Jenelle is back. 

Yay.

I’m sure the half-dozen or so people who still watch Teen Mom: The Next Chapter are thrilled to see that MTV finally got so desperate to keep this Porta-Potty of a show on the air that they crawled back to Jenelle and offered her a chance air her dirty laundry out on TV again. What’s even worse than having to see Jenelle’s mug on our teleboxes every week is that THEY DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO GIVE US BARBARA!

We want Barb! 

How are you gonna withhold the Babs while also forcing Jenelle on us, MTV? I think we may be entitled to compensation here, guys. 

This week’s episode picks up with a trigger warning in the form of Jenelle’s name lighting up on a cellphone.

Serving as the show’s sacrificial lamb in Jenelle’s return is Briana, who apparently drew the short straw and is now being forced to act as Jenelle’s bestie. Jenelle tells Bri that she is randomly going to be in Florida for a few days (for a trip that is absolutely, totally not– in any way— set up by producers so that friendless Jenelle isn’t forced to talk to a random gas station attendant about her problems.)

Bri and Jenelle make plans to hang out once Jenelle ditches them kids and touches down in the Sunshine State. 

Briana immediately tells “The Gals” via the faux group chat about Jenelle “randomly” calling her. The girls pretend to be excited to hear that Jenelle’s back…even though we all know they are probably all hitting up Producer Larry to bitch about getting even less airtime on this garbage-disposal-of-a-show, now that they have to compete with Jenelle (and her forever-running soap opera, “As The Swamp Turns.”) 

With that, we get the opening credits, which now feature Mackenzie, getting her white-girl-twerk on.

This episode starts off down ‘er in the Holler, where we find Leah, who is having a ding-dang hard time co-parenting on with her daughter Addie’s father, Jeremy. Their youngin wants to get her claws all down up (maybe the annual tractor pull competition is in town and she wants to look nice?) but Leah says she’s too young. Addie states that she’ll just have fake claws glued on when she goes to see her ding-dang Daddy! 

Leah then stumbles down Memory Lane, where we get to relive what are quite possibly some of the best scenes from this show. By the grace of the Baby Jesus (God Leah), we also get to rewatch The (Bacon) Slap Heard ‘Round the World.

We also get to watch the clip of Leah screamin’ at Jeremy as hairbrushes, jackets (and possible an Oopise Baby) fell out the back of her stuffed-to-capacity Trashmobile.

Ahh, good times. I miss those days.

Leah tells us that, over the years, she’s “tried to keep a friendly relationship with Jeremy, for the sake of Addie. 

Leah tells us that when Addie goes to visit Jeremy, the youngin doesn’t even get to see him, because he’s “mostly absent.” Instead, Addie visits with Jeremy’s parents. 

Leah then puts on her serious face and lets viewers know that “something really terrifying happened.”

With the help of some security footage from the restaurant she works at, Leah proceeds to reveal that Jeremy (and Jeremy’s special lady friend, Brooke) “ambushed” her while she was working a shift recently. According to Leah, Jeremy and his boo rolled up to the restaurant, looking for Leah. 

Leah tells us that the restaurant’s hostess came and told her that her ex-husband was there. (Leah then probably had to clarify which ex-husband was present.)

Ol’ Producer Larry actually had to put in some work and roll up to the Steak ‘n’ Possum (or whatever restaurant Leah waitresses at) and ask for the surveillance footage from the night in question. On the camera footage, we see Jeremy buying something at the bar, while his girlfriend stands behind him.

The hostess told Leah that Jeremy is “intoxicated” and “won’t stop yelling.” He then became “enraged” and demanded to speak to Leah, who is probably in the kitchen walk-in fridge, hiding any and all bacon strips from her ex-husband. 

Leah finally emerges from the fridge and talks to Jeremy and his new boo. We watch on the security footage as the trio chats. Leah tells us that Jeremy was all fired up because he claims that Leah left Addie home alone for seven hours while she was at work. 

Leah tells us that, soon, Jeremy’s old lady jumped into the conversation and quickly became “irate” as well. Jeremy’s girl accused Leah of not “trusting” her, to which Leah replied she doesn’t even know her. 

Soon, Leah’s manager steps in and tells a terrified Leah to go back to the kitchen. That roasted possum ain’t gonna serve itself.

Over in Florida, we check in with Mackenzie. She’s living in Florida with her boo, Khesanio, and her kids. She’s booted her tobacco-chewin’, barfly-bangin’ baby daddy, Josh from her life and is now feeling content and happy for the first time in a long time.

