Welcome back to another episode of “As The Dumpster Burns.”

Oh… I mean Teen Mom Family Reunion.

It’s once again time to check in with our girls to see what’s new in their dumpster fire lives: who’s fighting with their man, who’s fighting with their cast mates and who’s fighting for their damn lives while being forced to do dumb activities in the Colombian heat!  

It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley checked in on our employment-challenged ‘Teen Mom’ pals. Last episode, Briana was apparently prowling the Colombian nightclub bathroom stalls for her next baby daddy. Mackenzie was wearing some sort of Powderpuff-Girl-Meets-Fright-Night wig while rubbing (pleather-coated) uglies with Colombian male strippers (as you do).

Meanwhile, Taylor was getting a case of the jealousies when she sees Jade getting all the attention for her bachelorette party, because it reminded her that her man, Cory “Catch Me On The Challenge” Wharton, was unable unwilling to commit to holy matrimony with her, despite her having bore him two children (and having to put up with his absolutely cringe behavior for more than six years.)

That brings us to the start of this episode. We pick off where we left off— post-Bachelorette party, with Taylor and Cory talking to some of the other inhabitants of Casa de Unemployed about how Taylor is tired of crapping out Cory spawn every few years without an engagement ring on her finger.

Bri explains to a sauced-looking Cory that being Cory’s “baby mama” just isn’t cutting it anymore and she (for some God-forsaken reason) wants to call that man her husband.

Think it over, Taylor. I mean…have you met Cory?

Cory keeps insisting that “when the time is right, the time is right” and he’ll propose. Taylor says she’s tired of having to make excuses for why Cory won’t marry her. She starts to get emotional and leaves the table. Cory just sits there.

 He’s as useless as an O’Doul’s to Beer Taylor and Maci, I swear…

Finally, Briana demands that Cory go to his woman, so Cory gets up, slurring and sloshing about how he can’t even get lit anymore (or something).

Cory tells us that he’s used to Taylor pressuring him to make her an honest woman. He’s only upset because his awesome night of drinking was “ruined” this time. He wobbles to their room, where Taylor has already thrown a cloth over their room’s camera. She is not playing.

Cory asks her what’s wrong, and Taylor is in tears, telling her baby daddy x2 that it’s hard for her to see all of these other guys ready to commit to their woman, but Cory refuses.

Jade, Zach and Cheyenne are listening at the door, and Chey tells us that she and Zach stuck their designer-shoe-covered-feet in their mouths by getting involved in Taylor and Cory’s relationship issues. Since Chey also has a Cory spawn, she has to co-parent with him, which might make for some awkward kiddie birthday parties for them, should Cory and Taylor’s relationship go south.

Zach says that proposing is a touchy subject for most couples.

Since Taylor covered the room camera, we don’t have the ability to see what’s happening inside their room. (However, I’m almost certain it’s just Taylor crying as Cory drools/mumbles about how “this s**t would never happen on ‘The Challenge.’”)

We do, however, get to hear the audio of Taylor and Cory’s conversation. She tells Cory that all the other dudes in the house are committed to their women, even the ones who have been together less time. She says she’s not about to wait around for another five years before Cory wanders into that Kay Jewelers and buys mooches an engagement ring as part of a promo deal.

Cory insists that it won’t take another five years.

Taylor— who has had some nips of the cooking sherry herself— slurs that she feels embarrassed to go to the grocery store with a cart-full of kids and no engagement ring.

Then, Cory does something stupid (even by Cory standards.) He offers to buy Taylor a promise ring in lieu of an engagement ring.

A promise ring

A PROMISE RING?!

Not surprisingly, Taylor is not thrilled with the suggestion.

“What am I, 16?!” she says, later telling the cameras. “If he gives me a promise ring, I promise to throw it in the garbage.”

Cory, still inebriated with his night-long tango with Jose Cuervo, drunkenly asks Taylor what he can give her to show that he’s committed.

Taylor suggests he give her A RING.

