ Coach B the boot in favor of two new “experts.” (Maybe Coach B wasn’t down to live at this Ken Dojo Mojo Casa ‘o’ Crap?) The coaches will be there to guide the couples through their problems— whether they be alcohol- or OnlyFans-induced.

First, there’s Dr. Mike, who used to appear on VH-1‘s Couples Therapy. He worked with Cate and Ty during their appearance on that show years ago. He also managed to snag a guest appearance on Teen Mom: The Next Chapter a season or so ago. 

Maci says she’s just relieved it’s “coaches” and not Farrah, Ashley or Jenelle coming to stir up trouble in their liquor-filled love lair. 

Dr. Mike introduces his co-coach, Michaiah, who tells the group that she’s a “relationship expert.” 

Taylor says she’s excited to see what the coaches say about her and Cory’s relationship, and admits that they really need a lot of help.

(Also, because there are two Taylors on this Porta-Potty-of-a-show, The Ashley will be referring to Cory’s girlfriend as “Taylor,” and Maci’s husband as “Beer Taylor,” to help with any confusion.) 

Dr. Mike says he works to heal past childhood and relationship traumas. (The Ashley is wondering how many therapy horses MTV paid to fly out to Colombia?) Michaiah says she helps couples in the “here and now” figure out why they’re such trainwrecks.

“We want to be sure that you can leave here as masters of your relationship!” she tells the couples. 

The coaches inform the group that they have to go do their first “healing” thingy right now, which means they have to put their drinks down. The gang is not thrilled, but they do what they’re told.

They lead the group to a big sandbox surrounded by pink X’s. The coaches inform the gang that they’ll have to dig— as a couple— where an X is to find “proverbial buried treasure.”

Some of the couples look downright worried.

Cheyenne, of course, is not happy that she will have to do anything that even resembles actually labor. She says she’s tired, and just got her nails done, and that she’s not down to risk her stiletto-shaped full set in the name of love…and dumb reality TV.

Dr. Mike then instructs the group to take their “treasure” and put it in the center and, as a group, figure out how to put it together.

Well, Doc– you have the right people for the job! If these people can figure out how to take an unplanned teenage pregnancy and turn it into a nearly two-decades-long “career,” they can do anything! 

Cory, determined to be even a bigger a-hole than he was last episode, stands over Taylor as she digs and cheers her on, telling her that if she “loves” him, she’ll dig faster.

W…T….F.

Why do I feel like Cory’s going to end up neck-deep in wet Colombian sand by the time this exercise is done? And RIGHTFULLY SO.

Even Cheyenne comments on Cory, um, “coaching” Taylor. She is probably thanking her lucky fallopian tube that she only had one child with this ego maniac and is not tied to him like poor Taylor is. 

Catelynn and Tyler are the first couple to remove whatever body bag was buried in the sand. (Please say it’s Butch and/or April, here to spice this mess up!) Sadly (for us), it’s just a bag of puzzle pieces. Some of the other couples unearth their puzzle pieces and the group starts trying to put the giant heart puzzle together. 

Maci takes charge, yelling at everyone and instructing them how to put the puzzle together. With her strategy, they put the puzzle together quickly. 

And then they do this…

The coaches release the cast to go dig the sand out of their crotchities and rest up for the night. 

The next morning, Tyler is amazed that he doesn’t have three Not-Carlys hanging on him. He says that he is the one who gets the Not-Carlys up and off to school (while Catelynn…does whatever it is she does?) He goes to sit on the beach and decides he needs to learn Spanish.

Tyler learns the word for “get up” and goes to practice it on a sleeping Catelynn.

Catelynn tells Tyler to leave her alone. 

“Here comes my husband, screaming random Spanish words at me!” Catelynn complains.

Meanwhile, Beer Taylor wakes up Maci (mimosa in hand, natch) by bringing her breakfast in bed. She also instructs him to leave her alone. 