Naturally, that can only mean one thing: IT’S BABY TIME! 

Mack claims that Khesanio is all for having a baby but he curls his nose at the mention of getting married. 

I think that’s nice….

But making a baby this time won’t be all bangin’ on the rodeo bleachers and whatnot like it was for Mackenzie previously. Mack says that, due to the fact that she had her tubes tied years ago to prevent having any more Josh Spawn, she would have to have the procedure reversed. In addition, Mack could face health risks due to her having Type 1 Diabetes, which gave her and her babies a lot of health issues during her past pregnancies. 

But, they’ve already been together a whole year, which in Teen Mom Time is basically a decade, so they better get to humpin’ and pumpin”!

A few days later, Khesanio and Mackenzie sit her kids down to talk about the date they’re about to go on. 

Mack tells the kids that Khesanio is going to “surprise” her. Broncs guesses Mack will get a ring. Gannon suggests that she’ll be getting a baby. Poor Jaxie, however, looks like she’d rather be anywhere— anywhere, even that garage her brother pooped in a few seasons ago, than be there filming about her mom having sex with her boyfriend. 

Next, we see the old familiar “Jenelle” name pop up on our screen, which means it’s time to check in with Jenelle and talk about her kids her job her friends whatever scuzzy man has attached himself, koala-style, to her back for the moment in hopes of reaching full-on “Soulmate” status. 

Jenelle is shown getting ready for her meet-up with Briana. In a voiceover, she tells us that “some people” would say that her life has been “wild.” (Um…you’ve had like 10 engagements, two failed marriages, dozens of arrests, three kids by three dads, and a scene of you chasing after dirty ass Kieffer that will live on via video forever. I’m pretty sure all people, save maybe Britney Spears, would count that as a “wild” life.) 

Then Jenelle starts telling straight-up jokes.

“I’ve always felt that I was just trying to survive, and be the best mom I can,” she says.

They then go way, way back into the ‘Teen Mom’ archives and manage to dig up a few clips of Jenelle actually interacting with infant Jace. (I’m sure they had to cut out the parts that she called the kid “Jack,” though.)

What comes next is quite possibly the greatest understatement ever uttered on the ‘Teen Mom’ franchise.

“I didn’t make the great decisions,” Jenelle tells us.

Jenelle then passes the blame to her mom, Barbara for not loving her enough. (We KNOW, Jenelle. She never played Yahtzee with you as a kid because she was too busy “bustin’ her balls” at work supporting you.) 

Jenelle tells us that Barbara somehow “ended up gaining custody of Jack er…Jace.”

We then blow through the whole Nathan Era and land on when Jenelle “quickly” met her most-recent soulmate, David. Jenelle takes us through her shooting out The Spawn ‘o’ David, and then getting married to him, complete with her backwards veil and her backwoods wedding. 

“It took me some time to realize that it wasn’t a healthy relationship,” Jenelle says. 

Sadly, their “fairy tale romance” crumbled because David had to rake. 

Jenelle tells us she finally got the courage to walk away from David for good.

It’s actually totally amazing that they were able to cram like eight years of trainwreckdom into a cute 30-second summary complete with cartoon unicorns and whatnot.

Are we just gonna totally forget Jenelle standing by David after he shot her dog….and allegedly abused her kids…and STRANGLED HER SON (ALLEGEDLY)!? Are we gonna forget that you were out there, shakin’ your rump roast in this jackaloon’s “rap” music video just months ago?! And blaming JACE instead of David after the alleged attack?!

You guys, I can not. I CAN NOT! 

So that brings us to present day, with Jenelle wearing some sort of beige genie pant jumpsuit, getting ready to go tell Briana how she was the victim in all this. 

Jenelle tells us she wants her kids to have a fresh start and that means she needs to move “as soon as possible.” 

Briana and Jenelle meet up at a coffee shop, and Bri compliments Jenelle on her genie pants. Bri tells “The Gals” on the group chat that they’ll “never believe” who she’s having lunch with. (Um…didn’t she legit just tell them like a day ago?) 

Next we boot-scoot it up to Indiana, where Gary and Kristina are still celebrating Leah’s birthday. As fans who watched last week saw, Amber basically ruined Leah’s birthday dinner by 1) calling Leah a “dick” on her birthday 2) being late for the dinner but trying to gaslight everyone into thinking her butt had been in the restaurant chair long before it actually was 3) going “real woman” on Gary as Leah cried. 

