Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s time once again to check in with MTV‘s favorite over-30 breeders and their assorted husbands/boyfriends/baby daddies/guys who impregnanted them minutes into their relationships! The Ashley is aware that she skipped recapping last week’s crapisode of Teen Mom Family Reunion, but the fact that she’s sitting through this toxic-waste-in-TV-form show at all for y’all should be commended!

We start this episode off by catching up with what we missed last episode: Jade has partied herself into a chest wheeze, while Zach has finally called Cheyenne out for being controlling and disrespectful to him. Kayla and her boyfriend Ryan finally decided they should talk about the fact that Kayla’s carrying Ryan’s Oopsie Baby.

Super.

Back at Casa de Unemployed, Kayla and Ryan are still in their private session with Dr. Mike. He is legit informing them that they currently have three choices when it comes to what to do with their Oopsie Baby: termination, adoption or parenting.

Kayla can’t stop rolling her eyes. Ryan straight-out just says he doesn’t want to have the kid. (Let’s save a copy of this episode for the baby’s scrapbook! How delightful!) 

Kayla is confused by this statement, given that, back in the ‘Young & Pregnant’ days when she was knocked up with her first kid, Ryan was hopeful that he was her son’s father. (As we know, though, it was determined that Kayla’s son was actually fathered by Stephen “I’m Gonna Grind For My Son” Alexander.) 

Now that Kayla is knocked up with Ryan’s Oopsie Baby, though, he’s singing a new tune (“18 years…18 years…) and Kayla doesn’t understand why.

Dr. Mike gives the couple a “homework assignment” to complete by the time they leave Casa de Unemployed: decide whether or not to have their Oopise Baby.

ONLY ON ‘TEEN MOM’ Y’ALL! 

This kind of scenario could only happen on a ‘Teen Mom’ show…or maybe Maury. 

Kayla and Ryan leave the session, vowing to communicate more about the fact that KAYLA LITERALLY HAS RYAN’S SPAWN GROWING INSIDE OF HER.

I think that’s nice…

Meanwhile, Jade is on the phone with Briana. In this “totally not set up at all” convo, Jade “invites” Bri to come to the retreat, even though she’s currently sans boyfriend.

Um…stop. Not MTV trying to make it seem like Bri’s not already in Colombia, just standing at the door to Casa de Unemployed with her face pressed up against the window going “Open, open!” 

Jade promises to make Briana feel comfortable and not like a third wheel. 

Over in the pool, Madame Cate is pumping the other couples about whether or not they plan to have more kids. Cheyenne and Zach are clearly uncomfortable answering but Cate keeps peppering them with questions until they reveal that they’re on different pages when it comes to future baby-making.

After the boys run around playing hide-and-seek with squirt guns (#AsYouDo), Mackenzie and Khessy announce that they are going to host a family cooking night. She explains that the boys will fetch the ingredients while the girls go to a “fishmonger.” 

Everyone looks like they’d rather spend the night in a Porta-Potty baking out in the hot Colombian sun. 

The troupes pile into separate buses and head into the jungles of Colombia to experience “real” culture…and stuff. 

Mack explains that she enjoys seeing how the locals live…and stuff…and that she is glad they can try to fit into it.

Mackenzie announces that she has to pee like a racehorse, so she starts sprinting out of the van and makes a beeline for the outhouse…where she finds a bucket to pee in.

She then proceeds to pee in it, then grab the bucket and bring it over to the other girls to show them.

(Maybe she heard about Catelynn’s peeing-in-Tupperware antics and wanted to get her approval for a job well done? I have no freaking clue why she’s chasing these poor girls around with a bucket ‘o’ pee.) 

The other girls are disgusting (and somewhat confused) as to why Mack is presenting her pee to them. She has no clue where to toss her piss.

“Do you have to come show me your pee!?” Cheyenne asks the cameras during a confessional. 

Mack tosses her bucket of pee into a bush, just as the fishmonger arrives. The girls– especially a (piss-covered) Mackenzie and Madame Cate– start swooning over the “cute Colombian dude.”

The fish guy starts yammering away in Spanish, as the girls look confused. Jade speaks some Spanish, but the rest have no clue if the guy is talking about dinner or the lingering smell of urine coming from Mackenzie.

Meanwhile, the guys arrive at the market. Cory looks around to see which locals he can corner to talk about his ‘Challenge’ days, while Zach looks creeped out. Khessy feels comfortable, because this market is similar to ones in Jamaica, where he’s from. He even tells the guys about a fruit that helps make their wing-wangers stand at attention.

I think that’s nice…

The girls are told that they will have to gut and scale some fish. Cheyenne looks like she’s about to gut and scale Mackenzie for making her come on this “adventure” when she could be sunning and slurping tequila by the pool.

Mack convinces Catelynn to scale a fish, while Kayla and Jade and the rest of the clan stand back and seemingly try to figure out if they’re contractually obligated to rip a tilapia’s guts out.

Soon, the whole gang is home and smelling like hillbilly urine, fish scales and sweaty marketplace. They all vow to wash the stank off of them before they start cooking. Chey and Zach meet with Coach Michaiah to discuss their fight the previous night. Zach says that he wants to have another kid, preferably a girl so he can “see the girl side of me.”

Cheyenne is not interested in having a third child; however, she says that if Zach “shows up” in different ways, she might let him sperminate her again so that his dream of having the Female Spawn of Zach could become a reality. 