Cory still appears dumbfounded that the mother of his two kids/his girlfriend of six years wants to get married. (Does anyone else feel like this is a control thing and Cory just doesn’t want to be told what to do? Lord knows he doesn’t have to worry about protecting his ‘Challenge’ winnings in the event of a divorce or anything.)

Cory then complains that Taylor doesn’t tell him that she loves him often enough.

UMMM!?!??

The next morning, Tyler is once again annoying everyone with his Spanish word of the day. Catelynn seems particularly aggravated as Tyler is “me gusta”-ing all over the place before anyone has had enough caffeine to deal with him.

Meanwhile, everyone is talking about the drunken mess that was Cory and Taylor the night before. The gang fills in Tyler– who did not participate in the night’s activities– on what was said. He argues that Taylor shouldn’t be pressuring Cory to propose because getting a proposal from a man who feels obligated to produce a storyline get engaged isn’t something Taylor should want. 

Leah pipes in and offers that six years is a looong time.

Just then, Coach Michaiah arrives. (I swear I heard a few people audibly groan as she entered in yet another pair of ill-fitting pants.) 

Cory tells us that he called Coach Michaiah to help him convince Taylor that she should wear the title of “Cory’s Baby Mama” as a badge of honor. 

Cory will be seeing Coach Michaiah solo today, to find out why he’s so reluctant to make Taylor his wife. Once in the session, Cory reveals that he has plans for his proposal in his head— where and how he wants to pop the question to Taylor. However, he can’t make himself actually do it. 

Cory says the idea of banging being with only one woman for the rest of scares him, since he’s never seen an example of a healthy marriage around him.

“My dad, he has five baby mamas,” Cory says.

Ummm…I’m sorry what? How is this something that has glossed over thus far? This is Teen Mom for Jesus God Leah’s sakes! Can we get Cory’s dad (and his baby mommiii) on this Porta-John of a show!? I’d much rather watch his antics than Cory’s! 

Cory then reveals that his dad was “locked up” a lot when Cory was growing up. (So…um…any chance we can get Butch on board and create some sort of “Felony Fathers”-type spinoff?) 

Cory also says that Taylor is not loving him the way he wants to be loved.

No, you didn’t read that incorrectly. Cory said that about Taylor— the girl who has put up with Cory’s bullhead-wearin’, tequila-sluggin’, constant ‘Challenge’ talkin,’ non-marryin’ ways for over six years. 

Cory says they need to call up a babysitter so he and Taylor can go out and “have that fun” before he can propose. He wants to feel “puppy love” with Taylor again and have fun and adventure with her.

Um…probably don’t have three kids then, bro…Just sayin’…

He says he doesn’t want to marry Taylor if she just acts like his “teammate.” He seems to want to go back to the days where Taylor wasn’t his kids’ mom and, instead, was some broad he’d bop after a night of tequila shots on a terrible MTV show.

Cory is excited when Coach Michaiah figures out that Cory doesn’t want to be tied (via Robbins Brothers engagement ring) to a girl who just wants to stay home and take care of their kids instead of wildin’ out on TV and telling him how wonderful he is.

Lovely. 

Coach Michaiah reminds Cory that marriage means being OK with the boring and dry parts of life. She also tells him that life as parents isn’t always banging on the beach and “Hall-Brawling” and whatnot. She tells Cory that he better figure it out and quick, because Taylor is about one more drunken night away from saying “Peace out!” 

After the session, Cory swaggers over to Taylor to talk. She is encouraged to hear that Cory is making progress.

Elsewhere in Casa de Unemployed, the single ladies– Leah, Briana and Kiaya– decide to go out without the couples to hopefully get “thrusted” on again.

I think that’s nice…

A lizard ends up on Khessi’s shoulder, prompting Mackenzie to proudly show the others a photo of her oldest son, Gannon, with lizards hanging from his nipples.

AS. YOU. DO.

Tyler, always eager to get a convo going about nipples, then brings up that his own nips are “bruised” at the moment, thanks to Kayla’s baby daddy Ryan, who apparently won’t leave Ty’s “chesticles” alone. Tyler claims that Ryan will just randomly come up to the guys and squeeze their nips (while staring strangely into their eyes.)