Now that they are home from the Birthday Feast From Hell, Gary is maxin’ and relaxin’ in his recliner (while wearing a hat advertising a place called “Ole Hickory Pits” which, honestly, sounds like a restaurant The Ashley made up).

He is a bit uneasy when Leah tells him that Amber— a damn good mom— texted her after the birthday dinner.

Leah says she didn’t bother to text Amber back, given that Ambie neglected to mention/apologize for any of the craptastic things she pulled at the dinner. Leah sides with her dad, stating that Amber had no reason to fly off the handle on him like she did. (Thank goodness there weren’t any stairs at the restaurant or Gary –and his hickory pits– could have ended up at the bottom of them, courtesy of Ambie’s foot.)

Gary insists that he wasn’t trying to make Amber mad. 

Kristina– who really deserves to be canonized as a full-blown saint— comforts Leah as Leah explains that she was hoping that her mother would actually apologize and take responsibility for being a crapnozzle, for once. 

Amber’s gonna Amber, but that poses a problem for Leah, who wants to see her little brother James next time he’s in town. However, in order for Leah to see James, she will have to hang out with Amber. 

“We can suck it up to go see James,” Leah says, before telling her dad she has no desire to text or call Amber for any other reason. 

Next, we head up to Michigan to see what Catelynn is up to these days. We quickly find out that April is in the hospital. Catelynn tells Not Carly #1, Nova, that Granny’s hospitalized and she starts to freak out and cry. Catelynn isn’t helping when she then tells the poor kid that, you know, it’s fine— Grandma just can’t breathe. 

“They just had to give her some oxygen and stuff,” Catelynn tells a hysterical Nova.

Catelynn tells “The Gals” that she’s scared for her mother, even though she and April haven’t spoken in a long time. Catelynn tells Tyler that she reached out to April’s father, who tells Cate that April couldn’t breathe and then got carted away in an ambulance and put on a breathing machine at the hospital. Now that she’s getting that fresh, ciggie-free air, April’s doing better.

Naturally, this “triggers” Catelynn’s anxiety, but Tyler tells her it’s OK to be nice to your mom when she’s sick, even if you’re still mad at her. Or something. I don’t know…when these people talk about their anxiety and trauma and therapy I start to zone out like Butch on Bennies. 

Cate says she’s not asking April for much: just to stop slugging brewskies whenever the Not Carlys are present, and to refrain from getting belligerent. Tyler agrees that it’s not too much to ask of your mother.

Meanwhile, back up ‘er in the Holler, Leah is heading up to the courthouse to file a protective order against Jeremy for ambushing her at the restaurant. Soon after she filed, Jerm was served with a notice of the court hearing. Leah tells us that Addie happened to be with him when the cops showed up. 

Leah (along with a camera crew full of people, natch) goes into Addie’s room to talk about what happened.

Leah starts yammering until Addie cuts her off, telling Leah that she does understand exactly what happened. She tells Leah she was angry with her for getting her dad in trouble. 

Leah later tells the cameras that it’s challenging having a “toxic ex.” 

Later, Leah heads to her court hearing to get her protective order against Jeremy. She calls up her trusty sister Victoria and says, ultimately, she just wants Jerm to stay away from her because she is terrified after his on-the-job ambush. Leah meets her lawyer at Ye Ole Holler Courthouse, just as Jeremy and his new boo arrive. 

Unfortunately for us, Hootin’ Holler County (or wherever Leah lives) doesn’t allow MTV cameras inside the courtroom so we get shut out for now. 

Later, Leah tells Producer Brendan that she doesn’t have to talk to Jerm for the next 180 days, and that she will be doing “drop-offs” with Jeremy’s mom. Leah says she feels proud of herself for “standing in her power” and not letting Jerm bully her. 

Back in Florida, Mackenzie and Khesanio are preparing for their “adults only” date, and schooling the kids on what not to do when they’re home alone. Mack tells the rugrats not to go outside and not to call them and interupt their “adult time.” 

Gannon looks uninterested, Jaxie looks mortified, and Broncs looks like he is planning to crap in the garage 15 seconds after that door closes behind Mack.

Khesanio and Mackenzie go to a fancy restaurant, where Khesanio has set up a special table to celebrate their one-year anniversary. He includes a photo of Mack and her late mom on the table, which is a sweet gesture.