One of those “ways” is for Zach to get a job. Like, an actual job…with benefits…that doesn’t involve doing tequila shots with Cory. 

Zach shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He looks to be contemplating telling his wife that he, unfortunately, has no actual skills that would get him an actual job with benefits.

Chey mentions that Zach occasionally comes down to her family’s business and works, although his energy level varies. 

#WorkingIsHard…andStuff.

Michaiah’s like, “Um…so what’s stopping you from getting a job then, Zach?”

Zach says that he’s stopping it from happening. Zach says he hasn’t found something he’s passionate about doing, so he’s just trying to figure it out. (Apparently he can’t stock shelves at Target or work at Taco Bell while he’s waiting to find that passion? Maybe he’ll find that passion becoming a Taco Bell Team Leader?) 

Cheyenne says Zach gets sad that they have to put everything in her name because his credit isn’t great. (Go figure.)  She says that oftentimes, she’s working (surely planning her mother’s uncle’s dog’s Sweet 16 party or something), while also trying to get the kids up and ready, while Zach sits there like an unemployed bump on a log.

Coach Michaiah wants to know why the hell Zach isn’t helping Cheyenne if he’s currently sans employment. He says he’s up late, thinking, which makes it hard for him to get up early.

You guys…I can’t….

Michaiah (who is clearly holding her tongue here) advises Cheyenne to be less demanding and ask Zach for help so he can preserve his masculinity. 

SERIOUSLY?! 

Or, you know, Zach could be a man (or actually just an adult) and get a job and help his wife. 

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Casa de Unemployed, a drunken Cory is peeing in a plant. (As you do)…

He then regales us with the tale of the last time he was in Cartagena (for…you guessed it!…’The Challenge!’) He says he had to eat the head of a giant water rat for a challenge… and then we get to see Cory gnaw it and then throw it up. 

I never thought I’d long for the episode with the lingerie party but here we are. This episode is full of pee and vomit and I’m not here for it.

Soon, everyone is eating the family dinner (and talking with their mouths full, for some reason). 

After dinner, everyone is sitting around when Kayla gets a phone call from her mother, who is very upset. Kayla finally gets her to tell her what’s wrong and Kayla’s mom informs her that Ryan is cheating on her.

DUN! DUN! DUN!

Ryan sits there with a stupid look on his face and has no idea that Kayla’s mom is telling her that he’s been boinking behind Kayla’s back. She informs Kayla that a girl on a ‘Teen Mom’ fanpage is/was dating Ryan at the same time Kayla was seeing (and getting knocked up by) him. Kayla is shocked. She asks Jade to come to the bathroom and take her mic off. 

Kayla tells us that this situation is familiar to her, as her other baby daddy, Luke, cheated on her when she was pregnant with their child, too. 

Jade and Kayla take their mics off and go hide in the bathroom.

Ryan strolls over to the bathroom hideout, totally unaware that his inability to keep it in his pants (allegedly) is the cause of this whole scene. Kayla tells him what her mom said, and Ryan insists that this other woman just “wants to be famous.”

Oh yes. If your legacy is that you were sleeping with a ‘Teen Mom’ star’s third baby daddy at the same time she was, your life may just be sadder than The Ashley’s.

Ryan then explains to us that, a few months ago, he was “entertaining” another woman.

I can NOT with this loser, you guys. Any time a man uses an unusually big word to explain something, you know he’s LYING! 

Ryan explains that he and Kayla were going through “problems” so he was “entertaining” this girl, who kept reaching out.

Kayla says Ryan told her he took this broad out to dinner— but they didn’t have sex. But he did kiss her.

UMMMM!?

Kayla says the girl is claiming that she and Ryan have been dating for seven months…which is almost as long as Kayla and Ryan have been dating. Kayla tells Jade that, at the time Ryan was “entertaining” this girl at dinner, she and Ryan were kind of split up. 

Jade’s mind is blown.

“Just because you’re not getting along, that don’t mean take some bitch out to eat!” she tells Kayla. 

Jade suspects that what this girl is saying about Ryan “entertaining” her is at least partly true. 

Kayla says she’s sad that this whole “he cheated on me for months while I’m pregnant with his baby” thing may take away from them improving their relationship, the reason they came on this stupid show.

UM?!?!? Ya think!?

Later, the girls confront Ryan to get more information. He swears that he’s no longer “entertaining” this female, and that the girl is just mad that she got cut off from his trouser snake now that he’s “committed” to Kayla.

Sure, Jan.

He admits that what he did was “technically cheating” and Jade looks like she’s about to sink her Lee Press-On Nails into this man’s face.

Ryan convinces Kayla to talk to him, so they first chit-chat about the weather…naturally.

Kayla asks him if he has had sex with the girl while they were together. Ryan stares off for a moment before uttering, “No. It’s like, no.” 

No one is buying Ryan’s statement, not even Kayla.

“We can work through it. Don’t worry about what’s on your phone,” Ryan insists.

UM!?! The gaslighting is real y’all.

Jade is trying to listen in to hear what kind of ridiculous lies Ryan is trying to tell Kayla.

Kayla says she doesn’t want to go home and find out that Ryan’s continuing to “entertain” women, even though she’s having his baby. However, she seems to forgive him.

“I’m not sure I can trust him, but I’m choosing to believe that he’s telling the truth,” she tells us.

Sure, Jan…

That’s all for this episode!

To catch up on more of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)