Once everyone has, um, “levantated,” Maci tells us that she would like for her and Beer Taylor to learn how to prioritize each other. 

Cory and Taylor have a session with Michaiah in the morning, so they head to the therapy room. Taylor tells us she has a lot she wants to “get off her chest” about her relationship. 

Taylor is told to go first. She tells them that she has anxiety, and that Cory being a loud drunken lush just makes it worse. Cory admits he has “anger issues” and then proceeds to hijack the entire conversation from Taylor, telling Michaiah that he has issues from childhood, given that his dad was in jail his whole life. 

Taylor’s just sitting there, amazed she even got two minutes to talk. 

Surprisingly, Michaiah doesn’t call Cory out for taking over Taylor’s time. Instead, she tells them how they need to figure out their own relationship dynamic.

Next, they tell Michaiah about how they met on Ex on the Beach. Cory brags that he knew he could bag Taylor before she even arrived on the show.

Lovely.

Taylor says that their relationship was full of breakups in the beginning, mostly because Cory “wanted to be single.” Cory admits that he’s “not great with commitment,” but he appreciates the fact that Taylor is loyal and wouldn’t ever hump some dude behind his back.

Taylor admits that she worries that Cory will cheat on her, since she knows he has had a hard time keeping his ding-a-ling in his pants in the past. Taylor admits that Cory cheated on her six years ago, but not since.

Taylor says she doesn’t trust Cory when he drinks, and she doesn’t like the way he acts when he’s boozing. She also dislikes his friends who have a habit of seeking the company of strippers.

Cory defends his action, stating that he “always comes home” to Taylor after his nights of debauchery. (Um…thanks?) Taylor says that, while Cory may come home, he comes homes belligerent and barely coherent. Because of this, she thinks Cory may be so drunk that he may not even know that he’s putting his ding-dong in some random bar girl’s um, ho-ho.

Cory says that he knows it hurts Taylor when he goes out with his drunken barnacle friends and puts dollars into strippers’ G-strings; however, he just doesn’t know how to change that!

Um…

“I always feel like I have to keep my wings down when I’m with you,” Cory tells Taylor. “I’m like a damn butterfly!” 

UM…!?!?

Taylor, girl. Consider it a BLESSING that this man hasn’t given you a wedding ring yet and RUN your butt away from this mess!

Taylor says that, since becoming a mom, she’s had to grow up and stop acting like…well, Cory. He then starts doing one of his random “Instagram Reel” speeches, telling Taylor that if she wants to be exceptional she needs to do exceptional things.

At this point, even Michaiah is like, “Um…sir, excuse me what?” She straight-out asks Cory what about Taylor being a mother isn’t “exceptional.” She tells Cory that he sounds like a real prick because he’s basically telling Taylor that “mom-ing” isn’t as “exceptional” as his habit of going on The Challenge (and losing) on the regular. 

Taylor admits that it hurts her when Cory acts like she’s not doing anything of value BY TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS. He promises to “work on it.” 

The session ends with Taylor telling us she is happy that she is finally being “heard” by someone. She hopes that this trip will help her figure out what the problems are in her relationship with Cory. 

That night, the group gets dressed up (i.e. wears frocks that are meant to be bathing suit covers as their clubwear), and heads downtown in style via a “Chiva” Colombian-style party bus. 

The gang loads in and soon they are doing shots, screaming for no reason and spinning around the stripper pole. Jade (who surely had to yell at Tyler to let her have a turn), whirls around the pole, even doing some butt claps for the group, as Sean hoots and hollers, cheering “That’s my fiancé!” 

AS.YOU.DO.

Tyler is mad when he gets glitter confetti in his White Claw can. (Don’t ya hate when that happens?!)

“I’m gonna s**t out sparkles later!” he cries.”

Everyone is partying like it’s Spring Break 2013. Hell, even Maci and Beer Taylor are kissing so you know that the liquor’s running strong through that party bus. 

“We’re ready to party!” Maci tells us. 