They chat about having another baby. Mackenzie says she wants to get knocked up again, but would like to be married before it happens. She also mentions her Type 1 Diabetes, which could create health issues if she gets pregnant again. She tells Khesanio that having a baby may not be in the cards for her, so if he wants to try to find someone to spawn with, there’s still time to bail out. Khesanio insists he wants to be with Mackenzie, baby or no baby.

Mack says she plans to go to a doctor, get her tubes untied and see if she’s able to get pregnant.

In Indiana, it’s a few days after Leah’s birthday dinner from Hell. James is in town, and Leah really wants to see her brother. Gary, being a damn good dad, puts his anger at Amber aside and texts her to see if James and Leah can get together. He tells Saint Kristina that, if Amber refuses to let them see James, then it’s on her and at least they’ve tried to get the kids together.

Kristina says that she thinks the adults– Amber included— will be able to put their differences aside for Leah and James’ sake.

Gary also states that, now that Leah is 15, she’s “old enough to know” about the ridiculousness her mom pulls, and he and Saint Kristina can no longer put a buffer between Leah and Amber’s from-the-couch crap.

He says he can no longer protect Amber from Leah learning about what Ambie’s really like.

Later, Leah and Gary speak directly to the camera, with Leah telling us that she is hoping to be on “maybe speaking terms” with Amber. 

Ouch.

Leah comes in with another punch straight to Amber’s heart when she reveals she only wants to be on speaking terms with her mother so that she will still be able to see her little brother, James. Leah says she’s hoping to keep things civil between her and Amber so that she will still have access to James.

The next day James arrives in Indiana for a three-day visit that is not allowed to be filmed by MTV. Since Amber can’t show her visit with James, they hire some rando to come talk about the visit after James goes home. “Lexi” (who was almost certainly plucked off a community theater stage in Indianapolis and asked if she wanted a “real” acting job), asks if James has met Amber’s new boyfriend, Gary 2.0. 

Of course, Amber says that James liked Gary 2.0.

In other Gary news, though, Amber is unhappy with Gary OG. She acknowledges that Gary OG did text her in hopes of getting the kids together for a visit, but Amber says it “didn’t work out.” Amber says she feels bad that Leah is feeling “some type of way” about not getting to see her brother. Amber states that Leah is only 30 minutes away from her and should have come over to hang out if she wanted to see James. 

Um….pretty sure that’s what Gary was trying to make happen, Amber with that text…

Amber then launches into a tirade about how she’s a (better) damn good mom to James, even though he lives in California, and that Leah doesn’t try to hang out with her. Amber says clearly this is not her fault.

“How am I seeing my son who lives all the way in California but I’m not seeing my daughter who lives down the street?!” Amber says.

Well, Ambie, that’s probably because James is delivered to your door on the regular, while Leah isn’t.

She then tells poor “Lexi”– who seems to be regretting her decision to sign on as “Amber Friend #1– that’s she’s tired of being hurt…BY LEAH!!!

W….T….F….

Back in Michigan, Catelynn receives the good news that April has been sprung from the hospital (no doubt with the pockets of her hospital gown filled with free Jello cups and a lifetime supply of cotton swabs). 

Cate tells “The Gals” that she encouraged Not Carly #1 to reach out to her grandma to chat. Jade— who knows a thing or two about Grandmama Drama, thanks to her own mother Christy— tells Catelynn how important it is for a grandma to be in a kid’s life. Nova gets a text from Granny April and runs off to her room, as Cate and Tyler yell that they want to know what April says.

April invites Nova out to lunch, and Nova invites Cate’s estranged brother, Nick, to join in on the MTV-funded feed fest. (If you’re wondering why Catelynn and Nick are estranged, click here!)

Catelynn and Tyler aren’t thrilled about shoveling food— even free food—into their gullets across from April and Nick so they tell Nova that she’s on her own. Nova eventually agrees to go to the lunch alone but tells Catelynn that she “just kind of wanted the family to be together.” 

Nova is excited for her lunch date with April and Nick, so Cate looks past her estrangement with them for the sake of a storyline Nova.

Back in Florida, Jenelle and Briana sit down for a chit-chat. Jenelle states that she’s “doing good” now that she has unloaded her swampy (former) soulmate, Lurch. (I will say, I’m not thrilled to be recapping about Jenelle again; however, it does feel damn good to be able to call David “Lurch” again.) 

