Howdy gang! Welcome to yet another season of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter, where it’s business as usual. Someone’s getting hitched (natch), someone’s getting divorced and a bunch of people have court. (Seriously, these have been the same three main plotlines for these people since like 2010.) 

We kick off the season with little clips from Jade and Sean‘s wedding in October 2023. The whole gang high-tailed it up to Indiana to celebrate the nuptials (and score some on-camera time to ensure that paycheck!) And, naturally, because cameras are rolling, the whole cast seemingly uses the night of the wedding to air out any and all dirty laundry they’ve been experiencing.

Except for Amber. Once she’s been successfully spatula-ed off the couch, put in a banquet room and been given a free Cosmo, she’s “Cupid Shufflin'” all over the ding-dang place— while also shufflin’ close to a random chick. (Hey— I don’t care if Ambie is hooking up with boys or girls….just as long as she isn’t meeting them while prowling the aisles at Walmart like she used to!) 

Anyhoo, before we can get to the wedding (and all the bad storylines and bisexual fun that seemingly comes with it), we must rewind a bit. We start things off with some of the cast coming home to their kids after sunning and sucking down beers on Teen Mom Family Reunion. We then see that the producers are still insisting on imposing that bad “FaceTime” calls between the girls on us. 

Jade reveals that she and her family just settled into their new home. On top of that, there’s only one week until her and Sean’s wedding, so everyone is excited. Everyone, except Catelynn and Tyler, who have “family problems” and are unable to come. (We don’t get to hear what those mysterious “family problems” are, but The Ashley has her suspicions.)

Also having to skip out on the nuptials are Leah and Taylor. Of course, though, Taylor’s husband  fiance boyfriend Cory Wharton will be there because there’s no way he’s missing a wedding where he could possibly become the center of attention should he catch the garter with his teeth.

(By the way, just as The Ashley did in her ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ recaps, she will be referring to Cory’s girlfriend as “Taylor” and Maci’s husband as “Beer Taylor” to avoid any confusion amongst the Taylors. Thank you.)

We then get the sleek new “theme song” and introductions of the cast. They chose three random shots of each girl and they kind of do some of them dirty with the photo/video selections. Some– like Cheyenne— are shown frolicking with their kids (while their boobs are pushed up to the Baby Jesus God Leah.) Others are shown in less-than-flattering situations, like poor Catelynn, who is literally shown slopping some hot sauce on what we can only assume is a seven-point quesadilla.

They did Briana especially dirty as well by choosing one of her three videos to show her just sitting mindlessly on her phone while making a stink face.

Meanwhile in Indiana, Jade and Sean are getting ready for their big day. They’re sitting around their new digs, doing the same old stuff: yelling at their daughter, Clo-o-hi Kloughie Khloie to clean up.

Just then, Jade’s friend Chau hears some heavy breathing from outside the window. They look outside and see a very special visitor huffin’ and puffin’ up their walkway. With the scent of Pall Malls and Dollar Tree perfume in the air, it can mean only one thing— Christy has arrived!

Jade tells us that Christy is fresh from The ‘Hab and about six months sober. While Christy is living that new “Hugs Not Drugs” life, her old life of blunts and blow-up air mattresses and whatnot is “coming back to haunt her,” according to Jade. Apparently ol’ Christy was caught six years ago with “the weeeeeed” and it violated her probation and now she’s facing the court case.

Christy says she just got off work and looks like she’s going through it. (Maybe her “Team Leader” has been giving our girl quite the hard time or something?) Jade is completely oblivious to this, though, and instantly peppers poor Christy with talk of wedding bands and bridal fittings before she can even settle her rump into the couch cushion.

Jade is alarmed when she finds out that Christy has court three days before the wedding. Christy will either be thrown in the clink that day or go back on probation, meaning that she could be spending Jade’s Big Day by eating ramen noodles and drinking toilet hooch. 