By the time they arrive at the destination, Cory’s shirt has progressively become more unbuttoned. Everyone is nervous about what the coaches have planned for them. They are not thrilled when they find out that they’re not walking into a “banger” or a club. Instead, it will be another workshop.

(Why the hell are the coaches getting these people full of booze and then expecting them to have serious convos about their relationships?! WTF.) 

Jade is sad that there will be no more cha-cha-ing or butt-clapping in her future that night.

The group sits on some pillows on the floor and are informed that the coaches plan to make them “moan.”

The Ashley will need a large trashbag for my impeding upchucks, please.

Dr. Mike says he will teach the gang how to breathe and moan their way back to a good sex life. 

Not everyone is into the idea. Taylor looks mortified, and Sean looks annoyed.

“This is f**king stupid!” he pouts. (The Ashley would like to go on record and say she agrees with Mr. Man Bangs. This sounds so cringe.) 

“It’s about improving our sex lives, and I’m glad that we’re doing this because it’s something that we need to work on,” Taylor tells us. 

Ouch.

Jade is upset that Sean is not willing to “moan” in front of two experts, a bunch of fame-hungry reality stars and all the viewers of this show. (Luckily for Sean, there aren’t too  many people in that that last group.) 

Sean says he doesn’t want his mother watching him participate in the “moaning” festivities, and everyone is aware that he’s super-uncomfortable. (Luckily, most of these people lost the respect of their parents years ago so they’re not concerned.) 

“This sounds like a bunch of goddamm mumbo jumbo to me!” Sean protests. “I’m not open-minded and I don’t want to be here.”

Well, that makes two of us, Seanny! 

“Moaning is not very ideal for me in a group setting,” Sean says very matter-of-factly. 

Y’all, I CAN’T…

They start with the exercise and Sean agrees to try, but after two minutes just tells Jade, “I’m drunk and I don’t want to be here.” 

Jade is mad that Sean won’t stop complaining and talking about how sweaty he is. The couples are supposed to be staring into each other’s eyes (creepily), but Sean would clearly rather be staring into a bottle of Jose Cuervo than do this dumb crap.

Finally, he starts spouting little factoids about his and Jade’s sex life…or lack thereof.

“We’re having a group meeting about sex when we don’t have it!” he tells her. “It’s weird!” 

The exercise obviously had a different effect on some of the other couples. Poor Zach has pitched a tent, right there in the moaning room, and Chey makes sure to announce it to the group. 

Jade tells the group that she and Sean feel inferior to the other couples, who all seem so perfect. They assure her that they’re all hot messes.

Next the girls are instructed to straddle their men. Cory, obviously, takes yet another opportunity to embarrass Taylor (and himself).

They tell the gang to breathe in, and let the breath out as a moan. They try again, and Catelynn lets out a sound that is a cross between sexual gratification and the birthing of another Not-Carly. 

I am horrified guys. 

The coaches explain that if you moan from your belly, rather than your chest, you will experience more pleasure…or something. I don’t know. I am still reliving Catelynn’s “moan” sound in my head over and over. 

Send a therapy horse, please!

Next, they go around and talk about how often they have sex. Tyler and Catelynn say they have sex almost every day, which impresses everyone. Maci says she aspires to have sex every day, too. 

Cory says he and Taylor have rushed sex twice a week. Jade, meanwhile, confesses that, for the last six months, she’s been “holding out” on Sean in the sex department because she’s scared to get pregnant.

Sean says he wasn’t aware of the reason Jade was saying no to sex, so he’s happy she is finally being honest. 

That ends the workshop, and the gang retreats back to the house.

While Maci and Beer Taylor are getting their “moan” on, Jade and Sean are not so lucky. Jade hears from her realtor, who tells her that her house has not sold like she thought it had. She’s also still mad that Sean was making snarky remarks during the workshop about their sexless life. 

The conversation ends in a fight, with Sean storming out to go moan on his own.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion!’

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)