Briana asks Jenelle how the kids are and, for a second, Jenelle looks confused. She then remembers the people Briana is talking about.

Jenelle says that the kids are at the baby-sitters’ (shoutout, Trashbag Tori!?), and that they’re doing much better now that she’s FINALLY booted Lurch from their lives. Jenelle, once again, glosses the hell over everything that went down with David, her, Barbara and Jace in 2023, and simply states that CPS “got involved” after Jace ran away. 

“He ended up at the hospital because when you run away you end up at the hospital in North Carolina,” she tells Briana. 

In a mocking voice, Jenelle then tells Bri that, “Jace is like, ‘David strangled me.'”

UM!?!?!  Jenelle, at least try to pretend that having some swamp ape (who you supported) allegedly wring your son’s neck is upsetting to you. 

Jenelle says she used the whole “son-got-strangled” thing to kick David off The Land, since David was not allowed to be near Jace, and Jace had just come home to The Land. 

Jenelle then says that her son (allegedly) getting strangled by her soulmate was a “blessing in disguise.”

I CAN’T. JESUS.GOD.LEAH.

She says it was a “blessing” because the no-contact order forced David out of the house, so she didn’t have to. 

Bri calls David “disgusting” as Jenelle tells her that David was emotionally abusive and used to punch holes in the walls. Jenelle does admit, however, that David never physically hit her. 

“Except for that whole ‘collarbone’ thing,” Jenelle revealed. (In case you lived under a rock— or, you know, had a life in 2018– and don’t know what the “collarbone thing” is, click here.) 

Jenelle says she wants to HIGH! HIGH! tail it out of North Carolina and get a fresh start. In fact, she says, she’s considering moving her and her menagerie of children to Florida. 

And that’s all that’s happening in Jenelle’s life.

Ha! Ha! Just kidding! This is Jenelle we’re speaking about here, so of course there has to be a new man, too. What’s she supposed to do? Stay single and hang out with her kids?! Come on!

Jenelle tells Bri about her “manager friend” August, who was the only “friend” David would allow Jenelle to talk to. Now, Jenelle and August are “pillow talking” (and not about unloading Jenelle’s rotting JE Cosmetics eyebrow kits or other “business” matters.) August lives in Las Vegas, so we can almost surely expect Jenelle to run to Sin City to be with her new potential soulmate.

Jenelle has another reason to move to Vegas. She tells Briana that she wants to start her own “marijuana business” there. 

(If she doesn’t call her company “HIGH! HIGH!” Incorporated, The Ashley will be sorely disappointed.) 

Briana points out that Jenelle literally knows no one except August in Las Vegas, but that doesn’t seem to faze Jenelle. (We all know she’s “looking for homes in Florida” just for the show. She was always going to go to Vegas because, where there is a possible soulmate, there is Jenelle.) 

Later, Jenelle (who I swear is wearing a sweatshirt that says “Hot Bitch Hoodie”) calls up Jace to find out how many of her offspring are currently still alive. Jenelle tells him that she wants to look at houses in Florida because a move would be good for “all” of them. 

The next day, Jenelle and Bri drive to look at houses. As they drive, Jenelle chats about August, whom she says “knows she’s not trying to jump into anything” romantically.

They go to the first house, where they meet Realtor Adriana, who is surely very impressed with Jenelle’s “house huntin'” outfit, which consists of raggedy cut-off shorts and an ill-fitting tank top.

Jenelle tells Briana that August is in Vegas looking for houses for her, too. He sends her a video of one. Briana tells Jenelle she doesn’t need that big of a house. 

Um…hello, it has to fit her desert soulmate and whatever kids she currently has custody of. Of course she needs a house that big! 

Briana reminds Jenelle that she shouldn’t be depending on anyone to help her get her “fresh start.” Jenelle agrees but we all know she’s probably Cash-Apping August the downpayment for that Vegas house as she speaks. 

Finally, we head to Michigan one final time to check in with Catelynn. It’s the day of Nova’s lunch with April. Catelynn parks right in front of April and she pushes Nova out of the car to go greet April & Co. Catelynn sits awkwardly in the car and doesn’t say anything to any of them. She calls up Tyler, who tells her that it’s OK to say to hello to her mom, even if they’re not speaking currently. 

After the lunch, April walks Nova to the car, and Catelynn talks to her mom, and April goes in for the hug. She tells Catelynn that she wants them to talk again and Catelynn agrees. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read more of The Ashley’s recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)