Christy says that, if she’s sentenced to jail, she would begin her 30-day sentence that day. Chau is full of great ideas, advising Christy to “go on the run” so she doesn’t miss Jade’s wedding fiesta. After all, Chau says, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY JADE HAS SPENT!?

What’s funny is Christy seems to actually be taking this suggestion seriously, telling Chau that people who are fresh out of The ‘Hab just can’t “go on the run” because they’re trying to live their lives better…and stuff. In fact, she says, that’s exactly how she got into this trouble six years ago: going on the run and not worrying about her probation.

Jade— who has rekindled her relationship with her mom since Christy hopped aboard the sober train— is scared that her mom won’t be there to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day because she will be sitting in jail.

Speaking of jail gel, we next check in with Amber. It’s been a long stretch since we’ve seen the franchise’s resident felon, since she didn’t participate in the ‘Family Reunion’ debacle. Things are going well for Ambie, though. She’s finally moving back into her home. (As fans may remember, Amber had allowed her ex Andrew and their son James to live in her house for years after Ambie allegedly tried to go all “Machete Michael Myers” on Andy.)

Last season, we saw as Amber reentered her house for the first time after Andrew and James moved to California. With trusty Gary in tow, Amber discovered that every room appeared to be soaked in (and smelling like) urine. Amber spent her MTV bucks to renovate the house and get it to stop smelling like a urinal at Coachella.

Amber says she’s excited to move into a clean house.

In the meantime, Amber calls up Gary to chit-chat about Jade and Sean’s upcoming wedding. She says that she has yet to secure a date for the festivities and has already had two different dates cancel on her. (I guess the prospects roaming the aisles of Walmart are limited these days?) 

She tells Gary she will be hitting the wedding solo, and that her first time experiencing online dating hasn’t been going so well. (I would give anything to read Amber’s “Hinge” profile: “Likes: Long walks through Mattress Warehouse, couches with footrests, being a damn good mom. Special Skills: Machete-wielding & finding the exact right moment to scream ‘I’m done.'”)

Amber and Gary discuss the wedding some more, and Amber says that, since the wedding begins at 5 p.m. that’s what time her “goal” is to arrive. 

Um…

Gary, a normal human being, says that he plans to arrive at 4:30…you know, before the wedding actually starts.

He even offers to give Amber a ride to ensure she will actually make it to the ceremony on time but Amber– a fancy girl– declines, stating she has a “car service” picking her up to drive her there. 

Next, we head to Los Angeles to check in with Cheyenne. She tells “the gals” that, since ‘Family Reunion,’ she and Zach have been having “those conversations” about Zach “stepping up.” (i.e. getting a real job so Chey doesn’t have to keep covering for him when people ask her what it is that Zach does for cash…that doesn’t involve the criminal justice department.) 

She tells them that Zach has been “researching” different careers.

Cheyenne insists she’s giving Zach “space” to figure it out. 

For now, though, Zach’s time is spent riding his Peloton and trying to convince Cheyenne to pump out another kid. He says that, with all the wedding talk, “love is in the air,” so he’s getting the hankering to shoot another Zach Spawn into Cheyenne.

Cheyenne is not jazzed about the idea of popping out another kid, even after Zach brings up the fact that the big giant house Chey bought for them has an extra room, so they may as well fill it up with The Spawn ‘o’ Zach Part 2. He tells her that, even though she has two kids (their son Ace and Ryder– her daughter with Cory), he only has one. Cheyenne seems to be a bit tiffed that Zach doesn’t count Ryder as one of his own kids, and Zach doesn’t do a great job of worming his way out of the situation.

“I don’t see myself in Ryder because Ryder isn’t my blood,” he tells her.

Cheyenne isn’t having it. She says she likes her body a lot (thanks, Doc!) and doesn’t want a flood of pregnancy hormones and weight to wreck it. Zach then tells Chey— you know, the woman who will have to carry the baby and birth the baby— that she’s being “a little selfish” by only thinking about herself.