Sean, too, admits he’s been a victim of the tit-twistin’ tornado that is Ryan.

“It’s weird!” Ty insists.

“If Ryan paid half as much attention to his girl as he does our nipples, he wouldn’t have this many relationship problems,” Tyler tells the cameras.

(Score one point for Ty and his bruised nips!) 

The Ashley will agree that there was something very…off about Ryan, even before it was revealed that he likes to nipple-play with unwilling men he just met. Kayla sure knows how to pick some weird dudes.

Later that night, Dr. Mike enters Casa de Unemployed and tells the crew that they’re having a workshop upstairs. Bri is excited because she says she came to Colombia to become a better person (and/or get thrusted on by random club men). 

Dr. Mike then introduces the group to the “trauma tree.” He asks them to take a piece of paper shaped like a fruit and write down what they need to work on in relationships. Everyone focuses on the task.

Interestingly, Cory and Taylor both choose “having quality time.” 

Briana chooses “daddy issues” and says that she lets men into her life who shouldn’t be there.

Next, Dr. Mike instructs them to write about a formative thing from their childhoods to represent the “roots” of their tree of life. Or something…I dunno.

Several people open about traumatic childhood events, family deaths and other non-funny things so we’re just going to skip right along…

After the session, the single girls– Leah, Briana and Kiaya— go out to see about getting “thursted on.” 

After some bus twerking, bootie slapping and taking some “middle finger” photos like it’s 2005 and you’re trying to get a new profile pic for MySpace, the girls arrive at “da club.” 

The girls are excited to dive in and meet some men— and drink their weight in alcohol. They immediately head to the bar and order a round of tequila shots. After that, they look around for some dudes to rub uglies with on the dancefloor and/or the bathroom stall.

Leah informs the group that she has been celibate for the past year. She hasn’t had any, um, “snakes” in her “lady garden” because she is trying to practice “self control,” something she failed to do when she was younger, resulting in her being 30 with three kids and two divorces under her belt. 

“There’s times when I said, ‘I shouldn’t have a kid with this person’ but I did!” Leah tells them in what may be the most “Teen Mom” statement of the season thus far.

Briana, meanwhile, says she just likes to get her freak on, regardless of the circumstances.

Next, the girls go breathe their tequila breath on some locals who are dancing off to the side of the bar. Soon, they’re all up in some randos’ crotches getting their dance on. They each pick a guy they want to “get to know better.” Briana chooses “Jonathan with the fat-ass muscles” while Leah goes for Frank “Looks like Jesus.” Jonathan speaks no English so they resort to Google Translate to try to communicate. 

Girl, we all know this is gonna end up with you two naked and in need of a round of Penicillin. Let’s just get to the sex, OK? 

They decide to load up their men and bring them back to Casa de Unemployed, where they can drink, frolic and get freaky at their own leisure.

They storm in the house like a bunch of banshees, screaming and making sure all of the couples know that they are “30, flirty and thriving”…and about to get some Colombian man-meat.

They quickly get these poor men some shots (liquor, not anti-biotics…yet) and hoot that the party is just beginning. Briana legit demands that the men strip down and get in the pool.

Leah, however, is not feeling frisky once she hears that her Colombian gentleman caller is only 24 years old. Leah, being 31, is not about to bang it out with someone who was in elementary school when she was getting sperminated by ol Corey Tyler at 16. She has standards, y’all! 

Briana, however, is all over it. She’s using Google Translate to discover new things about her man, such as if he enjoys, um, dining on booty. 

I think that’s nice…

Briana announces that it’s time for her to take poor Jonathan to her room so the previously-mentioned booty gnawing can commence. Mackenzie is quite disturbed by this and suggests that maybe this isn’t a great idea. Briana calls her “Miss Boring Pants.” 

Everyone advises Briana to use a condom when she goes on her extended tour of Pound Town. It works out nicely for Briana that her man-candy doesn’t speak English, because that means she doesn’t have to have any small talk before she bangs the BeJesus outta him. 

With that, she retreats to her bedroom to get her clam jammed. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion!’ To read more of The Ashley’s recaps, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)