Oh no he did NOT! 

Cheyenne decides to leave the room so she doesn’t go “all Amber” on Zach for making that comment.

I think that’s nice…

Later, Chey tells her mom Margaret about Zach wanting to have another baby. Margaret points out that it costs a lot of money to take care of a child. (What she’s not saying is that it costs a lot of money to take care of kid and Zach “Researching Different Careers” Davis doesn’t have it.) 

Back in Indiana, Jade, Sean, Chau are at the wedding venue. Jade is concerned that the aisle won’t be wide enough to accommodate her, her dad and Christy (should she manage to gnaw through the jail cell bars and make it to the wedding).

“My parents just got off drugs, so they gained some weight!” Jade declares.

The wedding coordinator vows to take out one guest chair from each side of the aisle to accommodate for the additional rehab girth. 

Just then, Sean finds out from that one of his groomsmen will be unable to attend because— what do ya know?— he has court on the wedding day in Texas. So now there are two members of the bride and groom’s inner circle who may be sporting handcuffs in jail instead of attending the wedding. 

Since Sean’s legally challenged pal is bailing on his groomsman duties, Sean decided to use Briana’s Baby Daddy No. 1, Devoin, as a substitute groomsman. Apparently Sean and Devoin are pretty close? He even properly pronounces Devoin’s name, instead of using the pronunciation that the DeJesus Coven assigned him years ago.

Meanwhile, over in Las Vegas, Ashley is still focusing on getting her nursing degree. She explains that, due to a pesky situation where her husband Bar was sentenced to 24 months of probation in California for a gun charge, they had to cancel the wedding celebration they had been planning. With Bar living in California and Ashley living in Nevada, Ash began to see how “irresponsible” Bar has been. She also began to see that something was weird….and it wasn’t Bar’s four eyebrows.

Ashley says she checked Bar’s phone records and saw that her husband was having four-hour conversations with a “friend” for months, and she considers their relationship to be cheating.

Ashley is devastated, so she seeks comfort in her mom, Tea, who is in the process of divorcing Ashley’s father and is now living in Nevada. 

Ashley tells her mom that she feels so disrespected, and that she might as well be single. 

“I know for the last six months, something inappropriate has been taking place,” Ashley says with a smirk.

Tea tells her daughter that Bar has committed some “deal-breakers” in their marriage and that the whole thing may not be worth fighting for. 

Back in Indiana, it’s moving day for Amber. She is packing up all of her kimonos and Edgar Allen Poe dolls and whatnot and high-tailing it out of her rental home and into her renovated house. Two moving men arrive at Ambie’s rental and we find out that they aren’t just moving Amber’s things— they’re also packing Amber’s things. (Obviously, Amber didn’t have time to pack her own stuff because she’s busy with work school her kids um….?

The guys knock on the door— not knowing what lurks behind it. 

The guys are greeted by Amber…and apparently two decades worth of crap, clothing, food, trash and couches. (I swear to the Baby Jesus God Leah I even saw Matt Baier in one of those piles, underneath a Purdue Global College brochure and a spandex Forever Haute jumpsuit.)

Amber instructs the guys to pack up her crap in boxes. She tells them to fold any clothes that are “clean.” When one of the guys asks if he’s supposed to “smell” things to determine their cleanliness, Amber insists that they’ll just know, because she’s not smelly. 

“Just use your judgement,” she tells them. “You guys are smart.” (Both men seem to be rethinking their judgment, given that it’s led them to signing on to pack up the stinky clothes of a 30-something ‘Teen Mom’ star.) 

The guys, bless their hearts, set out to tackle the massive job and, after calling in reinforcement (and probably having a few quick cry sessions), they have everything packed and on its way to Amber’s house. The guys then have to unload all of the crap, and it’s already late at night. 

Amber, meanwhile, is thrilled to be back at her house.

Elsewhere in Indiana, it’s three days away from Jade and Sean’s wedding. Christy and her mother are on their way to Christy’s court hearing, so she calls Jade to inform her that she may be calling from the clink the next time she hears from her. Christy tells Jade to cross all her body parts and say a prayer that she won’t be sent to jail. 

Christy’s own mother then asks Christy if she thinks she will go to jail. She makes sure to tell Christy that, if she does have to go to jail, it will ruin “everything” for the wedding. 

Thanks, Ma!

Later that day, Jade gets the phone call she’s been waiting for/dreading: it’s Christy, calling with court news. To Jade’s surprise, Christy informs her that she did not go to jail and will be getting her “Macarena” on at Jade’s wedding after all! 

Jade is relieved to hear that her mother won’t be incarcerated on her big day.

(Wow…that is a sentence you can really only type in a ‘Teen Mom’ recap, ain’t it?)

The next day, the ‘Teen Mom’ crew heads off to Indiana for the wedding. Everyone is excited.

Not invited to the wedding is Ashley, who is still in Vegas and trying to figure out if she wants to save her marriage. She tells us that it’s “not worth it” and then calls up her sister and says that she’s considering filing for divorce.

Ashley says that, while she knows Bar will always be a good dad to their daughter Holly, he sucks at being a husband. After 10 years with the man, Ashley says she’s just exhausted. 

Ashley says she’d like the divorce to be as “amicable as possible”…however, she is considering other options as well.

As much as Ashley would like to torch Bar and all of his “Shoot Loops” T-shirts, she knows she can’t do that anymore because she’s a nursing student and she now has a lot to lose. 

In Indiana, the guys are partying it up before the wedding, and Briana has arrived to help Jade get ready for the wedding the next day. Christy also arrives, toting Kloiiii’s dress (in a Hefty bag because….Christy.) 

The next day is the wedding day! Soon it’s time to go to the ceremony. It’s just a ‘Teen Mom’ cast-a-polooza, because everybody is invited— from Cheyenne’s parents, to Briana’s sister Brittany. Even Kayla and Ryan from ‘Family Reunion’ managed to snag an invite! 

Soon, Jade and both her parents are coming down the aisle.

We see Jade–looking stunning— with her dad, and even Christy is managing to keep the attention off of her and on her daughter where it belongs.

Just then, we see something scurrying in the trees behind Jade & Co. Is it some sort of animal? Noooo. A wedding photographer trying to get the perfect shot? Noooo.

It’s AMBER.

Not only is she late, but she is arriving just in time to make everyone look at her instead of the bride who is walking down the aisle. 

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K.

Once Amber is settled in, Jade and Sean read their vows to each other. Soon everyone is all choked up, and Sean and Jade are pronounced husband and wife. 

After the ceremony, it’s time to party! First up to the mic is Christy. (Hold onto your cooters, kids!) 

Christy starts by saying that, back in 2018, when Sean proposed to Jade for the first time, Christy was not happy about it. But now that Sean has changed, Christy says he has her stamp of approval. It’s a surprisingly nice speech.

Later in the night, Zach catches Cheyenne talking to her dad about not wanting another baby. He’s upset that she chose to bring it up at the wedding (and to her dad). Um…is he new or something? 

Back inside, Jade instructs her guests that it’s time to “turn the hell up.” Amber, in particular, seems excited about that idea. (Hey, it beats eating a Mama Celeste Pizza for One on the couch with puppets!) 

Soon, she’s rubbing her nether regions on the pelvic area of another female wedding guest.

Everyone is noticing that Amber is getting frisky with the female. 

“Is Amber batting left or right?” Cory asks as he (creepily) watches Amber lay a smooch on the girl.

Later, Amber admits she “let loose” at the wedding, and says that not having any visitors to her lady garden in four years has been tough. 

With that, the wedding ends with everyone partying it up in honor of Jade and Sean.

To read more of The Ashley’s recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)